Into to a short story. Eugene

[hlywkar]

I wrote this a while back wanting to submit it to a contest, but never quite finished it. Got up to 10 pgs or so and just stopped because of school or something. Anyways, dug it up because of the contest I saw advertised on her in another posting... just thought I'd offer it up for views and comments... Although it seems all the stuff I have posted hasn't really managed to snag any comments. Meh, no matter. I am only putting up the first paragraph. But at least this way I can find out if it's good enough tath you would read on. Here it is.

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[FONT=&quot]“What’s it like being you?” Eugene asks as he looks into the steam filled mirror. His fingers press the edges of his face against his chin line, smoothing out the creases. “You won’t be needing this any more.” The flesh is suckled by his muscles. Small pockets of air are forced from under his face out the creases in his eyes. Eugene picks up the disheveled jacket from the body and makes it his own. The muscles on his back ache as they seethe outward to conform to the new clothes. “Ugh. Ahhhhhhhhh!” Eugene screams as his bones crumble once, only to realign themselves a moment later. He dusts off the jacket, places the hat from the toilet seat on his head and says goodbye to the face in the mirror.[/FONT]

 

[Balthazar]

Interesting. Not much to go on, but I think I would keep reading. I'm not sure what's going on. Is Eugene absorbing someone else's body? If he's looking into the mirror, he is looking at his own face, right? A few edits follow:

[FONT=&quot] “What’s it like being you?” Eugene asks as he looks into the steam filled

mirror.

His fingers press the edges of his face against his chin line, smoothing out the

creases.

“You won’t be needing this any more," (he says.)

The flesh is suckled (suckled? try something else. Maybe "pulled?") by the

muscles in his face. Small pockets of air are forced from under his face out the

creases in his eyes. Eugene picks up the disheveled jacket from the body and

makes it his own. The muscles on his back ache as they seethe outward to

conform to the new clothes. “Ugh. Ahhhhhhhhh!” Eugene screams as his bones

crumble once,only to realign themselves a moment later. He dusts off the jacket,

places the hat from the toilet seat on his head and says goodbye to the face in the

mirror.[/FONT]

 

[hlywkar]

Not the body. just the skin. hence the suckling. If I were to think about the muscles in the scenario, I would have to say that they are not attached yet. They are grasping for the skin. Technically they are pulling the skin in. but when we think muscles and pull we think contracting.. when we think suckling, we think more of a wet sucking action, also the yearning to attain something.

 

[Cal20]

I thought it was interesting and I would also keep reading. I enjoy your use of the present tense, I use it myself sometimes. Some don't like it but I find it refreshing and more real - Cal20