Right now I'm just going to post the first 3 section of the story that I am working on. If you care to read more then please pm me. I have some manga style sketches of the characters that I will put up when I get a digital camera. (If that's allowed here) Why manga? I don't know. For some reason I want the reader to view the characters as such when reading. If the first few sections don't make sense, well, they shouldn't. Everything is explained in the fourth section but I'm still editing that at this point.
Any form of critique would be greatly appreciated.
It was a cold September morning in Shensi, Japan. A light breeze scattered dead leaves across the cars in the parking lot of Kutone High School. A black BMW pulled past the gates and into an empty parking space in the 2nd year section of the lot. A few students walking to class noticed the car and murmured to each other as to whose it could be. The driver side door opened abruptly and a boy that none of the students recognized stepped out of the car and slowly made his way to the large, brick building. As he walked he observed the eyes of the other kids entering the school. Even though they were halfway across the parking lot he could see them perfectly and was able to hear their whispered conversations.
The bell for first period rang and the boy stood silently at the front of the class beside the gangly physics teacher, Mr. Ritsuko. The boy had unusually bright blue eyes that nearly matched the school uniform and messy, light brown hair, which incited some of the girls in the class to whisper to each other about how cute he was. The boys only scoffed and gave him a dirty look. "Class, we have a new student who will be joining us today." said Mr. Ritsuko with an obviously false tone of enthusiasm.
"His name is Adam Geiger and he has just transferred here from Jonas High School in Berlin. Adam, why don’t you tell the class about yourself?" Adam remained silent and slowly glanced over the room, making sure to look each student in the eye. He then replied with a smug, "No thanks" and made his way to the empty seat in the back of the class, ignoring the bewildered expressions on the other students’ faces.
As he took his seat he made a note to himself that at this moment the class contained only one. Mr. Ritsuko was obviously irritated with Adam’s rudeness but calmed himself and began his lecture. Adam looked across the classroom at the one student who had caught his attention. The boy had blonde, spiky hair and brown eyes. From what Adam could see there was not a single imperfection on his face or skin and he seemed unusually well built. However, to Adam, the most distinguishing characteristic about the boy was his large, white pupils, making his eyes white with a halo of brown.
Mr. Ritsuko cut his lecture short to give an announcement before the bell rang. "As I’m sure that most of you know, Kimiko’s coma has taken a turn for the worse. Now I know you 2nd years may not know her too well but the other classes are each sending a representative to visit her at the hospital and keep her foster mother company. Is there anyone from this class who would like to volunteer to pay her a visit after school?" Adam broke free from the sleep-inducing spell of the lecture as he noticed that the boy with the halo eyes had raised his hand to volunteer. "Thank you Kanji, I’m sure that Kimiko and her foster mother will both appreciate your kindness. The bell ending first period rang, canceling out the sound of Adam slamming his head into his desk in frustration. He couldn’t risk making a scene near a government controlled facility like the hospital. He would have to wait until tomorrow to kill Kanji.
The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened, bringing Kanji to the seventh floor of Shensi Hospital. He stepped into an immaculately clean corridor and made his way to room 204. He only had to wait until the nurse’s head was turned for a split second to scribble his name and a much earlier time into the list and then dash past the check in counter. He had come late on purpose to avoid Kimiko’s foster mother and he couldn’t have any evidence linking him to what he was about to do. As he approached the door, a short, middle aged woman stepped out from the room. Kanji recognized her as Kimiko’s foster mother. She looked at Kanji and gave a quick smile. "Oh, you must be one of Kimiko’s friends from school."
"I’m afraid I need to be on my way home, but you can step in if you like and give her your prayers. The poor thing needs all the help she can get. Two months since the accident and she hasn’t shown any signs of coming out of it." Tears welled up in the woman’s eyes and she quickly made her way to the elevator.
Kanji opened the door and stepped into the room. Kimiko lay unconscious in a bed and was hooked up to several machines. Light streaming through the branches of the trees shined through the window and danced across her face, highlighting her thick bangs and the two large strands of hair that fell across her shoulders. Kanji remembered when he would pass her in the hallways at school, mesmerized by her long, brown-red hair and large, sad, blue eyes. It would be such a shame to let something so beautiful die. She was in such a bad state anyway that it would be foolish for him not to take the risk. Even though she was a year younger than Kanji, 15 years was a close but acceptable age for a successful transfer. Of course there was still the expected 90% failure rate, but at this point it really didn’t matter.
As Kanji put all his concentration into his hand, a bone-white scythe began to emerge from between his middle and pointer finger. The palm of his hand began to swell and then opened as the blade grew wider and longer. When it was finished it stood at about 7 inches long and 3 inches wide at the base. Kanji was impressed. It was about 1 inch bigger than the last time he had attempted a transfer. He walked over to Kimiko and pulled back the sheets. As he lifted up her hospital gown he thrust the scythe into her heart and held it there. He could see the black liquid flowing through the thin, raised tunnel running down the center of the scythe. It reminded him of a snake fang injecting its prey with venom. Only in this case, he had the cure. She hadn’t paid attention to Kanji before and was always too shy to talk to him. But now, now she would be in his debt. That is, if he were able to pull this off.
Kimiko’s body began to move and the machines went out of control with their frenzied beeps and alarms. Kanji didn’t have time to go out the way he came in and leapt through the window a split second before a doctor and a team of nurses came rushing into the room. Seven stories below, Kanji dusted himself off and removed a few pieces of glass from his hand. He then set off at a brisk pace and headed for cover to avoid the attention of the bewildered nurse gazing out the shattered frame.
Satisfied with the successful transfer, Kanji made his way home. His only regret that he had to ruin such a perfect breast. However, this didn’t bother him too much for he knew that it would heal in a few hours. Unfortunately though, Kimiko’s foster mother would testify that Kanji was the last one in the room if the hospital questioned her. Signing his name at an earlier time wouldn’t count for anything now. At this revelation, Kanji turned the corner and made a quick detour to her house.
Adam noted to himself that rooftops in the fall did not provide merciful shelter. With bloodshot eyes he continued his vigilant watch of the apartment building across the street where the school directory said Kanji was supposed to live. He had kept himself up all of Saturday night waiting for Kanji to walk down the alley but he hadn’t come home. Fed up, Adam leapt from the roof of the manga café to the street, three stories below.
"Come back here Kimiko! You don’t understand, I had to do it, she wouldn’t have lived through the transfer anyway!" screamed Kanji as he chased Kimiko down an alleyway.
"No! Get away from me! Why did you kill her?!" Kimiko wailed as she stumbled through overturned crates and trash barrels. Kanji leapt onto the alley wall and dashed across the side of the building, bringing himself in front of Kimiko. As he swung out his arm his scythe cut through her jeans and deep into her leg, causing her to cry out in pain as she stumbled forward. Kanji roughly grabbed her by the front of her sweater and lifted her off the ground, bringing her face to face with him. "I guess it was a failure after all. The evolution trigger doesn’t seem to have affected your mind." Kanji began to tremble as he realized what must have happened during the transfer. Wide-eyed with terror and pain, Kimiko began crying and screaming for help.
As Adam was walking to the spot where he had parked his car he heard someone screaming and turned the corner into another alley. His eyes widened as he took in the wonderful scene in front of him. Alas, there was Kanji, and strangling a helpless, unusually cute girl too. There’s that *******. Adam thought to himself. And a cute girl in distress! This is classic! Now I can kill Kanji without having anything weigh on my conscience and save that hot girl at the same time!
Kanji dropped Kimiko to the ground as he felt the cold metal against the side of his head. He turned one of his eyes to see the new kid from school holding a ridiculously large handgun. The words Angel Hammer were engraved on one side of the gun and fused to the handle was what looked like a broken off bone-scythe. Kanji leapt to avoid the blast but it was too late. He had taken too much time to admire the gun. The enormous round missed his head but collided with his shoulder, ripping his arm clean off his body. Black blood began spraying from the enormous wound and with a huge grin, Adam kicked Kanji into the wall of the alley, shattering the brick upon impact.
Adam grabbed the girl and leapt to the landing of a fire escape and then onto the roof of a building. He calmly dropped the terrified girl down and looked over the side of the roof to make sure Kanji hadn’t recuperated yet. "Just stay here, you’ll be fine." Adam noticed the deep wound on the girl’s leg and placed his hand on her heart to make sure she hadn’t been infected. His action was received with a hard slap to the face. Much harder than he had expected. Rubbing his cheek, Adam stared at her and then his eyes grew wide with terror as one of her contacts fell out, plainly revealing the blue halo in her eyes.
"What the hell? I thought you bastards were above hiding yourselves and setting traps!" He pointed the gun to her head just as Kanji leapt to the rooftop, squatting on the ledge like a broken gargoyle.
"Yes, you might as well kill her, she is a defect. I suppose the coma stopped the evolution trigger from fully affecting her mind."
Adam looked back at the girl and put two and two together. "You mean this is the girl you visited in the hospital? How stupid are you Kanji? Attempting something like that in a hospital, you put your whole ****** up species at risk. Worldwide public panic wouldn’t be good for either of us. And attempting a transfer to someone in a coma, you should have known better."
"Don’t mock me Angel Killer. You still have a fight to finish. And I am thoroughly pissed now. Do you know how much hell I’ll have to go through to re-grow that limb?"
"Don’t worry about it, I’ll put you out of your misery then!" Adam cried as he turned the gun to the blade side and thrust it at Kanji. Kanji dodged it and flung the weapon to the ground beside Kimiko. Kanji then charged toward the gun and Kimiko but was stopped short by an extremely sharp knife, which had just lodged itself into his neck. Adam then grabbed a disk from his coat and quickly loaded 4 blades into it, making one very large shuriken. With his scythe extended, Kanji leapt toward Adam at the same time that Adam hurled the disk. As Kanji fell forward, Adam thrust his right hand against Kanji’s head and the left against his body, forcefully flinging the two apart. The shuriken had hit its mark. The fight was over.
Any form of critique would be greatly appreciated.
Darwin’s Reapers
Chapter 1: The Eyes Have It
It was a cold September morning in Shensi, Japan. A light breeze scattered dead leaves across the cars in the parking lot of Kutone High School. A black BMW pulled past the gates and into an empty parking space in the 2nd year section of the lot. A few students walking to class noticed the car and murmured to each other as to whose it could be. The driver side door opened abruptly and a boy that none of the students recognized stepped out of the car and slowly made his way to the large, brick building. As he walked he observed the eyes of the other kids entering the school. Even though they were halfway across the parking lot he could see them perfectly and was able to hear their whispered conversations.
The bell for first period rang and the boy stood silently at the front of the class beside the gangly physics teacher, Mr. Ritsuko. The boy had unusually bright blue eyes that nearly matched the school uniform and messy, light brown hair, which incited some of the girls in the class to whisper to each other about how cute he was. The boys only scoffed and gave him a dirty look. "Class, we have a new student who will be joining us today." said Mr. Ritsuko with an obviously false tone of enthusiasm.
"His name is Adam Geiger and he has just transferred here from Jonas High School in Berlin. Adam, why don’t you tell the class about yourself?" Adam remained silent and slowly glanced over the room, making sure to look each student in the eye. He then replied with a smug, "No thanks" and made his way to the empty seat in the back of the class, ignoring the bewildered expressions on the other students’ faces.
As he took his seat he made a note to himself that at this moment the class contained only one. Mr. Ritsuko was obviously irritated with Adam’s rudeness but calmed himself and began his lecture. Adam looked across the classroom at the one student who had caught his attention. The boy had blonde, spiky hair and brown eyes. From what Adam could see there was not a single imperfection on his face or skin and he seemed unusually well built. However, to Adam, the most distinguishing characteristic about the boy was his large, white pupils, making his eyes white with a halo of brown.
Mr. Ritsuko cut his lecture short to give an announcement before the bell rang. "As I’m sure that most of you know, Kimiko’s coma has taken a turn for the worse. Now I know you 2nd years may not know her too well but the other classes are each sending a representative to visit her at the hospital and keep her foster mother company. Is there anyone from this class who would like to volunteer to pay her a visit after school?" Adam broke free from the sleep-inducing spell of the lecture as he noticed that the boy with the halo eyes had raised his hand to volunteer. "Thank you Kanji, I’m sure that Kimiko and her foster mother will both appreciate your kindness. The bell ending first period rang, canceling out the sound of Adam slamming his head into his desk in frustration. He couldn’t risk making a scene near a government controlled facility like the hospital. He would have to wait until tomorrow to kill Kanji.
Chapter 1.2: Successful Transfer
"I’m afraid I need to be on my way home, but you can step in if you like and give her your prayers. The poor thing needs all the help she can get. Two months since the accident and she hasn’t shown any signs of coming out of it." Tears welled up in the woman’s eyes and she quickly made her way to the elevator.
Kanji opened the door and stepped into the room. Kimiko lay unconscious in a bed and was hooked up to several machines. Light streaming through the branches of the trees shined through the window and danced across her face, highlighting her thick bangs and the two large strands of hair that fell across her shoulders. Kanji remembered when he would pass her in the hallways at school, mesmerized by her long, brown-red hair and large, sad, blue eyes. It would be such a shame to let something so beautiful die. She was in such a bad state anyway that it would be foolish for him not to take the risk. Even though she was a year younger than Kanji, 15 years was a close but acceptable age for a successful transfer. Of course there was still the expected 90% failure rate, but at this point it really didn’t matter.
As Kanji put all his concentration into his hand, a bone-white scythe began to emerge from between his middle and pointer finger. The palm of his hand began to swell and then opened as the blade grew wider and longer. When it was finished it stood at about 7 inches long and 3 inches wide at the base. Kanji was impressed. It was about 1 inch bigger than the last time he had attempted a transfer. He walked over to Kimiko and pulled back the sheets. As he lifted up her hospital gown he thrust the scythe into her heart and held it there. He could see the black liquid flowing through the thin, raised tunnel running down the center of the scythe. It reminded him of a snake fang injecting its prey with venom. Only in this case, he had the cure. She hadn’t paid attention to Kanji before and was always too shy to talk to him. But now, now she would be in his debt. That is, if he were able to pull this off.
Kimiko’s body began to move and the machines went out of control with their frenzied beeps and alarms. Kanji didn’t have time to go out the way he came in and leapt through the window a split second before a doctor and a team of nurses came rushing into the room. Seven stories below, Kanji dusted himself off and removed a few pieces of glass from his hand. He then set off at a brisk pace and headed for cover to avoid the attention of the bewildered nurse gazing out the shattered frame.
Satisfied with the successful transfer, Kanji made his way home. His only regret that he had to ruin such a perfect breast. However, this didn’t bother him too much for he knew that it would heal in a few hours. Unfortunately though, Kimiko’s foster mother would testify that Kanji was the last one in the room if the hospital questioned her. Signing his name at an earlier time wouldn’t count for anything now. At this revelation, Kanji turned the corner and made a quick detour to her house.
Chapter 1.3: Cute Girl in Distress
"Come back here Kimiko! You don’t understand, I had to do it, she wouldn’t have lived through the transfer anyway!" screamed Kanji as he chased Kimiko down an alleyway.
"No! Get away from me! Why did you kill her?!" Kimiko wailed as she stumbled through overturned crates and trash barrels. Kanji leapt onto the alley wall and dashed across the side of the building, bringing himself in front of Kimiko. As he swung out his arm his scythe cut through her jeans and deep into her leg, causing her to cry out in pain as she stumbled forward. Kanji roughly grabbed her by the front of her sweater and lifted her off the ground, bringing her face to face with him. "I guess it was a failure after all. The evolution trigger doesn’t seem to have affected your mind." Kanji began to tremble as he realized what must have happened during the transfer. Wide-eyed with terror and pain, Kimiko began crying and screaming for help.
As Adam was walking to the spot where he had parked his car he heard someone screaming and turned the corner into another alley. His eyes widened as he took in the wonderful scene in front of him. Alas, there was Kanji, and strangling a helpless, unusually cute girl too. There’s that *******. Adam thought to himself. And a cute girl in distress! This is classic! Now I can kill Kanji without having anything weigh on my conscience and save that hot girl at the same time!
Kanji dropped Kimiko to the ground as he felt the cold metal against the side of his head. He turned one of his eyes to see the new kid from school holding a ridiculously large handgun. The words Angel Hammer were engraved on one side of the gun and fused to the handle was what looked like a broken off bone-scythe. Kanji leapt to avoid the blast but it was too late. He had taken too much time to admire the gun. The enormous round missed his head but collided with his shoulder, ripping his arm clean off his body. Black blood began spraying from the enormous wound and with a huge grin, Adam kicked Kanji into the wall of the alley, shattering the brick upon impact.
Adam grabbed the girl and leapt to the landing of a fire escape and then onto the roof of a building. He calmly dropped the terrified girl down and looked over the side of the roof to make sure Kanji hadn’t recuperated yet. "Just stay here, you’ll be fine." Adam noticed the deep wound on the girl’s leg and placed his hand on her heart to make sure she hadn’t been infected. His action was received with a hard slap to the face. Much harder than he had expected. Rubbing his cheek, Adam stared at her and then his eyes grew wide with terror as one of her contacts fell out, plainly revealing the blue halo in her eyes.
"What the hell? I thought you bastards were above hiding yourselves and setting traps!" He pointed the gun to her head just as Kanji leapt to the rooftop, squatting on the ledge like a broken gargoyle.
"Yes, you might as well kill her, she is a defect. I suppose the coma stopped the evolution trigger from fully affecting her mind."
Adam looked back at the girl and put two and two together. "You mean this is the girl you visited in the hospital? How stupid are you Kanji? Attempting something like that in a hospital, you put your whole ****** up species at risk. Worldwide public panic wouldn’t be good for either of us. And attempting a transfer to someone in a coma, you should have known better."
"Don’t mock me Angel Killer. You still have a fight to finish. And I am thoroughly pissed now. Do you know how much hell I’ll have to go through to re-grow that limb?"
"Don’t worry about it, I’ll put you out of your misery then!" Adam cried as he turned the gun to the blade side and thrust it at Kanji. Kanji dodged it and flung the weapon to the ground beside Kimiko. Kanji then charged toward the gun and Kimiko but was stopped short by an extremely sharp knife, which had just lodged itself into his neck. Adam then grabbed a disk from his coat and quickly loaded 4 blades into it, making one very large shuriken. With his scythe extended, Kanji leapt toward Adam at the same time that Adam hurled the disk. As Kanji fell forward, Adam thrust his right hand against Kanji’s head and the left against his body, forcefully flinging the two apart. The shuriken had hit its mark. The fight was over.
