Am I improving? Immortal Earth

[Deathpool]

The corridor was dark, lit only by the glowing veins of firestone that ran like cracks along the walls. There was a distinct smell on the air; stale, burnt, sulphurous. Only fitting, thought Sarmon, that the master of the underworld would inhabit such a hellish place. Marcus had summoned him, and so he had come into his realm. As master of life and keeper of the keys to hell, he was one of the few who were able to walk here unescorted.

The corridor widened at the entrance of the great hall. Sarmon was surprised by how many had answered the call; tier upon tier of Immortals filled the hall, the cavernous expanse echoing with their chattering. He looked around curiously. The master of fear was there, as always occupying his own little island of space - no other Immortal sat within an arm's length of where he was quietly looking at his dark, red, skin that allowed him to merge involuntarily with other beings.

A few rows behind him were shadows on the wall, trying to look inconspicuous; Sarmon had never had any trouble seeing through the master of disguises' glamours except when she was mimicking another person, animal, or projecting illusions.

At the front of the hall, Marcus held court. He nodded when he saw Sarmon come in. Sarmon returned the gesture and took the seat in the first tier the master of objects graciously vacated for him. Marcus cleared his throat, and the hall quieted.

The floating globes of light that hung above there heads dimmed one by one, until only a single shaft shone down on the master of the underworld. 'Let us begin,' he said. ‘We have some infestation amongst us called the humans. We must remove that infestation.’ A deafening roar of applause followed. Marcus cleared his throat and the hall quieted. “Now. Once we destroy those humans Earth is ours and we’ll live a peaceful eternity. Dismissed.” A roar of applause followed.

There was swooshing followed by a crash. “What was that,” asked Jacob. “James and Curtis,” replied Janet grinning from her shadows. “Whoa,” screamed Jacob. “No James. Not the ceiling.” He closed his waiting for the inevitable impact.

In contrast to the depths of the underworld, the daylight was blinding with light. The chattering and laughing of people on the beach greeted him, so he opened his eyes. What a perfect time, Jacob thought, to start torturing the humans.

Groups of teenagers were just getting in the water. “Hey Tim, catch me if you can,” said Jeff grinning as he began swimming out to sea. Jeff was in the water in an instant. “Hey wouldn’t it be your lucky day if a shark got you,” said Jeff. “Quit joking like that you’re scaring me,” Tim retorting. “Your remember jaws don’t,” asked Jeff. “There’s a shark.” A fin was rising out of the water and than disappeared beneath the surface. “Tim,” screamed Jeff at the top of his lungs. “A shark.”

Tim was struck by a sudden fear he had never felt before. There loomed the monster shark. When it opened its mouth, he could see its razor sharp teeth. Its breath smelled like burning wood and ashes. Its eyes were like fire. A feign, thought Tim, from hell.

The shark’s mouth was closing upon him as he was placing his hand on his chest. As he sank below the surface, he blacked out. When he opened his eyes, he was inside a large room. A man whose body was made of solid rock sat in a chair in the corner reading. Tim could see his huge bulky frame. How strong, Tim thought, and indestructible he looked.

I copied this from Microsoft word, so one part doesn't look quite right.

 

[Ash]

I skimmed the first couple of lines and thought "well I haven't read anything else by this guy so how do I know if he's improving or not".... then later on I realised I had read this before. But it's completely different now.

That's a long winded way of saying YES. A massive improvement, you're definitely on the right track. Don't have time to critique it now beyond that, still some issues. I'll try and come back to it.

 

[timelord4]

Yes, this is really good now. Heaps of improvements and all excellent. Keep on track here and you'll be fine, Deathpool.

 

[Ash]

Here we goooooooo

Only fitting, thought Sarmon, that the master of the underworld would inhabit such a hellish place.

This is a simple concise sentence that does loads of things at once... introduces a character (and makes reference to a second). Links the previous description to the story. Sets the tone. All implied rather than just simply stating it as you did in the previous version. Thumbs up.

Are these various titles official? I read master of the underworld and it looks like it should be Master of the Underworld to me. But.... I'm not sure which is correct so you might want to check it out.

The corridor widened at the entrance of the great hall.....

Again this next passage is so much better. We see what Sarmon sees rather than having the place described to us. You get the information out in a way that involves us a lot more.

and the hall quieted.

quieted? quietened? grew quieter? Not sure what's best there. What you have doesn't sound right to me.

The floating globes of light that hung above there heads dimmed one by one, until only a single shaft shone down on the master of the underworld. 'Let us begin,' he said. ‘We have some infestation amongst us called the humans. We must remove that infestation.’ A deafening roar of applause followed. Marcus cleared his throat and the hall quieted. “Now. Once we destroy those humans Earth is ours and we’ll live a peaceful eternity. Dismissed.” A roar of applause followed.

This speech seems a little underwhelming given the size of the gathering. I'm also wondering why they want to get rid of the humans. Doesn't the Master of Fear need people to fear him unless he's out of a job? etc. Maybe we find out in time.

There was swooshing followed by a crash. “What was that,” asked Jacob. “James and Curtis,” replied Janet grinning from her shadows. “Whoa,” screamed Jacob. “No James. Not the ceiling.” He closed his waiting for the inevitable impact.

I have no idea what's going on here? The next paragraph begins with a change of scene. This sits between the two and I don't know where it's set or who these people are or what's happening!

the daylight was blinding with light.

Clumsy. There must be a better way of saying this.

Groups of teenagers were just getting in the water. “Hey Tim, catch me if you can,” said Jeff grinning as he began swimming out to sea. Jeff was in the water in an instant. “Hey wouldn’t it be your lucky day if a shark got you,” said Jeff. “Quit joking like that you’re scaring me,” Tim retorting. “Your remember jaws don’t,” asked Jeff. “There’s a shark.” A fin was rising out of the water and than disappeared beneath the surface. “Tim,” screamed Jeff at the top of his lungs. “A shark.”

You need to work on formatting for dialogue. Check out other books or pick up a guide or something. Putting it all together like this makes it hard to follow.

Retorting isn't the right word... retorted I guess, but it's not a good word for this context either. Retorts tend to be witty or caustic, what you have is just a reply.

Capital for Jaws as it's a title. You're missing a couple of question marks and "A shark" could do with an explanation mark.

The shark’s mouth was closing upon him as he was placing his hand on his chest. As he sank below the surface, he blacked out.

When he opened his eyes, he was inside a large room. A man whose body was made of solid rock sat in a chair in the corner reading. Tim could see his huge bulky frame. How strong, Tim thought, and indestructible he looked.

This gets a bit like a list again. He did, this, he did that, he was doing this. I think you need to take a bit more time over it. We aren't aware of the significance of any of the actions. I mean we may get to find out what happened later, why he was placing his hand on his chest etc, but at the moment it just seems like a series of random unconnected actions and events.

In general your prose is loads better, but I think it would be worth taking more time and expanding the two scenes a little. The first, for example, strikes me an important and significant event, but even though it's presenter better we're still not getting much in the way of details, setting and explanation.

All that said, a huge step in the right direction.

 

[Culhwch]

This is a simple concise sentence that does loads of things at once... introduces a character (and makes reference to a second). Links the previous description to the story. Sets the tone. All implied rather than just simply stating it as you did in the previous version. Thumbs up.

I'm glad you like it. I wrote it...

Deathpool, when I rewrote that paragraph in response to your first post I intended it as a simple example on how you could expand upon your ideas, not for you to whack it whole into your second draft. As I said there, I would be very surprised if my imaginings resembled in any way your own - I didn't even think they stuck that closely to what was on the page. Take the example, look at what can be done and then apply those principles to your rewrite. Make it your own. You won't learn anything otherwise.

There are improvements in the piece as a whole. Keep at it. Read as much as you can and pay attention to how your favourite authors write - not only the basic storytelling but the formatting - dialogue, paragraphs, setence structure.

 

[Ash]

I'm glad you like it. I wrote it.

Well then I guess you get the thumbs up. Heh.

 

[Deathpool]

I was trying to use it as a guide, though I guess it went overboard. Shows what happens when one's been reading the wrong writting tips for so long. One of them was to avoid was.

 

[sarakoth]

The storytelling is quite good but your grammar needs serious improvement. I suggest a grammar handbook or a writing guide of some sort. You have to work on the basics before even considering improving more advanced skills like narration, character development, etc.