ysabara
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2007
- Messages
- 104
Hi All. This is a snippet from what I am optimistically calling my "fantasy novel". Feel free to rip it to shreds 
but I'd like any impressions as to how it reads ~ especially the dialogue. I realise it is hard to get a feel for something when you are presented with a chunk of words from out of no where but your input will be gratefully and graciously received. Ysabara
It was well and truly dark by the time Devin finished talking. At one stage, Tym had come to the edge of the orchard and called up to them, checking that Obis was alright.
“We’ll be down later, Tym. Ask Camma to keep supper for us, will you.”
With the darkness had come the cold. Devin huddled into his coat. The three legged dog was lying between them. Devin was grateful for the warmth where it pressed against his leg. His back throbbed and he shifted uncomfortably, drawing in a sharp breath as his scars pulled at his flesh.
There was silence between them for a time. Obis’ hand played with the dog’s silky ears. Devin didn’t know what else he could say.
“You said Brasis doesn’t know you’ve come here? Why didn’t you tell him?”
“He told me not to come here,” Devin said bluntly. “And before you say anything, it wasn’t for the reasons you’re thinking.”
“So now we can add mind reading to your list of talents. Along with your superior sense of smell, and your superior eyesight.”
“My eyesight is actually pretty damn good, but that’s beside the point. Brasis said you wanted to be left alone. That you should be left alone. He said he’d hurt you too much and he didn’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“Big of him,” muttered Obis.
“He wanted you to leave Illios and you have. But why you left, that’s what’s killing him.”
“I left because of what he did.”
“He made a mistake. Believe me, I’ve been on the receiving end of some of Brasis’ mistakes. I know how ugly they can get.” Damn ugly. “But after what I’ve just told you, surely you can see what he was trying to do. Carrying a weight like that for thirty years, is it any wonder that his judgement is sometimes skewed?”
Obis snorted. “It doesn’t seem terribly reassuring that the fulfilment of a thousand years worth of prophecy rests in the hands of someone whose judgment is skewed.”
“Maybe not. But he’s all we have. And he needs our help.”
Obis rose to his feet. The moon, approaching three quarter full, sat behind him so Devin couldn’t see his face clearly.
“I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly forgiving person. Now, I’m not so sure. Right now, Brasis and his prophecies can go hang for all I care. Small minded of me, I know, to put my feelings first, but there you go. Any roads, he’ll get over it. He doesn’t love me, you know. He’s only fond of me.”
“I don’t believe Brasis would be hurting this badly if he didn’t love you, Obis. And believe me, I’ve never seen him hurt this bad.”
“And now you’re an expert on love. There really is no end to your talents, is there Devin? How’s Ana, by the way?”
“What?” Devin asked, confused by the turn the conversation seemed to be taking.
“You know, Ana. The one you devour with your superior eyesight every time she passes by.”
Devin got to his feet, wincing as his muscles protested. “What does Ana have to do with this conversation?” he asked stiffly.
“I thought we were talking about love, Devin. You love her, don’t you?”
“No.”
“Oops. Never lie to someone when you’re trying to convince them to do something for you, Devin. It makes all your other arguments appear specious.”
“I don’t love her.” Devin’s chest hurt. I can’t love her. He hadn’t told Obis everything.
As if mind reading had suddenly become a talent that Obis possessed, the other man said, “Is there more to this tale than you’ve told me so far Devin?” He sounded exhausted, as if all the anger he had been expressing moments ago had been drained from him.
“One or two things.”
“Then let’s forget all this talk of love. Finish your faery tale, Dev.” Obis began to walk away, but not towards the house. He looked at Devin over his shoulder. “Are you cold?”
Devin nodded. “Freezing.”
“Then come with me. I’ll show you one of the hidden secrets of Beldon.
As Devin came up along side him, Obis said quietly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken my...my anger out on you. I’m not used to being angry. I don’t know how to handle it.”
“I can give you some pointers,” said Devin.
“Ah, and now you’re angry with me. I shouldn’t have said that about Ana. I really am sorry, Devin.”
“What makes you think I love her?”
Obis gave a weary laugh. “I’ve seen your face when you look at her, Dev. It’s the same face I see when I look in the mirror. Love’s a bitch.”
“You don’t think she knows, that she sees?” Devin said, embarrassed and horrified that he might be so transparent.
Obis hesitated. “Probably not. You have perfected a rather magnificent scowl for whenever Ana’s looking at you.”
“She thinks I’m mean.”
“It’s easy for people to get the wrong impression, isn’t it? Take me, for example. Most people think I’m Brasis’ whore boy. Oops, that’s right. I am. Forget that argument, Devin. It’s clearly flawed.”
“Now you’re being specious, Obis. Where are we going, by the way?”
They were clambering over a wooden fence. Obis halted on the far side and pointed towards a stand of trees.
“There.”
The dog loped across the field. Devin and Obis followed. Under the trees lay a small pool, steam gently rising from its surface. A faint, acrid smell lingered in the air. Obis knelt down and dipped his fingers in the water before rising and taking off his coat. He dropped it on the ground and began to undo his shirt.
“It’s a mineral spring,” he said. “The water’s always warm, even in the middle of winter.” He added his shirt to the pile and bent to remove his boots.
“What are you doing?”
He flashed an amused look at Devin from underneath his lashes. “I’m going for a swim of course. Are you going to join me?” Devin stared at him blankly. Obis laughed. “Don’t worry Dev. I’m only interested in your mind, not your body.” Shucking his breeches he walked into the water, sinking down until it reached his shoulders. He gave a sigh of pleasure. “Are you coming in?”
Devin shook his head.
“I’m not going to ravish you Devin,” Obis said in exasperation. “You can sit out there and freeze or...” He stopped abruptly, staring at Devin. “sh*t.” He cursed softly. “sh*t, Devin. I’m sorry. I didn’t realise...”
Devin found that he was shivering. “What didn’t you realise?” he said tautly.
“Your face is too easy to read my friend,” said Obis gently. “Is that what you saw? That night in the forest, it wasn’t the kuhjl that you saw, was it? And afterwards...”
The only sound Devin could hear was the rasp of his own breathing. He concentrated on the sound. In. Out. In. Out. And afterwards...Afterwards he had broken down and this man had been kind. He remembered the nonsense words Obis has whispered to him as he wept in his lap. He looked at Obis now. There was nothing but concern on his face.
“What did they mean? Those words you said to me that day. I didn’t understand them.”
“It was an old Keian lullaby. My nurse used to sing it to me when I was a child. I always found it soothing. I hoped you might too. It doesn’t really mean anything.”
“Sing it now.”
One pale eyebrow lifted. “Why?”
“Humour me. Maybe I need to be soothed.” Devin sat down on the grass.
“Maybe you do,” Obis agreed. He swam across the pool and sat on the far side, the water lapping about his chest. He cleared his throat. When he sang his voice was husky but surprisingly true.
“Little prince lay down your head
Upon this dream that is your bed
The sky shall cover you and keep you warm
The stars shall guard your sleep from harm
And in the morning when you rise
A shining chariot shall greet your eyes
The sun shall lead you home from night
Wrapped safe within its golden light.”
He cleared his throat again, self consciously. “It sounds better in Keian. Did you find it soothing?” he asked hopefully.
Devin found himself smiling, although for the life of him, he didn’t know why. Perhaps it was merely the thought of Obis Demariel sitting naked in a pool, singing him lullabies. “Oddly enough, yes. You have a good voice.”
“One of my many talents. We should go back to the house. You’re cold.”
“No. It’s alright. I’d like to try the water. If...”
“I shall close my eyes, like the gentleman I am,” said Obis.
He proceeded to do so, only opening them again when Devin stroked his way across the pool and sat to one side of him. The water was wonderful, the warmth soaking into his aching muscles. He leaned back on his arms so that the water lapped about his chin. “It’s good,” he sighed blissfully.
“One of my favourite things,” Obis agreed. “I’d forgotten just how good it was.”
For a time they sat there in silence, soaking up the warmth. The silence, strangely enough, was not uncomfortable. Devin felt himself drifting off.
“Don’t fall asleep Devin.”
He opened his eyes.
“Tell me the rest of this story, Dev.”
Devin turned his head and met Obis’ serious blue eyes. “The rest of the story? It’s mostly my story, I suppose.”
“Then tell me your story, Dev. If you want to, that is.”
And that was the strangest thing about this night, Devin thought. That he wanted to. And he did...
but I'd like any impressions as to how it reads ~ especially the dialogue. I realise it is hard to get a feel for something when you are presented with a chunk of words from out of no where but your input will be gratefully and graciously received. YsabaraIt was well and truly dark by the time Devin finished talking. At one stage, Tym had come to the edge of the orchard and called up to them, checking that Obis was alright.
“We’ll be down later, Tym. Ask Camma to keep supper for us, will you.”
With the darkness had come the cold. Devin huddled into his coat. The three legged dog was lying between them. Devin was grateful for the warmth where it pressed against his leg. His back throbbed and he shifted uncomfortably, drawing in a sharp breath as his scars pulled at his flesh.
There was silence between them for a time. Obis’ hand played with the dog’s silky ears. Devin didn’t know what else he could say.
“You said Brasis doesn’t know you’ve come here? Why didn’t you tell him?”
“He told me not to come here,” Devin said bluntly. “And before you say anything, it wasn’t for the reasons you’re thinking.”
“So now we can add mind reading to your list of talents. Along with your superior sense of smell, and your superior eyesight.”
“My eyesight is actually pretty damn good, but that’s beside the point. Brasis said you wanted to be left alone. That you should be left alone. He said he’d hurt you too much and he didn’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“Big of him,” muttered Obis.
“He wanted you to leave Illios and you have. But why you left, that’s what’s killing him.”
“I left because of what he did.”
“He made a mistake. Believe me, I’ve been on the receiving end of some of Brasis’ mistakes. I know how ugly they can get.” Damn ugly. “But after what I’ve just told you, surely you can see what he was trying to do. Carrying a weight like that for thirty years, is it any wonder that his judgement is sometimes skewed?”
Obis snorted. “It doesn’t seem terribly reassuring that the fulfilment of a thousand years worth of prophecy rests in the hands of someone whose judgment is skewed.”
“Maybe not. But he’s all we have. And he needs our help.”
Obis rose to his feet. The moon, approaching three quarter full, sat behind him so Devin couldn’t see his face clearly.
“I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly forgiving person. Now, I’m not so sure. Right now, Brasis and his prophecies can go hang for all I care. Small minded of me, I know, to put my feelings first, but there you go. Any roads, he’ll get over it. He doesn’t love me, you know. He’s only fond of me.”
“I don’t believe Brasis would be hurting this badly if he didn’t love you, Obis. And believe me, I’ve never seen him hurt this bad.”
“And now you’re an expert on love. There really is no end to your talents, is there Devin? How’s Ana, by the way?”
“What?” Devin asked, confused by the turn the conversation seemed to be taking.
“You know, Ana. The one you devour with your superior eyesight every time she passes by.”
Devin got to his feet, wincing as his muscles protested. “What does Ana have to do with this conversation?” he asked stiffly.
“I thought we were talking about love, Devin. You love her, don’t you?”
“No.”
“Oops. Never lie to someone when you’re trying to convince them to do something for you, Devin. It makes all your other arguments appear specious.”
“I don’t love her.” Devin’s chest hurt. I can’t love her. He hadn’t told Obis everything.
As if mind reading had suddenly become a talent that Obis possessed, the other man said, “Is there more to this tale than you’ve told me so far Devin?” He sounded exhausted, as if all the anger he had been expressing moments ago had been drained from him.
“One or two things.”
“Then let’s forget all this talk of love. Finish your faery tale, Dev.” Obis began to walk away, but not towards the house. He looked at Devin over his shoulder. “Are you cold?”
Devin nodded. “Freezing.”
“Then come with me. I’ll show you one of the hidden secrets of Beldon.
As Devin came up along side him, Obis said quietly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken my...my anger out on you. I’m not used to being angry. I don’t know how to handle it.”
“I can give you some pointers,” said Devin.
“Ah, and now you’re angry with me. I shouldn’t have said that about Ana. I really am sorry, Devin.”
“What makes you think I love her?”
Obis gave a weary laugh. “I’ve seen your face when you look at her, Dev. It’s the same face I see when I look in the mirror. Love’s a bitch.”
“You don’t think she knows, that she sees?” Devin said, embarrassed and horrified that he might be so transparent.
Obis hesitated. “Probably not. You have perfected a rather magnificent scowl for whenever Ana’s looking at you.”
“She thinks I’m mean.”
“It’s easy for people to get the wrong impression, isn’t it? Take me, for example. Most people think I’m Brasis’ whore boy. Oops, that’s right. I am. Forget that argument, Devin. It’s clearly flawed.”
“Now you’re being specious, Obis. Where are we going, by the way?”
They were clambering over a wooden fence. Obis halted on the far side and pointed towards a stand of trees.
“There.”
The dog loped across the field. Devin and Obis followed. Under the trees lay a small pool, steam gently rising from its surface. A faint, acrid smell lingered in the air. Obis knelt down and dipped his fingers in the water before rising and taking off his coat. He dropped it on the ground and began to undo his shirt.
“It’s a mineral spring,” he said. “The water’s always warm, even in the middle of winter.” He added his shirt to the pile and bent to remove his boots.
“What are you doing?”
He flashed an amused look at Devin from underneath his lashes. “I’m going for a swim of course. Are you going to join me?” Devin stared at him blankly. Obis laughed. “Don’t worry Dev. I’m only interested in your mind, not your body.” Shucking his breeches he walked into the water, sinking down until it reached his shoulders. He gave a sigh of pleasure. “Are you coming in?”
Devin shook his head.
“I’m not going to ravish you Devin,” Obis said in exasperation. “You can sit out there and freeze or...” He stopped abruptly, staring at Devin. “sh*t.” He cursed softly. “sh*t, Devin. I’m sorry. I didn’t realise...”
Devin found that he was shivering. “What didn’t you realise?” he said tautly.
“Your face is too easy to read my friend,” said Obis gently. “Is that what you saw? That night in the forest, it wasn’t the kuhjl that you saw, was it? And afterwards...”
The only sound Devin could hear was the rasp of his own breathing. He concentrated on the sound. In. Out. In. Out. And afterwards...Afterwards he had broken down and this man had been kind. He remembered the nonsense words Obis has whispered to him as he wept in his lap. He looked at Obis now. There was nothing but concern on his face.
“What did they mean? Those words you said to me that day. I didn’t understand them.”
“It was an old Keian lullaby. My nurse used to sing it to me when I was a child. I always found it soothing. I hoped you might too. It doesn’t really mean anything.”
“Sing it now.”
One pale eyebrow lifted. “Why?”
“Humour me. Maybe I need to be soothed.” Devin sat down on the grass.
“Maybe you do,” Obis agreed. He swam across the pool and sat on the far side, the water lapping about his chest. He cleared his throat. When he sang his voice was husky but surprisingly true.
“Little prince lay down your head
Upon this dream that is your bed
The sky shall cover you and keep you warm
The stars shall guard your sleep from harm
And in the morning when you rise
A shining chariot shall greet your eyes
The sun shall lead you home from night
Wrapped safe within its golden light.”
He cleared his throat again, self consciously. “It sounds better in Keian. Did you find it soothing?” he asked hopefully.
Devin found himself smiling, although for the life of him, he didn’t know why. Perhaps it was merely the thought of Obis Demariel sitting naked in a pool, singing him lullabies. “Oddly enough, yes. You have a good voice.”
“One of my many talents. We should go back to the house. You’re cold.”
“No. It’s alright. I’d like to try the water. If...”
“I shall close my eyes, like the gentleman I am,” said Obis.
He proceeded to do so, only opening them again when Devin stroked his way across the pool and sat to one side of him. The water was wonderful, the warmth soaking into his aching muscles. He leaned back on his arms so that the water lapped about his chin. “It’s good,” he sighed blissfully.
“One of my favourite things,” Obis agreed. “I’d forgotten just how good it was.”
For a time they sat there in silence, soaking up the warmth. The silence, strangely enough, was not uncomfortable. Devin felt himself drifting off.
“Don’t fall asleep Devin.”
He opened his eyes.
“Tell me the rest of this story, Dev.”
Devin turned his head and met Obis’ serious blue eyes. “The rest of the story? It’s mostly my story, I suppose.”
“Then tell me your story, Dev. If you want to, that is.”
And that was the strangest thing about this night, Devin thought. That he wanted to. And he did...
