Homebrew Description of Tirill

[Pravuil]

IGNORE THE FACT THAT THIS HAS TO DUE WITH AN RPG. I HAVE POSTED THIS ON MULTIPLE BOARDS, SCROLL DOWN TO BOTTOM IN ORDER TO READ THE TEXT AND AVOID ALL THIS FLUFF.


So far my homebrew game is going unexpectedly great. Soon they will be venturing to the city of Tirill, a centre of commerce on the vast plains. I am not sure if my players will like my descriptions, so I am posting it here in order to produce more critique. So far I have received some pretty nice replies but I am still not sure, as people lie most often to save others feelings and the very perception of one's creative work. Please note that I do not want this being used in any official material, however I give anyone full consent to use this in there own homebrew games if they need to add a new ambiance or venture into a site of interest to add flavor to your game. Where the excerpt says "The Heatherly City", I am well aware this is a flaw, as Heather would grow more in a more colder plains environ. If anyone has any suggestions as to what I should give as a byname to Tirill please refer this to me in a post. Also keep in mind this prose was written in first-person perspective to better convey the message to my players, as is fit for most Rpg's.


"For no less than fifteen minutes now you have been climbing a gradual slope, a mere dot on the vast plainsland. Your only company during this prolonged climb has been the dull thump of your heavily-trodden soles striking a set of stairs that have been masterfully carven into the hillside. These stairs are known and spoken of by travelers far and wide, serving as a landmark of sorts for travelers and merchants, indicating to there kind that Tirril is near. These stairs stretch a great distance so as to guide traveler's from the periphery of the flaxen gold plains to the threshold of Tirril's splendors. It is also commonly known that as you venture closer to Tirill the path is less weathered by the elements, as city official's are constantly deploying laborers to uphold the exactingly long routes. And there is not a question as to why the stairs are so highly regarded, as they are rustic yet have a simple elegance all there own. Crafted in the likeness of Tirril's architecture, a testimony to the "Heatherly City's" diversity and economy. The path doesn't make the journey any less strenous however, as you can now verify from the throbbing ache in your calfs and the sweat beading off your face. The summit of the hill is now within sight and the feel of relief from worldly commodity's becomes an almost tangible force, the thought of bathing in cool spring water and sampling fare from the farthest reaches of Sicoria driving you further."

 

[The Bloated One]

IGNORE THE FACT THAT THIS HAS TO DUE WITH AN RPG. I HAVE POSTED THIS ON MULTIPLE BOARDS, SCROLL DOWN TO BOTTOM IN ORDER TO READ THE TEXT AND AVOID ALL THIS FLUFF.

I have absolutely no idea what this means...

The Bloated One...

 

[Pravuil]

It means what it says, read what is in italics and disregard the first paragraph.

 

[Peter Graham]

Pravuil,

I'm not entirely sure what you are looking for, here. Are you writing an RPG "module", or are you planning on turning this into a piece of prose? If the former, you're probably in the wrong place. If the latter...

"For no less than fifteen minutes now you have been climbing a gradual slope, a mere dot on the vast plainsland. Your only company during this prolonged climb has been the dull thump of your heavily-trodden soles

This image doesn't work. What is a heavily trodden sole? Do you mean a worn-out bootsole or the heavy footfall of a tired, trudging character?

striking a set of stairs that have been masterfully carven

"..which had been carved masterfully..."

into the hillside. These stairs are known and spoken of by travelers far and wide, serving as a landmark of sorts

I am not sure what a "landmark of sorts" would be. They are either a landmark or they aren't. Judging by your decription, I'd have thought the huge hill rising from the plains would be the real landmark.

for travelers and merchants, indicating to there

their

kind that Tirril

Just an aside - Tirril is the name of a little village not far from where I live. The pub there brews its own beer, so I did chuckle when I saw you talking about Tirril and homebrew in the same passage...

is near. These stairs stretch a great distance so as to guide traveler's from the periphery of the flaxen gold plains

Flaxen hair is golden, but flax fields are blue. So unles they are growing hair on the plains, you might want to change this image.

to the threshold of Tirril's splendors. It is also commonly known that as you venture closer to Tirill the path is less weathered by the elements, as city official's

Grocer's apostrophe! "Officials" is just a plural and doesn't need an apostrophe.

are constantly deploying laborers to uphold the exactingly long routes.

"Exactingly" is wrong. Tortuously???? And I'm wondering how merchant caravans get their stuff into the city.

And there is not a question as to why the stairs are so highly regarded, as they are rustic yet have a simple elegance all there

their

own. Crafted in the likeness of Tirril's architecture, a testimony to the "Heatherly City's" diversity and economy.

You guessed this, but heather is a moorland plant. It grows on poor quality, thin upland soils. It is not a plant of the plains.

The summit of the hill is now within sight and the feel of relief from worldly commodity's becomes an almost tangible force

I'm afraid that this image doesn't make sense. I think you are possibly misusing (and misspelling) the word "commodities". And "commodity's" is another grocer's apostrophe, I'm afraid. Only use an apostrophe to note the possessive - "John's car" - or to denote a missing letter - "you're tall".

Regards,

Peter

 

[Pravuil]

Thank you very much Peter. When I first read your feedback I took it with a pinch of salt, but your response is much better than the atypical ones I have been receiving. Others liked my prose but clearly it is not your thing. And it is kind of ironic that Tirril is an actual place, but oh well. And thank you for clearing up the "flaxen" aspect of my story, I had not an inkling flaxen meant blue for a field. And yes, this is designed to fit into the context of an Rpg. Looks like I have alot to correct, so until then goodbye.

 

[svalbard]

Never mind, Peter, that is a Celtic term. In jest though, his observations are spot on. But I disagree with a few of his points. 'heavily trodden sole' is quite clear to my viewing, heavy footing. Heather is indeed plant of highlands, but in a adventure/rpg scenario you can use it in any way you want to. The rules are lax.

Back to your prose. Why not turn this into a story? Your writing is good enough. The only thing that you is the depth of a story. If this is an active rpg then you have the story there in front of you.

 

[svalbard]

The in jest part of the last post was meant for the preceding sentence.

 

[Pravuil]

I do indeed plan on turning some of my materials into a story, but I needed a paragraph to satiate my groups needs and this is what I advented. The Rpg in question is Dnd and Tirill is part of my campaign setting. My only problem is Dnd can only go so far, and when I start to actually write my text I will focus on a real book instead of first-person excerpts designed to bay my gaming groups desires. Seeing as most other forums loved this work I might convert Tirill into a city within my own book instead of an Rpg. That is what I tend to do, create material as my group slowly advances and add on to my world little by litte, saving the information that basally transgresses the bounds of what is really worthy for an Rpg (Many players will disregard the flavor text) and incorporate it within my freelance world. I am well aware what heather is, but for some reason a plant of a colder planes setting was on my mind, and so I am simply using "Heather" as a placeholder until I either research some more on plains or until someone suggests a byname for Tirill. Note that the name doesn't have to involve anything about vegetation or the plains, but does have to cut to the esscence of what I am trying to convey through this text. Thank you all for the considerate feedback, also an individual thanks to Svalbard for clearing up the "Heavily trodden soles" excerpt. I had a paragraph written and I was about to respond to that complaint but my browser closed and I did not feel the impulse to rewrite everything I had just written.

 

[timelord4]

Yep, it's either a book or an RPG.

An RPG explanation usually comes in the form of a world or character overview. What you are creating here is a book. Also, the only setting descriptions to an RPG comes in the form of In troduction to Parts or an overall synopsis.

But don't get me wrong...I love the piece. It's your mindset that's atilt here. You think RPG but you have written as though it is a book.

I think from your own comments you are starting to come to a realisation that your work is good enough to put into book form. Go for it brother...you show the talent, capacity and now lets look at the energy. Drive on...

TL.

 

[Pravuil]

Thank you alot. Also, my mindset is a bit askance when it comes to Rpg's, however I made it so on purpose. I get tired of hack-and-slash players and GM's who do not describe, and so my games play more like an immersive book, a quality I have been told is much wanted in the contemporary Paper and pencil Rpg realm.