maguffin
Member
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 14
Just a small sample of the opening of a SF novel I have almost completed. Any comments appreciated but general impressions most important. Thanks in advance folks.
[FONT="]The barley rose and fell in the wind like a tan coloured sea as Fiori ran through it, hands outstretched, her four and a half year old head just reaching the tips of the stalks, the rushing sound of the air sweeping past her and her twin brother Mal, same height, the same intense yet joyful look on his face as Fiori. They could only see the swaying reeds from above when looking back down the incline to her family home, a small but modern farmstead set back in the fields, a diminutive footprint of humanity in natures cupped hand.
Fiori and Mal heard their brothers and sisters not far away as they called for them, their voices shriller than usual in their regular but untiring game of hide and seek.[/FONT][FONT="] But they, both strong-minded as they had always been since they were born, ran on wanting to reach the top so they could look far beyond to the faded towers of steel, granite and glass, hazed by the sun’s heat and the grounds dust. The distant city was like some mystery, always there and never solved.
[/FONT][FONT="]Fiori brought her head down lest she be spotted, grabbed Mal’s hand and they giggled to themselves the kind of delight only the very young know and cannot name.
She was happy in the fields most of all, except when she was in bed and the window open so she could look at the stars before she slept, so she could remember the stories her mother or father told them before switching their light off. Stories of days gone by when people rode around in cars on wheels and children went to learn in a building called a school instead of the holoclass they had now. Then the night sky flowed in through the window and mingled with her dreams as vistas far and wide opened before her. Often she and Mal floated above the farm and watched their family go about the usual chores. Then they would leap a field at a time and reach those steel towers they had never been to, and danced through them as if they were toys they could knock over in an instant.
[/FONT][FONT="]They had almost reached the top of the incline when they stopped for breath, their hands sweaty but still clasped in each other, the excitement of being discovered snapping at their heels. Fiori knew she and Mal shared more than space in mama’s tummy. It wasn’t just that they were twins. They knew things other people didn’t. They saw things when they touched them, when they touched people. Mal saw the future and Fiori saw…well she wasn’t quite sure what it was she saw. Once she touched mama and images flashed in her head, of the washing mama had just done, the dog she had just a few minutes ago played with and was now chasing a rat in the barn, and then she saw a letter mama had written to a man in the city. Then she saw the man reading the letter in a large office and out the window she could see the tall towers but it faded. These things didn’t happen to Mal and Fiori much but when it did it was just a game, a curiosity that fell into the ordinary way of things. Fiori said to Mal it was like seeing your imagination for real, like when he saw the future except Fiori knew for her it was the now she saw, not the when.[/FONT][FONT="]
But at the moment their concentration focussed more on not being caught by their elder siblings having to be the chasers, never as much fun as being the chased. They hunkered down and moved through the barley slower. Fiori stopped because she heard a strange sound. It was a quiet drone and seemed to come from all around them. Mal heard it too and whispered to his twin sister what it might be but Fiori shrugged her shoulders. She knew the sounds of the farm, the machines that papa operated all by himself, the whine of the hover harvesters that floated out the massive machine barn like motorized whales, followed closely by the collectors, hover machines that processed, packed and stored the barley or wheat that they grew for miles around.
All those noises she knew off by heart and even a few she didn’t, like the man who once visited in a hover car with a whole lot of followers, men who looked mean. Mama said he was an uncle from the city and mama’s brother. Visions of what she had dreamed or saw in the distant haze suddenly became real as she and Mal spied on the adults talking in the sitting room about things she didn’t understand but could tell were serious. The uncle was trying to convince mama and papa to come in to the city, he said where it was safe to which papa just laughed but Fiori noticed mama stay quiet.
It was then she recognised the man from the city who read mama’s letter, the one in the big office with the huge windows that she saw in her mind. When the man left in his car it made a noise similar to the one she heard now but this was more intense, a whine and a low hum mixed in. She looked into the sky but saw nothing.
[/FONT][FONT="]They continued up the hill, keeping low and out of sight when Fiori sensed something through Mal, through his clasped hand. A fear gripped her and she didn’t want to look but knew she had to. She turned and what she saw ripped into her young and terrified mind. Mal was blackened, burnt beyond recognition, his eye sockets empty cavities, all the features that made him Mal had been smoothed away, his lips almost gone, the flesh on his nose blistered to the gristle, his ears scorched away utterly. He sank to his knees.[/FONT]
[FONT="]‘Mal.’
[/FONT][FONT="]She said it not as a way to try and pull him back from death but as a futile cry for help as if he could do something about his own sad flesh. Mal’s burnt lips moved.[/FONT]
[FONT="]‘I can see you, Fi, I can see you!’[/FONT][FONT="]
And the spell was broken. Mal returned to normal again, his sweet face and his deep brown orbs looking at Fiori with surprise. The drone suddenly became louder and Fiori instinctively sensed the danger.[/FONT][FONT="]
‘We got to hide, Mal. We got to hide!’[/FONT]
[FONT="]The barley rose and fell in the wind like a tan coloured sea as Fiori ran through it, hands outstretched, her four and a half year old head just reaching the tips of the stalks, the rushing sound of the air sweeping past her and her twin brother Mal, same height, the same intense yet joyful look on his face as Fiori. They could only see the swaying reeds from above when looking back down the incline to her family home, a small but modern farmstead set back in the fields, a diminutive footprint of humanity in natures cupped hand.
Fiori and Mal heard their brothers and sisters not far away as they called for them, their voices shriller than usual in their regular but untiring game of hide and seek.[/FONT][FONT="] But they, both strong-minded as they had always been since they were born, ran on wanting to reach the top so they could look far beyond to the faded towers of steel, granite and glass, hazed by the sun’s heat and the grounds dust. The distant city was like some mystery, always there and never solved.
[/FONT][FONT="]Fiori brought her head down lest she be spotted, grabbed Mal’s hand and they giggled to themselves the kind of delight only the very young know and cannot name.
She was happy in the fields most of all, except when she was in bed and the window open so she could look at the stars before she slept, so she could remember the stories her mother or father told them before switching their light off. Stories of days gone by when people rode around in cars on wheels and children went to learn in a building called a school instead of the holoclass they had now. Then the night sky flowed in through the window and mingled with her dreams as vistas far and wide opened before her. Often she and Mal floated above the farm and watched their family go about the usual chores. Then they would leap a field at a time and reach those steel towers they had never been to, and danced through them as if they were toys they could knock over in an instant.
[/FONT][FONT="]They had almost reached the top of the incline when they stopped for breath, their hands sweaty but still clasped in each other, the excitement of being discovered snapping at their heels. Fiori knew she and Mal shared more than space in mama’s tummy. It wasn’t just that they were twins. They knew things other people didn’t. They saw things when they touched them, when they touched people. Mal saw the future and Fiori saw…well she wasn’t quite sure what it was she saw. Once she touched mama and images flashed in her head, of the washing mama had just done, the dog she had just a few minutes ago played with and was now chasing a rat in the barn, and then she saw a letter mama had written to a man in the city. Then she saw the man reading the letter in a large office and out the window she could see the tall towers but it faded. These things didn’t happen to Mal and Fiori much but when it did it was just a game, a curiosity that fell into the ordinary way of things. Fiori said to Mal it was like seeing your imagination for real, like when he saw the future except Fiori knew for her it was the now she saw, not the when.[/FONT][FONT="]
But at the moment their concentration focussed more on not being caught by their elder siblings having to be the chasers, never as much fun as being the chased. They hunkered down and moved through the barley slower. Fiori stopped because she heard a strange sound. It was a quiet drone and seemed to come from all around them. Mal heard it too and whispered to his twin sister what it might be but Fiori shrugged her shoulders. She knew the sounds of the farm, the machines that papa operated all by himself, the whine of the hover harvesters that floated out the massive machine barn like motorized whales, followed closely by the collectors, hover machines that processed, packed and stored the barley or wheat that they grew for miles around.
All those noises she knew off by heart and even a few she didn’t, like the man who once visited in a hover car with a whole lot of followers, men who looked mean. Mama said he was an uncle from the city and mama’s brother. Visions of what she had dreamed or saw in the distant haze suddenly became real as she and Mal spied on the adults talking in the sitting room about things she didn’t understand but could tell were serious. The uncle was trying to convince mama and papa to come in to the city, he said where it was safe to which papa just laughed but Fiori noticed mama stay quiet.
It was then she recognised the man from the city who read mama’s letter, the one in the big office with the huge windows that she saw in her mind. When the man left in his car it made a noise similar to the one she heard now but this was more intense, a whine and a low hum mixed in. She looked into the sky but saw nothing.
[/FONT][FONT="]They continued up the hill, keeping low and out of sight when Fiori sensed something through Mal, through his clasped hand. A fear gripped her and she didn’t want to look but knew she had to. She turned and what she saw ripped into her young and terrified mind. Mal was blackened, burnt beyond recognition, his eye sockets empty cavities, all the features that made him Mal had been smoothed away, his lips almost gone, the flesh on his nose blistered to the gristle, his ears scorched away utterly. He sank to his knees.[/FONT]
[FONT="]‘Mal.’
[/FONT][FONT="]She said it not as a way to try and pull him back from death but as a futile cry for help as if he could do something about his own sad flesh. Mal’s burnt lips moved.[/FONT]
[FONT="]‘I can see you, Fi, I can see you!’[/FONT][FONT="]
And the spell was broken. Mal returned to normal again, his sweet face and his deep brown orbs looking at Fiori with surprise. The drone suddenly became louder and Fiori instinctively sensed the danger.[/FONT][FONT="]
‘We got to hide, Mal. We got to hide!’[/FONT]
Last edited:
