Radical POV Change: Does It Work?

[The Bloated One]

Dear All,

I am writing a radical change of POV - see below. Does it work? I love the idea, but alas that doesn't mean it works!

Your thoughts are always welcome.

Background: Tarquin Jenkins and Jeremiah Cavendish (time travellers) have arrived in 1671 just as Captain Blood, dressed as a Parson is stealing the Crown Jewels from the Jewel Tower in the Tower of London.

The Bloated One...

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"Captain Blood is in the Jewel Tower stealing the jewels!" said Tarquin, imploring the Sergeant to act.

"Okay lad, let’s go and look," said the Sergeant, ringing the alarm bell inside the guardhouse. A Company of soldiers raced across the courtyard cobblestones and lined up in three ranks.

"Boy's," said the Sergeant calmly, "This ain’t no training day. To the Jewel Tower!" Tarquin sighed with relief and succumbed to sleep as the Tower Guard fixed bayonets and fanned out toward the Tower.

* * *​

On an inconsequential planet, in a universe a trillion, billion light years from the Milky Way sat Berbitedge Sludge in front of his 60’’ Vissy Visualizer screen, with a V V dinner, a pale of ale, and a mountain of cellulose. For eons, his planet had searched the galaxies for signs of life. For two years, radio waves from a little planet known only as E0o/j5 had arrived across time and space and Visual Visualiser channels fell over themselves to package and broadcast the thousands of hours of earth history descending like snowflakes on the planet.

Friday night on the Human History Channel was fight night. Sludge passed wind, hit the channel selector and belched.

"Welcome viewers," said the presenter enthusiastically, flashing a toothy grin. "Tonight we have a special bout all the way from…" He paused for effect; he always paused for effect. "Human year 1671, in little ole England!" The presenter ran his tendrils through the white tuft of course hair on his otherwise bald dome and pointed one of his six hands at the screen. "This is an epic, a one on one, no holds barred contest."

Sludge nodded excitedly, his five, fleshy chins like sycophantic politicians wobbled in agreement. He settled back in his shell, scooped up a mouthful of ale and gargled loudly before swallowing. Human History World of Sport, presented by the colourful Dorky Dewis was his favourite programme. His five concubines thought him mad to watch aliens grappling, but as a soon-to-be father of twenty or thirty Rinchkats—depending on the current and prevailing wind—Saturday afternoon’s was his time to chill.

On screen, Blood was whacking a crown with a mallet, and his associates were cramming orbs and sceptres down their pants.

"Let’s go over to the Tower of London," said the presenter. "Kent, What do you see?"

"Interesting question Dorky…" Kent always started with the same observation...

* * *​

Cavendish waited patiently by the Iron-Gate. He heard a loud commotion and several musket shots. He steeled himself. The sound of running footsteps came closer. He stepped out and smashed his forearm into the Parson’s face sending him recoiling backward.

"Yer baastard, yer no surgeon!" shouted Blood, drawing his pistol and levelling it at Cavendish.

Click

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[Interference]

First, be assured I'm no expert. In fact I'm inexpert. But ....

I liked it. If it isn't stylistically jarring or deceptive, it seems to me a perfectly valid way to introduce a new aspect of your world. This specific instance hints at a story-line to be developed later in the book, throws the events into a new and comical perspective and turns life events into entertainment.

It only depends, as far as I can tell, on how you return to this other world later and how these events are connected across time and/or space.

Please don't call your reporter 'Kent'. Superman and the Simpsons have dibs.

 

[The Bloated One]

Thanks,

I take the point about Kent...

 

[areader]

I know that there are a couple of very successful writers who write like this and do so all of the time...for effect and with intention (they are aware of the fact that they are doing it). I remember reading a campfire scene where headhopping went right around the group and it worked...if you have a purpose behind it...(you might need a list or guide of characters as an appendix in some cases to avoid confusion). This is rather like reading a script of a play...a cross genre...I did email a writer who had started with script writing and had applied it to their novel and found it rather interesting. When it is done well and carefully crafted...I see no reason why not.
In this case I'd say yes...the effect works.

 

[The Bloated One]

Thanks,

This is very encouraging. I use it sparsely. In fact I only have one more like this, so I might use Sludge again, later in the novel.

My other POV change;

Using Mrs Beeton’s book, Georgia planned a series of hole hopping manoeuvres to disguise their return to Sleazeeze. Their Grand Tour began in 1666 with the Great Fire of London. At Pudding Lane they picked up a hole to the third quarter of 1985’s SuperBowl XIX where they floated alongside the TV blimp. Patching the live TV feed into their control screens, they watched the game and waited for the next wormhole to open. They then flew to 2200 and the Raging Fires of Hrotso, swung past the planet Arterius flying low across the Plains of Trim before arriving in the UK sometime in 1977 and hovering precariously above a busy section of the A23 near Croydon. Their final leg took them to Tharg, forty minutes before they left.

* * *​

On the planet Arterius, in a galaxy far, far away, an army of terrified knuckle dog riders looked up as fiery trails streaked across the purple night sky.

"It’s a sign!" shrieked Termalan the Wise, a toothless soothsayer riding with the Royal prince at the head of the Troglagit army. Startled, his knuckle dog reared up and sent him crashing to the ground, denting his jewel-encrusted mitre. Panic spread like a tsunami through the massed ranks of knuckle dogs, unseating their Troglagit warriors, sending them crashing to the icy ground.

"We must not go on, it is a sign!" screamed Termalan, his shrill voice echoing across the mountain ranges of ice blue silica. Hurriedly he threw Runes on the ground and thumbed through a large leather tome. "The Gods have spoken, we must flee the Whispering Planes of Trim!"

So, the Troglagit’s month long sojourn across the immeasurable icelands of Arterius to lay siege to the Murag capital halted.

In centuries to come Muragothian balladeers would sing of the golden rain in the sky that turned away the Troglagit invaders and saved the Murag dynasty from extinction.

* * *​

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to comment,

Regards,

The Bloated One...​

 

[areader]

I didn't connect the travelling as creating the sign...but this may just be me. It took several reads (but within the context of a book this might be different). Perhaps breaking up the intro par ...as I admit I glossed over it.

 

[The Bloated One]

One thing I have learnt from posting is that if someone sees something wrong, or has difficulty understanding, others will too, so always double check.

I agree, it is confusing, I will mend. Thanks, I wouldn't have spotted it on my own.

 

[JohnDPaxton]

I don't understand what's so radical about this shift.

Vonnegut routinely bends time and space from one perspective. Faulkner, in on novel, tells the story from both the perspective of a functionally retarded man and an omnipotent God.

In short: Yes, if you make each passage as clear and defined as those two, it works.

 

[The Bloated One]

John,

Thanks.

That's the key - providing they are clearly defined, they work.

Radical for me, I should have said.

 

[timelord4]

Hi TBS!

It works for me very well. The opening and closing scenes denote action and they don't pause, they flow, enabling the reader to 'live' the action through the eyes of the protagonist, then antagonist.

The middle scene is like a filler scene. There is an info dump at the start which draws the reader on, and just before the reader can get bored, it introduces a punchline.

'Friday night on the Human History Channel was fight night. Sludge passed wind, hit the channel selector and belched.

"Welcome viewers," said the presenter enthusiastically,'

That part to me sucked me back in. 'Human History Channel'? 'fight night' Great pull in. And it doesn't fail with "Welcome viewers." The rest piqued my interest more than usual and I enjoyed it better as it progressed. (I know when that happens because I'm still grinning after I've finished the story).

The POV is an aid to prevent confusion to the reader, but it isn't set in stone. It's what the readers think, that is.


Oh, and as for the second piece. I got a bit confused until I read it several times. Then it clicked in. Maybe if you mentioned the A23 Croydon before Arterius it wouln't have tripped me. But the trails across the sky was nice and subtle.

 

[The Bloated One]

Spot on!

Thanks. I had a lot of negative thoughts when I posted this, mainly because I was unsure if my type of humour (Terry Gilliam meets Douglas Adams) is mainstream enough to apeal, and my changing the POV just complicated the story.

The idea that a random action by a time travelling space ship causes others to think it an omen makes me chuckle.

TBO