Wizard Marshall, please critique, short piece

[Caibaxx]

Jashra Mollon pushed back the open end of his tweed coat, revealing the oiled leather of his crossdraw rig slung low on his hip. The reversed holster showed the curved butt end of the pistol. The wood gleamed softly, reflecting the overhead light from the street posts.
Briefly the wizard marshall considered whether or not he should pull out the iron weapon but decided against it. He knew the man holed up here.
"Minor," he called out in a loud, friendly voice, "this isn’t worth the fight you’re going to get if you keep this up, why don’t you just toss out your weapon and surrender."
Nothing came forth from the old ramshackle farmhouse that had seen better days, a long time ago. Then a heavy clanking followed by a rattle that sounded like someone tripping over a pot bellied stove filled the air.
"Isss that you Marshal Mollon," called out a voice near one of the house’s broken window panes, "Iiis not going anywhere, Iiis did nothing wrong."
The voice sounded both drunk and slurred and Jash shook his head in exasperation and aggravation.
"Them mens, marshall had it coming. They needed someone to shut their mouths for them, they were speaking bad to the ladies."
Jash turned to look back at the two local lawmen, who had asked him to accompany them and said jovially, "He claims he did nothing wrong gentlemen."
The two locals shook their heads in disbelief and the older said, “He killed two of those seven men he claimed he did nothing to and and cut the other five within an inch of their lives marshall with that rune blade of his.
The second lawman’s eyes glowed hotly at this and Jash saw his hand tighten around the pistol grip of his sidearm. It was apparent that the two men who had been killed must have been aquaintances of his.
"He also killed a third," growled the second lawman angrily, "with an electrical glyph Marshall. Turned him to dust and ash."
"And all of the witnessess said it was self defense," put in the first lawman with a pointed look at his partner that caused him to remove his hand from his sidearm.
“One says you did, Minor, one says you didn’t. Why don’t you let me come up there and we’ll talk about it gentlemanly like.”
“Iiis don’t know marshall..
Jash turned to the one lawman closest to him, “You said you had witnesses?”
“Yes, marshall, they all said he did no wrong and was provoked.”

Jash turned to the one lawman closest to him, “You said you had witnesses?”
“Yes, marshall, they all said he did no wrong and was provoked.”
Turning back to the ramshackle house Jash shouted, “I believe we should, Minor. I want to. I need to hear your side of the story. The other cop down here believes the witnesses. I want to be able to convince the first, before he shoots you or puts you in front of a magical killing squad. I’m coming up.”

 

[power to the J]

Short but good, although there are a few gramatical errors here and there. I felt that the dialog was good, but could've used a bit more internal thoughts. Well done, overall.

 

[Caibaxx]

Thank you J I will reread it and see what you mean

 

[Barney]

I think you have something good here. I like the way you build up the tension...who, or what, is in that ramshackle house? (nice use of those hissing sss's) What terrible things did he do, and why? Why does one cop seem sympathetic and the other hostile? You are not sure who is the villain, which I like.

The editing suggestions I would make are pretty standard, and are all about the adverbs;

The wood gleamed softly, reflecting the overhead light from the street posts.

The second lawman’s eyes glowed hotly at this and Jash saw his hand tighten around the pistol grip of his sidearm.

In my opinion you could lose these adverbs and the sentences would flow better without losing any meaning.

Jash turned to look back at the two local lawmen, who had asked him to accompany them and said jovially,

"He also killed a third," growled the second lawman angrily

I think it is clear from the context or the main verb what the tone of the character's speech is. Especially the last example; we know he doesn't like the thing in the house, and he growls; we don't need to know he growls angrily.

These are minor criticisms. The most important thing is that I started reading and carried on, and wanted to know what happened after. I think you have a good storytelling instinct.

 

[buskydudd]

Here's an exercise I recommend...take that first paragraph and whittle it down to two sentences. At the same time, try to say twice as much about the specific setting and the character with the weapon. Do it any way you can, but cut the volume and double the content. Why? As your writing now stands, it's a little clunky, ponderous, and thin. Don't get me wrong, the story is interesting, but the execution needs polish. The best writing is so utterly evocative of whatever it is that the writer is dealing with that we don't notice anything except the story...we don't see the excess of poorly-placed description...because there isn't any. We don't have to wait until the fifth or sixth sentence to find out that the weapon is iron...because we already know that when the weapon was first introduced. What am I getting at? One can put it rather prosaically...economy. Octavio Paz wrote a poem (for the life of me I can never remember which) wherein he established the entire setting of the piece by using one word to describe the moon. One word. He said it was "bloodless." And with that one word, the exact scene he wanted us to see did in fact appear. A desolate night landscape, bare trees, a withered and weak world. And in that scene his sad poem unfolds. All from the expert placement of the exact right word. THAT's good writing. Go reread some of your favorite stories...you'll see what I mean. All good writers have this ability...or to put it in terms of craft, all good writers utilize this kind of strategy. And don't worry about whether or not you have the talent for it. As I intimated, this is largely a matter of craft. It seems you have the elementary stuff of a writer, now you need to work your ass off. So kick your material into shape...I damn near felt a chill when I started reading it. The good kind of chill...the one serendipitous visitation you get when a good story comes your way. Work on it, my friend. I think it'd be well worth it considering your material.