Opening Chapter to a Novel

[The Bloated One]

Some time ago, I wrote this opening to a vampyre novel.

Would it interest you enough to read more? Is it punchy, and grammatically sound (ish)? I would be interested to learn your thoughts.

TBO

-----------​

Somewhere in the Carpathian Mountains, 1472​

Steaming breath burst inside the ice-cold room as accusations, threats, and insults flew about. Amidst the mayhem, a hooded figure sat quietly on a golden throne listening. Only his podgy, ring encrusted fingers visible under his purple raiment. Finally, he stood up.

”Quiet!” His voice boomed across the hall, with a loudness and authority that belied his small, crooked body. The noise abated. “Listen to me. You have no option. Do as I say, or die.” He smiled at his Cardinals gathered about his throne before stretching out a finger and snarling at the Count and his camarilla. ”We will annihilate you, and your race. Agree to what we ask, or face extinction.”

Ashen-faced, and with his knuckles white with anger the Count glared from across the oak table. Unmoved, the hunched figure lowered his hand, scratched his pointed chin and cleared his throat.

“We have coexisted for hundred’s of years, but the Church will not allow the carnage to continue. You and your cohorts must destroy him, and all his offspring. You have seven days.” His piggy eyes scuttled from face to face, watching the Count and his entourage seethe and churn.

After a period of silence, the Count unfurled his woollen cloak and wearily got to his feet, exhausted by the hours locked in fruitless recriminations. He looked forlornly at his colleagues before taking an ornate stiletto from his belt, slicing the palm of his hand, and slamming it onto the table.

”I give you my blood, my word, we will do as you ask.”

The piggy eyes bulged. ”Good,” rasped the hooded figure, ”It’s settled.” He snorted loudly and bowed toward the Count. The gathering rose from the table and like a murder of angry crows dissatisfied with their meagre carrion, they lingered, waiting for their leader. The Count bowed deferentially, but his bloodshot eyes burned with hate. A sardonic smile broke across the hunched figure’s face before he shuffled stiffly from the room, followed by his Cardinals.

TBO

 

[Ursa major]

I'm no line editor, and others will have their views on the text, but I wondered about your title.

The Carpathian Mountains loop round from near Vienna to the Iron Gate (on the Danube between Walachia (southern Romania) and Serbia. It borders, or lies in eight countries*, speaking different languages from four language groups (Slavic, Germanic, Romance and Finno-Ugric) all with different cultures.

Do you really want to be this vague? If so, fine, but if you want to focus the reader's attention on one of those areas/cultures, you will need a more specific title. As it was, I wasn't sure whether you're implying (but won't spell out for reasons of your own) that the action is taking place in Transylvania**, or whether you have another location in mind.

Sorry, but I feel a bit picky tonight.

* Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, Romania, Serbia, Poland, the Ukraine, Austria

** If you do mean here, you could use one of this region's other names: e.g. Siebenbürgen (German), Ardeal (Romanian), Erdély (Magyar), whichever is appropriate to the story.

 

[ysabara]

Hi TBO ~ this is certainly different from you know what.

I've sent you a crit via email which you may ignore at your peril.

This little snippet did enough to get me interested, even though it is a little snippet ~ I'd like to see more.

Y

 

[Zhang]

The imagery of these vampires arguing in this freezing meeting room is interesting. I like how the decrepit "piggy eyes" takes control of the situation. But I'm confused about what they are arguing about and I am not sure I want to know more about it. It's a rather vague intro and I'm not sure it's strong enough to launch a chapter, let alone an entire novel.

 

[M3m0ria]

Sadly i felt a little let down by this exert. Not along the fact that the writing failed to interest me, but more along the lines of the sadness felt when i realized i had reached the end. The writing is excellent and grabbed my attention from the very beginning. I am greatly looking forward to more...

M3m0ria

 

[Giovanna Clairval]

Hi, Shaganat,

Just a tiny incipit? My hollow canines are hungry now, and my gentle sword trembles, keen on more slashing.

It’s difficult for us beta-readers to judge by such a thing as a very short passage, innit? Well, I did like it, but, as others said, ‘More! More!’

There is hesitation in punctuation. Punctuation is beautiful and sanitary, you know that.

On the stylistic side, you tend to use the “before + ing” formula too much. It’s not immediate enough, with all its literariness (ehm…) and everything. I would use it sparingly. In this excerpt, I’d even take it away completely. I? What am I saying? Not I… It is just Rubescant (my kind sword), who loves chopping out these before-beasties (and not always, let me say in her defence).

In addition, there's a bit too much wealth of ing-things tout-court. Rubescant seems to remember having (ing here!) slashed another few of those in the past. She has no memory, though. She’s just another bloodthirsty blade.

Humble suggestions below and a clear text just above it, for you to read with smoothness, and in joy.

Here’s the thing.

-----------​

Somewhere in the Carpathian Mountains, 1472​

Steaming breath burst inside the ice-cold room as accusations, threats, and insults flew about. Amidst the mayhem, a hooded figure sat quietly on a golden throne, listening, only his podgy, ring-encrusted fingers visible under his purple raiment. Finally, thehooded man stood up.

”Quiet!” His voice boomed across the hall with a loudness and authority that belied his small, crooked body. The noise abated. “Listen to me. Do as I say or die.” He smiled at his Cardinals gathered about his throne, stretched out a finger and snarled at the Count and his camarilla. ”We will annihilate you, you and your race. Agree to what we ask, or face extinction.”

Ashen-faced, and with his knuckles white with anger, the Count glared from across the oak table.
Unmoved, the hunched, hooded figure lowered his hand, scratched his pointed chin and cleared his throat. “We have coexisted for hundred’s of years, but the Church will not allow the carnage to continue. You and your cohorts must destroy him and all his offspring. You have seven days.” His piggy eyes scuttled from face to face, watching the Count and his entourage seethe and churn.

After a short silence, the Count unfurled his woollen cloak and wearily got to his feet. Exhausted by the hours locked in fruitless recriminations, he looked forlornly at his colleagues, took] an ornate stiletto from his belt, and sliced the palm of his hand. With a noise that made the cardinals jump, he then slammed his bloodied palm onto the table.

”I give you my blood and my word. We will do as you ask.”

The piggy eyes bulged. “Good,” rasped the hooded figure, ”It’s settled then.” He snorted loudly and bowed toward the Count.
The gathering rose from the table and, like a murder of angry crows dissatisfied with their meagre carrion, they lingered, waiting for their leader. The Count bowed deferentially, but his bloodshot eyes burned with hate.
A sardonic smile broke across the hunched figure’s face. Followed by his Cardinals, he stiffly shuffled from the room.

Somewhere in the Carpathian Mountains, 1472​

Steaming breath burst inside the ice-cold room as accusations, threats, and insults flew about. Amidst the mayhem, a hooded figure sat quietly on a golden throne[,] listening(.)[,] Oonly his podgy, ring[-]encrusted fingers visible under his purple raiment. Finally, he the hooded man stood up.

”Quiet!” His voice boomed across the hall(,) with a loudness and authority that belied his small, crooked body. The noise abated. “Listen to me. (You have no option.) Do as I say(,) or die.” He smiled at his Cardinals gathered about his throne[,] (before) [not strong and immediate enough] stretchinged out a fingerand snarlinged at the Count and his camarilla. ”We will annihilate you, [you] [italics and repetition, for emphasis] and your race. Agree to what we ask, or face extinction.”

Ashen-faced, and with his knuckles white with anger[,] the Count glared from across the oak table. New para
Unmoved, the hunched[,] hooded (figure) man lowered his hand, scratched his pointed chin and cleared his throat. Same para “We have coexisted for hundred’s of years, but the Church will not allow the carnage to continue. You and your cohorts must destroy him(,) and all his offspring. You have seven days.” His piggy eyes scuttled from face to face, watching the Count and his entourage seethe and churn.

After a (period of) short silence, the Count unfurled his woollen cloak and wearily got to his feet(,)[.] eExhausted by the hours locked in fruitless recriminations(.)|,] Hhe looked forlornly at his colleagues before[not strong enough] [,]( taking) [took] an ornate stiletto from his belt, [and sliced] (slicing) the palm of his hand(,) [.] With a noise that made the cardinals jump, and he slammed (slamming it)his bloodied palm onto the table.

”I give you my blood(,) and my word(,)[.] wWe will do as you ask.”

The piggy eyes bulged. ”Good,” rasped the hooded figure, ”It’s settled then.” He snorted loudly and bowed toward the Count. New para.
The gathering rose from the table and[,] like a murder of angry crows dissatisfied with their meagre carrion, they lingered, waiting for their leader.The Count bowed deferentially, but his bloodshot eyes burned with hate. New para
A sardonic smile broke across the hunched figure’s face before [again?]Followed by his Cardinals, he stiffly shuffled stiffly from the room, followed by his Cardinals.

TBO

 

[Jarshen]

There is an interesting mystery presented, but Giovanna's sword has worked its magic. Makes it clearer for me, I was a bit confused sometimes with the count, and the he as to who it was.

 

[The Bloated One]

Ursa Major - spot on, Transylvania it is. I like the idea of being a little clearer, so I'll add Walachia.

Zang - Thanks, Giovanna's editing has helped enormously, but it is meant to be vague (not the writing) - a short teaser for the reader to remember later.

Memoria - I am sad that you are sad, but due to the nature of the writing I am loathe to post more.

Giovanna Clairval - You little french strumpet you! What would I ever do without you? Great ideas, much appreciated.

Jarshen- Totally agree (blows kisses at Giovanna)

Ysabara - Many thanks, I've PM'ed yer

TBO

 

[Giovanna Clairval]

I'm not from outer space... er.... France. I only live in France.

I am an Italian in Paris, you purpish Shaganat.

 

[thecraftteens]

Sadly i felt a little let down by this exert. Not along the fact that the writing failed to interest me, but more along the lines of the sadness felt when i realized i had reached the end. The writing is excellent and grabbed my attention from the very beginning. I am greatly looking forward to more...

M3m0ria

I love this excerpt too. I think it is an interesting way to start a novel. The excerpt made me want to read more. I normally don't like vampires and vampire-related stories, but for this, I would make an exception. And this is coming from a teenager, so if that's who your trying to market to, you got a sale already.