More Dragon's eye, please comment

[Damiynn]

After what seemed like hours, Noraxxis finally descended out of the clouds. A mighty skyfortress sat on top of the highest mountaintop. The palace seemed to be actually in the clouds but that was an illusion. In fact, Micah realized as he gaped wide-eyed, it looked like it had been built out of the top of the mountain. Stone spires rose high into the air and Micah could see battlements and fortifications filling almost every surface. The air around him was cold and crystal clear and Micah studied the tops of the mountains as they descended out. He knew without having to be told, they had reached Valspar. Even to his untrained eye, Micah recognized the remains of battles scarring the walls of the mighty fortress.
The sky around them seemed empty except for themselves. Seemed. Micah heard Noraxxis growl and say, “There they are.”
“There who are?” Micah asked and jerked his head around, eyes scanning the sky. Then he spotted the movement. To the east just under a cloudbank, two winged shapes leapt off a mountain and threw themselves into the air and began making their way toward them. Even from this distance, Micah could make out the sun reflecting off of green and blue scales.
Noraxxis’ voice rolled back over him, “Do you have those cinches tight holding you in place?”
Micah shouted out yes and knew he wasn’t going to check them again, he already had a hundred times during their flight and they still held tight.
“Good.” Noraxxis called out and suddenly they were hurtling across the sky. Wind whistled through his ears as Micah realized that the dragon had been deliberately traveling slow as it suddenly burst into full flight and he was flung back against the bracers holding him in place.
Throwing a quick glance over his shoulder Micah saw the other two dragons seem to leap in the air as they hastily began the chase. They weren’t quite as large as Noraxxis, Micah realized as he kept his eyes glued to them, but there were two of them and they did seem to be gaining substantially. “I don’t think we can outrun them,” he called out and heard Noraxxis chuckle, “What makes you think I want too?”
Without any warning, Noraxxis suddenly rolled thought the air and Micah found himself holding on for dear life as the dragon moved like a jet fighter avoiding a missle. A bright hot jet of flame filled the spot where they had been and passed so close to where they were that Micah saw Noraxxis’ scales turn orange from the heat. The flame passed so close that he knew he should have been incinerated but he wasn’t, all he felt was a tingle from the Dragon’s eye medallion.
“I thought you said back in – that no dragon could harm me as long as I wore the eye,” he screamed.
Noraxxis dipped his body and the green dragon’s claws cut through the empty air with a hiss, barely missing his wings.
Suddenly as if he couldn’t regain his flight path, Noraxxis’ body plummeted uncontrollably out of the air.
“It seems that they have found another way of doing that without touching you.”
“And what is that!” demanded Micah, watching the earth come closer and closer to them in rapidly spinning circles.
“They dare to attack me,” snapped out the dragon peevishly.
Suddenly Noraxxis’ wings shot out wide and gathered air into them, and he looked back up at the two dragons diving after him, thinking he was out of control.
Noraxxis knew they were young, and inexperience made it impossible to avoid what came next. A bright swathe of flame filled the air as Noraxxis let loose with his own fire. Shaking his head from side to side, he filled the whole sky with flame. Micah watched wide eyed as the flame melted a hole through the green dragon’s wing and caught the blue one full on in the face, encasing its whole head in flame. Both dragons screamed in pain as they plummeted past them. Noraxxis spun a final time and righted himself just in time for them both to see the two crash into the earth below. Dusty explosions filled the air surrounding the impacts and Micah was sure there was two crater sized holes in the earth.
Noraxxis shook his head from side to side, and said in a scolding tone, “The young ones should know better than to play with the adults.”

 

[Commonmind]

In that very short excerpt there were seven uses of the word "seem;" one of those words authors find themselves using quite a bit in places where other, more suitable words or phrases would better fit. Simply finding ways to word the entire sentence differently can be effective and help you build a more vivid picture for the reader.

Take your first sentence for instance: "The unending hills of gray-white rolled on for miles underneath him before Noraxxis finally descended through the clouds." (I would replace "out of" either way, as it conveys a sense of emerging, not descending; one descends through or into).

And some other ways to get rid of that nasty word: "The palace and clouds melded in illusion."

"The sky around them appeared empty." (I highlighted the "around them" in this case as I feel it is a pleonasm, and unnecessary).

"Throwing a quick glance over his shoulder, Micah saw the other (again, a pleonasm; we can assume they're the other two because he is looking over his shoulder) two dragons seem to (is in this case omitted) leap in the air as they hastily (normally when we chase something haste is implied - you can cut the -ly word here) began the chase. They weren’t quite as large as Noraxxis, Micah realized as he kept his eyes glued to them, but there were two of them and they were gaining substantially. (I think it's safe to assume that they were gaining, and not "seeming" to).

I sort of got on one particular piece and I didn't intend to, so sorry about that, but as I read further the repetition became distracting so I felt it necessary to point it out. There were other errors as well, but I'll leave those edits in the hands of more capable folks; I'm sure Chrispen will be along soon with his pen in hand.

As for the strength of the work itself, it was a bit cliche and predictable; sort of like a hit song you here on the radio these days -- it's got the hook, a great band playing the melody, but beyond that it isn't terribly memorable.

 

[Damiynn]

thanks, this is why half asleep people shouldnt post, I put up the draft instead of the finished thanks for the comments though I see what you mean

 

[chopper]

Without any warning, Noraxxis suddenly rolled thought the air and Micah found himself holding on for dear life as the dragon moved like a jet fighter avoiding a missle.

i can't remember if i've missed something here - does Micah come from "our" world? if not, the jet fighter reference is rather out of place.

other than that, i'd want to read more about how Micah feels during the battle, and i'd probably make the dragon less... human than he seems at the moment (a lot of head-shaking going on).

otherwise, not a bad piece, if rather short (but i tend to the epic )

 

[chrispenycate]

I'm sure Chrispen will be along soon with his pen in hand.

Grins. No red.

Stone spires rose high into the air and Micah could see battlements and fortifications filling almost every surface

Sounds more decorative than effective for defence. What I think you're trying to describe is a mountainside studded with defences; what comes out of it is walls with bits sticking out of them, no big, flat defensive walls (oh dear, repetition; but how do you construct defences against an intelligent flying enemy, anyway? Have to work on that)

The air around him was cold and crystal clear and Micah studied the tops of the mountains as they descended out.

no "out"

He knew without having to be told, they had reached Valspar.

Even to his untrained eye, Micah recognized the remains of battles scarring the walls of the mighty fortress.

"Even with his untrained eye"? Even Micah's untrained eye"?

To the east just under a cloudbank, two winged shapes leapt off a mountain and threw themselves into the air and began making their way toward them.

comma after "east", and possibly eliminate the first "and"

the dragon had been deliberately traveling slow

slowly

Noraxxis suddenly rolled thought the air and Micah found himself holding on for dear life as the dragon moved like a jet fighter avoiding a missle

through the air and a missile. I could use some punctuation (perhaps a comma after "air"?), as it's a bit of a mouthful

Suddenly as if he couldn’t regain his flight path, Noraxxis’ body plummeted uncontrollably out of the air.

comma after "suddenly"

Micah was sure there was two crater sized holes in the earth.

were two

Both dragons screamed in pain as they plummeted past them.

Perhaps without the "them"? I find the "they" and "them" referring to different grous annoying.

otherwise, not a bad piece, if rather short

please don't complain about excerpts being short (unless there's really not enough to judge them by) It takes long enough correcting them as it is. This is an excellent length (and yes, I'll work on shortening mine)

 

[Damiynn]

thanks crispin, and you others too, I went back and made the corrections noticed, I also caught that was comment you counted on, and the stone spires was removed entirely. I afortress has no need for them. I was sort of tired when I drafted it and hadn't really gave it a reread. I did last night and fixed it. Thanks, as to the jet fighter question, yes Micah is from our world and thats why I thought the comment might be relative.