A Knife's Edge

[tonic]

A rough draft...I just started writing and wanted to see what become of it. As you can see if you read it, it's not comlpete. I wanted to end it as a cliffhanger lol not really much of one but any suggestion on any aspect of it will be deeply appreciated.

A Knife’s Edge​

Snow sloshed around his boots as he entered the alleyway. He knew he was being followed but didn’t care, he could care less about the world, he could care less about himself. He just wanted peace and perhaps death.

At this moment tears were trickling out of the corner of his eyes as he fought the pain, the temptation that had a hold on him like a vice. He sank down to his knees in the snow and wept for the end, for a rest from the yearning that would surely but slowly pave his way to hell.

For the first time in his life he had refused the needle, the pain, joy, wishes and dreams that each hit brought. All because of a flippant comment made by a colleague whose intentions had been purely innocent.

His addiction had begun at the age of seventeen, what seemed a millennium ago, a whirlwind of time forgotten. The pieces started coming together. The last ten years of James Marrows life were so pathetic that they astounded even him when he realized what he had been missing.

“It’s pathetic the path most children are taking nowadays, how they need to rely on drugs to fuel themselves. Relying on substances that will eventually just lead them downhill while all that potential goes to waste, it disgusts me.”

A simple remark on the degeneration of teenagers had brought him into a downward spiral that no amount of heroine could have equaled. The needle forgotten, the pain forgotten, shame filled his entire being until he found himself retching on the snow and crying in earnest.

“Why!” he shrieked to the sky that was fast being filled by floating snowflakes. “I just want it to end, to stop, please!” His voice trailed off by the last words as he huddled in on himself trying to purge the shame and anger from his being.

“It can end James, if you will it so then you will be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.” A sweet and knowing voice said from the entrance of the alleyway.

He didn’t turn around but only wept harder; no matter what encouragement anyone could give him it would not end just because he wanted it to. His addiction had always had a mind of its own, ever since the beginning it had never stopped, not even now.

“Go away, go away, go away.” He muttered to himself as if he were deep in prayer.

“You seem in an awfully bad condition to be left alone, I hope you don’t mind if I join you.” An amused tone had entered the woman’s voice. He could hear her footsteps as she walked into the alleyway and took her position in front of him.

“Look at me” her voice was no longer amused, it was stern and demanding, she did not expect to be disobeyed.

James looked up, more in irritation then anything, she had no right to speak to him this way, who was she to….his thoughts trailed away as he glimpsed at the woman’s face.

 

[absalom]

K- first off anything I say is opinion, nothing more. Second, I'll only make a few suggestions.

A rough draft...I just started writing and wanted to see what become of it. As you can see if you read it, it's not comlpete. I wanted to end it as a cliffhanger lol not really much of one but any suggestion on any aspect of it will be deeply appreciated.

A Knife’s Edge​

Snow sloshed around his boots as he entered the alleyway. He knew he was being followed but didn’t care, he could care less about the world, he could care less about himself. He just wanted peace and perhaps death.

Too wordy, and too melodramatic. Junkies are people too. Try something like this, if you really need a character who doesn't care- of course you need to get rid of him fast cause any character worth his salt _does_ care:

---
Snow sloshed around his boots as he entered the alleyway. They followed him. He wasn't afraid to die. Why should he care? Death would bring peace.
---

At this moment tears were trickling out of the corner of his eyes as he fought the pain, the temptation that had a hold on him like a vice. He sank down to his knees in the snow and wept for the end, for a rest from the yearning that would surely but slowly pave his way to hell.

He sank to his knees, in the snow, and wept. The compulsion that had held him like a vice was gone. Tears ran down his cheeks [redundant- we already said he was weeping].

For the first time in his life he had refused the needle, the pain, joy, wishes and dreams that each hit brought. All because of a flippant comment made by a colleague whose intentions had been purely innocent.

I imagine it's pretty easy to refuse the needle when you're kneeling in an alleyway waiting to be executed.... and junkies aren't made- or cured- by flippant comments. Treat even the junkie with respect- particularly if he is your main character. I'd kill that entirely. So:

“I just want it to end, please!”

And so forth.

EDIT: and of course it held him like a vice- it was one. It might also have held him like a vise.

 

[tonic]

I don't think you understood it as I mean it to be understtod though that's my problem because I didn't clarify it enough. He's not going to die, he wants to die but he won't get the chance, this woman is going to pull him out of his rut and make him want to live.

I didn't want to make it seem as if he wasn't a person I just wanted to show that all he wanted was death, that's it, nothing more...just an end. He won't get it unfourtunately because he will stop his addction though that'll happen when I manage to conitnue the story and he will have a reason to care, she will give it to him.

The flippant comment meant more to him that you would have thought, hes respected the colleague for a long time and he was reaching his limit, for years he wanted to give it all up but couldn't manage to. That last comment was enough to push him over the edge.

Once again it was my fault for not clarifying, your suggestions will probably be used, I just wanted to show his desperation at this point in his life. I know you can't guess what I'm thinking and I was too tired to think about that last night but all will be well lol.

Thank you for the sugestions If anyone else has any I'd really appreciate them

 

[absalom]

The problem is that it feels like it's all setup. This guy is anguished- torn apart by addiction, ready to die- I want to feel that, and I _need_ to take it seriously, for it to work. But it feels like it's only there because you need it for subsequent developments.

Don't misunderstand me when I say "junkies are people too"- I don't care a whit whether you, personally, believe that junkies are scum that will be washed off the streets by a real rain that will someday fall, or that they are misunderstood visionaries ushering in a new age of peace, love, and grooviness... I just want certain things from a character, as a reader, and I can't identify with him if I don't get them.

The first thing I need to see is that you treat him fairly. I'm entering a world that you have made up (this is true even if you're not writing fantasy). I need to trust you, and be certain that you will not betray that trust without good reason. I want the author to act upon me, but I don't want to be manipulated. The first step in establishing this trust is to show me that you will not manipulate your central characters. So if you drive a character to despair, I need to see that there are reasons for it that go beyond the needs of your plot. I also need to see that that character acts, and is not just acted upon- even if he acts by tossing himself under a train.

In this sense, I think that really good writers are always of sterling character, as writers- they may beat their wives (or husbands), abandon their children, and torture small animals in real life (hat tip: Gardner). When they write they don't lie, or cheat, or steal... well, they don't do these things without good reason.

Another thing that will help with this is tightening up your sentences. I'm a bit unsure about snow sloshing around boots (slush sloshes, but that's way too alliterative- as far as I can tell snow either sits there or blows around), but in terms of structure, your first sentence is fine.

Your second is problematic: "He knew he was being followed but didn’t care, he could care less about the world, he could care less about himself."

OK- let's assume these are the words you want to use... there's still a problem. These clauses should not be connected by commas. This pattern occurs throughout your piece. Strunk & White has a good section on this.

I have to trust you if I am to enter your world. I'll be much more inclined to trust you if I see that you use your tools well.

 

[Mark Robson]

An excellent in depth review with helpful comments, Absalom. Welcome to the madhouse that is chronicles - especially if you are going to help others here like this.