Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegemony. Prologue

[Frontierzone]

Hi, all. I just got done publishing Frontier Zone. Ticonderoga a couple of weeks ago. Here is the prologue to my new project; Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegemony. I know it needs some work, but what do you think?


Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegemony.

By Stuart L. Sexton
frontierzone@verizon.net





































Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegemony.



















All characters are fictional, and any resemblance to real persons, either living, dead, Human, Yajeebian, Chun, Shardon, Mordum, or any other life form, are strictly coincidental.

Dedicated to God, The Blessed Virgin Mary, Amy, and to my mom.
Special thanks to all who have helped to proofread this work, including Erica Smith, Rick Dahm, and those at the Chronicles Network.


© 2008-2009 Stuart L. Sexton, all rights reserved.






















Prologue.



Stephanie Sexton stood on the dock, her grey hair blowing in the breeze, watching as the USS Ticonderoga departed. It was late January, 2105, and, even for Mississippi, the sea air was cool. The ship was technically still on her tour when she made her unscheduled stop on Earth, but due to extenuating circumstances, the crew was given a month of shore leave.

And, damn me, but they deserved every bit of their leave, after having thwarted that jackass Landon, thought Stephanie. That horse’s ass should never have been the Captain of MY ship! Well, girl, you’re in good hands, now. Jacob Amstutz will take good care of you. Of this, I have no doubts.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

To’ying’li had been promoted to Commander for her handling of the incident involving the Meea’zian. She had maintained her honor, as well as that of Clan Li. Her uncle, Admiral Tsu’jengi’li, was so proud of her that her had not only promoted her, but had given her the command of a Fu-gyu Class destroyer.

“This is indeed an honor, my uncle,” she had said to him, when she had gotten the promotion. Now, she wasn’t so sure. After the Shardon Emperor got wind of the United Systems Alliance Government’s pardoning of all four Meea’zians involved, she was now somewhat in disfavor, with both her clan and her Emperor.

She hadn’t been stripped of her previous honors, but she was reassigned. Her ship was now to patrol the area of space between the Shardon Empire and the Mordum Hegemony.

She looked out over her new ship’s Command Deck, her puma-like face showing just the slightest hint of the frustration that was welling up inside of her.

Damn Captain Amstutz, anyway, she thought. No, on second thought, I cannot damn him, since I have already blessed him. Besides, this is not his fault. Anyway, how could I possibly damn the one being in the universe whom I am madly in love with?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A tall male being, looking all the universe like an animated corpse, looked out over the Control Room of his Headquarters Vehicle, surveyed his staff with his eerie glowing red eyes, and smiled. His thin dark grey lips were sickening for any but a Mordum to behold. For Humans, this was a mute point, of course, since the Mordum never revealed their faces to an enemy at war.

And, since there was, as of yet, still no treaty between the Mordum Hegemony and the United Systems Alliance, no Human had ever seen a Mordum with his or her hood down. Of course, they were not in visual contact with the Humans at this time, so the General had no reason to hide his face.

“Captain Zilnik,” said General Malkantz to the female seated at the Sensor Control. “Continue to scan for any Human or Shardon space vehicles.”

“Sir, yes sir!” snapped the young female, whose eyes seemed to glow an especially bright red.

Hmm, thought the General, whose eyes also began to glow all the brighter. She is most definitely ready for mating. I shall have to meet with her after her duty shift…
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“That’s right, Captain,” said Admiral Hadley. “You are to report to Admiral Pauline Dolinski at New Guam. From there, you will get your new assignment. Until further notice, the Ticonderoga is on detached duty with the Seventh Fleet. With the Mordum Hegemony’s new round of saber rattling, we can’t take any chances. We need as many ships as we can to cover that area of space.”

Captain Amstutz frowned as he stared at the Holo-Vid screen image. “Aye, sir. We’ll set course for New Guam at once. Amstutz out.”
“Hadley out,” came the reply.

Hmph! Flarging schlorg and kremblotts! Thought the Captain.

One final note; This prologue is largely taken from the epilogue of Ticonderoga. I added some, especially the Mordum bit, but by-and-large, most of it is taken directly from the other book.

 

[BookStop]

was so proud of her that her

he

Damn Captain Amstutz, anyway, she thought. No, on second thought, I cannot damn him, since I have already blessed him. Besides, this is not his fault. Anyway, how could I possibly damn the one being in the universe whom I am madly in love with?

This seems a little forced so early in the tale, as we haven't yet been introduced to the character other than to know he'll take care of the aforementioned ship.

looking all the universe like an animated corpse

would prefer more description here instead of being told what I think he looks like

also, strange segue toward the mating issue - more i nformation needed I think about the control room and others present, that sort of thing

It's kind of confusing having there be so many different views in the prologue - I feel like I haven't gotten enough information about any one being or their surroundings. If you flesh this out some and perhaps stick to only a couple viewpoints instead of the 4 you have going, it might feel more engaging - as is it's rushed.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi FZ,

You'll have to excuse my ignorance, but in the last few days two of our esteemed members (you and Damiynn) have both announced that you have been published. This is excellent and very many sincere congratulations to you both, but do you not now have editors/ agents or whoever who can help get a piece of work in to the accepted house style?

I'm conscious that Chris submitted a piece to a US publisher who effectively demanded that it be re-written and simplified massively before being published. Given Chris' exceptional command of English, that struck me as being akin to asking Shakespeare to rewrite Hamlet for an audience of stoned teenagers whose idea of dramatic tension was trying to send a text message at the same time as rolling a joint.

I'm happy to give a crit on your work, but in light of all this, I'd be concerned that it was all a bit of a waste of time, as your publisher/editor may have very firm views about what he or she wants to see. It might therefore help if you let us know of any "ground rules" within which any critiques should be framed.

Regards,

Peter

PS: Was Ticonderoga not a battle in the Seven Years War (or similar)? I seem to recall something about the Black Watch being stuffed by the French as they tried to take the fort by storm.

 

[Frontierzone]

BookStop. Thanks. Oops! As for the second part, I'm hoping my readers will have read Ticonderoga first, since that book gives a full description of the characters. but, as I've said, this needs help, and is just a first draft.

Peter. I self publish, and so, rely on friends to help me proofread my work. I'm no great author, just someone trying to share my imagination with those who are interested. As for Ticonderoga, it was a battle in the American Revolution, and has been the name of several US Navy ships over the more than two Centuries since. The latest ship of that name was the USS Ticonderoga, CG 47, a Guided Missile Cruiser of the Ticonderoga Class. She was christened on 16 May 1981 by Nancy Reagan, and decommissioned on 30 September 2004, which is too short of a life span for so fine a ship, especially considering the fact that we are at war. (As, of course, we were already at war as of 9/11.)

 

[Frontierzone]

Oh, BookStop? How about this?

A tall, extremely thin, grey skinned being, with glowing red eyes, whose form seemed to be almost corpse-like.

.

I could then eliminate the further discription dealing with his red glowing eyes, except later, when his eyes also glow the brighter.

There is a reason for the change in POV. The book is actually going to be three parts. Part one from the POV of the Ticonderoga's crew, part two from To'ying'li's POV, and part three from General Malkantz's POV. I'll work on being more discriptive, and hope to be able to submit a better second draft.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi FZ,

Peter. I self publish, and so, rely on friends to help me proofread my work.

I understand! I shall try and have a proper look through tomorrow.

As for Ticonderoga, it was a battle in the American Revolution, and has been the name of several US Navy ships over the more than two Centuries since.

As you might imagine, it's not quite as famous over here, probably because we lost! It's mainly known as the backdrop for a particularly good (and allegedly true) Scottish ghost story which involves the prediction of death at Ticonderoga for a young Highland officer who somehow betrayed his clan by giving succour to the man who murdered his brother. All very complex, but a good yarn nonetheless!

Having said that, I'm sure it was fought during the Seven Years War and involved the French on the other side. Were there perhaps two battles with the same name? Did we really lose both?

Regards,

Peter

 

[svalbard]

I think there was three battles at Ticondergo. Initially the French defeated the British in 1777/8, I am really not sure of my dates. The British later captured the fort from the French before the Americans took it from the British in the Revolution.

FZ,

I also found it a bit confusing. A suggestion maybe to give larger passages to each POV. I am not a great fan of sci-fi so I cannot really comment on the story. From what I have read here and from your other posts, you have put depth into your world.

 

[BookStop]

I was hoping that was so - and that I might get a chance to read some of the aforementioned work as well - but that being said, you can't assume everyone will have read the first work. I would still love to see more description in each point of view. Your writing is definitelty interesting, and I would like to see more.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi FZ,

Stephanie Sexton stood on the dock, her grey hair blowing in the breeze, watching as the USS Ticonderoga departed. It was late January, 2105

You don't need a comma after "January"

, and, even for Mississippi, the sea air was cool. The ship was technically still on her tour when she made her unscheduled stop on Earth, but due to extenuating circumstances, the crew was given a month of shore leave.

This paragraph needs breaking down and perhaps re-writing. At present, you go from weather to ship to shore leave - it's a bit of a jarring gear change to shift from general description to detailed, specific facts

To’ying’li had been promoted to Commander for her handling of the incident involving the Meea’zian. She had maintained her honor, as well as that of Clan Li. Her uncle, Admiral Tsu’jengi’li,

Just an observation, but unpronouncable names may well make some readers switch off. I appreciate you want to give a flavour of the exotic, but for many people it helps if they are a little easier to follow!

was so proud of her that her had not only promoted her, but had given her the command of a Fu-gyu Class destroyer.

If "Fu-gyu" is a deliberate play on words, this was very clever indeed...

“This is indeed an honor, my uncle,” she had said to him, when she had gotten the promotion. Now, she wasn’t so sure. After the Shardon Emperor got wind of the United Systems Alliance Government’s pardoning of all four Meea’zians involved, she was now somewhat in disfavor, with both her clan and her Emperor

There is a shift in narrative voice from character p.o.v to a kind of omniscient explanatory dialogue. It's better to pick one and stick with it. To avoid info-dumping, the necessary background info can come out via (for example) dialogue - Culhwch's recent excellent post is a good example of how this can be done.

She hadn’t been stripped of her previous honors, but she was reassigned.

Tense changes mid-sentence. Either "...and she had been reassigned" or "...She wasn't stripped of her honours..."

She looked out over her new ship’s Command Deck, her puma-like face

I got confused here as to whether she is human or some form of cat-alien. If the latter, no problem, but go a bit further and tell us more about her appearance. If not, perhaps consider softening the image.

A tall male being, looking all the universe like an animated corpse,

I thought this was a bit of a clumsy description - "being" is a horribly undescriptive word and his height is surely secondary to the fact that he looks like a corpse. I envisage a gaunt, charnel-house figure and I think you should bring this out before you tell us about more mundane matters such as height and gender.

looked out over the Control Room of his Headquarters Vehicle, surveyed his staff with his eerie glowing red eyes

I'd lose "eerie". This amounts to a subjective view which is outwith the objective narrative voice you have established. If you need to describe the eyes further, do so with reference to the impression they make on one of your p.o.v characters.

and smiled. His thin dark grey lips were sickening for any but a Mordum to behold. For Humans, this was a mute point, of course, since the Mordum never revealed their faces to an enemy at war.

You're changing tone in narrative voice again to drop in explanatory dialogue, although I accept that this would probably male more sense if someone had read your first book. Incidentally, it's "moot", not "mute" in this context.

Of course, they were not in visual contact with the Humans at this time, so the General had no reason to hide his face.

Narrative voice again. For the most part, the narrative voice in this piece is from the "fly on the wall" perspective. The explanatory dialogue (and especially the use of "of course") are "asides", suggesting the chatty style of the author talking direct to the reader - Henry Fielding does this brilliantly in Tom Jones and Tolkien also does it well in "The Hobbit". You need to choose which style you will use, but you need to avoid using both.

Hmph! Flarging schlorg and kremblotts!

I know opinion is divided on this. For my part, I don't like invented swear words - the endless use of "smeg" in Red Dwarf being a fine example (although it is possible that the censors didn't realise that "smeg" was an existing slang word for something quite unsavoury). If your characters are talking like humans, have 'em swear like humans too.

Regards,

Peter

 

[Frontierzone]

Thanks, one and all. I'm actually going to do a complete rewrite, strictly from the Mordum perspective. I had to rethink this, since much of the prologue was actually taken from the epilogue of the last book, which cheapens this prologue somewhat.

Oh, and an aside. No, Fu-gyu was not a deliberate pun. I named the class in the Role-playing game that I wrote, set in this universe, published the damn thing, then noticed the apparent (but accidental) play on words. It's now part of the canon of my Frontier Zone Universe, so I'm stuck with it. Not so clever, I'm afraid, but still amusing.

Oh, and my humans do swear like humans. It's just that, in the epilogue of my last book, Captain Amstutz is being shown as having been around the alien character of Miki so much, that he was beginning to think like her. It seemed amusing at the time, and in context, it is. But, since I'm going to do a total rewrite, it's neither here or there.

 

[Frontierzone]

Here's a writeup on the Battle of Ticonderoga.

The Battle of Ticonderoga 1777