Tarquin's Return - Short Passage

[The Bloated One]

Dear All,​

In my last post, I showed Tarquin deciding to go it alone to find his parents. After much soul searching he returns to save his friends - well, he is a hero after all?​

I have tried to mix a very emotive short passage with burlesque - think Con Air and you'll get my drift.​

But, does it work?​

The Leche & Earth​

Gehenna stood by a box in the corner of the room, her pallid face lit by a shaft of moonlight. Snared within her boney, walnut shaped knuckles was Rhia’s wopplefop, struggling against her suffocating hold. In her other hand, she held a gun to the wopplefop’s head. Rhia sat on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Archie’s body lay on the floor beside her.

"Put the bunny back in the box," came a voice from the shadows.

Gehenna spun around to see Tarquin walk into the moonlight his Bosun levelled at her head. Behind him, with their Bosuns readied, strode Meaty and Oz.

"Tarquin!" screamed Rhia, as Gehenna whined, and viscously tightened her grip on the animal’s throat. Starved of air, the wopplefop jerked pitifully.

Unflinching, with his Bosun trained on her forehead, Tarquin moved closer.

"I said…put the bunny back in the box."

Gehenna cackled, flashed her yellow eye-teeth and jabbed the struggling animal with the muzzle of her phazer.

"Why, so you can shoot me?"

Whooosh, thump!

"Yep."

Gehenna’s eyes rolled back and she collapsed unconscious to the floor. The wopplefop bounded into Rhia’s open arms, wrapped its long tail tight around a forearm and hung upside down, looking at her with its wet, bush baby eyes.

"Why wouldn’t she put the bunny back in the box?" said Tarquin, shaking his head and pointing his Bosun at Gehenna lying unconscious on the floor.

Rhia sobbed, "Tarquin, You came back! You bloody well came back!"

Weighed down by the wopplefop on one arm, she struggled to her feet and hugged him, her tears running down his cheek. He shifted bashfully from one foot to the other.

"How could I let my friends down? Looking for my parents can wait."

A groan came from the floor and Archie began moving. "What the hell happened?" he asked, grimacing and rubbing the back of his head.

"Gehenna hit you as we came in and kidnapped my flopsy wopsy." Rhia gave her pet a reassuring pat. Archie staggered to his feet, and looked straight into Tarquin’s face.

"Holy sh—"

"I am back," said Tarquin with a grin, dropping his pack on the floor, "It’s time we sorted those meddlesome Griddlebacks and Leche."

Archie’s face lit up and he grabbed Tarquin’s shoulders. "Aye lad, it bloody well is!"



TBO

 

[Peter Graham]

But, does it work?

A couple of minor grammar glitches but in answer to your question - yes, it most certainly does!

Peter

 

[Yeoman]

I thought it was very nice.

I can't recall reading anything of yours prior to this, which may be linked (some I'm unaware of what happened before this extract), but I felt sorry for Gehenna, even though she held a phazer to the bunny. I liked how Tarquin felt remorse - "Why wouldn't she put the bunny back in the box?".

This is perhaps strange, but I'm half-hoping this Gehenna person isn't dead. I thought it was good how (in my mind at least), there is mystery as to if she is or isn't dead; sure, he had a his 'bosun' levelled at her head, but at the same time, she's lying unconscious.

 

[The Bloated One]

Peter,

Many thanks!

 

[The Bloated One]

Yeoman,

Thanks for the comments. A search on Tarquin Jenkins should pick up most of my posts.

The Leche are nasty creatures; humanoid, skeletal and leech like. Close to a vampyre in that they eat blood. Gehenna survives well into book two as my heoroes don't kill, just use their 'Bosuns' to stun. The only one that kills is Georgia Blade my red headed, Althurian princess turned space pirate...now she's fun!

Leche -

Reckitt hissed and looked inside the bag. He licked his canines and took out half litre bottles of blood and passed them to his colleagues.

“There’s plenty more…if you’re interested,” said Gruilash, watching the skeletal figures feed. “Animals,” he muttered, spitting phlegm on the ground where it fizzed and boiled.

“What are they?” asked his Lieutenant, covering his snout and smarting at the smell of human blood.

Gruilash turned to the Lieutenant. “Bipedal, hematophagous, primate leeches. We’re going to use them for a bit of Althurian hirudotherapy.” The lieutenant shot Gruilash a puzzled look. He was not from an educated clan.

Gruilash shook his head. “When the Leche catch Redhair and her humans, they’ll drink them dry.”

Gruilash turned back to the Leche and waited impatiently for them to finish gorging.

Saited, Reckitt wiped blood from his lips and ran his fingers through his blonde shoulder length curls, feeling the human blood course through his veins. He turned his bloodshot eyes to Gruilash, the icy blue pupils flecked with crimson.

TBO

 

[Giovanna Clairval]

Hi, Bloated,

It works. It's sharp, effective, dramatic.

Rubescant has tinkered with a few sentences (you how she is).

Here's the thing.

The Leche & Earth​

Gehenna stood by a box in the corner of the room[.], her pallid face lit by a shaft of moonlight[A shaft of moonlight lingered on her, creasing shadows on her pallid face]. Snared within her boney [bony], walnut[-]shaped knuckles was Rhia’s wopplefop, [which] struggling ["struggled": too many "ing", and I added one in the previous sentence...] against her [the] suffocating hold. In her other hand, she held a gun to the wopplefop’s head. Rhia sat on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Archie’s body lay on the floor [omit] beside her.

"Put the bunny back in the box," came a voice from the shadows.

Gehenna spun around to see Tarquin walk into the moonlight[,] his Bosun levelled at her head. Behind him, with their Bosuns [weapons] readied, strode Meaty and Oz.

"Tarquin!" screamed Rhia(,) [no comma before "as"] as Gehenna whined, and viscously tightened her grip on the animal’s throat. Starved of air, the wopplefop jerked pitifully.

Unflinching(] [and keeping] (with) his Bosun trained on her forehead, Tarquin moved closer.

"I said…put the bunny back in the box."

Gehenna cackled, flashed her yellow eye-teeth and jabbed the struggling animal with the muzzle of her phazer.

"Why, so you can shoot me?"

Whooosh, thump!

"Yep."

Gehenna’s eyes rolled back and she collapsed unconscious to the floor. The wopplefop bounded into Rhia’s open arms, wrapped its long tail tight around a forearm and hung upside down, looking at her with its wet, bush baby eyes.

"Why wouldn’t she put the bunny back in the box?" said Tarquin, shaking his head and pointing his Bosun at [the unconscious] Gehenna (lying unconscious on the floor).

Rhia sobbed, "Tarquin, You came back! You bloody well came back!"

Weighed down by the wopplefop on one arm, she struggled to her feet and hugged him, her [omit] tears running down his cheek. He shifted bashfully from one foot to the other.

"How could I let my friends down? Looking for my parents can wait."

A groan came from the floor[,] and Archie began moving ["to move": this is not a continuing action, you Natives do this all the time]. "What the hell happened?" he asked, grimacing and rubbing the back of his head.

"Gehenna hit you as we came in and kidnapped my flopsy wopsy." Rhia gave her pet a reassuring pat. [new paragraph]
Archie staggered to his feet, and looked straight into Tarquin’s face.

"Holy sh—"

"I am back," said Tarquin with a grin, dropping his pack on the floor, "It’s time we sorted [dealt with?] those meddlesome Griddlebacks and Leche."

Archie’s face lit up (and)[.] Grabbing Tarquin’s shoulders, [he nodded [FONT=&quot]vigorously[/FONT].] "Aye lad, it bloody well is!"

 

[Giovanna Clairval]

Rubescant has tinkered with a few sentences (you how she is).

Darp! "Know" got eaten by the voracious sword...

 

[The Bloated One]

And she cuts so painlessly....

Many thanks Gio, sorry, Rubescant!