[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Hello all. I wouldn't exactly say I was a regular writer (Im more of a plotter who never gets round to putting the damn thing on paper) but I have been known been known to put the pen to task. Silly short stories or parodies of existing authors to fill in the time at school, but a few months back I had a crack at actually writing something serious. I wouldn't say that I have any intentions of finishing it as a novel and wrote is mainly as a writing exercise.
I was wondering if any of the more experienced creative writers would be able to give me any stylistic pointers, or show me were I've gone wrong? An help would be greatly appreciated.
The fires burnt the darkness from the night sky. Flickering orange covered everything from the gates at the front of the palace to the river where the outlines of boats could be seen floating, motionless on the freezing water. Beneath the haze of smoke and behind each torchlight stood men, women and children. The flames they held marked them against the shrouding darkness, magnifying the stand they were making. The streets of the city were marked out in orange, the tracks of the flames weaving in out the fallen statues, bodies and barricades. The pathways the blaze walked all led to the gates of the palace where the mass had congregated. Carcasses of war machines littered the streets, they too burned at the feet of the mobs fury. The mass hysteria of a few days before had abated, the fury was now being directed at the palace, its grandeur still unfailing as the crowd repeatedly tried to surge at its gates, were broken by the soldiers surrounding it but still kept coming. Above the mass of flame, hate and revolution the eyes in the palace saw all.[/FONT]
I was wondering if any of the more experienced creative writers would be able to give me any stylistic pointers, or show me were I've gone wrong? An help would be greatly appreciated.
The fires burnt the darkness from the night sky. Flickering orange covered everything from the gates at the front of the palace to the river where the outlines of boats could be seen floating, motionless on the freezing water. Beneath the haze of smoke and behind each torchlight stood men, women and children. The flames they held marked them against the shrouding darkness, magnifying the stand they were making. The streets of the city were marked out in orange, the tracks of the flames weaving in out the fallen statues, bodies and barricades. The pathways the blaze walked all led to the gates of the palace where the mass had congregated. Carcasses of war machines littered the streets, they too burned at the feet of the mobs fury. The mass hysteria of a few days before had abated, the fury was now being directed at the palace, its grandeur still unfailing as the crowd repeatedly tried to surge at its gates, were broken by the soldiers surrounding it but still kept coming. Above the mass of flame, hate and revolution the eyes in the palace saw all.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Onek Kyh watched the scene below him from the opulence of the throne rooms gilded windows. A ragged and tatty coat was clasped around his body, its insignia now indistinct against the grey hue. The medals which once hung at his breast now were stashed in his pocket. Their brilliant golds had long faded and they felt like a dead weight dragging him down towards the hordes below. He shivered and turned away from the windows to survey the room around him. A picked animal carcass was lying in the corner, all the flesh stripped from its bones, smashed tables and chairs littered the room, dirty sheets masquerading as beds lined the walls, all that wasn't touched by the filth and squalor was a door set aside leading to the next chamber. A fire burnt in the hearth which served as the one source of heat in the room. A circle of soldiers sat around the fire staring into it transfixed. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Kyhs hard eyes fell upon the circle. His lined face was dirty and strained, his hair now long and greying fell about his shoulders, the shadows from the fire accentuated his the scars on his face, made all the more worse by the months of malnourishment his company had been subjected to. Despite his faded appearance, Onek Kyh's presence alone held the room together. It took but a few seconds for them to raise their eyes from the hypnotizing glare of the flames and meet his sad stare. Kyh stepped forward fully into the light, the men looked up into his eyes and sat up straight and at attention.[/FONT]
“[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]This is the end. There is nothing left to protect besides what lies behind the door that we are not allowed to enter. There is nothing left of ourselves. You have a task to do, I have another” Kyh glanced across the faces of the men he was addressing. Their faces revealed nothing. “The fires of revolution will continue to burn until there is nothing left to destroy. We are but the kindling to this fire. But kindling has a duty. I have a duty.We all have a duty. If I die today I will die willingly knowing that I have played my part the only way I could have played it to, right to the end, not faltering in the face of whatever was thrown my way” Kyh reached into his pocket and pulled out an arm band, he extended to the man sitting opposite him who's gaze was more penetrating than the rest and pressed it into his palm. “ I am giving this to you because I know you will do your duty to.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Kyh stepped away from the circle of the light. Turned his back on his men and started walking towards the door. It was his time, his moment and he had earnt it. The sounds of gun shots emanated from the gateway below, metal could be heard getting torn from the gates as Kyh put his hand on the door knob, opening it and then stepping inside.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]A handful of people stood inside the room. A huddle of children clamored around an old nurse who despite the situation, remained icily calm. A man and a woman stood away from them, but they to were cradling a baby in their arms. The man was dressed in regal finery, his face lighted bearded and his eyes though full of love for the child, seemed tired and glossed over, as though he was looking straight through it. The woman, once beautiful had an old glamour about her, but that had faded like the affluence of the palace room. Dirty sheets littered this room as well, the smell of rotting food hung in the air and rats could be heard scurrying about the remains of a once grand dining table, now stripped bare and masked by decay.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The man took his eyes from the child and looked towards Kyh, who stood motionless in the doorway. He beckoned Kyh forward with the tired inclination of a man who'd seen it all before and had grown tired of the madness that comes with formality. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Kyh stepped carefully into the room, avoiding a fallen, now broken bust with a quick side step as he approached the man. Kyh fell to one knee and bowed.[/FONT]
“[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Abidan, you have called and I have come. I am ready to do what you ask of me”[/FONT]
“[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Thank you Kyh” The man Abidan motioned for Kyh to rise, who obliged and continued to look Abidan in the eye as he rose. Abidan licked his lips which were dry and cracked as he reached over to his wifes arms and removed the baby who was asleep from them, there was reluctance in the women's arms, Kyh could see her straining slightly, not letting go but Abidan reasserted his strength and gently prised the child from her. [/FONT]
“[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]This is our Tahna, our secret. She was born but a few days ago. They don't know about her” He gestured to the front of the palace and the braying mob outside.[/FONT]
“[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is the end of our time, the old ways are finished and I cannot stop what is willed by the people. When they breach the gates they will kill every member of the family, they will kill our servants and they will kill our bloodline dead. This child must live through that. You will take her kyh, you will protect her.”[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]At mention of the child he shook her in his arms and she was dragged out of her slumber. She began to cry and her arms reached out to her mother who couldn't meet anybodys eyes but the childs. She reached out cooing to the baby and took her into her arms for the last time.[/FONT]
“[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Ssssh, don't cry, it'll be alright” Tears began to form in her eyes as the baby fell silent.[/FONT]
“[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Her true name is Amarva, but you will raise her under another. A boat is waiting kyh, you know the way” Abidan took the baby from his wifes arms once more and placed a kiss on the childs forehead, his wife did the same. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Kyh took the baby into his own arms, she was light and he held her easily. He gave one last look at the king and queen and the dynasty around them that had fallen. [/FONT]
“[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Thank you for my chance to live” Kyh rasped, his eyes flicked away from Abidans for the first time and feel towards the floor as he walked away towards the passage that would lead to the jetty. Kyh saw the queen fall into her husbands arms, tears were now streaming down both of their faces as they held one another tightly. The children looked on confused, only the aged nurse showed any signs of understanding, tears were falling down her cheeks as well.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Kyh took the pathway down to the jetty slowly, making sure he didn't trip. In the night the jetty was covered in melancholy shade, stars glinted of the waters surface and the sounds of the crowd at the front gates was faint and indistinct. The boat was small, big enough for two and would take them as far as they needed to go. Kyh knew where they going and what they would have to do to get there. He fight every step of the way to honour his word to the last true kings of the world. He laid the child in a ready made cot in the boats cabin, he unroped it from the jetty and kicked away ready to sail. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]As the water carried them through the waterways and beside the fires fading across the city, they left their world.
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