Blurb for hack-and-slash critique

[Lyrebyrd]

New to the forums, although I've been looking around and I look forward to doing a bit of critiquing myself - I've seen some really great work in here.

I'm trying to write up a blurb for a novel I'm in the process of working on (giving the brain a break) but I'm not sure how to cut it down, and I think some things need to be reworked but can't figure out how.

Thoughts?
Blurb:

Empathy (noun): The gift of understanding or ability to sense the feelings and experiences of another without having such communicated fully or explicitly.

It’s the mid-5th century BCE and Corinth has become a busy, bustling metropolis with ships and traders coming in and going out daily. Streets are packed with people, merchants shouting their wares, and priests conducting sacrifices to the gods, and it seems the world comes to Corinth - if they can afford it. It’s the place to be, should you desire to make or lose money, and there is no place with so much chance for pleasure and entertainment as this city where Aphrodite holds sway.

To Mina, daughter of a Corinthian heterae, an expensive and skilled prostitute, it’s a headache at best, and living hell at worst. Born with a curse that had her thrown out on the streets and with no skill at any particular trade, her twentieth birthday is approaching with no prospects in sight. Her only use for the gods is their sanctuaries, where she can get a place to sleep at night, and a dim hope that a set of priests will accept her as one of theirs so that she has a foundation to work from.

On top of that, her curse is getting worse, and she’s no longer just fighting to survive, but to keep from slipping into madness as she slowly loses sight of the blurring line between herself and the thousands of Corinthian inhabitants.

Sometimes the difference between a gift and a curse isn’t all that different.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hello and welcome, Lyrebyrd,

Empathy (noun): The gift of understanding or ability to sense the feelings and experiences of another without having such communicated fully or explicitly.

It’s the mid-5th century BCE and Corinth has become a busy, bustling metropolis with ships and traders coming in and going out daily. Streets are packed with people, merchants shouting their wares, and priests conducting sacrifices to the gods, and it seems the world comes to Corinth - if they can afford it. It’s the place to be, should you desire to make or lose money, and there is no place with so much chance for pleasure and entertainment as this city where Aphrodite holds sway.

To Mina, daughter of a Corinthian heterae, an expensive and skilled prostitute, it’s a headache at best, and living hell at worst. Born with a curse that had her thrown out on the streets and with no skill at any particular trade, her twentieth birthday is approaching with no prospects in sight. Her only use for the gods is their sanctuaries, where she can get a place to sleep at night, and a dim hope that a set of priests will accept her as one of theirs so that she has a foundation to work from.

On top of that, her curse is getting worse, and she’s no longer just fighting to survive, but to keep from slipping into madness as she slowly loses sight of the blurring line between herself and the thousands of Corinthian inhabitants.

Sometimes the difference between a gift and a curse isn’t all that different.

If I were you, I wouldn't spend any more time thrashing out the perfect blurb, unless you have a fair part of the story down and written already. What you appear to have here is notes or even a precis for the work, rather than a book blurb. I'd keep it that way. My own notes are scribbled on the back of my car insurance cover note and, in my view at least, don't need any more formality.

Your story sounds interesting and Mina could be a very engaging and complex character. The very word "Corinth" conjures up long hours exciting daydreaming during Classics lessons when I was naught but a cub.

Stick the blurb in the drawer and let us have a look at a bit of the action.

Regards,

Peter

 

[Mad Tam McC]

I have to say it does sound a bit more interesting than a hack and slash. I'm interested in finding out what Mina's curse is!

 

[Lyrebyrd]

Was referring to welcoming some hack-and-slash style critique (cut out everything that doesn't fit, comment, edit anything you like).

 

[Ash]

An interesting exercise. I don't even know if people get to write their own blurbs (can any published authors tell us?) or if publishers have blurb writing specialists to do it.

I don't think I've ever critiqued a blurb before but I'll give it a shot. I will hack and slash as best I can. Actually as this is fairly short, and as an exercise for myself I'm going to do it line by line.

Because of this I'm going to come across as super-critical but I don't want to give the impression I didn't like it on the whole. I think it introduces and interesting and original story.

Interesting setting, interesting character, interesting problem. The blurb does it's job of setting up these three things as it progresses from one to the other well it's be something I'd like to read more of.

Empathy (noun): The gift of understanding or ability to sense the feelings and experiences of another without having such communicated fully or explicitly.

I'd drop the "(noun)". At first I didn't like this, but then the "gift" here, "curse" in the main text and "gift or curse" towards the end clicked and it made sense. I wonder if that's a little bit subtle for a blurb though. People are just going to scan it and judge the book on that. On first scan all I thought was "what's that definition got to do with anything.

It’s the mid-5th century BCE and Corinth has become a busy, bustling metropolis with ships and traders coming in and going out daily.

If the story is set now Corinth "is" busy. Telling me it has become busy is irrelevant because I don't know that it wasn't in the past. "busy" and "bustling" mean pretty much the same thing in this context.

"ships and traders coming in and going out daily" is a bit mundane and pointless. A small port that wasn't particularly busy could still have daily ships and traders.

Maybe something a little more grandiose would be better here or some different terminology that gives a sense of scale.

Streets are packed with people, merchants shouting their wares, and priests conducting sacrifices to the gods, and it seems the world comes to Corinth - if they can afford it.

First Part: Two totally separate ideas in the same sentence here. Probably best to separate them. The first merchants and priest crowded together, gives a trade + religion image which works. Could be a bit more dynamic.... merchants and priests competing for people's attention.

Are the streets really packed with priests conducting sacrifices though? Not sure if that's something I'd expect to see on the streets or if it's a day-to-day thing or something special.

Second Part: "it seems the world comes to Corinth - if they can afford it" doesn't really make sense to me. Are all the merchants and priests and people in the bustling city rich? The need to be able to afford it doesn't seem to fit with the bustling trade hub you've been describing so far.

Thing is I like the line, and at this point in the blurb a little movie traileresque line like this really fits, but this just plain doesn't make sense to me in the context.

It’s the place to be, should you desire to make or lose money

Why would anyone desire to lose money?

and there is no place with so much chance for pleasure and entertainment as this city where Aphrodite holds sway.

I quite like this, but I wondering if you're trying to make too much of the city.... trading hub, priests making sacrifices, if you can afford it, hedonistic paradise. It's like every cliche ancient city rolled into one. Maybe drop some of those.

Although Merchants + Entertainment makes a nice lead-in to prostitutes....

To Mina, daughter of a Corinthian heterae, an expensive and skilled prostitute, it’s a headache at best, and living hell at worst.

At first I thought the daughter was a prostitute. That might just be poor reading comprehension on my part.

Not clear what "it's" is exactly. The city? Life in general? Her mother's profession?

Born with a curse that had her thrown out on the streets and with no skill at any particular trade, her twentieth birthday is approaching with no prospects in sight.

A bit too much going on here. "with no skill at any particular trade" is a very clunky way of saying "unskilled". "no prospects in sight" is (to me) and unusual term of phrase, "no prospects" is sufficient, the "in sight" bit is kind of redundant as that's implicit.

Is twenty a bit old to be in this kind of situation in ancient Greece? I don't know much about the period but it seems old to me. Shouldn't she be married with a few kids by now?

Her only use for the gods is their sanctuaries, where she can get a place to sleep at night, and a dim hope that a set of priests will accept her as one of theirs so that she has a foundation to work from.

Should gods be capitalised?

I like only use = sanctuary bit. The rest is a bit clunky "where she can get a place to sleep at night" could just be "a place to sleep" or something. We assume she sleeps at night.

The second part is just a bit "huh?" for me. Accepted as one of theirs? Does she want to be a priest? That kind of contradicts the no use for gods stuff. Foundation to work from? Towards what? Why would being accepted as one of the priest's be a foundation for anything?

I just find that whole bit confusing.

Something that might work better is if you go back to the priests and merchants bit from earlier. You've set up this city with priests and merchants. She's out on the streets with no skills.... what about god and trade? No, write them off with "her only use for god is X, her only use for trade is Y" to make it clear why the things the city has are no help to her?

On top of that, her curse is getting worse, and she’s no longer just fighting to survive, but to keep from slipping into madness as she slowly loses sight of the blurring line between herself and the thousands of Corinthian inhabitants.

This doesn't quite work because the relative stakes don't escalate. "just fighting to survive" is a big deal, I don't think you can trivialize it with a "just". If she loses that fight whether she goes nuts or not is irrelevant.

It might just be the word "just" here.... "On top of that" is OK a it is an additional problem.

Not sure about "curse is getting worse". Sounds a little odd to me. I think of a curse as an on and off thing. Maybe it's effects are getting worse. That might just be me.

Sometimes the difference between a gift and a curse isn’t all that different.

A fairly good punchline, but could do with a little more punch. I think you could do with naming her again here.

Possibly italics again to link it back with the definition at the beginning?

"isn't all that" is a little bit casual. Not a big problem but the tone felt a little off.

Phew. That's a lot of critique for a little blurb. Just want to say again that I did like it. The flow and introduction of elements of the story worked.

 

[DesertOfZin]

Hi Lyrebird, some good stuff here. It has an easy and relaxed pace.

My only problem is...

Sometimes the difference between a gift and a curse isn’t all that different.

Having "difference" and "different" so close seems to jar with me. If you have another way of saying it that doesn't spoil the flow of what went before?

I'd give some examples but I'm posting from work and really should get back to it...

 

[RodneyMcKay]

I like the sound of this story... because I like it you can send me a free copy when your done *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

 

[Lyrebyrd]

@Peter Graham: The story is actually being rewritten, since it was originally done by a semi-literate sixteen year old. The blurb was more a personal exercise of being able to a) catch a reader's attention, b) do it in a small number of words, and c) not give away too much. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be posting much (if any) more about it on the net (publishers can get picky, if I'm lucky enough to be considered at all).

@Mad Tam McC: It's a bit too subtle, but her 'curse' is also a 'gift' - and is described quite aptly in the definition at the start. It's quite a bit more than the modern use of empathy, though, since in her case it goes beyond simple understanding of body language. It, in fact, gets to the point that she experiences the sensations and feelings of everyone around her to the point that she's losing her mind. Thus gift = curse.

@Ash: Thank you! That's exactly what I needed! And no, I didn't get the impression you didn't like it, I got the impression you know how to edit just the way I like it. I'm thick-skinned, criticism makes me happy

@DesertOfZin: Good point, thank you.

@RodneyMcKay: We'll see Also, your name: Good show, prefer the original though.

 

[Mad Tam McC]

Ah - I see. I look forward to an update, then I might be able to find something to correct

 

[Peter Graham]

@Peter Graham: The story is actually being rewritten, since it was originally done by a semi-literate sixteen year old. The blurb was more a personal exercise of being able to a) catch a reader's attention, b) do it in a small number of words, and c) not give away too much. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be posting much (if any) more about it on the net (publishers can get picky, if I'm lucky enough to be considered at all).

Fair enough, but it's a bit of a shame, as I'd like to have seen some of the real thing.

I think Ash just about covered it. The only point I'd add would be to say that the second paragraph is perhaps a little unnecessary - the blurb needs to tell us about the action and our main character. I think that mentioning that the book is set in bustling 5th Century Corinth would be enough. The rest of that paragraph is really dramatic scene setting about Corinth which is, in many ways, what one would assuem anyway and which therefore doesn't have much to do with the basic precis.

Hope that helps.

Regards,

Peter

 

[Lyrebyrd]

It's great, thanks

 

[mosaix]

An interesting and well worked piece.

This didn't quite fit though - "a set of priests". I don't know what the collective noun is for priests but I'm sure it's not a 'set'.

'Brotherhood' maybe? That won't sound right either I don't think.

 

[Mad Tam McC]

An interesting and well worked piece.

This didn't quite fit though - "a set of priests". I don't know what the collective noun is for priests but I'm sure it's not a 'set'.

It is if they're ancient Egyptians!

 

[Barney]

Hello. My first thought was that a blurb needs to be very short. So this is how I would rewrite your blurb to be as concise as possible, but hopefully keep the essence of what you were saying. You ask for hack and slash, I will give it! But hopefully I haven’t thrown out babies with the bathwater.

Empathy: ability to imagine the feelings and experiences of another.

In the 5th century BC Corinth is a bustling metropolis. The harbour is congested with ships and traders, the streets are packed with people, merchants shouting their wares and priests conducting sacrifices to the gods. There is no place with so much chance for pleasure and entertainment as this city where Aphrodite holds sway.

To Mina, an expensive and skilled prostitute, Corinth is merciless. As she slowly loses sight of the blurring line between herself and the thousands of Corinthian inhabitants, her only hope is that the Gods will grant her some relief.

Sometimes there is little difference between a gift and a curse.

I presume the curse is the heightened empathy that you define in the first line. That would be why Mina finds it hard to live in a teeming city where there are so many people whose consciousness will intrude on her own.

If that is the case, you would have to question why someone so sensitive would work as a prostitute; surely she would get some very unpleasant projections then!
And I found the stuff about Mina getting in with some priests to “have a foundation to work from” quite vague. What priests? What does she want to do?
Doubtless this will be explained in the story, but goes beyond the (hopefully arresting) sketch a blurb should give. In my edit I trimmed it right down to a teaser.

To me the most striking elements of your blurb is the bustling, chaotic city, and your Mina character.

 

[timelord4]

Hi lyrebyrd,

Barney got in before me and got it spot on.

By blurb, do you mean synopsis or blurb for the cover letter to the agent/publisher? Either way, you may do well to look at what Barney has done up and expand on it. You have the setting, a little bit about the FMC and a nice subtle twitch with the plot. I'd leave the setting as it is, flesh out the character a little more and throw some more strands into the plot.

Looks promising though and the story sounds great. Historical fiction?

Anyway, good luck. You're doing great and have come to the right place for comments.

 

[scalem X]

Yeah it does look more like an outline than a blurb. I can only say the same as Timelord: Lookat Barney's rewrite, which is in general a good application of what all people before said.