A King's Court, prologue, need critiques

[Damiynn]

Prologue

Aiden Farnor scrubbed his hand through his sandy hair that once had been a bright red. That was long before he started commanding the sentinel guard that walked Castlekeep’s walls day and night.He heard his men grumbling over the minute things he had found wrong with their equipment during his snap inspection.

Staring out from the heights overlooking the dark waters, he smiled, remembering when he had grumbled in the same manner.Black clouds obscured the full moon shrouding everything in darkness, and as hard as he tried Aiden couldn’t see far past the high walls.Turning his head, he stared hard up into the surrounding blackness. Was that a sound?

Glancing about, he looked at the other guardsmen still patrolling the smooth paths the thick walls.Aiden’s head jerked up as if pulled by a string. There it was again, louder and more distinct. This time, he wasn’t the only one that heard it. Several guardsmen stopped and looked up into the dark sky over the great keep.The noise sounded almost like whispering voices.More guards started turning their heads, each craning his neck as if he were half deaf.

Suddenly the black clouds covering the western sky parted and the full moon shone through.“Morid’s black hand!” shouted a guard invoking the name of the god of death in stunned awe.“Black night!” cursed another.

Over the keep floated several hundred Elvynn Warships, spread out along the length of the city’s sea wall, looking like gigantic eagles about to swoop in on an easy kill. The unnatural cloud cover had concealed them and in another moment the massive warships would be over the city.

“Sound the alarm!” screamed Aiden. His throat clenched tight and ice filled his stomach. “We are under attack! Sound that damn alarm! Castlekeep is under attack!”

Several sentinel guardsmen scrambled for the iron bar, falling over themselves in fear until finally one seized it and the two thousand year old bell that had never been rung began tolling. Its haunting hollow tones echoed over the sleeping city.


Aiden looked up at the Elvynn warships crowded with bodies at their gunwales and knew as he pulled out his sword, it was already too late.

 

[Lord_Rahl]

Not sure what to say really. It was a short piece that I liked; not sure if it's prologue material though? It seems far too catchy. More of a hook that you might want to slap at the beginning of the first chapter, or at the very end of one later on.

A lot of people skip over prologues, and they're often ideal grounds for the undesirable-yet-oft times necessary info-dump.

So if I were you and I had some large peices of description/history/backstory, I would use those for the prologue and this for grabbing the readers' attention.

Just a thought anyway.

 

[svalbard]

I read this last night, Damyinn, but was too tired to respond. I like the build up of tension and enjoyed the appearance of the Elvynn warships. This is good and I really wanted to read more. As a prologue it works, because at this stage if people are following your series they will know what is going on. From a writers pov, are you going to describe the fight or leave it where it ends? I have an opinion, but I will not presume. PM if you need any advice on it.

 

[RodneyMcKay]

I really liked how it built to a climax also and I agree with Lord Rahl, it doesn't really seem to be prologue material.

I liked it though, it flowed well and I could actually see what was going on in my head.

All over, I liked it so keep writing.

Signed
Miss Rodney

 

[Damiynn]

thanks gentleman the comments are appreciated, if you followed my other prologues, it doesnt follow them but is a proloue, Sv read the Epilogue I posted, you will see why the prologue, It doesnt continue as you can see in the first chapter but it does continue, and the whole ordeal gets a lot worse, lol you have read my other posts so you know the Elvynn want their slaves back

 

[RodneyMcKay]

Ok... probably will make more sence later then