***vile Content Beware***

[Lacedaemonian]

I do not intend to offend. If you dislike violence, rape, disgusting use of adjectives then please, please do not read on. This time tomorrow it will probably be swimming with the spam in the sin bin.

I probably should not post this but really would like some feed back..... (Sorry Brian in advance)

My central character is a constable of the law, and due to some fraudulent claims, he is sentenced to imprisonment in this really grim gaol. This sentence is effectively death, as he put a considerable number of the inmates behind bars. Not essential to the tale, more essential to the central character. It is a rough draft, and here it is:


The table leg snapped from the shoddily inmate crafted furnishing, the shiv raked down his back across his ribs grating against his spinal column. The lump of lead on a piece of elm, apparently a hammer, stove his head in, the now free table leg snapped his cheek bone with one thwack! Then the nervous inmates clamoured to place an unpolished leather boot to face – just so they could later claim to have done so.

All the while he rejoiced in the pain. Nothing of him called out to self preserve. Nothing of him called out to kill these men. He was languid, slowly slipped, rejoiced at this chance to end it all. And then it stopped, just noise and spittle. Something warm washed over him and he thought it was deaths relief. Laughter and mocking – they had pissed all over him. And then a voice sickly queer, rose, leapt above the piss talk and spoke words that cut the soul from him..

“You might as well know it constable. I was the first and last to **** your elf wench, might be she was already dead before I spilled my seed up her tiny arse!” Laughter. “Aye she called your name a hundred times, but you never came did you? Her knight in shining armour…” Two fingers punched through his nostril and ripped the nose from his face, a thumb jabbed an eye from its sunken socket, teeth tore into his groin and ripped at thigh, cock and balls. He tried to push the ******* away but his arm was snapped from the elbow, and then his head was tore left to right to left to right and snapped and he was dead, and a naked bloodied Danae screaming animal like, cock and balls splattering from his mouth and in his right hand the head of Aln Morraine ripped clean from its torso. “Ahggllllrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!”



That night in Wodgen Gaol, the inmates begged the gaolers to lock them in their cells.

 

[dwndrgn]

Urgh.

 

[polymorphikos]

Interesting, although confusing. There's a dwindling of coherency towards the end which appears deliberate but blurrs what is happening to who. I'll just assume it all happened to the one. When you say Danae, is this a mythological reference or a character or what. The whole ambiguity thing again. You'll have to tell me exactly what you wanted to get across in the latter paragraphs.

Also, the constant repetition of unpleasant things happening to someone, although it has a sort of orgiastic, bestial quality, smudges the effectiveness slightly.

I'm sorry if that was no help. Just trying. Looks interesting, anyway. I'm assuming this world has no protection wards

 

[Brian G Turner]

Sometimes the prose tries to move towards being poetic or lyricism, but I'm not sure it works in this instance.

For example: " The lump of lead on a piece of elm, apparently a hammer," is confusing, because somehow we know enough detail that the wood is made of elm, yet we don't even know it's a hammer.

You keep moving your Point of View perspective, though, as well, which is additionally confusing - the warden has his "head stove in", yet is aware enough to know that the prisoners are putting the boot in just to say they had - and also is quite plainly aware of them peeing on him.

There's an overall confusion of what perspective the reader is supposed to have - it keeps jumping form the wardens Point of View to an objective one, which isn't advised.

I agree with Polymorphikos that the writing seems unnecessarily orgiastic towards the end - the last few sentences seem like words for words' sake, rather than actually part of a process of process of storytelling.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

It is a bit all over the place. You can still remain conscious with your head stoved in. The POV is the real problem. The last paragraph is the constable (Danae) ripping the vocal man (Aln Morraine) to pieces.

What you have to understand is, I had five retards trying to converse with me whilst writing this. It shows.

Thanks for taking time to read the crap though.

 

[littlemissattitude]

Maybe I'm just crazy, but I didn't have that much problem with Point of View. Just me, probably. And, as unpleasant as this is, it certainly isn't unprecendented and such subject matter is far from unpublishable. Reminds me a bit of some of Clive Barker's more explicit work and a little bit of a Piers Anthony story (available in "Anthonology") called "On the Uses of Torture" - not so much in approach as in explicitness of violence.

I would be interested in the context of this bit, though. It really is on the border of what I feel comfortable reading, but in context I might be able to see more of a need for such explicitness.

EDIT: Oops...I should have read the introduction more carefully, as there is some context there. I think I can see your reasoning for the need for the explicit nature of the scene. Still not sure if I'm completely comfortable with it, but I don't think it's completely gratuitous, either.

 

[jenna]

Reminds me a bit of some of Clive Barker's more explicit work and a little bit of a Piers Anthony story (available in "Anthonology") called "On the Uses of Torture" - not so much in approach as in explicitness of violence.

wooo On the Uses of Torture is such a good story! anyhow, i was reading stuff like that when i was 11, so i'm pretty much completely desensitised to literary violence now.

Lacedaemonian, i agree with what the others have said about the last paragraph. i was with you until that part, then it all went a bit pear shaped! i did work out what was happening, but i had to read it again a couple of times. although you did say it was just a rough draft, so i won't be too hard on you! i thought overall it was interesting. is it meant to be a part of a bigger story, or was it just a flash of inspiration?

 

[Brian G Turner]

Good pointer - I actually became a little confused on who the POV character was in the last few sentences. I actually thought it was the constable bering ripped apart, which was confusing. My bad - sorry about that.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

The constable (Danae) has had a hellish life, his childhood sweetheart (an elf - very taboo) was killed because of his affair with her. This was at the command of her father, an elf of some noble esteem. Danae later found out that she was raped and killed by some hired deviants. The deviant just announced himself in this passage as having being involved in her brutal killing. Danae knows the name of her killer but has know idea who the killer is/was. The constable claws his way back from the edge of death and rips him to pieces, and later goes on a rampage. This is a sub plot to a wider story. She may not actually be dead. Time will tell.

 

[erickad71]

This is part of some other things you have posted, right? I would really enjoy seeing where you have everything going.

I will agree with everyone else on the last paragraph though, it gets a little muddied.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

Another beautiful Avatar Ericka.

 

[erickad71]

Thank you

 

[Lacedaemonian]

You just keep finding them. Stunning!

All of my posts tie together as one larger story. They are in no order and there styles vary considerably. This is because I usually think up a hundred or so threads/plots and usually scrawl down the ones that excite me most. I am also experimenting with style. The issue with the POV is entirely my fault. I try too hard to give a cinematic action quality to my fight scenes. This might sound easy, but I find it quite difficult. You have to throw the adjectives in with the verbs and keep the action moving fast paced otherwise it loses any essence of action. I have been struggling lately with organising POV, hopefully my brain will remedy this soon.

The level of violence has been cut down for this post. Danae kills a considerable number of the inmates after this scene. Perhaps if you could read my mind then you would understand Danae's loss of sanity.....

 

[erickad71]

I try too hard to give a cinematic action quality to my fight scenes. This might sound easy, but I find it quite difficult.

It doesn't sound easy to me...but then I'm not a writer.

Btw, my green lady will most likely show up again in the spring.

 

[captaintripps]

I like it. Luckily I'm not easily offended - darn near impossible! - and, apart from a couple of issues that have already been pointed outwhere things get a little confusing, I thought it was pretty vivid stuff. Stylistically, it reminded me ever so slightly of Tim Willocks, but not in a derivative way. I'd really like to see more so, if you don't mind, PM me if and when you post an update.
Cheers.

 

[Lacedaemonian]

There is an update, although a downdate would be more appropriate, entitled "The begining..." already posted. Also, all of my posts int the critique section are part of the same story. Styles vary with each, but that is purely because I am still searching for my style(s). Thanks for reading my work mate.

 

[captaintripps]

No probs Lacey, in fact my pleasure. I'll chase down the other posts you mention asap. Tara.