Short Story Excerpt

[ragnarblackmane]

Hey, I've finally decided to post an excerpt from my first short story I wrote about a year ago, when I was 17. Just remember that it wasn't meant to be 'original' or 'unique' in any way, and it was basically just how I interpreted a certain authors style of writing. After the first few words you'll recognize the author who influenced this work. Here goes:

The Cyclopean ruins stood vile and blasphemous, on an little island of cursed towers and long-abandoned structures of stone. Strange monuments dedicated to forgotten Gods of eldritch might surrounded the island, poking themselves loathesomely just above the surface of the Pacific Ocean. Greenish ooze of indiscriminate origin bubbled profusely along the crumbling, moss-ridden walls. Several humanoid figures, gangily limbed and suffering from hunched postures, loped back and forth, dashing, leaping and slipping on a wet walkway of black stone, possibly obsidian. An obese creature, decked in slime and filth, presided above the moving figures seated in a throne comprised of deformed skulls, which happened to be on an old balcony jutting from a lopsided tower. The giant monster emitted a foul, noxious odor reminiscent of a dozen carcasses left in the sun to decay for several weeks. The obese monster smiled a terrible smile, revealing a maw filled with rows of disorganized razor-sharp teeth of a brilliantly disturbing ivory. Saliva dripped ominously from its repulsively disgusting mouth. Bellowing with a deep, maniacal quality, spittle spewing hazardously in all directions, he enjoyed the resulting spectacle before him. Incessantly morbid laughter reverberated, creating echoes throughout the ruins. Howls and inhuman yelps replied back in gusto. The hellish sounds and maddeningly incomprehensible voices were the very definitions of the bizarre and monstrous. Drums, beating to an unmentionable tune of surreal bestial ferocity, started up, an omen of the inevitable arrival of forbidden deities with titles lost to the obscure passage of time. Beasts of little intelligence cater and act as violent thugs in the eternal service of Gods of profound malignance and unimaginable cruelty. A requiem of wanton destruction, slaughter and utter chaos were the accomplices of these dreaded and abominable deities.

 

[timelord4]

Can't for the life of me, recognise who the author would be. Seems all the epic type authors sound like that. Adverb/adjective frenzy, or vice versa.

Anyway, your story's good. Got quite taken up by it. Good work ragnar!

 

[ragnarblackmane]

Thank you!


Hint: Think Cosmic Horror...

 

[Dafydd Cymraeg]

Ragnar, the author hint means nothing to me, but the excerpt you posted was tremendous. A few grammar errors but the content was great, post more!

 

[scalem X]

Love, I must confess that I never read Lovecraft, yet I would have guessed him after a few words.

I fear though, that nowadays, people tend to want stuff more directly (see purple prose). There is nothing wrong, well here and there an anomaly, but I fear that if this short story is longer than one page, nowadays' people will get bored with the descriptions.

Of course the real geeks will love it and worship you.

 

[The Ace]

A little heavy, but very vivid.

 

[vintagefury]

I recognised Lovecraft when I read "eldritch" and was waiting for "obtuse" or "macabre." "Obese" was there so I suppose that's close. It's there twice, by the way.

You tapped a genre I like, and normally I wouldn't do this, but your writing made me want to (that is a compliment, not an insult). Also Chris hasn't been in here yet. But he normally does SPAG. I'm going for style. And if you don't like it or disagree, I respect your opinion there. I'm a twenty-something engineer, not a professional writer or editor. I haven't taken a proper composition class since high school and have never formally studied creative writing. I just read a lot. Caveat emptor if you heed any of my advice.

The Cyclopean ruins stood vile and blasphemous, on an little island of cursed towers and long-abandoned structures of stone. Strange monuments dedicated to forgotten Gods of eldritch

There she is. Although I don't know if "might" can be "spooky" but that's just me, I guess.

might surrounded the island, poking themselves loathesomely just above the surface of the Pacific Ocean.

"poking themselves loathesomely" seems awkward to me. I can't actually see what this would look like.

Greenish ooze of indiscriminate origin bubbled profusely along the crumbling, moss-ridden walls. Several humanoid figures, gangily limbed and suffering from hunched postures,

"suffering from hunched postures" strikes me as awkward. Perhaps to keep the beat of the wording you could try...

"suffering from gangily limbs and hunchd postures"

or

"gangily limbed and hunched in posture"

or something else, I dunno. Maybe I'm the only one who fumbled here.

loped back and forth, dashing, leaping and slipping on a wet walkway of black stone, possibly obsidian.

Obsidian is a distinct stone. The closest I can think of is onyx and you can tell the difference. With how long this sentence is, I'd hack it off here and just make it say "wet walkway of the blackest obsidian" or something.

An obese creature, decked in slime and filth, presided above the moving figures

comma here

seated in a throne comprised of deformed skulls, which happened to be

"which happened to be" - why? Just say "resting" or "perched"

"perched" may not work for the obese creature (I'm seing a Hutt, and I can't see Jabba ever being described as "perching") but take your best crack at it, I suppose.

on an old balcony jutting from a lopsided tower. The giant monster emitted a foul, noxious odor

stench? I'd think "stench" would be stronger here. Although, you don't want to go too far overboard, so maybe not.

reminiscent of a dozen carcasses left in the sun to decay for several weeks.

I'm not a fan of this sentence. Perhaps "The giant monster emitted a foul stench; one could imagine several dozen corpses trapped within the folds of its mottled, sagging flesh, half-rotted and toxic." Or something. I dunno. I have no idea if he's mottled, I just felt like it went there.

The obese

There she is again. I'd nix it here. Also you've already called it a monster before. Try something new. Just say "It" if you must.

monster smiled a terrible smile, revealing a maw

"revealing a maw" breaks up the flowetry for me. I would just nix "a maw filled with" and go straight into the rows of teeth. If we're talking about teeth, certainly we're staring at a mouth.

filled with rows of disorganized razor-sharp teeth of a brilliantly disturbing ivory. Saliva dripped ominously from its repulsively disgusting

"repulsively disgusting" strikes me as redundant

mouth. Bellowing with a deep, maniacal quality, spittle spewing

This allitteration bothers me. I would rather see "flying" than "spewing." Or perhaps "flinging spittle hazardously" - haphazardly? If you pick haphazardly, nix "in all directions."

hazardously in all directions, he enjoyed the resulting spectacle before him.

What spectacle? I would either like to see a semicolon and a subsequent description of said spectacle, or perhaps tack this on later or just nix it altogether.

Incessantly morbid laughter reverberated, creating echoes throughout the ruins. Howls and inhuman yelps replied back in gusto.

I'm a whore for semicolons. I'd tack those two togther with one.

The hellish sounds and maddeningly incomprehensible voices were the very definitions

definition? Chris, if you see this, correct me if I'm wrong.

of the bizarre and monstrous. Drums,

nix the comma, put "began" here - "Drums began beating..." and then nix that "started up" part. It's too broken with that arrangement.

beating to an unmentionable tune of surreal bestial ferocity, started up, an omen of the inevitable

I don't like "inevitable" here, or "omen" - perhaps "a signal of the arrival"?

arrival of forbidden deities with titles lost to the obscure passage of time. Beasts of little intelligence cater and act as violent thugs in the eternal service of Gods of profound malignance and unimaginable cruelty.

I'm not a fan of this sentence, but I tried reworking it for you and I couldn't. No matter what I tried, it didn't work out for me. The best I could get was "Slow-witted beasts acted as servant and savage, bound in eternal servitude to Gods of profound malignance and unimaginable cruelty." But I'm not even pleased with that. I dunno. I fail.

A requiem of wanton destruction, slaughter and utter chaos were the accomplices of these dreaded and abominable deities.

Go ahead and call me an idiot if you want. That's just my take on the matter. I enjoy Lovecraft a great deal, but I wouldn't say it's for his technical style

 

[ragnarblackmane]

I'll try and edit it to correct some of the errors and such you mentioned.

 

[vintagefury]

I'll try and edit it to correct some of the errors and such you mentioned.

Only those you feel are valid!!

 

[ragnarblackmane]

I know.



The Cyclopean ruins stood vile and blasphemous, on a little island of cursed towers and long-abandoned structures of stone. Strange monuments dedicated to forgotten Gods of eldritch horror surrounded the island, poking their spires and arches just above the rippling surface of the Pacific Ocean. Greenish ooze of indiscriminate origin bubbled profusely along the crumbling, moss-ridden walls. Several humanoid figures, gangily limbed and with hunched postures, loped back and forth, dashing, leaping and slipping on a wet walkway of fine obsidian. An obese creature, decked in slime and filth, presided above the moving figures seated in a throne comprised of deformed skulls, which was resting on an old balcony jutting from a lopsided tower. The giant monster emitted a foul, noxious odor; an odor reminiscent of a rapidly decaying body. The enormous monster smiled a terrible smile of razor-sharp teeth. Bellowing with a deep, maniacal quality, spittle spewing haphazardously in every direction, the thing enjoyed the resulting spectacle before him. Incessantly morbid laughter reverberated, creating echoes throughout the ruins. Howls and inhuman yelps replied back in gusto. The hellish sounds and maddeningly incomprehensible voices were the very definitions of the bizarre and monstrous. Drums, beating to an unmentionable tune of surreal bestial ferocity, started up, an omen of the inevitable arrival of forbidden deities with titles lost to the obscure passage of time. Beasts of little intelligence cater and act as violent misfits in the eternal service of Gods of profound malignance and unimaginable cruelty. A requiem of wanton destruction, slaughter and utter chaos were the accomplices of these dreaded and abominable deities.

 

[ix_silver]

Nice, really well worked out in detail, textures and shades of the location create a mysterious world that I can see when visualizing your writing.