Greetings all. I'm a newbie to the forums, and I must say its a relief to find some place I can get feedback on my work. Lately I've been working on composing a Novella. This is my first time into the realm of seriously writing anything longer than a short story. This snippet revolves around the piece I've been working on, which is directed at a target audience (People who love horror, science fiction - Zombies as well). I have to say, I'm not sure if I'm writing this to get published yet. I'm actually intimidated by the idea and to be quite honest, I'm not sure what I should be improving on in my writing. So I'll post the first chapter of the book.
Mainly, I'm looking to identify my strengths and weaknesses, and if the overall quality of the (displayed) story is on a serious level.
PS: I expect there to be more than a few punctuation errors and maybe a few typo's. But I'm more or less looking at the clarity and quality of the writing, not so much the mechanics of how it's composed.
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"Drifters"
The sandy wind blew in through the Humvee window against Dran's face as they made their way down the long winding road, often roving through segments of sand where the road has been overtaken by the elements due to its poor condition. He looked down, the blue light from his PDA casting a ethereal tint across his large dark glasses.
"So how far out are we?..." Dran ran his gloved hand through his dark hair, casually going over the information on the PDA.
"I don't know man, this road is a piece of ****... At this rate it could be another two hours or more..."
"Figures... At least its easy going, things could be a lot worse..."
Dran tilted his head to the side a bit, looking out the window focusing his vision on a rotting corpse laying next to a road sign that read "Brooksburgh 20 Miles". He raised the PDA and pulled the digital pen off the side, interacting with the glowing blue screen. He raised it to his face as the ambient tone of a radio hissed into the humvee cab. He spoke into it.
"This is Colonel Dran Norvash heading westbound towards Brooksburgh. Requesting radio support for a mission briefing. We are in bound and estimate to be at the target within two hours. Over."
He lowered the PDA and rested his head back on the seat. There was silence for a time, except for the drone of the Humvee engine and the sound of wind gusting in through the open windows.
"Look on the bright side, at least its a nice night, eh?" Logan looked away from the road for a moment and grinned a little at Dran.
Dran stifled a fake laugh to lighten the mood of the moment. "Yeah... Tell me about it..."
Logan lowered his head a little and adjusted the steering alignment of the Humvee as they drove down the long derelict stretch of highway.
"Man this god damn sand is like meshed into the interior of this thing... We need to clean it or something, I'm starting to get the **** in my mouth every time I touch my face."
Dran shrugged. "What do you expect... Theres a lot of sand as of lately, there will be a lot of sand for a long time. Ever since the missile attacks, you can't honestly expect to see a lush green forest around here for the next few centuries."
Logan looked out the driver side window, gazing out across the barren desert landscape which was brilliantly illuminated by the full moon. He narrowed his eyes and murmured to himself "I wish I had a cheese burger..."
Slowly but surely the ruins of the greater Brooksrugh area crept into view through the darkness ahead of them. The Humvee roved down the decadent highway with relative ease, skipping and bouncing across the many cracks and crevices that littered the long highway. Dran raised his hand and braced himself by grabbing a handle on the ceiling above his head as the two men jolted about inside the cab.
"Jesus Christ, these roads are getting worse..."
Dran looked down, his large glasses tinting out any expression on his face. "Just focus on driving, this isn't open highway anymore. If you play around we could get surrounded. Try to keep from making too much noise... I shouldn't have to remind you of this ****..."
Logan simply nodded a bit, now much more intent on navigating further onwards towards the city limits...
The sight before them was ominous, yet somehow beautiful. The stars sparkled above them in the sky, and the moon loomed far overhead casting its welcome light down on this otherwise dark, windy evening. The aura of the moons glow put a blue tint to the clay colored sand dunes that littered the area. Many of the visible buildings of Brooksburgh are half consumed by the ever shifting desert waves. The world that Dran and Logan found themselves in was a radical alien landscape compared to what they knew so long ago...
The tranquility of the moment was short lived between the two of them as a loud squawk came from Dran's PDA. Dran looked down, his upper body jolting a bit as they hit a bump. His gaze remained focused on the PDA's neon blue screen as a static crackling continued to come in through the PDA's radio receiver. He eventually raised it once more to speak.
"This is Colonel Dran Norvash, I repeat - Colonel Dran Norvash with S.E.P.T.E.R Recon Squadron Seven. Traveling westbound towards Brooksburgh... Over."
He lowered the PDA and stared at it for awhile, waiting for a break in the drone of the radio silence. Logan looked over curiously as he drove, curious himself as to what was going on. Finally it came, a deep male voice came in over the radio.
"This is SEPTER HQ to Recon 7, do you copy? Over."
Dran raised the PDA casually, the slightest look of relief almost visible on his face. "We copy, Go ahead HQ, Over."
The radio squawked with disapproval, finally the loud noise broke and gave way to the same male voice. "Continue Westbound, Recon Seven. You are on the correct route. We lost contact with Recon Eleven in the same zone three weeks ago, be on high alert. Rhodian Mercenaries could have taken over the area. From here on out maintain radio silence until you have acquired the documents... Over."
Dran paused for a moment, then in a quick motion he responded over the radio on his PDA. "Copy that HQ, Over and out."
He lowered the PDA to his lap once more and looked to Logan. "How much ammo do we have?"
Logan chewed on his bottom lip as he drove along, he paused and then looked over. "Ehh... We have a few grenades... Tons of Nine-Mil rounds... A few shotgun shells, probably about twenty... A few mags for the C9 Assault Rifles... Not an incredible lot, but we'll be alright if we stay low and ration the stuff..."
Dran looked down and adjusted a high tech looking knife which was hanging from his black combat vest. "Alright... Maybe we can scavenge some gasoline and food while we're here, after we've gotten the documents, of course..."
Logan looked over to respond, he noticed Dran now staring off into the distance at the blown out buildings poking up out of the sand; his hair dancing in the wind as it came through the open window. He hesitated to respond, but spoke anyways.
"Yeah, sure... Lets just hope this will be an in and out thing. I'm really not feeling it tonight, I'd rather not get shot at, or get chewed on like a piece of beef jerky."
Dran shrugged. He spoke almost to himself, clearly zoned out of the conversation. "It is what it is. Can't really complain. We're both out here by choice. If you have a problem with it you can easily walk off duty. I can't stop you other than shooting you in the back of the head - But that's one more round I might need to kill a stiff."
Logan remained silent, focusing intently on driving once again. He slowed the Humvee down to a crawl and squinted to see through the darkness. He spied a rusty street sign poking up out of a small sand dune that read "WILLOW HAVEN RD". The green and white street sign seemed unusual in the sapphire moonlight. He let out a sigh of relief, realizing he had come close to missing it.
He turned the wheel and started heading south towards the mountains that rested at the bottom of what used to be the city of Brooksburgh. What was left of the city could only be considered a washed out shell in a forgotten land. There was nothing left here for any sane person to call their own...
He looked out the window and studied some of the buildings they were passing. The sight was intimidating, they lay silent with blown out windows, stains of blood and dirt covered them at street level. Many of the buildings were black from when great fires consumed them. He wondered if anyone was alive, he let himself slip away into his thoughts as they drove, distracted by the feelings of sorrow and fear that he always tried to bury deep within himself whenever he had to expose himself to the reality of this new world.
Dran looked up, realizing that now among the buildings it was noticeably darker than it was out on the open road. Many of the tall derelict buildings strangled the illuminating moon light out of the night sky, casting large shadows about the intricate network of roads. He scanned the buildings ahead of them and narrowed his eyes watching for movement.
"Take it easy up ahead here... Something isn't right, its too quiet."
Logan looked over, then back to the road. "Alright... Wanna hit the flood lights?"
"No... It'll just make us more visible to whatever hasn't already heard our engine running."
Logan nodded a bit, accelerating gently as they swerved past a wrecked car and headed into a long stretch of open road. "Looks like we're lucky tonight. We found a main road, pretty clear as well. Looks like we wont be pushing any **** cars off the road to clear a path for ourselves tonight."
Dran looked down to his PDA and spoke softly. "Don't get too excited, you'll jinx our luck..."
The light on Drans PDA slowly died as he tucked it away into a pouch. The absence of light within the cab cast the two of them into darkness as they drove along. The Humvee moved at a steady speed, Logan keeping the ride as close to comfortable as he could. Dran turned his head to glance out the window as they passed by an alley way which snaked off into some back streets. He watched a small group of shapes stagger about in the darkness. The shapes seemed close to human, but moved in a uncoordinated fashion. Soon they had gone forward enough that they were eventually obstructed from Dran's view. He turned his head and looked forward again, sighing a little bit to himself.
The Humvee eventually rounded a corner, turning on to a side road that wound off away from the large concentration of buildings and city streets. Logan accelerated and glanced up at the sky. It was reassuring to him that he could see the stars and moon again, now that they had escaped the dark stranglehold of the inner city.
"Almost there..." He spoke to no one in particular.
"Good... Keep the pace, we're making good time..." Dran looked down and began systematically checking his gear.
As they drove out into what used to be the Suburban area of Brooksburgh; Drans attention was strayed away from his meticulous checking of his equipment. He stared ahead of them at a derelict school, time seemed to slow down in the moment that they passed, at least for him. He looked at the flag pole, reminding himself that there would be no flag flying high in the sky from its heights. He looked into the windows, he studied how the innards of the building was consumed by a perpetual darkness, a hollowness that seemed as though it would never lift. Soon it passed them and he could see it no longer. He paused for what seemed like a long time, simply thinking; running over what he had just seen inside his head. Soon, he looked back down and was back to work, allowing himself to try and forget what he had just seen.
They pushed onwards, further into the night. The mood of the moment seemed to calace more and more between the two men as every passing second slipped away from them. Logan's driving became more aggressive, more intent upon reaching their destination. A click could be heard as Dran slid a magazine into his service pistol. He raised it in his fist till the barrel came level with his temple, pointing up towards the ceiling. Dran hung his head out of the window and squinted.
"Slow down, it's just up ahead..." He glanced over at Logan.
Logan decelerated the vehicle and came to a crawl, pulling forward in front of a large building. It was composed of a large central compound with many side buildings on the same campus. Slowly, he stopped the Humvee and pulled up the emergency break. He looked to Dran and nodded a bit.
Dran opened the passenger side door and hopped out, a thump could be heard as his service boots hit the pavement. He stretched a little and looked around, surveying the area. Soon after he walked around the back of the Humvee, pistol in hand. He pulled the trunk hatch open and began to rummage through their supplies.
Logan sat in the Humvee for a short time longer, focusing himself. He breathed deep and finally climbed down out of the driver seat. He stretched a little, walking a few feet away from the vehicle looking around. Something far off in the distance behind them caught his eye, it was the Brooksburgh skyline. He stared at the ghosts looming over the horizon, basked in the blue light of the moon. He gazed upon the rolling barrens that consumed the whole area around them, he began to take in some of the diminutive details of this place that he had previously overlooked. He felt a strange sense of serenity come over him, perhaps his senses had been betrayed. Or maybe it was his lack of experience that made him feel so comfortable, and of all times; why now? He felt the cool wind pass over his exposed skin, he could feel the grains of sand being carried with it, brushing across his course uniform. He looked around, wondering what had happened that things could have escalated to this point. Inside, he felt immense euphoria, but at the same time; a sorrow that he could not explain.
A loud gunshot interrupted Logan's moment of thought, he spun around frantically and lost his footing, falling on his back. A creature lay on the ground before him, its lower body having been ripped away leaving only a torso, head, arms and the entrails hanging out of the gaping wound. It's head had collapsed under the force of being shot. Logan scrambled backwards, breathing heavier than ever before. Dran stood a ways in front of him next to the Humvee, with his pistol still raised, fresh smoke billowing out of the barrel. His black tinted glasses strangling any emotion from his face as always. Logan paused and exhaled heavily, looking down at himself. The contents of the creatures skull had spattered across the backs of his legs as it was shot. He paused and only managed to stifle a few short words. "W...What the hell!?"
Dran lowered the pistol slowly. "Play time's over. Stop *Censor*ing around and pay attention."
Logan slowly began to crawl to his feet, visibly shaken by the experience. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Dran spun the pistol around, turning the handle grip to Logan. "Take this, lets get the magazines ready. We'll need them...
Logan nodded a bit. The two men turned and walked around the back of the vehicle, with intentions of preparing for a long night...
Mainly, I'm looking to identify my strengths and weaknesses, and if the overall quality of the (displayed) story is on a serious level.
PS: I expect there to be more than a few punctuation errors and maybe a few typo's. But I'm more or less looking at the clarity and quality of the writing, not so much the mechanics of how it's composed.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Drifters"
The sandy wind blew in through the Humvee window against Dran's face as they made their way down the long winding road, often roving through segments of sand where the road has been overtaken by the elements due to its poor condition. He looked down, the blue light from his PDA casting a ethereal tint across his large dark glasses.
"So how far out are we?..." Dran ran his gloved hand through his dark hair, casually going over the information on the PDA.
"I don't know man, this road is a piece of ****... At this rate it could be another two hours or more..."
"Figures... At least its easy going, things could be a lot worse..."
Dran tilted his head to the side a bit, looking out the window focusing his vision on a rotting corpse laying next to a road sign that read "Brooksburgh 20 Miles". He raised the PDA and pulled the digital pen off the side, interacting with the glowing blue screen. He raised it to his face as the ambient tone of a radio hissed into the humvee cab. He spoke into it.
"This is Colonel Dran Norvash heading westbound towards Brooksburgh. Requesting radio support for a mission briefing. We are in bound and estimate to be at the target within two hours. Over."
He lowered the PDA and rested his head back on the seat. There was silence for a time, except for the drone of the Humvee engine and the sound of wind gusting in through the open windows.
"Look on the bright side, at least its a nice night, eh?" Logan looked away from the road for a moment and grinned a little at Dran.
Dran stifled a fake laugh to lighten the mood of the moment. "Yeah... Tell me about it..."
Logan lowered his head a little and adjusted the steering alignment of the Humvee as they drove down the long derelict stretch of highway.
"Man this god damn sand is like meshed into the interior of this thing... We need to clean it or something, I'm starting to get the **** in my mouth every time I touch my face."
Dran shrugged. "What do you expect... Theres a lot of sand as of lately, there will be a lot of sand for a long time. Ever since the missile attacks, you can't honestly expect to see a lush green forest around here for the next few centuries."
Logan looked out the driver side window, gazing out across the barren desert landscape which was brilliantly illuminated by the full moon. He narrowed his eyes and murmured to himself "I wish I had a cheese burger..."
Slowly but surely the ruins of the greater Brooksrugh area crept into view through the darkness ahead of them. The Humvee roved down the decadent highway with relative ease, skipping and bouncing across the many cracks and crevices that littered the long highway. Dran raised his hand and braced himself by grabbing a handle on the ceiling above his head as the two men jolted about inside the cab.
"Jesus Christ, these roads are getting worse..."
Dran looked down, his large glasses tinting out any expression on his face. "Just focus on driving, this isn't open highway anymore. If you play around we could get surrounded. Try to keep from making too much noise... I shouldn't have to remind you of this ****..."
Logan simply nodded a bit, now much more intent on navigating further onwards towards the city limits...
The sight before them was ominous, yet somehow beautiful. The stars sparkled above them in the sky, and the moon loomed far overhead casting its welcome light down on this otherwise dark, windy evening. The aura of the moons glow put a blue tint to the clay colored sand dunes that littered the area. Many of the visible buildings of Brooksburgh are half consumed by the ever shifting desert waves. The world that Dran and Logan found themselves in was a radical alien landscape compared to what they knew so long ago...
The tranquility of the moment was short lived between the two of them as a loud squawk came from Dran's PDA. Dran looked down, his upper body jolting a bit as they hit a bump. His gaze remained focused on the PDA's neon blue screen as a static crackling continued to come in through the PDA's radio receiver. He eventually raised it once more to speak.
"This is Colonel Dran Norvash, I repeat - Colonel Dran Norvash with S.E.P.T.E.R Recon Squadron Seven. Traveling westbound towards Brooksburgh... Over."
He lowered the PDA and stared at it for awhile, waiting for a break in the drone of the radio silence. Logan looked over curiously as he drove, curious himself as to what was going on. Finally it came, a deep male voice came in over the radio.
"This is SEPTER HQ to Recon 7, do you copy? Over."
Dran raised the PDA casually, the slightest look of relief almost visible on his face. "We copy, Go ahead HQ, Over."
The radio squawked with disapproval, finally the loud noise broke and gave way to the same male voice. "Continue Westbound, Recon Seven. You are on the correct route. We lost contact with Recon Eleven in the same zone three weeks ago, be on high alert. Rhodian Mercenaries could have taken over the area. From here on out maintain radio silence until you have acquired the documents... Over."
Dran paused for a moment, then in a quick motion he responded over the radio on his PDA. "Copy that HQ, Over and out."
He lowered the PDA to his lap once more and looked to Logan. "How much ammo do we have?"
Logan chewed on his bottom lip as he drove along, he paused and then looked over. "Ehh... We have a few grenades... Tons of Nine-Mil rounds... A few shotgun shells, probably about twenty... A few mags for the C9 Assault Rifles... Not an incredible lot, but we'll be alright if we stay low and ration the stuff..."
Dran looked down and adjusted a high tech looking knife which was hanging from his black combat vest. "Alright... Maybe we can scavenge some gasoline and food while we're here, after we've gotten the documents, of course..."
Logan looked over to respond, he noticed Dran now staring off into the distance at the blown out buildings poking up out of the sand; his hair dancing in the wind as it came through the open window. He hesitated to respond, but spoke anyways.
"Yeah, sure... Lets just hope this will be an in and out thing. I'm really not feeling it tonight, I'd rather not get shot at, or get chewed on like a piece of beef jerky."
Dran shrugged. He spoke almost to himself, clearly zoned out of the conversation. "It is what it is. Can't really complain. We're both out here by choice. If you have a problem with it you can easily walk off duty. I can't stop you other than shooting you in the back of the head - But that's one more round I might need to kill a stiff."
Logan remained silent, focusing intently on driving once again. He slowed the Humvee down to a crawl and squinted to see through the darkness. He spied a rusty street sign poking up out of a small sand dune that read "WILLOW HAVEN RD". The green and white street sign seemed unusual in the sapphire moonlight. He let out a sigh of relief, realizing he had come close to missing it.
He turned the wheel and started heading south towards the mountains that rested at the bottom of what used to be the city of Brooksburgh. What was left of the city could only be considered a washed out shell in a forgotten land. There was nothing left here for any sane person to call their own...
He looked out the window and studied some of the buildings they were passing. The sight was intimidating, they lay silent with blown out windows, stains of blood and dirt covered them at street level. Many of the buildings were black from when great fires consumed them. He wondered if anyone was alive, he let himself slip away into his thoughts as they drove, distracted by the feelings of sorrow and fear that he always tried to bury deep within himself whenever he had to expose himself to the reality of this new world.
Dran looked up, realizing that now among the buildings it was noticeably darker than it was out on the open road. Many of the tall derelict buildings strangled the illuminating moon light out of the night sky, casting large shadows about the intricate network of roads. He scanned the buildings ahead of them and narrowed his eyes watching for movement.
"Take it easy up ahead here... Something isn't right, its too quiet."
Logan looked over, then back to the road. "Alright... Wanna hit the flood lights?"
"No... It'll just make us more visible to whatever hasn't already heard our engine running."
Logan nodded a bit, accelerating gently as they swerved past a wrecked car and headed into a long stretch of open road. "Looks like we're lucky tonight. We found a main road, pretty clear as well. Looks like we wont be pushing any **** cars off the road to clear a path for ourselves tonight."
Dran looked down to his PDA and spoke softly. "Don't get too excited, you'll jinx our luck..."
The light on Drans PDA slowly died as he tucked it away into a pouch. The absence of light within the cab cast the two of them into darkness as they drove along. The Humvee moved at a steady speed, Logan keeping the ride as close to comfortable as he could. Dran turned his head to glance out the window as they passed by an alley way which snaked off into some back streets. He watched a small group of shapes stagger about in the darkness. The shapes seemed close to human, but moved in a uncoordinated fashion. Soon they had gone forward enough that they were eventually obstructed from Dran's view. He turned his head and looked forward again, sighing a little bit to himself.
The Humvee eventually rounded a corner, turning on to a side road that wound off away from the large concentration of buildings and city streets. Logan accelerated and glanced up at the sky. It was reassuring to him that he could see the stars and moon again, now that they had escaped the dark stranglehold of the inner city.
"Almost there..." He spoke to no one in particular.
"Good... Keep the pace, we're making good time..." Dran looked down and began systematically checking his gear.
As they drove out into what used to be the Suburban area of Brooksburgh; Drans attention was strayed away from his meticulous checking of his equipment. He stared ahead of them at a derelict school, time seemed to slow down in the moment that they passed, at least for him. He looked at the flag pole, reminding himself that there would be no flag flying high in the sky from its heights. He looked into the windows, he studied how the innards of the building was consumed by a perpetual darkness, a hollowness that seemed as though it would never lift. Soon it passed them and he could see it no longer. He paused for what seemed like a long time, simply thinking; running over what he had just seen inside his head. Soon, he looked back down and was back to work, allowing himself to try and forget what he had just seen.
They pushed onwards, further into the night. The mood of the moment seemed to calace more and more between the two men as every passing second slipped away from them. Logan's driving became more aggressive, more intent upon reaching their destination. A click could be heard as Dran slid a magazine into his service pistol. He raised it in his fist till the barrel came level with his temple, pointing up towards the ceiling. Dran hung his head out of the window and squinted.
"Slow down, it's just up ahead..." He glanced over at Logan.
Logan decelerated the vehicle and came to a crawl, pulling forward in front of a large building. It was composed of a large central compound with many side buildings on the same campus. Slowly, he stopped the Humvee and pulled up the emergency break. He looked to Dran and nodded a bit.
Dran opened the passenger side door and hopped out, a thump could be heard as his service boots hit the pavement. He stretched a little and looked around, surveying the area. Soon after he walked around the back of the Humvee, pistol in hand. He pulled the trunk hatch open and began to rummage through their supplies.
Logan sat in the Humvee for a short time longer, focusing himself. He breathed deep and finally climbed down out of the driver seat. He stretched a little, walking a few feet away from the vehicle looking around. Something far off in the distance behind them caught his eye, it was the Brooksburgh skyline. He stared at the ghosts looming over the horizon, basked in the blue light of the moon. He gazed upon the rolling barrens that consumed the whole area around them, he began to take in some of the diminutive details of this place that he had previously overlooked. He felt a strange sense of serenity come over him, perhaps his senses had been betrayed. Or maybe it was his lack of experience that made him feel so comfortable, and of all times; why now? He felt the cool wind pass over his exposed skin, he could feel the grains of sand being carried with it, brushing across his course uniform. He looked around, wondering what had happened that things could have escalated to this point. Inside, he felt immense euphoria, but at the same time; a sorrow that he could not explain.
A loud gunshot interrupted Logan's moment of thought, he spun around frantically and lost his footing, falling on his back. A creature lay on the ground before him, its lower body having been ripped away leaving only a torso, head, arms and the entrails hanging out of the gaping wound. It's head had collapsed under the force of being shot. Logan scrambled backwards, breathing heavier than ever before. Dran stood a ways in front of him next to the Humvee, with his pistol still raised, fresh smoke billowing out of the barrel. His black tinted glasses strangling any emotion from his face as always. Logan paused and exhaled heavily, looking down at himself. The contents of the creatures skull had spattered across the backs of his legs as it was shot. He paused and only managed to stifle a few short words. "W...What the hell!?"
Dran lowered the pistol slowly. "Play time's over. Stop *Censor*ing around and pay attention."
Logan slowly began to crawl to his feet, visibly shaken by the experience. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Dran spun the pistol around, turning the handle grip to Logan. "Take this, lets get the magazines ready. We'll need them...
Logan nodded a bit. The two men turned and walked around the back of the vehicle, with intentions of preparing for a long night...
