A little excerpt of what I'm working on

[Cal20]

Hey there all in chronicles Haven't posted much at all but would be very grateful if ya gave this a read.

It's a short paragraph of a novel-in-progress. Specific things I'd like to know are - does it make you want to read on, is the name interesting enough for fantasy and okay to remember and is there enough description? I know there's not much to work with but didn't want to post a lengthly excerpt. Thanks in advance

A tremendous silence bangs around the room. For Stratan it seems to last hours. Neither man knows what to say and Stratan is afraid that if he does say something it will only make it much worse. He occupies himself by looking at everything in the room but his father. Lavish portraits of his mother, his father and himself take up the space of an entire wall. Looking intently at them Stratan almost doesn’t recognise himself. It had been painted less than a year ago but since then so much has changed. Stratan realises that this must show on his face, for now he does not look so young and innocent. Finally his father speaks, in a voice that betrays his anger and frustration.
“You foolish boy! You see what happens when you take matters into your own inexperienced, immature hands?”, his father is fuming and pacing around the room, letting out his fury by hitting various objects. A vase smashes onto the floor and books fall from their shelves. Stratan decides it best not to speak, and is surprised when his father begins to launch questions at him.

 

[Nik]

A little excerpt...

I'm sorry, that's not really enough to gauge character or period, suggest plot arc etc.

Lad's annoyed his dad, but how ? Seen on the arm of an 'Unsuitable Girl' ? Said something political ? Donated money to the wrong charity ? Joined the Navy ??

IMHO, what there is reads okay...

 

[mosaix]

Cal20, thanks for being considerate by not posting too long a piece but unfortunately it's too short to really get a grip on it.

Nik's right, what's there is ok but we need more.

One point, one minutes Stratan seems to be looking at portraits (plural) and then suddenly at a single portrait (It). That jarred a bit.

 

[timelord4]

Hi Cal20.

Yeah, a little short, but I'd rather read a little short than massive.

I'd take out 'bangs'. Silence doesn't bang. It can 'deafen' though. Uncomfortable silence can make you switch off. Rather like a child waiting outside the Headmasters office. It deafens you to what's going on around you and fear feasts on your inner turmoil. I think that's what Stratan feels sitting across from his father. Stratan...mmm - dunno, maybe. Personally I like Strathan. Your story, go with what sounds best. I always go with what types easiest

Quote:
Neither man knows

I'd change 'man'. It doesn't give the feel of a father and son. Even 'person' would be better.

Quote
Stratan is afraid that if he does say something it will only make it much worse.

Introduce his father sooner. 'Stratan is afraid that if he does say something to his father, it will only make it much worse'.

Quote
Lavish portraits of his mother, his father and himself

Drop this out. You don't need it. You describe the painting of Stratan straight after, so concentrate on that.

Talking about the painting, why not add some tension, that's what you're trying to do at the beginning. Drop the painting bit completely. Have Stratan look at the painting but get into his head regarding his father.

Something like this perhaps?
He occupies himself by looking at everything in the room but his father. Even the recent portrait of himself fails to meet his eyes as he squirms in has chair.
“You foolish boy!" His father vents his anger and frustration and glowers over the lad. "You see what happens when you take matters into your own inexperienced, immature hands?”,

Hope it helps - and usual POV, IMO only

Cheers

TL.

 

[Cal20]

Thanks for the input, guys. I see what u mean mosaix, about the portraits. The paragraph is confusing because its short and I took it from the middle of my work. I'll hopefully be posting something longer soon. Thanks again

-Cal20