"The Megalith" short segment

[ix_silver]

It may be hard for you to read screenplay format, but I would be grateful for your opinion on these short segments. I will take more time to comment your writing as well.


"The Megalith"
“The Gate of Aasa, Quenby, and The Journey of The Prince
The Slayer of Dragons”


from beginning

EXT. VILLAGE - DAY



The boy’s stepfather, ODE, comes closer, sets his large knap-pouch on the ground.

ODE
Son, come here. Sit here beside me.

MAC CUILLAUME
Why?

 

[dustinzgirl]

I like it, good flow and action for a script, and that's hard to do.

 

[chrispenycate]

es, I know, the last thing you need fo a screenplay is a grammar crit, but this piece straddles the divide between something intended to be read and a shooting script (which would generally be in columns for the different people who had to take cars of the different tasks)

It may be hard for you to read screenplay format, but I would be grateful for your opinion on these short segments. I will take more time to comment your writing as well.


"The Megalith"
“The Gate of Aasa, Quenby, and The Journey of The Prince
The Slayer of Dragons”


from beginning

EXT. VILLAGE - DAY

As a bird gliding in the air, the ancient Tall City stronghold, sand dunes, bog pools, megalithic stone patterns, and thatch roofed farms below are moving by. Shortly the landscape starts to be damaged as if someone has ridden through it with a boat

somepne ridden through it with a boat? This simile gives me the picture of a single, long groove of destruction, not the generalised and almost random chaos you later describe

and left behind great trenches, dikes, and ditches. At a moment when something like a tail of a dragon is demolishing a small hill with huts and a wooden stronghold, then a blow of fire at the village.

this is not a comlete sentence, I take the meaning to be "At the moment moment something like a tail of a dragon is demolishing a small hill with a wooden stronghold overlooking a few huts, before its owner blows fire at the village.

Pulling back revels

reveals this to be a reflection from a round stone hanging on a dirty chest

this reflection coming from a round stone that is hanging on a dirty chest. It is MAC CUILLAUME, a ten year old boy. He plays with a winged

comma

lizard-like frog tadpole

definitely "whose" ; and does "tadpole" (the aquatic stage of the metamorphosing amphibian) carry the right image to you?

who’s body is like an ox, fore and hind legs like frog’s and the tail like a chain of a long snake,

would you get an "ox" simile for something with frog limbs? Besides, "ox" is generally used to imply size and massiveness, while this is a little pet. If all the legs are frog-like, you don't need the "fore and hind" and what is the "chain" of a snake? Just "tail like a long snake", perhaps?there is too much descriptive between the "he plays with" and the "letting it - weve lost the thread, and end up with the tail climbing and wiggling, besides, isn't this fearsome beast demolishing the sand sculptures at this time?

letting it climb and wiggle on him. There is something in his hand that the frog wants and he’s trying to keep away from him. Sun rise up in the hills of breath taking landscape.

word order? Perhaps "The sun rises over the breath-taking landscape of the hills"?

Light

comma ; and if you want the music "rustic" rather than "pastoral" I'd suggest minmum instrumentation (this'll save you money on session musicians, too) Strings give an urbanity to the music straight away.

peaceful rustic string and fife MUSIC in harmony with the TWITTERING birds fills the air.

The boy’s stepfather, ODE, comes closer, sets his large knap-pouch

you've deliberately steered close to, but not quite touching, knapsack. presumably your props department will know the difference

on the ground.

ODE
Son, come here. Sit here beside me.

MAC CUILLAUME
Why?

Cuillaume turns his back to him, standing, facing his playground. He continues to play with his pet, Spewer. He sets the creature on top of a three feet high half-egg like mound that is covered with net pattern made of twigs.

Perhaps a "smooth, oval mound about three feet high,covered with a network of twigs"or have I misunderstood your image?

Cuillaume teases the frog repeatedly, letting it almost bite into the sunstone, then pulling the sunstone away again.

MAC CUILLAUME
(continuing)
Is this about the Gate?

-----

from the middle
...
EXT. BATTLEFIELD – DAY

Cuillaume just stands there and watches, he is strong

at least a comma; but do you really need the two adjectives? and put a "with" before th "a lot of white hair"; it makes it easier to read

mighty warrior, a lot of white hair on his arms, but he’s not eager to fight the beast,

full stop,; and "storming to him when he sees him lying on thr ground"

instead he finds King Estmund, storms to him when seeing him laying on the ground. He’s dead.

MAC CUILLAUME (TALL)
(calls out)
Aaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaatttaattahhhh!

In the ball up

singular of "balls up? meaning that someone had made a mistake? Perhaps

of the battle, man running here and there, the fight stops

"men" running stops "in an instant"

at an instant at Cuillaume’s cry. Everything is still; Cuillaume grabs a war-axe and makes a whirlwind under it when he throws the weapon at the frog. It cuts as a wedge in to

cut a wedge in one of its small, underdeveloped wings.

one of its small underdeveloped wings. An ear-locking roar, he pulls it out with his teeth, tosses it. He is angry but tired; the battle abates for the day.

I assume it's the frog monster that roars, plucks out the axe and tosses it away. In which case, if you start with "it" better to continue using the "it", otherwise we're confused about who the "he"is. It's "With an ear-locking roar" (though what exactly "ear-locking" means, as someone who works with high intensity sound I can't tell you) and is it also the monster that is tired?

MAC CUILLAUME(TALL)
(calls out)
The good old man is gone.

Cuillaume is surprised of his low very sad voice.

I don't understand what this sentence is saying

His eyes are wet. He starts making a stretcher out of the flag in King Estmund’s hand and two spears he finds laying nearby. More people gather around the two. As Mac Cuillaume, almost a giant, lifts King Estmund on the stretcher a quiet drum-rhythm starts and expands in volume and echo: it is Dawn.

I think he lifts the king onto the stretcher (rather than lifting the two together as described) then takes the front of the spears, while six men arrange themselves to take the far end (long spears, like pikes; sounds reasonable when going after monsters) Why the capital letter for "dawn"? Indeed, unless they were fighting at night, how has it taken that long for such rudimentary preparations (I won't go into the probability of finding a battlefield banner big enough th work as thebasis for a stetcher)

Cuillaume takes the King at the front, and six man at the back from the spears as they carry him in the tromp

trumpet?

and drum echoed procession of many thousand man.

 

[ix_silver]

Most respect, and thank you for the critique. Here a bit more, I hope it isn't too long. My native tongue is not English, and I am writing it for directing by myself, so it may be hard for others to understand it all.


[FONT=&quot]EXT. TALL CITY STRONGHOLD GROUNDS – DAY[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]MONTAGE AND SONG: The exchange of Cuillaume and QUENBY[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]As the two-year-old Cuillaume is about to leave from the stronghold grounds with Ode to the country hut, Kimbery runs closer.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] KIMBERY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] (calling)[/FONT]
Your majestiii-ii, your majestiii-ii.
[FONT=&quot]Same song continues later:[/FONT]
(whispering)
[FONT=&quot] He must have this, Raven brought [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] it to him year ago.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]King Estmund is just speechless, standing by, looking at his tragedy. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] ODE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Yes Kimbery, he will need that, yes, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] and he will also need all of this.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Beckons to the horse and a wagon filled with a whole load of household articles, gets on top of the load. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]King Estmund accepts the toddler, Quenby, from Fay, holding her on his arms.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] FAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Ode, I will come to visit at times.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] ODE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](carelessly)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Gee! Gee![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] (to Cuillaume)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Get on or walk, it is up to you.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]EXT. VILLAGE - DAY[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Prince Cuillaume, discovers his new way of life in a poor cotter ODE’s home. Ode is fully content with the return exchange: he has food and money now in abundance, but people he still doesn’t care for, don’t miss Quenby or care for Cuillaume.[/FONT]

EXT. TALL CITY, CITY GATE - DAY

Cotter’s daughter, S1cont Quenby, grows three years in the kings palace and sleeps in the royal cradle on silk pillows, between silk sheets until one day Gwendamort in dark gray robe comes to collect his pay in a black fancy chariot with six black fillies harnessed in front.

FAY
We have not even had enough
time to think of a name for him,
yet. . . How can we give. . .

Fay croaks, then chirps and twitters to her child.

KING ESTMUND
(interrupting)
We will take care of that. Don’t you
worry too much. Fay, Fay...

FAY
(crying, running after, to herself)
Quenby, ...Quenby is the name...
(falling, weeping)
Quenby......

[FONT=&quot]Quenby chirps and twitters back. Fay sends another twitter. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Gwendamort[/FONT][FONT=&quot] leaves with the girl knowing of the change, but not letting it show. The Aasa king is very glad that his deception had come off, and celebrates his victory. He gives presents describe to, Fay and Ode, the parents of the girl, so that his son is comfortably off and lacks nothing in their cottage. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]EXT. VILLAGE – DAY [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] S1cont:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]SONG AND MONTAGE: As if she’s continuing from Cuillaume losing his sunstone to Ode. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Fay touches [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Cuillaume[/FONT][FONT=&quot]’s chest where the stone was. Eight years later, mother sits and embraces her only son, her adopted son who has grown up (18). Drifting in to thinking of her daughter.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]FAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] (Sleepy)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Quenby, Quenby.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] END SONG AND MONTAGE[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] MAC CUILLAUME[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] I am going to fight that ******* [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] now. I won’t wait for an hour. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] You have kept secrets from me which [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] were not yours to keep. Yes, you [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] miss her, yet you don’t let me go [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] to save her. Why? I survived, and [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] I feel that Quenby is suffering, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] she is suffering pains that I was [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] to bear.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] FAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You are my son even when you are [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]not my own. I don’t believe you [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]can change anything. You will be [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]cheated in to their traps.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] MAC CUILLAUME[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] (Determined)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Good will prevail. I am willing [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] to perish with her, if it must be.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] FAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The wild force of the sun has [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] gotten in to you.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] MAC CUILLAUME[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] I won’t rest before I have saved [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] the poor girl.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] FAY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] You don’t know what it means to [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] save anyone. Would you slow down [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] a bit, listen and learn.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] MAC CUILLAUME[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] (upset)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Prince learns from the works of a [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]King, then he becomes a king. The [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]cotters son follows the cotter to [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]become a cotter. Can I not do better [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]then they? There is more to life and [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will find it; and Quenby may not [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]perish as a sacrifice for my sake.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] EXT - GWENDAMORT ESTATE – NIGHT [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Shadowy, figures are walking toward a small thatch roof hut and talk about Cuillaume.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]HELLEN[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The man has inherent power. There [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]is nothing that can stop us from [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]getting it. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]HYLDA[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We have something he wants. We just [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]give Cuillaume what he wants and then [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]hold them both. Ha-ha-ha-ha[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]FRIDISWID[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Hastily)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What do we get when it is done? [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]HYLDA[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Yeah, what do we get?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]GWENDAMORT[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Rich we are then Fridiswid, truly rich and [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]powerful, if we get through the [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]gate. But, you may not forget the[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]light in the darkness. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]They stare at each other realizing the contradiction of their hopes. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]GWENDAMORT[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](continuing)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What can we do? What can we do? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Hylda, what’s the plan? [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] INT. FOREST HUT - DAY [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] They step in to the hut.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Gwendamort follows and witches as Hellen brings nine different kinds ofmagic herbs from the barn ads some charmed salt to them and ties them up in a rag.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] GWENDAMORT[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](continuing)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Girl you mess with powers greater [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] then you can imagine. Hellen, what is [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] darkness against light?[/FONT]

Hellen winds some woolen yarn around the bundle.

[FONT=&quot] HELLEN[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] You will see. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Mabarada, dalavara canabeda . . .[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] She mutters curses over it and throws it to the wind.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] HELLEN [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] ([/FONT][FONT=&quot]continuing, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]SINGING)[/FONT]
Whirlwind, whirlwind, lend your wings

Mother Wind thy flapping skirts

Carry along this little ball

[FONT=&quot] With the swiftness of a blizzard;[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Help to overtake his mind,[/FONT]
And to draw the both of them.

EXT. FOREST ROAD AT BRIDGE - EXT


[FONT=&quot]Cuillaume is riding on a hay-wagon through a forest rode, the wagon is filled five meters from the ground with hay. He is standing up on the load, trying to get the horse to move faster. Close to the bank of a wide river over which leads a narrow bridge the witch-bundle, carried by the wind, touches an old alder tree which falls right in front of him brushing the prince off the horse wagon. The horse SNORTS in fear and GALLOPS speedily on to the nearby open field. Black crows take flight as Cuillaume lays on his back on the ground.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Long beat.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Black, black, dizzy, the trees are hazy and rotating around him for a minute. 2.Slowly some muttered washed out RESOUNDING words start to make sense. It is a SONG that Fay used to sing when Cuillaume was a child. During the SONG a face of a young woman passes from Cuillaume’s view as a fogy cloud at first. Then she is as a white clowd in a blue sky, playful and frisky. Quenby is close to him, shaking him, robing him from Cuillaume’s view. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]At the end of the SONG Fay’s voice RESOUNDING, Quenby, Quenby. And there she is, smiling. Quenby helps Cuillaume to sit up, but he falls back as he was. [/FONT]

QUENBY

Aaaa, aaaaaaaa, don’t die, don’t

[FONT=&quot]die, dear prince. You look so nice, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]if you are a prince too then I will die. [/FONT]

MAC CUILLAUME
[FONT=&quot]I am a prince. Who are you?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]QUENBY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A girl, from the forest,... Quenby. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]She swoons. Cuillaume, holding her head, slaps her tenderly, blows air in her mouth,(an hour must of passed)her cheeks bulging up. She wakes. Blushes. Cuillaume drops his game of rocks throwing them up from his palm when her eyes focuse.[/FONT]