Dragon Flame, checking perspective and need critique

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Damiynn

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I am a fantasy author, who has traveled the world.

Chapter 3
Crossgate
The large trees standing over the path in front of the seven had interlocked and intertwined their limbs in such a way that they had formed a woven blanket of branches overhead. Their trunks were so close together that they formed a sort of tunnel or hallway through the woods. As they stepped upon the stone path leading between the tightly intertwined trees, a slight grey mist seemed to spring up out of the earth. Tendrils of thick gray fog wrapped around their ankles.

“Now that is an impressive special effect.” said Darby admiringly as they all watched the mist thicken around their lower legs as if it were alive.

The farther they walked along the stone path the more twisted and tangled the trees grew. The mist also grew thicker, so much so that it was impossible to see farther than a few feet either in front of or behind. Their path took a slight turn and they followed it around. Stopping they stared wide eyed at what appeared to be a glowing light, pulsating in front of them where the interwoven trees met and the path ended.

As one they stopped several feet away from the glowing light, each carefully studying it. Jared finally turned and faced the other six, saying, “We don’t have to go through here if any of you don’t want to, we can turn around and go back.”

“Ohh no we can’t.” said David shaking his head emphatically from side to side. “The dungeon seekers have already gone through and I have no intention of letting them beat us again or walk away with part of my money!”

Both Kevynn and Marcella nodded in agreement with the short Italians statement.

Jared turned to Darby, Bryce and Simeon. Darby was praying and after she was finished she nodded her head. Bryce didn’t respond at all, instead he focused on Simeon. The tall dark haired young man was intently studying the glowing light. After several long moments contemplating, Simeon leaned in and stuck his arm into the light.

Everyone watched wide eyed as his arm disappeared all the way up to his shoulder. Where the light seemed to start, Simeon’s arm ended. After a few moments he pulled his arm out with an amazed expression on his face.

That same expression crossed all of their faces as they stared at his armor covered arm.

“What the hell,” Kevynn started to say, but his voice faded away at the sight.

Snowflakes covered Simeon’s arm.

“I don’t know what’s going on here,” he told them warily, eyeing the glowing light. “But it is really cold on the other side.”

“That’s impossible!” said David disbelievingly. “It can’t be, not even illusion can change the temperature.”

Simeon held up his snow covered arm.
David still not quite believing his eyes, stepped up to the glowing light and thrust his own arm into it. An amazed expression crossed his mediterranean features. “You’re right,” he said eyes wide. “It is freezing.” His expression changed, and he began to say, “What the…” but his words were cut off. They watched his eyes go wide with fear just before he was yanked off of his feet and pulled through the light.

“Damn it!” cursed Kevynn loudly. Moving faster than the others could react, he whipped out his broad bladed sword and threw himself through the glowing light.

Jared and the rest looked at one another, then Bryce voiced their opinions by saying, “We can’t let them do it alone, let’s do this.”

The remaining five nodded, drew out their weapons and followed, stepping through the light.

Unseen by the last, two pairs of eyes belonging to the hosts of the tournament watched. The taller one made a note on his long parchment with his feathered quill pen.
* * *

The first thing they noticed as they stepped through the light was the biting cold of a winter storm swirling about them. Jared threw up his hand to keep them from blinding him. The second thing was the hacked up dead bodies lying in the snow at their feet and the absence of trees.

Jared immediately looked around for the missing members and spotted David being held up in the air. His arm, in the grasp of a creature imagined from a fantasy book.

It was humanoid but after that the resemblance ended. The creature was larger than Jared and he wasn’t a small man. It had a huge head with a low hanging brow shadowing two small yellow eyes. Its lower jaw jutted out in front of its top, revealing brown stained thick pointed tusks. The creature’s body was heavy with thick ropy muscle and short coarse black hair. Its small eyes were trying to focus on David who it held in one hand and at trying to keep Kevynn and his wide bladed sword at bay with a spiked club the size of a small tree trunk that it swung with surprising quickness. It bled from several cuts where its mismatched armor didn’t cover, and wasn’t succeeding very well against the weapons master. Jared saw that it could still hurt David if it wanted too.

The only thing helping the creature was that it was accidentally using the short Italian as a shield, preventing Kevynn from getting to it with a killing blow.

Darby happened to glance down at one of the dead bodies littering the bloody snow and realized to her horror that she recognized the lifeless eyes looking up at her.
“Good God!” she screamed, jumping back away from one of the bodies. Her voice rose several octaves as she exclaimed, “That’s Darren Bratly!” Referring to one of the members of the Dungeon Seekers who gone on before them.

“Don’t worry about the dead right now,” said Simeon, coolly, stepping by her, unsheathing his rapier in a fluid motion. “Let’s just concentrate on saving the living first and keeping ourselves alive.”

“Attack its left,” shouted Bryce in a loud voice.
Not really liking it but out of fear for David, Darby hung back next to dead body. With her hammer, she was afraid by swinging or throwing it, she might accidentally hit him rather than the creature.

Jared was about to do the same, when he spied a weakness and remembered his and Kevynn’s last lesson. ‘If at all possible surprise your enemy by doing or going for the unexpected or the unprotected.’ the weapon master had drilled that into him and had followed the statement by an unexpected attack on an unprotected part of himself.

Simeon, who was trying to distract the creature with the probing tip of his rapier. He was forced to dive headfirst out of the way and into the snow when the creature’s spiked club came swinging back at him in an amazingly fast arc. The large creature’s manlike face turned, following its diving opponent.

It was then that Jared attacked. Sliding in sideways, using a wrestling move designed to take out another fighters legs and move under his guard, he slipped under David on the creature’s right side. Instead of attacking its legs though which were armored like Kevynn had done to him, he slashed downward with his razor sharp axe. The sharp head cut deep into creature’s unarmored foot, nearly cutting it in half.

Howling at the unexpected burst of pain, the large creature released its grip on David and dropped him onto Jared’s head.

That was all of the opening Bryce, Kevynn and Simeon needed. The powerful twang of Bryce’s bow’s string filled the air and one of the titanium tipped arrows drove deep into the creature’s skull. At the same time the needle sharp rapier drove into its heart and the wide bladed sword cut deep into its neck.

The brutish creature didn't even realize that it was dead and just stood there staring dumbly, then as if pulled over by an unseen rope it toppled backwards into the snow.

“What in the hell is that thing,” asked Marcella, stepping in close and prodding the dead creature with her staff. Her nose wrinkling at its smell.

“I don't know,” answered Jared, “but I don't think it's a robot or an illusion.”

“That's for sure,” answered David, cradling his arm tight to his chest. “I think it’s broken.”

A large purple bruise was starting to show on his exposed skin along with a noticeable bit of swelling.

“Who cares about that, I’m sorry David, I know you are hurting,” shouted Darby frantically, drawing all of their attention to her. “But look around you. There are no more woods about us and there are dead people all over the ground here and every one of them is a dungeon seeker. Somebody killed them.” Her voice faltered then but she continued now that she had their attention focused on what she was saying. “Since there is no blood on that dead thing or on its weapon I don't think it killed them. If we could manage to kill, I’m sure that Tori Clois’ group could have done the same. That means there’s still something out here bigger or meaner than that,” and pointed at the dead creaturne.
 
I've started some crit on this, just personal opinion of course, so take with a liberal pinch of salt:

The large trees standing over the path in front of the seven had interlocked and intertwined their limbs in such a way that they had formed a woven blanket of branches overhead. Their trunks were so close together that they formed a sort of tunnel or hallway through the woods. As they stepped upon the stone path leading between the tightly intertwined trees, a slight grey mist seemed to spring up out of the earth. Tendrils of thick gray fog wrapped around their ankles.

‘Large’ is weak and generic; you seem to be trying to make this corridor of trees very evocative, so a different adjective would work better.

On the whole, this paragraph is telling rather than showing. This might just be a question of personal style, but it might be more powerful with something like:
‘The trees were entwined like aged lovers; gnarled and irrevocably conjoined by the years, their branches woven into a high ceiling of branch and foliage. Between them, an aisle devoid of growth led through the forest.’
Just an example, of course!

I’d avoid saying ‘sort of tunnel’. Phrases like ‘seemed to’ and ‘sort of’ remove impact from prose. Phrases with conviction read better.

Lastly, is it ‘Slight grey mist’ or ‘Thick gray fog’? You introduce one and then describe the other.

“Now that is an impressive special effect.” said Darby admiringly as they all watched the mist thicken around their lower legs as if it were alive.

I assume that these are contemporary people to use the phrase ‘special effect’. You could probably do with cutting out ‘all’ and changing ‘lower legs’ to just ‘legs’ or ‘ankles’ or something similar, just to tighten it all up a bit.

The farther they walked along the stone path the more twisted and tangled the trees grew. The mist also grew thicker, so much so that it was impossible to see farther than a few feet either in front of or behind. Their path took a slight turn and they followed it around. Stopping they stared wide eyed at what appeared to be a glowing light, pulsating in front of them where the interwoven trees met and the path ended.

Paragraph could be made a little tighter by taking out some unnecessary words, eg:
The farther they walked along the stone path the more twisted and tangled the trees became. The mist grew thicker until it was impossible to see further than a few feet. Their path took a slight turn and they followed it cautiously until it dwindled to nothing. Stopping, they stared wide-eyed. Where the interwoven trees met and the path ended, there was a glowing light pulsating softly in the air.

As one they stopped several feet away from the glowing light, each carefully studying it. Jared finally turned and faced the other six, saying, “We don’t have to go through here if any of you don’t want to, we can turn around and go back.”

Do they know that they can ‘go through’ the light? I’ll assume that this has already been explained.

“Ohh no we can’t.” said David shaking his head emphatically from side to side. “The dungeon seekers have already gone through and I have no intention of letting them beat us again or walk away with part of my money!”

For me, it would read better with a standard 'oh' and I think it goes without saying that when he shakes his head the motion is side to side.

Both Kevynn and Marcella nodded in agreement with the short Italians statement.

This bit of character description seem a bit forced. Also, should be Italian's.

On the whole, the tense seems ok, but you need to work on correct punctuation around speech. If I have time, I'll crit some more of this at some point. Hope this has helped.

Cheers,
JDP
 
Their trunks were so close together that they formed a sort of tunnel or hallway through the woods. As they stepped upon the stone path leading between the tightly intertwined trees, a slight grey mist seemed to spring up out of the earth.

I think you rely on this "seemed to", "sort of" thing a little too much. What is the difference between a "tunnel" and a "sort of tunnel". You do it three times in the first section (an "as if it were alive" follows). I don't think there is anything wrong with it as such, but doing it so often it gets a bit repetitive.

armor covered arm.
Snowflakes covered Simeon’s arm.
Simeon held up his snow covered arm.

repetitive

“What the hell,” Kevynn started to say, but his voice faded away at the sight.

and he began to say, “What the…”

A bit repetitive. Does beginning to say "What the....." mean he just said "What"? ;)

The taller one made a note on his long parchment with his feathered quill pen.

Quills are feathers, so that's a little redundant.

short Italians statement
The tall dark haired young man
The taller one made a note

I think you rely a little too much on using height (and sometimes nothing else) to describe and differentiate characters.

The first thing they noticed as they stepped through the light was the biting cold of a winter storm swirling about them. Jared threw up his hand to keep them from blinding him. The second thing was the hacked up dead bodies lying in the snow at their feet and the absence of trees.

OH MY GOD! THERE'S NO TREES

The tree absence doesn't seem worthy of getting tacked on the end there. I would assume it's fairly insignificant after they've noticed the hacked up dead bodies (although I think we can assume hacked up bodies are dead). Also, I find myself asking if after noticing the first thing he covers his eyes to prevent being blinded.... how does he then notice the second.

It was humanoid but after that the resemblance ended.

"humanoid" means it resembles a human. You're essentially saying "It resembled a human but after that the resemblance ended"

Its small eyes were trying to focus on David who it held in one hand and at trying to keep Kevynn and his wide bladed sword at bay with a spiked club the size of a small tree trunk that it swung with surprising quickness.

A bit too much going on for one sentence. A bit convoluted.

Her voice rose several octaves as she exclaimed

Unless she's Mariah Carey this is very unlikely.

Jared was about to do the same, when he spied a weakness and remembered his and Kevynn’s last lesson. ‘If at all possible surprise your enemy by doing or going for the unexpected or the unprotected.’ the weapon master had drilled that into him and had followed the statement by an unexpected attack on an unprotected part of himself.

This sounds a little underwhelming for the final lesson of a "weapon master". A little too "stating the bleeding obvious" to be worthy of a flashback to being trained by a master.

Had a couple more, but I'm out of time. Interesting story.
 
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