Time Watchers: The Greatest of These

[Robsia]

This is the first few paragraphs of my book which is finished but which I am now editing.

It's the first in a planned series of Time Watchers books. And the place and time at the beginning is necessary.

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Title: Time Watchers: The Greatest of These





(Quote on flyleaf to explain where title comes from)

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.​

1 Corinthians 13:13​

CHAPTER ONE​

Torquay, circa 7,000 BCE​

The slight young woman crouched motionless and patient in the brush, her rough skin tunic and pants rendering her all but invisible in the browns and oranges of the autumnal forest. The dried dung she had rubbed on her face and hands prevented her scent from being carried should the wind change. Even though her ambush was downwind of her prey, a sudden shift of the chilly breeze could easily alert the target to her presence – the masking of her dangerous human scent was a necessary safeguard. She held a neat bow and a slender fletched arrow loosely in one hand, its business end bristling with tiny flint barbs glued, harpoon-like, along both sides of the shaft and tipped with a razor-sharp arrowhead no longer than the end joint of her forefinger.


The sun shone unimpeded in the cool blue sky but the breeze was from the north and carried the grim promise of the winter to come. The Cave had been out in force every day for some time now, either hunting the summer-fattened game which roamed the forest slopes, or harvesting the fruits and wild grains for their winter storage.


The small herd of red deer grazed unconcernedly in the clearing ahead. As they browsed, seeking the freshest grass, a half grown fawn moved away from its dam. Born the previous spring, it still bore the faintest dappling across its back. The meat would be juicy and tender and it was small enough for a strong young woman to haul home alone. She rose to her feet and fitted the arrow to her bow. She sighted precisely through the trees and pulled her arm back silently.


Davek moved stealthily through the forest, his target in plain sight, his bow slung across his back. This prey required no weapon. A grin spread across his face and he placed his large wooden-soled sandals deliberately as he moved closer.

The sudden crack of a dry branch resounded through the undergrowth. Heads up, the red deer bounded away as one and the young woman hurriedly let fly the now-useless arrow, knowing even as she did so that the deer were out of range and cursing as it fell short. She turned furiously on Davek, who was looking ruefully at his feet.


“You fool!” she shouted. “I nearly had that half-year fawn!” She flung herself around to face him, cheeks burning with rage, strands of her long dark hair escaping from the leather thong which tied it back and whipping in the stiff breeze. He reached out a hand to gently smooth the locks but she slapped it viciously away with the tip of her bow.


Davek exclaimed in pain and looked at the blood dripping down the back of his hand in surprise. He grabbed for her but she twisted away from him, jogging across the clearing to retrieve her precious arrow. She had traded several finely made wooden cooking bowls and a string of matched sea shells with the old toolmaker’s mate for the last batch of arrows he had made, and she didn’t plan on losing any if she could help it. While most people could knock out a reasonable arrow or spearhead, none could match his skill. Since his death his tools were prized dearly.


“Yani!” he called after her. “Wait!” He caught her up and grabbed her arm, pulling her round to face him.


“My name is Yana!” she said, turning on him. “Only my friends call me Yani! Let go of me!” she said angrily, brandishing the dangerously sharp flint-tipped arrow in his face, and tried to pull away from his grip.


“Oh, Yani, you don’t mean that,” he said, caressing her sun-reddened cheek with his free hand. “You would have got your deer if I hadn’t trodden on that branch,” he said, glancing down again at his large feet. “You’re a fine hunter.” He spoke appeasingly and Yana thawed a fraction.


“Well, you’re a liability,” she retorted grumpily, trying again to pull away. “Will you let go of my arm!”


“You don’t really want me to, do you?” he said, plucking her arrow out of her hand and dropping it on the ground, arrogantly confident. He pushed her back against a tree and smoothly, with the ease of practice, undid the thong that held her tunic closed. He pushed the worn leather aside and closed one hand over one firm young breast, savouring the warm flesh as he brushed her cold-hardened nipple with his thumb. He was leaning in for the kiss when hot pain suddenly exploded in his groin and he staggered to the ground, groaning. When his eyesight cleared, he looked up to see Yana standing over him, calmly re-fastening her thong.

 

[ctg]

I cannot comment on the grammar, but the prologue doesn't catch me at all. The reasons are:

1) You start with the one scene, and then move completely to another scene, therefore confusing the reader. Advice is to stay with the woman and build the scenery around her, don't let the narrator to take over and info-dump something that isn't necessary info for the scene.

2) Action should be sharp. Try to write action with short, punctual sentences.

3) Head-popping, the sin every aspiring writers seem to fall. This is going to sound bad, but you need to rewrite whole thing with keeping in mine that you can only use ONE POINT-OF-VIEW PER SCENE. IF you switch, then use a chapter break or one empty line between paragraphs to tell the reader of the switch-over. I personally use rule of one POV per chapter.

 

[Robsia]

Do you mean when Davek comes on the scene? How would you write that from her POV when she doesn't know he's there? Actual question, not rhetorical.

If you spot any GSP errors please do point them out.

I have a bad habit of writing in the passive. I change them when I spot them but sometimes they slip through.

 

[ctg]

I'm not going to edit or rewrite this for you, so think about what I am explaining here.

You start with your female character in high intensity situation, where she is hunting. As she comes from such far away from our time, she should be more accustomed to the trade of hunting then what we are. Therefore nothing should come as an surprise to her and she should know everything that is out there. Unless it deliberately hidden, ie. hunter being hunted.

You stick with those facts. You explain the trade. The scenery. Then you move swiftly into the action. When you start to describing it, you write short sentences as if you would be a sports commentator (without additional bladi-bla).

When you bring in the another actor, in this case the male, you bring him in by using her point-of-view. You use her thoughts, and observations to explain the other character. You also use her thoughts, senses, and observations to explain how he comes in and what then happens. When you are ready and you think you have written enough about that character, or its convenient time to switch over to another POV, then you do it, but you don't do it in the middle of the scenery. That's big no-no.

 

[chopper]

you could stick with Davek, using his POV to describe Yana as he ambushes her.

otherwise, if Davek is not the sort of character you want as a primary character, (and he doesn't seem the hero-type) you can sit in Yana's head to describe her frustration with him as she realises he must have followed her all the way through the forest to get her alone.

staying with one POV does allow the reader to settle in with the character (hence head-popping) - though you can always take it too far, as i'm discovering in my own work...

 

[Robsia]

Thank you!

He is definitely not a hero - he is a primary character, but an antagonist rather than a protagonist.

I am going to have to watch that POV thing as I think I tend to do it a lot. I tend to write like a film or TV programme in my head, when they switch from scene to scene pretty quickly. But I can see it would be a distraction in writing.

 

[chopper]

POV can be a very effective writing tool, depending on how you want to write.
the problem with antagonists is that you have to watch how they're thinking sometimes, otherwise you can give a lot of the plot away by their musing over their various diabolic schemes. of course, that might be something you actually want to do, but if that's the case the antagonists have to be written extremely strongly and might overshadow the heroes. in my own example, the reader will know only as much as the heroine does (not a lot) as the book will be written entirely from her POV - if i wrote a chapter from Malessar's POV, or Baum's, or even Meredith's, i'd have to seriously circumscribe their thoughts, otherwise i'd give the entire game away and the planned end of the book would lose its force.
some authors, like GRRM, Erikson, Peter F Hamilton, & (military sf) David Weber rely on multiple (and we mean multiple!) POVs because their world & story are just too big. Weber even head-pops during scenes and chapters - quite hard to enjoy sometimes when you've started training yerself not to do that - grab one of his from a library to tr y it out & see if it works for you.

s