The Wedding

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svalbard

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This is a long excerpt. Any comments would be welcome.

Chapter 15

Nuptials


The wedding celebrations had gone as well as Ranald had expected. Cait looked ravishing in her marriage gowns, all a pristine and virginal white. It was a pity the girl lacked the wits or inclination to look demure and innocent, but by the look that Dolfin had given his bride it did not matter. For his part, Dolfin was the picture of manliness in his ceremonial golden hauberk with a long trailing cloak made from the finest silk. It glittered in the morning sun, the gold specks on the scarlet material catching the shifting light as he moved.

The ceremony itself had passed without a sour note, the bride and groom exchanging their vows solemnly. The Beuforts had turned up in force for the occasion, Ranald noted wryly to himself. Conrad Beufort looked very much like the cat that had got the cream, and he positively beamed at all and sundry. Even Richard del Calare was able to elicit a smile from the man. The wedding feast turned in to the most lavish in living memory. Ranald wanted to ensure that the Beufort family had no cause to complain.

The guests were treated to dozens of dishes from pigeon pie, to roast suckling of pig, to the finest venison from the King’s private deer park. Wines from the vineyards of Dalaria and Arna satisfied the most discerning of palates and at no small cost Ranald had imported the very best ale from Balzor, to distribute amongst the gathered commons, who celebrated the occasion in Nanter’s public parks.

Entertainment took the form of a host of fools attired in motley and they gambolled up and down the hall sending the seated guests in to raptures of laughter. Singers and troubadours appeared in endless succession, mountebanks from Carad thrilled the celebrants with their daring tricks and magic doers baffled them with their slight of hand. At the high table Ranald looked on benevolently and sipped his wine with constraint, his eyes busy making note of which nobleman was speaking to who and the length of their conversations. His pages, many of them spies and informants, darted between the tables bearing dishes and wine. They would make their full report to Del Calare on the morn and he in turn would brief the King as to the contends of certain lords conversations.

At one of the lower tables Lord Mengar, the King’s Treasurer, sat and fretted. The cost of day’s celebration was exorbitant and it went against the man’s grain to expend so much coin on such a triviality. But worse was the cost of the tomorrow’s tourney that the King had decreed to honour his son’s marriage.The King had provided ample purse for the winners of the various events from the archery contest which had no less than ten categories, which meant that the treasurer had to find the coin for every category. It was the jousting that brought the highest purse and over two hundred lords and knights had entered the lists. But not only had Ranald provided the prizes, he had declared that commons would have free refreshments for the duration of the tourney.

“Be of good cheer, my lord,” a noble at his side declared pressing a goblet of overly sweet Dalarian wine in to his hand. Mengar smiled weakly at the drunkard and sipped the wine almost gagging on its sweetness. It was at that stage of the feast when the majority of people were so inebriated that they would not notice the quality of the wine and Mengar had ordered the more vintage selections stored away and have the plonk served out with exception of the high table.

Conrad Beufort was on his feet and with upraised arm and a flushed face he called out for quiet.
“Your Majesty, I propose a toast to the happy couple and wish them joy on their nuptials,” he cried out to a chorus of, “Here, Here.” Continuing, Conrad swayed slightly on his feet drawing some raucous shouts from the hall.
“Furthermore, I propose a toast to the joining of our great houses. To the Beuforts and the Gulnarsons!” he shouted out to a pregnant silence. All eyes had turned to Ranald and his reaction. For a moment he sat there his good hand playing with the jewels on his chalice and then he rose looking at Conrad pointedly.

“To the Gulnarsons and the Beuforts,” he said raising his chalice. The hall erupted in cheers and oblivious to the warning implicit in Ranald’s tone Conrad joined in the toast. Grabbing him by the arm Conrad’s wife dragged him down, giving the king an apologetic smile, which Ranald returned with a nod of his head.

“The fool,” Dolfin muttered to Thrand, who was seated at his left, as was tradition for the man who stood as the groom’s best man.
“He is drunk,” Thrand replied, dismissing Beuforts words.
“Mayhap, but I believe my good father-in-law will need some watching. Will you look at Edland Beufort’s face? The man is furious, I do believe, if you can read anything in that visage,” Dolfin remarked.
“For the love of Zel man! will you cheer up and enjoy your day. It is not every day that a man gets to marry a beauty like Cait,” Thrand said, exasperated at his brother’s sullenness. Dolfin gave Thrand a sidelong look, his eyes hooded. Yes brother she is beautiful, and a whore to boot, thought Dolfin, and his mind moved forward to the forthcoming night and nuptials.

There was a part of Dolfin that was looking forward to it and the pain he would inflict upon his bride for the dishonor she had done him and at that moment Dolfin smiled as he gave full flight to his imagination.
“That’s better Dolfin, now you look like the happy groom instead of a condemned criminal,” Thrand said, seeing his brother’s smile.
“I hear you have entered the lists for tomorrow,” Dolfin said.
“Indeed I have. There are some good champions riding and I fancy a tilt at them. I will take a certain pleasure in unhorsing Edland Beufort,” Thrand replied.
“Have a care with him. He has being known to kill a man at the joust before,” Dolfin said, still looking at his uncle by marriage. Edland seemed to notice the Prince then, and he turned his dead eyes on him. The man raised his goblet to Dolfin and smiled bleakly. What is it with him? thought Dolfin. He is the most celebrated captain in the realm yet he does not bask in his own glory but treats all with disdain even his own brother.
There was one exception that Dolfin had noted though, and that was Cait. Edland doted on his niece and had named himself the bride’s champion for the tournament.

“It is time brother,” Thrand said rising to his feet and banging his fist against the table.
“The Bedding!” bellowed the Prince.
As Dolfin stood up Thrand whispered to him. “A needle and a little prick with to draw some blood to prove the virtue of your wife. Do not forget.”
Trust me Thrand there will be blood, thought Dolfin and laughing he allowed his honor guard of knights to lift him up and carry him to his bedchamber with loud and lewd catcalls.

Ranald watched on with relief and silently thanked the gods that the specter of Caric had not risen during the feasting and that all had the wit not to mention his name. As far as the court was concerned, the boy was in disgrace for misappropriating treasury funds however unlikely that sounded, but who would dare question the King. Estrith moved to Ranald’s side and clasped him by the arm.
“I will retire husband and await you shortly. I have never enjoyed this part of the celebrations,” she said.
“I will be along soon love,” he replied, happy that their relationship was returning to something akin to normality after the grief Estrith had suffered from the news of her father’s and brothers’ deaths in the north.

At the beginning she had blamed Ranald, firstly for abandoning Swegn and then for his inaction in avenging the slain king. But in time she had come to see the difficult position Ranald was in and her anger had lessened, although his bed had being a cold place for the past month. But tonight he heard a promise in his wife’s words and it gladdened his heart.

They were at the bridal bower now and the shouting had grown more lewd. Cait’s face was flushed whether from embarrassment or anticipation, Ranald could not tell. Edland hovered at her shoulder like some dark angel, glowering the whole time.
“Fear not Uncle for she shall come to no harm in my arms,” Dolfin called out to him as entered the bedchamber and with a wink at the revelers he closed the door.
The sudden silence in the room was only punctuated with the sound of Cait’s breathing as her chest heaved drawing Dolfin’s hungry eyes. They had hardly spoke through out the day and now Cait was unsure as she gazed upon her husband and the man she had cuckolded with Caric.
“Madam, take off your clothes,” Dolfin said coldly.
 
Again it's hard to find fault with your writing. You have an effortless, flowing style that is very, very readable. It's paced perfectly, and no where does it feel like you're trying too hard or not hard enough.

The only issue I have with this excerpt, especially in contrast to the other stuff you've posted is it tends towards the generic, bland and predictable. What they're wearing, the wedding feast, the festivities, even the underlying intrigue is pretty standard stuff and I feel a bit like it's a scene I could have read many times before in any number of fantasy novels.

I guess in a way that praise and criticism is a little contradictory. But unlike the Arthur pieces which have some really original and atmospheric imagery and left me wanting more this doesn't really do much for me. I like the quality and flow of the writing, but the story itself does nothing for me.

I don't think it would take much to change this though. Just a couple of hints or nudges towards why this story or why these characters or this setting could potential distinguish itself from what I have read before.

Other than that "Suckling of pig"? As far as I'm aware it's just "Suckling pig" I've never seen the "of" used in any context. But I could be mistaken.

Edit: I should add that unlike a lot of stuff put up for critique here I genuinely feel that the quality of your prose is pretty much up to publication standard as is. I usual look at stuff in a more technical what's wrong with it kind of way. For this (as I don't see anything technically wrong with it) I'm more looking at it in a would I buy/read it based on this passage way. At this point any critique comes down to taste rather than what is right or wrong.
 
Ash,

Thanks for the comments. It is great that you think that my prose is up to publication standard. Personally I believe I have a bit to go yet. The excerpt above is part of a novel that I am editing at the moment, and the amount of changes that I am doing is mind numbing and at times down heartening. As it stands I am looking at the middle of next year before I send it to prospective publishers. I have already posted a number of excerpts on this site to some mixed critiques but I have always taking something positive away.

Thanks again for the honest critique. My aim is to create an original fantasy story and anything that seems generic will be revisited and edited.
 
Cait looked ravishing in her marriage gowns,
gown
all a pristine and virginal white. It was a pity the girl lacked the wits or inclination to look demure and innocent...

to roast suckling of pig,
change as Ash mentioned
to the finest venison from the King’s private deer park....

Wines from the vineyards of Dalaria and Arna satisfied the most discerning of palates
comma
and at no small cost Ranald had imported the very best ale from Balzor to distribute amongst the gathered commons, who celebrated the occasion in Nanter’s public parks.

Entertainment took the form of a host of fools attired in motley and they gambolled up and down the hall sending the seated guests in to raptures of laughter.
I would suggest, 'capturing the seated guests in raptures of laughter.'
Singers and troubadours appeared in endless succession,
while
mountebanks from Carad thrilled the celebrants with their daring tricks and magic doers baffled them with their slight of hand.

...

They would make their full report to Del Calare on the morn and he in turn would brief the King as to the contends
contents
of certain lords
lords' ?
conversations.

At one of the lower tables
comma
Lord Mengar, the King’s Treasurer, sat and fretted. The cost of
the
day’s celebration was exorbitant and it went against the man’s grain to expend so much coin on such a triviality. But worse was the cost of the
remove 'the'
tomorrow’s tourney that the King had decreed to honour his son’s marriage.The King had provided ample purse for the winners of the various events from the archery contest which had no less than ten categories, which meant that
I'd change this to, 'provided ample purse for the winners of the various archery-contest events, which had no less than ten categories, leaving...'
the treasurer had to find the coin for every category. It was the jousting that brought the highest purse and over two hundred lords and knights had entered the lists. But not only had Ranald provided the prizes, he had declared that commons
either 'the commons' or 'commoners'
would have free refreshments for the duration of the tourney.

“Be of good cheer, my lord,” a noble at his side declared pressing a goblet of overly sweet Dalarian wine in to
into
his hand. Mengar smiled weakly at the drunkard and sipped the wine
comma
almost gagging on its sweetness. It was at that stage of the feast when the majority of people were so inebriated that they would not notice the quality of the wine and Mengar had ordered the more vintage selections stored away and have the plonk served out with exception of the high table.

Conrad Beufort was on his feet and with upraised arm and a flushed face he called out for quiet.
too many and's
“Your Majesty, I propose a toast to the happy couple and wish them joy on their nuptials,” he cried out to a chorus of, “Here, Here.” Continuing, Conrad swayed slightly on his feet drawing some raucous shouts from the hall.
“Furthermore, I propose a toast to the joining of our great houses. To the Beuforts and the Gulnarsons!” he shouted out to a pregnant silence. All eyes had turned to Ranald and his reaction. For a moment he sat there
comma
his good hand playing with the jewels on his chalice and then he
Change to 'chalice. He'
rose looking at Conrad pointedly.

“To the Gulnarsons and the Beuforts,” he said
comma
raising his chalice. The hall erupted in cheers and
comma
oblivious to the warning implicit in Ranald’s tone
comma
Conrad joined in the toast. Grabbing him by the arm Conrad’s wife dragged him down, giving the king an apologetic smile, which Ranald returned with a nod of his head.
I'd go for, 'Grabbing him by the arm, Conrad's wife dragged him down while giving the king...'
“The fool,” Dolfin muttered to Thrand, who was seated at his left, as was tradition
'the tradition' or 'traditional'
for the man who stood as the groom’s best man.
“He is drunk,” Thrand replied, dismissing Beuforts words.
“Mayhap, but I believe my good father-in-law will need some watching. Will you look at Edland Beufort’s face? The man is furious, I do believe, if you can read anything in that visage,” Dolfin remarked.
“For the love of Zel
comma
man! will you cheer up and enjoy your day.
I'd change to 'Will you not cheer up and enjoy your day.' I realise it puts another 'not' in there, but they're quite soft and I think you can get away with it.
It is not every day that a man gets to marry a beauty like Cait,” Thrand said, exasperated at his brother’s sullenness. Dolfin gave Thrand a sidelong look, his eyes hooded. Yes brother she is beautiful, and a whore to boot, thought Dolfin, and his mind moved forward to the forthcoming night and nuptials.

There was a part of Dolfin that was looking forward to it and the pain he would inflict upon his bride for the dishonor she had done him and at that moment Dolfin smiled as he gave full flight to his imagination.
Need some punctuation above to clarify your meaning.
“That’s better
comma
Dolfin, now you look like the happy groom
comma
instead of a condemned criminal,” Thrand said, seeing his brother’s smile.
“I hear you have entered the lists for tomorrow,” Dolfin said.
“Indeed I have. There are some good champions riding and I fancy a tilt at them. I will take a certain pleasure in unhorsing Edland Beufort,” Thrand replied.
“Have a care with him. He has being
been
known to kill a man at the joust before,” Dolfin said, still looking at his uncle by marriage. Edland seemed to notice the Prince then, and he turned his dead eyes on him. The man raised his goblet to Dolfin and smiled bleakly. What is it with him? thought Dolfin. He is the most celebrated captain in the realm
comma
yet he does not bask in his own glory but treats all with disdain
comma
even his own brother.
There was one exception that Dolfin had noted though, and that was Cait. Edland doted on his niece and had named himself the bride’s champion for the tournament.

“It is time brother,” Thrand said rising to his feet and banging his fist against the table.
“The Bedding!” bellowed the Prince.
As Dolfin stood up
comma
Thrand whispered to him. “A needle and a little prick with to draw some blood to prove the virtue of your wife. Do not forget.”
Trust me
comma
comma
there will be blood, thought Dolfin and laughing he allowed his honor guard of knights to lift him up and carry him to his bedchamber with loud and lewd catcalls.
he can't be carried by catcalls. They need to follow his passage, or something.
Ranald watched on with relief and silently thanked the gods that
I'd change to, 'looked on with relief, silently thanking the gods that'
the specter of Caric had not risen during the feasting and that all had the wit not to mention his name. As far as the court was concerned, the boy was in disgrace for misappropriating treasury funds
comma
however unlikely that sounded, but who would dare question the King. Estrith moved to Ranald’s side and clasped him by the arm.
“I will retire husband and await you shortly. I have never enjoyed this part of the celebrations,” she said.
“I will be along soon love,” he replied, happy that their relationship was returning to something akin to normality after the grief Estrith had suffered from the news of her father’s and brothers’ deaths in the north.

At the beginning she had blamed Ranald, firstly for abandoning Swegn and
change 'and' to a comma
then for his inaction in avenging the slain king. But in time she had come to see the difficult position Ranald was in and her anger had lessened,
seems to be a change of POV here
although his bed had being a cold place for the past month. But tonight he heard a promise in his wife’s words and it gladdened his heart.

They were at the bridal bower now and the shouting had grown more lewd. Cait’s face was flushed
comma
whether from embarrassment or anticipation,
remove comma
Ranald could not tell. Edland hovered at her shoulder like some dark angel, glowering the whole time.
“Fear not Uncle for she shall come to no harm in my arms,” Dolfin called out to him as
he?
entered the bedchamber and
comma
with a wink at the revelers
comma
he closed the door.
The sudden silence in the room was only punctuated with the sound of Cait’s breathing as her chest heaved
comma
drawing Dolfin’s hungry eyes
'to its voluptuous delights' ?
. They had hardly spoke through out
throughout
comma
and now Cait was unsure as she gazed upon her husband and the man she had cuckolded with Caric.
“Madam, take off your clothes,” Dolfin said coldly.

Svalbard, just my suggestions, take whatever is good for you.

I think the problem with this piece, though, is that there is no drama or depth to it, and I would suggest extracting from it the important bits that are relevant to the overall plot, then reduce it all down to a paragraph or two.

I would also recommend you keep a close eye on your 'and's because you seem to use a lot of them here.
 
Hi Svalbard. Like Ash and Dafydd I think this piece needs pruning down to enhance it's readability. Get rid of the dead wood...it's overly descriptive. I want to get into the meat of the scene, which is first class, as usual. You are a wonderful writer (IMO:)) and I love reading anything you put up here. Now I want to know....what happens in the bridal chamber!!!
 
I can't point out much that anybody else hasn't, but I quite like this as an excerpt. The first thing I thought of was GRRM's Red Wedding, which either shows that I don't read about many weddings, or that your excerpt is smelling nicely of forebodings and intrigue - which is a good thing, I might add.:)

chopper
 
Hi Ysabara,

Nice to hear from you again. Thanks for the comments and I agree, it does need pruning. As for the bedchamber, well, lets just say that Cait is a match for Dolfin. Hope to see something from you on the boards soon.

chopper,

It is a setup scene to later intrigues, especially for the missing brother, Caric, who is the main character of the story.

BTW, the first six chapters, finally fully edited, are winging their way to an agent. I hope the many posts on this site have not damaged my chances.
 
Hi svalbard,

How you been? I've been busy on Nanowrimo lately so missed a lot of stuff...glad to see your still at it, and would have floated across earlier if I could.

As usual, high integrity stuff you're still putting out. Edges on info dump but you've handled it delicately enough to get away with it. During your edit, you can trim the fat; bit too much glitter and lights...if you know what I mean...yes you do. LOL. It'll tighten it up, especially if you dodge the cliches and mundane; add a bit of crass and bitchiness in its place and you'll have a top serving for your readers. You always write flowingly so there's no problems there and animate your MC's with style.

All better than good, my friend.

Cheers, TL. :p :D
 
Thanks, TL, already working on this to up the ante on drama.
 
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