Very Annoyed Special Representative.

[The Bloated One]

Dear All,

A versy short piece I am working on. Not sure I have the feel right, so any advice or thoughts are appreciated. If Mr Pennycate is around and could offer his considerable knowledge and thoughts on the punctuation I would be a happy Bloated One....

**​

Professor T’hin Ke Moo was in his lab when the visualizer buzzed. Cybele Rain, the President’s Special Representative appeared looking most annoyed. Professor Moo's stomachs flipped.

"Whatever Rigsworth was doing in 1963 has gone wrong," she said, looking very annoyed. "Four hours ago we removed seven humans including that Jenkins boy from a pink truck that crashed in the President’s garden." The Professor had never seen her coiffured hair look so dishevelled. " The President is not amused. Sort it out. You have forty-eight hours to smooth this over before we do. And trust me…" Her face bristled with indignation. "Jules really won’t want that," she said venomously. The visualizer fizzed and went black. The Professor turned toward his workbench just as the screen flashed again." And who the hell is a Sergeant Pepper, and what’s Jules doing with a Lucy and a pile of diamonds?" Bewildered, the Professor shrugged his shoulders. He tried speaking but was cut short. "If I find he’s joined those damned dwarves stealing from the past I’ll have him sanatized!" She scowled and her anger took her closer to the screen making her face look more gurner contestant than enraged Presidential Adviser. Thankfully, her distorted features disappeared and the screen went black.

TBO

 

[Balthazar]

Professor T’hin Ke Moo was in his lab when the visualizer buzzed. Cybele Rain, the President’s Special Representative appeared looking most annoyed. Professor Moo's stomachs flipped.

Maybe:
Professor T’hin Ke Moo was in his lab when the visualizer buzzed. Cybele Rain, the President’s Special Representative appeared on the screen, her face a mask of anger.) (This could be an opportunity to give a little description if she will be a character we will follow.) Professor Moo's stomachs flipped. (Does professor Moo have more than one stomach? I think this is a typo. Unless Moo is a cow. Hey, the name is Moo. That can't be a coincidence.)

"Whatever Rigsworth was doing in 1963 has gone wrong," she said, looking very annoyed. (You already told us she was annoyed.)"Four hours ago we removed seven humans including that Jenkins boy from a pink truck that crashed in the President’s garden."

The Professor had never seen her coiffured hair look so dishevelled.

"The President is not amused. Sort it out. You have forty-eight hours to smooth this over before we do. And trust me…" Her face bristled with indignation. "Jules really won’t want that," she said venomously. (Don't need "she said venomously" because you just told us her face bristled.)

The visualizer fizzed and went black. The Professor turned toward his workbench just as the screen flashed again.

"And who the hell is a Sergeant Pepper, and what’s Jules doing with a Lucy and a pile of diamonds?"

Bewildered, the Professor shrugged his shoulders. He tried speaking but was cut short.

"If I find he’s joined those damned dwarves stealing from the past I’ll have him sanatized!" (sanitized?) She scowled and her anger took (Brought her?) her closer to the screen, making her face look more gurner (gurner contestant?) contestant than enraged Presidential Adviser. Thankfully, her distorted features disappeared and the screen went black.

Interesting, want to know more. Thanks for sharing.

 

[The Bloated One]

Balthazar,

Many thanks. Looks much better after the changes you suggest.

We have met her before in my story, but I agree, a little bit more description wouldn't go amiss.

Professor T'hin Ke Moo (Keith Moon) is an alien with three stomachs. The Moo was purely cowincidental!

Gurning - Google it, it is a facial contest in the north of England. I was worried it might get lost across the Pond, or even in the UK. I'd like to keep it. Would people bother to find out what is meant? I do go on in the last sentence to explain her face is distorted.

Don't want to post too much on line. Happy to send you a chapter or two if you are interested. PM me.

Anyway, many thanks,

The Bloated One

 

[chrispenycate]

I assume you're worried about commas in "Cybele Rain, the President’s Special Representative appeared looking most annoyed."
So, if we remove the descriptive phrase, I'd normally put a comma after "appeared" -"Cybele Rain appeared, looking most annoyed". Or, if we didn't have the end bit, I'd cut off the descriptive bit - "Cybele Rain, the President’s Special Representative, appeared." Would it be totally ridiculous to have both? - "Cybele Rain, the President’s Special Representative, appeared, looking most annoyed." It would, rather.
You know what? I think youve flummoxed me.

"Four hours ago we removed seven humans including that Jenkins boy from a pink truck that crashed in the President’s garden."

I'd cut off the "including that Jenkins boy" with commas, unless you're trying to make it obvious that the speech came out in a barely comprehensible block, rather than a smooth flow (which is quite likely)

He tried speaking but was cut short.

I'd put a comma in the middle, there. I know that with a conjunction it's not strictly necessary, but if you consider how the sentence is enunciated...

And a bit of paragraphing, as prepared by your previous critiquer, would make it easier to follow.

 

[The Bloated One]

Chris,

You heard the call!

Many thanks - commas terrify me, and it has taken me an age to understand the nuances of speech punctuation.

Flummoxed? Pish, won't hear of it. Oracles don't do flummoxed!

Regards, and many thanks, I'll cut Cybele's description.e.g.

Professor T’hin Ke Moo was in his lab when the visualizer buzzed and Cybele Rain, the President’s Special Representative appeared on screen. She looked most annoyed and the Professor stomachs flipped.

TBO

 

[mosaix]

TBO, I liked it.

One very, very minor point - the visualiser. Although that may be the correct word in time in which your story is placed, it's exactly the kind of word that would be abbreviated to something like the vis, in exactly the same way as we abbreviate telephone to 'phone and televison to TV.

 

[The Bloated One]

Mosaix,

Good point. I'll think on, see if I can come up with something more catchy.

TBO