My Story - Dawn of Fire

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RodneyMcKay

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Ok... so I am writing this story called "Dawn of Fire"
Basically, it is about these twenty eight teenager (Though the story focuses on six of them) who are teenage geniuses. They are from Australia, America, Britain, France, Malaysia, Scotland and Canada.

The Main Characters:
The first main character is Stephanie "Steph" Caprica. She is fifteen and is brilliant when it comes to science although she is also brilliant at everything else. She is in love with the Stargate TV series, particularly Stargate Atlantis (God Bless Her Soul). She is very pretentious and arrogant (snarky, sarcastic, funny...fantastic!). For most of the story she seems to be comic relief but she eventually shows that she puts it on. She is tutored by Rodney McCain, PhD.

The second character is Ingrid "Ingie" Arion, the teenage engineer. She is fifteen as well and has a very lonely sort of life before she meets Steph. She is quite and very family orientated (she seems to be about the only one not happy to have left). She starts out quite but soon becomes as loud as the rest. She is tutored by Dr Selene McCauley

The third main character is Merredith "Mez" Librion. She has good skills in biology and wants to be a doctor. Another fifteen year old, she is also secure in her family life. She however, wants to escape family pressures. She is basically the support that the other characters sometimes need. She is tutored by Dr Karl Bennet

The fourth main character is Elly Saggiria. She is the top notch athlete with the ability to remember vast amounts of informatin. 15 and dislike people who dislike sport until she gets to know some of the other girls. Her and Steph become enemies when Steph says she is "a mindless robot". She is tutored by Maj. John Fletcher.

The fifth and sixth characters go hand in hand, Edwina "Eddy" Leonin and Samantha "Sammy" Aquinon are inseprable (I can't bear to even write them seperate).They are both fifteen and excell at Social Studies. They have a mental connection so they both have the same thoughts. They are more support characters really but they play a vitally important roles in the story. They are tutored by Prof. Jane Harrison.

The Storyline:
Basically these teenage geniuses are taken to the Andromeda Galaxy where they are taught in their specified area's.
Each of the teenagers has a special gift. e.g. Steph can see into the future. Which their tutors believe is part of their genetic make up. They believe these girls are desended from the planet builders (Dijari), in particular the twelve leaders (Named after the starsigns in case you didn't notice).
Only some of the teenagers powers are manifested though and some of the teenagers have only the potential to use these powers.
The world they arrive on is the homeworld of the Dijari. However, the ship is destroyed (unintionally) so they become stranded in the ancient city of the Dijari.
The "Super Objective" of the characters is to get home. There are many minor objective based on current situation "We found ships, let's explore nearby planets." sort of situations. I won't tell you how it ends (you probably think you know, but you're wrong.)

Quotes (For Your Enjoyment):
"McCain, I have something important to tell you. I have just discovered that all the people of Gerjod have been overwhelmed with the irresistible urge to run on a small wheel." Steph said. She swung around on her chair and flew backwards "Woo wa! I told you using a mouse retrovirus was a bad idea."
McCain frowned at her "Caprica, are making fun of my stubble?"

Dr Bennet shook his head at Merredith "The only thing that will fire up is you most likely."
"Let's not take that attitude." Merredith said

"McCain, how did it go." Dr Holland asked as the doctor stepped out of the Skyleaper.
"Fine..." he snapped "Until teenage genius here desided to teach the Gerjod the words to 'Blame Canada'"
Steph stepped out a huge grin plastered on her face.
 
Hello Rodney,


They are from Australia, America, Britain, France, Malaysia, Scotland and Canada.

Pedantic aside: Scotland is part of Britain.
The Main Characters:
The first main character is Stephanie "Steph" Caprica. She is fifteen and is brilliant when it comes to science although she is also brilliant at everything else. She is in love with the Stargate TV series, particularly Stargate Atlantis (God Bless Her Soul). She is very pretentious and arrogant (snarky, sarcastic, funny...fantastic!). For most of the story she seems to be comic relief but she eventually shows that she puts it on. She is tutored by Rodney McCain, PhD.


The second character is Ingrid "Ingie" Arion, the teenage engineer. She is fifteen as well and has a very lonely sort of life before she meets Steph. She is quite and very family orientated (she seems to be about the only one not happy to have left). She starts out quite but soon becomes as loud as the rest. She is tutored by Dr Selene McCauley

The third main character is Merredith "Mez" Librion. She has good skills in biology and wants to be a doctor. Another fifteen year old, she is also secure in her family life. She however, wants to escape family pressures. She is basically the support that the other characters sometimes need. She is tutored by Dr Karl Bennet

The fourth main character is Elly Saggiria. She is the top notch athlete with the ability to remember vast amounts of informatin. 15 and dislike people who dislike sport until she gets to know some of the other girls. Her and Steph become enemies when Steph says she is "a mindless robot". She is tutored by Maj. John Fletcher.

The fifth and sixth characters go hand in hand, Edwina "Eddy" Leonin and Samantha "Sammy" Aquinon are inseprable (I can't bear to even write them seperate).They are both fifteen and excell at Social Studies. They have a mental connection so they both have the same thoughts. They are more support characters really but they play a vitally important roles in the story. They are tutored by Prof. Jane Harrison.


This all sounds fine, but I think you will need to watch out for a huge potential elephant trap. Six young women of identical age and intelligence, each with their own academic adult baghwan, might cause characterisation issues. You'll need to be careful to distinguish the gels by more than just the odd superficial trait - one liking sport, one liking marmite or whatever, otherwise you run the risk that they will all look the same to the reader, which in turn will weaken the story. The same goes for the tutors.


In your "quotes" section, there are early signs of this problem - the three characters quoted are all apparently portrayed as mischievous, "sassy" and slightly irreverent. I appreciate that the quotes are taken out of context, but I'd really watch out for this developing further and running the whole project onto a sandbar.

Multiple lead characters are always hard to do, especially if they have so much in common from the start. "Heroes" is a good current example of how multiple characters can be made to work (but bear in mind that we are still on the first season over here). Each one has their own special ability (rather like your own characters) but, on top of that, each one has a strong and distinct back story - marital break-up, family strife, isolation, death and the usual collection of skeletons rattling around in cupboards.



McCain frowned at her "Caprica, are

you?

making fun of my stubble?"

Dr Bennet shook his head at Merredith "The only thing that will fire up is you most likely."
"Let's not take that attitude." Merredith said


"Let's not take that attitude", said Merredith.

"McCain, how did it go." Dr Holland asked as the doctor

Too many doctors!

stepped out of the Skyleaper.
"Fine..." he snapped "Until teenage genius here desided to teach the Gerjod the words to 'Blame Canada'"



Steph stepped out
a huge grin plastered on her face.


Either "Steph stepped out with a huge grin......" or "Steph stepped out, a huge grin...."

Regards

Peter
 
Does it end with a pillow fight, ritual combat or the girls putting on a musical to save the world?

As a premise for a book or series of books I think it's an interesting plot. It's sounds like it would work best a children's or young adult book. There's obviously a lot more fantasy than sci-fi in this area, but there is a gifted kids + sci-fi tradition (Tomorrow People, Nicholas Fisk etc) I have fond memories of. As you're probably aware Australia has a strong tradition in teenage sci-fi TV.

I'd drop the Stargate and South Park references though. A bit topical and not necessarily something the audience would be familiar with.
 
Why do you have to take them extra-galactic? I have an automatic cut-out switch for stories that go that large, unless there is a very large civilisation taking up at least an appreciable portion of our spiral arm, while here all the participants come from one little planet (a nice little planet, admittedly) which suggests they haven't fully colonised their local cluster yet, let alone explored the immediate spiral arm; a couple of orders of magnitudes more of real estate doesn't really give anything more except fashionability.

unintionally,desended,informatin; you had your spell check turned off. And it wouldn't have picked up "quite" for "quiet" anyway. Sorry, I know I wasn't supposed to be doing that sort of analysis in this thread; I don't seem to be able to turn it off.
 
Sorry about this but I had an immediate problem with "Steph", "Ingie", "Mez" and "Eddy". It really irritated me.
 
You see... all the characters are based on real people i know... in a lot of cases I have used their first names and also their nick names

By the by... you left out Sammy... was that on purpose?

No - I just missed that one.

It just grated with me - I can't see why you can't use either the first name or the nick name. Once or twice in a piece may be OK but five times seems to be an affectation.

Nothing personal Rodney, it just stopped me enjoying the piece. :)
 
Hi Rodney,

You see... all the characters are based on real people i know... in a lot of cases I have used their first names and also their nick names

If we assume from this that the gels are teenagers in real life, I imagine it's safe to assume that you are roughly the same age as them. In which case, you are going to be a very good writer and I take my hat off to you!

If I am right, I will go one step further and suggest that you have something of a soft spot for the real life Steph.

Steady as you go......

Regards,

Peter
 
Hi Rodney,
If I am right, I will go one step further and suggest that you have something of a soft spot for the real life Steph.

This is funny you see...
Yes... I am the same age...
Anything in particular made you say I like Steph?
Just curiosity kicking in now

Thanks for the compliment by the by
 
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No - I just missed that one.

It just grated with me - I can't see why you can't use either the first name or the nick name. Once or twice in a piece may be OK but five times seems to be an affectation.

Nothing personal Rodney, it just stopped me enjoying the piece. :)

That's cool... I understand what your getting at... they usually just go by their nicknames
 
unintionally,desended,informatin; you had your spell check turned off. And it wouldn't have picked up "quite" for "quiet" anyway. Sorry, I know I wasn't supposed to be doing that sort of analysis in this thread; I don't seem to be able to turn it off.
Just goes to show how bad at spelling I can be :D What would I do without spellcheck?
 
Hi Rodney,

She is fifteen and is brilliant when it comes to science although she is also brilliant at everything else. She is in love with the Stargate TV series, particularly Stargate Atlantis (God Bless Her Soul). She is very pretentious and arrogant (snarky, sarcastic, funny...fantastic!).

It wasn't so very difficult, my dear chap. You tell us that she is brilliant at everything, you invite God to bless her soul and you sum her up as "fantastic". Now, one of two things is going on - either, like Thomas Hardy's "Tess of the D'Urbervilles", you have created a character so strong that you have a genuine regard for her notwithstanding that she is your literary creation, or, alternatively, she is not a literary creation at all. Meaning that she is either your current girlfriend or (as I suspect is perhaps even more likely) the person who you'd like to be your current girlfriend!

But you write jolly well for someone of your age. I'd just be a bit wary about telling the real Steph, at least until you are published author of great notoriety. Otherwise, you might not quite get the reaction you would hope for......

Regards,

Peter
 
Rodney,

Yes I am a girl.

Not that I mind being thought of as a guy... it's not the worst thing
Pretty funny actually...

she is a strong character though isn't she

Well, you caught me out! I thought it had "teenage crush" written all over it. But then again, it is a long time since I was a teenager.

Unsurprisingly, it was your name and your strapline photo that made me think you were a bloke. That and the comments you make in your profile section - all sounded like the sort of thing a bloke would say.

Steph is a strong character, but you might wan tto be carfeul she doesn't become a Buffy clone. You know the sort of thing - sassy, sarcastic, wisecracking. And a slayer.

Regards

Peter
 
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