Ah, My Emo-Artistic Aspirational Hope-Crushing Post.

[dustinzgirl]

There are many things I can write without worrying about writing them. Women's interest articles, for example. How too articles. Market research analysis (65% of females between the ages of 25-30 think your product is stupid---I wish I could write that, just once). Editing text books/business/small biz loan proposals. Ect, ect....

This type of writing takes time, but it doesn't really take ENERGY. By that I mean I research, form an opinion, and write it, but I don't have to really, deep down in my heart of hearts, care about it for it to be a good essay or article.

On the other hand, when I write what I love to write, poetry, fiction, personal essays, ect....I find that it takes too much energy because I love it all the more. It takes more energy to write things that are based solely on your internal motivation, vision, experience, fears, loves, ect..

So for me, an so far not traditionally published writer (which is probably because I never actually tried to be traditionally published and basically have no freaking clue what I am doing) I feel like I am constantly juggling my current career with my future dreams of a career. Non fiction vs. Fiction. Accuracy vs. Imagination. Extrinsic satsifaction (earning a paycheck) vs. Intrinsic satisfaction (earning pride).

I then find that I distance myself from my fiction characters. Why? Perhaps some of them I simply don't like. Perhaps some of them I like far too much. Most remind me of an aspect of myself: Arrogance, a fighter, a mother, a worker, a giver, a hater (yes, there are many people and things taht I hate even though I try not too), promiscuous, virtuous....each character I design is often the epitomy of one of my own traits, and perhaps that is why I feel disconnected from my fictional writing.

Then I begin to question my worth, my value, my dreams of becoming something greater than what I am now. I suppose this is true of all hobbies/dreams/plans, in any dimension. Artistic self-doubt seems to plague nearly every artist, either words or images, throughout history. So because of this, I constantly question "Am I good, can I even get better? Is there even a freaking POINT???"

That's the worst, thinking that there is no point. That I will not improve, that I will never make fiction writing a career, that I will never, ever, no matter what I do, be any good at getting my imagination down on paper. I have no problem getting the non fiction stuff I don't have to imagine (mainly because its already been imagined for me) down on paper. But those inner things, those inner visions, they come frequently and look great in my head but really just utter sh*t on paper.

Then because I feel disconnected, and I doubt, I don't write as much as I would like too. I have given the advice of "Ignore your inner critic and just write" to many people many times before, but I can't seem to get past my doubting Thomas voice and just do what I think I can do, if I would really just do it and immerse myself in it.

Not that I don't love writing for my friends and family, and as a career but honestly if I didn't have to worry about paying the stupid bills, I could just write what I truly want to write without feeling like I have to switch energy, focus, and love of writing styles constantly.

But, I think if we don't voice our inner doubts and insecureties then they grow like black mold and will eventually kill you.


Then again, perhaps I am just whining and I should shut up and just write.


PS: I just got an email from the editor of a magazine I've bene writing for for the last 5 months, and she said "You are a great writer--- thanks for sticking with us and delivering such quality writing."

Now how much cooler can that get!

 

[The Ace]

I know how you feel DG, "History of the 35mm SLR," no problem, "Use of the Hasta," piece of cake, "Evolution of the single-seat fighter," no hassle. Any piece of fiction, though is staring at a blank screen until blood spots begin to form.

 

[scalem X]

Well we all doubt, but isn't the problem, DG, that you spend more time writing non-fiction? This would mean that your skill for writing non-fiction will be much more evolved than your skill for fiction.
I too believe that, in my case academic writing, requires less effort in the sense you expressed. The human mind works in peculiar ways. The sollution is to combine thoughts with actions instead of thoughts with thoughts. Write until you really can't anymore and then write some more. (quote from a writer, who'm I'm too lazy to look up).
Oh and check out my newly created stimulating thread here!!!

 

[Chigun]

I can relate to the feelings you've presented in this thread. I've only completed two works that I would consider close to a finished first draft MS. (Writing on and off for 2+ years.) Whenever I seriously look back at my efforts I realize that what I've compiled is a utter piece of cow pie.

Like you I have these amazing action and plot scenes in my head. (Had them for a decade before I started writing, heh.) It never pans out the same way. I can't create the beauty I feel and see in my mind. If I get close to it, it seems I can only go on for a couple hundred words before I lose it (only to look back to realize it wasn't -that- great).

I'm sure you've heard all this, and I need as much encouragement as you, but I'll share what I've learned thus far.

First to quote some author I can't name: "The first draft of everything looks like s***." We both know the published folks have numerous rewrites and publisher aids. My philosophy now is to simply have the plot skeleton in place and roll with it. As long as there are no major plot inconsistencies then so what if the first draft is chicken scratches? Cut it, and it'll look better and better the more it is revised.

Second is to lose the voices. The voices/flaws might include:

The Author, having such hopes and anticipation of being published (and getting paid). It ruins the creative process and even promotes procrastination.

The Talker, one who shares their story and continually speaks about it. Ergo, the magic is gone; the motivation is finished.

The Judge, a voice that consistently compares with writers you admire and screams out your shortcomings. (All of us are jealous of some literary genius).

The Editor, the worst enemy, one who constantly tells you to revise this sentence and that, this word or that. I haven't even come up with a way to zap it to hell, but it needs to be done until the rewrite. Then it can go wild.

If someone wants to chime in ways they personally come over those voices and flaws, that'd be awesome.

Third is to read the crap out of books that engage your unique imagination. (IE. whatever genre interests you). I didn't like this advice at first. This is a task that takes hours of time and must continue the entirety of ones career. It's amazing how many parlor tricks it teaches you though.

Fourth is goals and time. Each person writes at a different rate. If you don't write as much as you'd like, then sit down and decide how much you WOULD like to write per day. Make it reasonable and try and make it the same time each day. If you write 500 words easily in a day, do it! Make a log and write down start and stop times, thus you can takes breaks and dance around, getting back to it a bit later. I found this works for me. I was doing 1,000 per day, though, and it proved at bit too much for my slow writing.

After just a week of doing this, you will be 3,500 words closer to a first MS. Keep up the momentum and you may never find yourself ruing over lack of writing again.

You WILL make fiction writing a career, but it is a career where the experience comes slowly. Check back your first works and compare them with current. See the difference? That, my friend, is permanent improvement. It's something that will continue into the future, so don't give up now.

What you get down on paper may not be on equal terms with the mind's vision. You may be surprised, though, how people receive it and in time you'll grow closer and closer to equating with the scene in your head. But seriously, to get it perfectly as one pictures it, we'd need a life simulator with a person directly connected to all the stimuli and situation. Close to it is perfect in my book.

I probably missed the mark here. But I hope these inexperienced words of mine can be of some menial help to you. You and I both have to go WRITE right now so let's rock.

-Chi=GUN=

 

[Lith]

It never turns out on paper like how you imagined it. Ever. The act of writing (or in my experience, of drawing it) erases the original, so to speak. So- don't worry about that, because what good is an idea in your head?

I know what you're feeling, DG. Feels a bit like Sisyphus rolling that ball up the hill every day, doesn't it? I suppose you could call it a worthless activity, and give up. But I hope you'd rather say "*(#%@ it! I'm rolling that ^$*%$* ball up the **&$&%*$ hill if it $*%($($#*(%@ $(%#%*$*$*#*#3! me!"


(This is also known as tenacity.)