Another Arthurian excerpt.

[svalbard]

This is some more material around a story about King Arthur. I included Lancelot in the tale, with much misgivings on my part. The name of Arthur's capital is causing me a few problems as well. Any comments would be appreciated.


“What a disgusting errand,” Bedwyr complained to Lancelot as they rode south to Caer Cam.
“If you have no stomach for it, I will tell her,” Lancelot replied.
Bedwyr gave the older warrior an alarmed look.
“No, I’ll do it. You have no tact, you would drive the woman to her death,” he said hastily.
“Diplomacy is for kings, not for warriors. If something needs doing then you are better off doing it and to hell with the niceties,” Lancelot said.
Bedwyr sighed. Lancelot was as straight as they came, not the one to pick for a delicate mission.

The lands about Caer Cam were pleasant and peaceful. The joint powers of Arthur and Marcus of Dumnonia ensured that the people could exist in some semblance of a civilized life. With the ramparts of the Caer in sight, Bedwyr urged his small company on. It was good to be going home regardless of the circumstances. People streamed down the hill to greet the warriors. Bedwyr a genial man, returned the greetings with smiles and news about other members of the Cymry.

At the large open gates, Talisien stood waiting. To Lancelot’s eye he looked agitated, angry almost. Bedwyr dismounted next to him and was about to say something when Talisien grabbed him by the arm and whispered in his ear. A change came over Bedwyr’s face, a look of profound anger. The young warrior shook off Talisien’s hold and strode on towards the hall. Lancelot set off after him.

“You’ve changed, Conmor,” Talisien said to Lancelot, matching him stride for stride.
“It’s Lancelot now. My name is Lancelot,” replied the warrior.
“So you are the great warrior I have heard tales of,” Talisien said, and refrained from any other comment.
They entered the great hall and came to a sudden stop, both their faces expressing the same emotion, shock.

Bedwyr was marching towards them, dragging a woman along by the hair. She was screeching at the top of her lungs, her arms flailing uselessly. Gladys ran along at his side, beseeching him to stop.
“Bedwyr!” Lancelot called. He was ignored.
With a grunt, Bedwyr flung the screaming woman out of the hall. She leapt to her feet and flew at Bedwyr, only for him to step forward and kick her fully into the face. She crumpled in a heap on the ground.
“You were warned, Morgan. Arthur was lenient the last time, but if he finds you here he will hang you from the nearest tree. Count yourself lucky that it was I that found you. Now begone, witch!” he rasped.

He turned from the woman not seeing her curse him. Gladys hung back in the hall looking at Bedwyr with fearful eyes. She had never witnessed violence from him before. He had always seemed the gentlest of Arthur’s warriors. He walked up to Gladys, looking her straight in the eye.
“You will gather your belongings. You are to leave here by nightfall. A house is prepared for you in Isca and you shall want for nothing,” he said and then walked away from her.
“My son..”
“Medraut stays here. I have nothing more to say. Go!” Bedwyr cut across her.
“No,” it came out as a whisper from her. Gladys looked about, pleading with her eyes. None would meet her gaze. Talisien stepped towards her and gently took her by the shoulder.
“Go. I will speak to Bedwyr,” he said, his voice soft and calming.
She nodded her head, tears standing in her eyes. Talisien watched her leave and then approached Bedwyr who was standing at the far end of the hall.

“This will not do, Merlin,” he said to Talisien even before the bard could speak.
“We need to turn this hall into a place befitting a wedding feast. It is a pigsty as it stands now,” Bedwyr continued.
“A wedding feast? Whose wedding?” asked Talisien.
“Arthur’s and Gwynhyvar’s.”

 

[Pravuil]

Hmmm...you are exemplary when opposed to some in all your other works, but this I have some problems with. It seems you are more adept at describing than at the play of cosmopolitans-- That is I feel your writing is somehow diminished when you are working with not only people, but individuals acting and reacting with one another. Of course this is a problem easily fixed, as now you should write more communal settings and plots and take advantage of your descriptions to enhance this. Constantly attempt to not only ameliorate your writing skills collectively, but focus in this social and interaction department above all else, as focusing on your weaknesses can make them your strengths. To pick out certain sentences that really struck a cord with me and stood out I will give you these: “Diplomacy is for kings, not for warriors. If something needs doing then you are better off doing it and to hell with the *niceties*,” Lancelot said (There are many a word for "niceties" and for some reason this seemed to disagree with me), With a grunt, Bedwyr flung the screaming woman out of the hall. She leapt to her feet and flew at Bedwyr, only for him to step forward and kick her fully *into* the face (I believe this was a simple typo that needs to be brought to your attention), “Medraut stays here. I have nothing more to say. Go!” Bedwyr *cut across her* (I think I know what you where proposing, and that is acceptable, but to my eyes "Bedwyr cut across her voice" would seem more tenable). Don't feel ashamed however, Svalbard, this work was not without merit. It had it's good parts, and I could visualize the overall scene I believe you were trying to communicate through your prose. Now you also know of what you can use a bit of brushing up on. I look forward to your next submition, keep up the work.

 

[svalbard]

Thanks Pravuil. I appreciate the comments. I find them interesting and will defintely review the piece again. It is a bit short and needs expanding and a lot more thought put into the excerpt. This I will do, your hints are a good place to start. Thanks again.

 

[Ash]

I think this passage demonstrates you need to work on your dialog.

I'm not an expert but I don't think the comma inside quotation marks is correct:

“You’ve changed, Conmor,” Talisien said

So you might want to check up on that.

Early on there is a lot of "he said... he replied... he continued" but this gets better later in the piece. It works a lot better when you have action mixed in with the conversation.

I think it would be fairly easy to fix up though. Just grab a few books you like and see how others handle dialog.

Other than that I still like the feel of it and think your tone fits well with the genre here.

 

[svalbard]

Yes, dialog is an area to work on. I feel that it drives many plot lines and is essential in developing characters. All part of my editing now. Thanks Ash and I am happy that you still managed to enjoy it.

 

[Dafydd Cymraeg]

“You’ve changed, Conmor,” Talisien said

This punctuation is correct.