Fox Fair: Prototype

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FoxFair23

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Hi, You can call me Elizabeth my friend Danielle was the maker of the plot of this "story". She told me what to write and I basically dolled up what she said. We are both really happy that we created this piece together and feel rather proud. We love are work and just felt its need to be shared. Any constructive criticism would be welcome but most of all we just hope you have a great time reading it! As it is our first time writing so seriously I must warn you in the end it just might be plain crap.;)

Enjoy!
Elizabeth and Danielle

By the way when we mention angle we mean camera angle since this was originally meant to be the ground work for an anime idea. So if there is any trouble reading this we apologize.

Scene 1: Red lights are flaring in a silver plated lab with white tiles. The angle sweeps to a door with a plate bearing the title K4. The angle enters the room and focuses on a tank in the middle of the room, a chosen among many that stretch on into the darkness. The dark center of the tank stirs and its’ darkness presses firmly on the encasing glass. Suddenly red eyes flash, a crack streaks up the side of the glass; and with a crash and burst the angle slowly rises up to the wire puncturing dark flesh. With a sharp sound they are savagely ripped. Only a small glimpse of the shadow is caught as it swiftly charges at the angle. The angle swings and follows after the dark figure and as it makes its way down the hall it catches sight of fallen bodies littering the floors. Entering further into the labyrinth of corridors following the line of blood, urgent footsteps of soldiers are heard clambering over empty bodies. A leader among the group snaps the order, “Split up and find Prototype Plus at all costs!”. The screen goes dark and all that is caught is calm, slow breaths. The blank sight is lifted and the angle is found to be the eyes of the shadow , silently observing a door marked by a sign that states “Authorized Personnel Only”. The angle is jostled as the shadow breaks the door down by roughly smashing it through. The angle follows the shadow’s line of sight as it gracefully slides into the room. With perfect composure the shadow looks across the storage space and spots an abundance of lab coats and an assortment of artillery. Suddenly and sharply the angle sweeps around to finally admire the confident grin of shadows.

Scene 2: A slim young lady, with long flowing dark brown hair pulled back by a bulky white headband, burning gray eyes, and swept up by a long white lab coat, which supported a bulge in the back; strolled down the hall. Passing the angle by, her identification badge smartly taps her chest; her high heels rap a steady beat, and her expression is cocky but intelligent. The angle trails her while an intercom cries for the attention of the scientists in the surrounding area, “ All science personnel centered around the section K4 containment area please evacuate the area immediately!”. Her steps lead her to the exit as she passes a group of soldiers heading the opposite way. Soon, she rushes out the door and adopts a harder pace. Not long and she finds herself a decent distance from danger. The young lady slows down then comes to a smooth stop. She raises her head up toward the cluster of lab buildings behind her as she turns. Her quiet smirk stretches across her face and caps of the strong self image found in her firm jaw. All actions as if to say “Hmph!”. As she turns she throws off her coat and whips off her headband; thereby, astonishingly revealing puffy ears and a hefty tail.

Scene 3: Once again the screen has drawn a blank until its’ vision is revealed to be flashes of sectionK4 and the surrounding area, in ruins. Various staff members and soldiers encompass the halls occasionally lifting bodies and salvaging remains. A lone head figure surveys the wreckage to collect an analysis report in section K4. Scribbling statuses on her clip board her long dark green hair falls onto her work as her dark blue eyes seem to leave worry on her face. After a few moments she gently lifts her head and peers at a man with gray hair slicked back above a pale pinched face enclosed by a square jaw. His eyebrows arched and his hands clasped behind his back he took slow mocking swaggers toward the lady. With each step he cackled, with each cackle he delivered a silent laugh. Every time his foot hit the ground and he gave her that venomous yet taunting look she bit her cheek to hold back her demons. It was clear that he did not think much of her. She looked in his icy eyes as he finally reached her and could tell that he was fiddling with the idea of letting his inner lion loose on her. Her mind could not help but to ask the question “Will I live?”. She knew how cold his anger could be and resolved to survive at least this encounter. When he had finally finished his “Hidden Agenda” parade she made her move.
“Professor Cardic, sir! It seems that the Prototype Plus has escaped and has murdered squadrons 3,6, and9! No scientists were lost in the incident and all other prototypes are still in the containment area!,” reports the lady, “Orders Sir!” Cardic rests his left hand under his chin and folds his right under his armpit while sliding a slight grin into place.
“ An incident? That’s what you call it?,” remarks Cardic, he sighs, “You could have been a Politician. Anyway, what’s the damage percentage?”
“98%, Sir!” The angle rises to the ceiling to contain a full view of the body counts resting under sheets in rows on the floor below. The wires and tubes from the ravaged tank lie in a mess across the room, stretching toward the door, weaving through the corpses cold, black, and broken snakes.
 
Hello ladies

Although I'll read the whole when I get the chance, I'll give some comments on Scene 1. if that's alright. No grammar comments just my POV.

Scene 1: Red lights are flaring in a silver plated lab with white tiles. The angle sweeps to a door with a plate bearing the title K4. The angle enters the room and focuses on a tank in the middle of the room, a chosen among many that stretch on into the darkness. The dark center of the tank stirs and its' darkness presses firmly on the encasing glass.

Good so far. I can see this. grammar error (couldn't help myself)

Suddenly red eyes flash, a crack streaks up the side of the glass; and with a crash and burst the angle slowly rises up to the wire puncturing dark flesh.

What wire? Where did the wire come from?

With a sharp sound they are savagely ripped.

Who are savagely ripped?

Only a small glimpse of the shadow is caught as it swiftly charges at the angle.

Who is *the shadow?*

The angle swings and follows after the dark figure and as it makes its way down the hall it catches sight of fallen bodies littering the floors.

You should mention something about 'the dark figure' before now. Presumably, it is 'the shadow'? Then explain it a bit more.

Why are there bodies fallen all over the floor? And where did they come from?

Entering further into the labyrinth of corridors following the line of blood, urgent footsteps of soldiers are heard clambering over empty bodies. A leader among the group snaps the order, “Split up and find Prototype Plus at all costs!”.

Now we're chasing the dark thingy thing right? And it's urgent because it's left a trail of bodies (presumably), so these soldiers are scared and must belong to a unit that deals in this kind of thing. Yeah? So why put in 'at all costs' They know their stuff. And it would defer from the dialogue, makes it amateurish.

The screen goes dark and all that is caught is calm, slow breaths.

If the screen's dark it's blank (practically). How do you catch calm slow breaths on a blank screen?

The blank sight is lifted and the angle is found to be the eyes of the shadow , silently observing a door marked by a sign that states “Authorized Personnel Only”.

Oh... The shadow is breathing. I think the screen needs to have a bit of light and the shadow thing seen, even in the darkness, when the breathing's going on.

The angle is jostled as the shadow breaks the door down by roughly smashing it through. The angle follows the shadow’s line of sight as it gracefully slides into the room.

Yep. The camera turns at different angles in sudden movements to indicate sudden action, then it pans through the door to become the line of sight for the creature. Yep, I can see this. Good.

With perfect composure the shadow looks across the storage space and spots an abundance of lab coats and an assortment of artillery. Suddenly and sharply the angle sweeps around to finally admire the confident grin of shadows.

This thing just broke out of a tank right? It's being chased by some serious and heavy artillery. It leaves a trail of blood and bodies and stands in perfect composure with a confident grin. Girls, this guy is from Resident Evil and the sewn up creature in that took practically an H-Bomb to stop. ;)

Anyway, that's my input and POV only, usual disclaimers. But I must say, when you've cleaned it up and have explained it as if the viewer is looking at it, then yeah, I'm excited. It's fashioning itself into something I'd like to watch. Now if you'll excuse me I'll go and read the rest. Well done:D
 
This is not something that is supposed tobe read; it is a storyboard (without the pictures), not even a shooting script (where actions, camera movements and zooms, dialogue and effects are in different columns in parallel) "Zoom in to panel, pulling focus as you go" "Pan to tank, quick cut to CU (close up)…et cetera.
As such, it is no help my correcting the grammar; it is not an oeuvre as such, but te instructions on how to create an ouevre.
Which is not to say that a story couldnot be told in this way, but the cameraman, the boom operator, the gaffer al need to have a presence within the story, as they essentially characters… I don't know.
 
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