My SF Story - Destinies Dawn.

[white_wanderer]

I've been stimulated by reading Peter F Hamilton's work (amongst others) into re-creating a story I wrote for my GCSE English exam, so many years ago. The original story was 5000 words, but as I have started to redevelop it, it has become apparent that more of the plot needs expanding.

My original idea was to drop the reader in an easy to understand slice of the future, where they will be intellectually aware of the technologies apparent in the universe without having to explain them as I go. I have also intended to tone down the villans of the book and make them "severley mis-understood" instead of "inherantly evil". ANyway, please feel free to look over the first couple of pages and see what you think. I hope that the balance is correct and that you find it easy to read.

--------

Chapter One

Danny Carter lay on his acceleration couch on the bridge of his ship. Above him, the plasma screens relayed status information to him about his proximity to the large (and small) asteroids that he was sliding his ship between. Proximity warnings flashed red and sounded in the remote that he wore around his left ear. The sound was a gentle chime overlaid with a female voice that could have been lifted from one of the adult AVs that he brought with him.

Using the vernier control under his right palm, bursts of cryogenic gas slid the ship away from danger as the lump of rock tumbled harmlessly under the ship’s left wing. Ahead of him lay a large asteroid, about the size of his ship and tumbling slowly with one lateral rotation every seven minutes. He plotted an approach path that would take him to within twenty metres of the asteroid, and selected automatic pilot – a risky business with the smaller bodies occasionally changing direction, but he needed to prepare.

Through circumstance, Carter had been forced to take an alternative career path than his chosen one – that of a pilot with the Solar Defence Force. Instead, he became an asteroid miner, colloquially referred to as a Belter, a new industry after the Separatist War stripped Earth of most of it’s resources. Belters were the new frontiersmen, the ultimate survivalist. They earned millions of Credits from large asteroid prospecting, and millions more from mining the smaller lumps of rock.

Metals found in the cores of these asteroids could be standard ferrous metals, to precious and semi-precious metals. Some had yielded gemstones, and others had shown radioactive isotopes. Several had revealed new elements, expanding the periodic table by seven more elements.

Carter released the active restraint web and floated out of the bridge into the rear area of the ship. The ship was little more than a glorified spaceplane, adapted for long spaceflight. The body was cylindrical, measuring thirty five metres long and five metres across at the widest point. At the mid-point, large delta wings swept out and then back. After four metres from the nose, the viewports of the bridge rose, four metres wide and running the remainder of the length of the ship. Here, Carter had created his personal space, ten metres of living space for him and whoever he managed to lure into his cabin for a night of fun.

Carter propelled himself into the living area, through the small lounge area and into the accommodation section, drastically remodelled to suit him and the fact that there was no other crew on his ship. Stopping himself, he opened a locker and pulled out the orange spacesuit. Taking his time, he donned the suit, tightening the locking ring on the eye-shaped helmet, then floated down to the cargo airlock on the lower deck. As he did, the remote kindly chimed in his ear and the sexy computer voice informed him that he was now adjacent to the asteroid, matching it’s spin.

Most of the lower deck was taken over with the cargo bay and airlocks. He strapped on a manoeuvring pack and tool belt, and stepped into the airlock. With a voice command, his remote sealed the airlock behind him and cycled the atmosphere. The external door opened slowly, showing him a the asteroid hanging still in front of him. He didn’t notice the other asteroids spinning around, a spectacle which un-nerved many newcomers to this line of work..
Carter clipped a monofilament tether to the side of the airlock, and fired the main pack thrusters. A controlled half-second burst carried him to the edge of the asteroid, and another half second retro burst brought him to a halt over the central axis.

He traversed the asteroid, looking for the point where the minerals were near the surface. Quickly, he settled on the asteroid, and selected a short range laser tool from his belt. The laser sliced through the rock with ease, revealing a patch of raw metal that he recognised as Q42, the new high density metal that had enabled the new ion drives to be created. As he was moving away, something else caught his eye. Laying just under the surface, there was a dull glow, pulsating purple. Carter moved over to it, constantly scanning in case this was an attempt to deploy explosives on his area of space.

 

[mactavish]

This is excellent - extremely well written.

The one part I would suggest might want to be rethought is :

Through circumstance, Carter had been forced to take an alternative career path than his chosen one – that of a pilot with the Solar Defence Force. Instead, he became an asteroid miner, colloquially referred to as a Belter, a new industry after the Separatist War stripped Earth of most of it’s resources. Belters were the new frontiersmen, the ultimate survivalist. They earned millions of Credits from large asteroid prospecting, and millions more from mining the smaller lumps of rock.

Metals found in the cores of these asteroids could be standard ferrous metals, to precious and semi-precious metals. Some had yielded gemstones, and others had shown radioactive isotopes. Several had revealed new elements, expanding the periodic table by seven more elements.


This is 'Telling', and doesn't really fit with the rest of the scene. Is there anywhere later in the story you can place this as a dramatic scene. Perhaps embody it as dialogue? Does the reader need to be snatched out of the scene in order to be fed this info yet? You describe the ship later, but you can probably get away with this - limited 'Telling' embedded within a specific action (i.e. in this case Carter travelling through the ship) is usually ok.

Couple of minor grammatical points :
Above him, the plasma screens relayed status information <to him> about his proximity to the large (and small) asteroids that
(don't need second 'to him')

external door opened slowly, showing <him> <a> the asteroid hanging still in front of him.

Good stuff though.

Mactavish

 

[chrispenycate]

Is that "Destiny's Dawn or Destinies' Dawn?

The density of matter in the asteroid belt is somewhat exaggerated, isn't it? Certainly there are a lot of lumps of rock, but there's an awful lot of cubic to put them in. The swerving round one rock to get to another, or all those other rocks dancing round when he's synchronised with one; if it were anything like this crowded, the asteroid belt would be a major fraction of the mass of the solar system (which it isn't)

and selected automatic pilot – a risky business with the smaller bodies occasionally changing direction,

Adding a proximity detector to the autopilot is very simple, and presumably the orbits of all the local lumps of rock are accurately plotted unless he came in really fast (which, with a modified spaceplane he won't be doing) and the only way they can change direction is by gravitational interaction with each other or bigger lumps.

Several had revealed new elements, expanding the periodic table by seven more elements.

Repetition of "elements", and seven more? Presumably transuranics, since the periodic table's electron shells are quite nicely filled up to there. And "semi-precious metals"?

Instead, he became an asteroid miner, colloquially referred to as a Belter, a new industry after the Separatist War stripped Earth of most of it’s resources. Belters were the new frontiersmen, the ultimate survivalist.

"had become", rather than "became", and survivalists-
– but the word has taken on another connotation, with the heavily-armed antisocials who're waiting for civilisation to collapse

stripped Earth of most of it’s resources. – matching it’s spin.

"its" rather than "it's" for possessive.

 

[Kahnmark]

I find this easy to read and the end piques my interest. I think a near-future story can be more involving for a reader than a far-future one because we can more easily relate, and you have accomplished that in this excerpt. I don't think picking at punctuation is all that important unless you plan on publishing it yourself.

I want more.

 

[Nik]

Not bad !

Couple of technical quibbles...

There's enough meteoritic material fallen and been analysed that new elements are, sadly, a no-no.

And, sadly, gem-stones seem to need planets and geology...

Unless, of course, we're in Kryptonium country ?? Or this is Alien Tech (TM) ??

Wings and picture-windows don't suit interplanetary space-craft. Solar panels and/or radiators that *resemble* wings are okay, but make them retractable if possible. Windows are an engineering nightmare. They are subject to damage from hypervelocity impact, anything from dust upwards. They must be layered for insulation and impact resistance, will flex differently to rest of hull so stress-concentrate, and compound curves are the worst...

In addition to absolute minimum of navigation windows, you might have a couple of portholes. Remember storm shutters in case you have a comet's dust-tail come through, a safety shutter lest something fail due fatigue and/or impact ...

Um, logistics...

Think two round-the-world yachts stuck deck-to-deck, with every last necessity for voyage crammed in. Look at Space Station for how congested it gets. And, behind the scenes, you have fuel, engine, recycling etc etc. Remember you must maintain most of it from inside ship, as outside is too harsh for a lot of equipment. And, remember you must be able to get to any part of pressure-hull for maintenance and repair, shifting modules to reach and patch pinpricks, mop condensation, renew weeping joints, splice corroded connections...

Sorry to be a pain, but the tech detail matters. Work through that, though and, IMHO, you have the makings of a thrilling tale.

 

[Cosmic24]

I really enjoyed reading this from a technical perspective, but I really wanted to learn about some sort of plot conflict. So far all we know is that your main character is a super rich miner with a space ship. I really hope you get something gritty involved with this because its a great start if you do.

Cosmic

 

[Mad Tam McC]

Can I just restress a couple of points already been made.

The chances of hitting something by accident in the asteroid belt are really small. Don't forget that both Voyagers and the Pioneer Spacecraft and everything else that's visted anything from Jupiter and beyond, all managed to cross it without a human pilot.

New elements are occasionally added to the periodic table but these have a half life of nano-seconds. You wouldn't find anything in the asteroid belt! I have read (a while ago now) that is theoretically possible to have stable massive elements of around the 120 atomic number, but don't quote me on that!

 

[Nik]

Re: My SF Story - Destinies' Dawn.

Hi, there's a zillion hits on Google, but here's something with $$ / kg figures for asteroids...

Asteroid Mining for Profit
Several useful links onwards.

No warranties intended or implied.
( Google Language = 'Don't mortgage your house based on this business model.' )

Remember the three big problems are finding something interesting, getting to it, then getting it back with the 'Bottom Line' intact.

One is a matter of radar plus spectroscopy. Radar may give a use to those 'wings': They're a phased array antenna. Spectroscopy is actually easier when there's a solar flare because the back-scatter has better signal/noise, may include sub-surface scatter...

Getting from A to B means buying delta-V. Given the likely costs of consumables, you gotta balance fuel vs time. Check out Hoffman-transfer orbits. And, the zoo of variants which include modest boost phases, combined with micro-g ion-drive sustainers...

You should also check out Lo-Roads, the gravitational equipotential routes....

Life-support is complex, will take as much tweaking and running repairs as an old sports-car, fishing-boat and VW micro-bus combined. Your pilot must be plumber, gas-fitter, HVAC expert, electrician, NASCAR mechanic, drag-racer, IT-geek, Technical Diver, Radio Ham and three other things before lunch. Also Field Geologist and Assayer on alternate Tuesdays...

And, unless he can live with the mass-penalty of hauling a BIG crate of MREs, he may be growing algae and/or air-plants, fed by recycled wastes...

 

[white_wanderer]

Guys - thanks

Like most people, I took an approach to writing about current astrophysics without actually doing ALL the research. The comments are going to go a long way, and i've taken on board what has been said. I have made some assumptions regarding technology, such as that interplanetary travel is now a commercial possibility so technology has been made simple to use and effective. Also, something in the character's past means that he is able to function in a low o2 environment (somewhat of a plot point)

But, I digress.

 

[Nik]

Low O2 tolerance...

Hi, there are several low-tech ways to improve low O2 tolerance.

First and best way is to be born and raised at high altitude. High Andes or High Himalayas would be good...

Some climbers have astonishing acclimatisation, like the Austrian who did Everest without oxygen. His blood was so thick with Haem that he should have died of congestive heart failure...

Haem production can be encouraged with drugs: Think 'blood doping'...

There is, IIRC, another option, which requires tweaking your marrow to produce the neo-natal haem variant that operates at lower O2 levels. IIRC, one existing treatment for a sickle-cell variant manages it. You don't need 100% switch, even 10~~15% would prevent black-outs...