Young writer looking for advice

[Gushlab]

I'm sixteen years old and started writing my story (title in progress) a year ago. I've nearly finshed it but i'm not sure whether my writing is up to a good standard. Please tell me what you think, all advice is welcome.


The Council of The cats


The atmosphere was tense. The heady aroma of incense and sweat mingled with unsettled apprehension that radiated off the strangers in waves. Two dull flickering torches set in brackets gave off a sickly orange grow, illuminating the tiny room making more shadows than light, giving every surface and object a sinister face.
Plush, feather engorged pillows sat haphazardly in the far left corner offering nothing but making the room smaller. Dust lingered on their silky, embroidered surfaces, making it hard to determine the reds from the whites and suggesting the room was in a state of neglect, possibly for many years.
Running on the wall next to the depressed pillows stood a bookcase. It towered above the nervous, hooded visitors intimidating them with its vastly held knowledge, tattered books with spider webs linking them to one another sat in the shelves with titles too dirt encrusted to read, scrolls tightly rolled up were jumbled into slanting pyramids and beside them tomes in tightly ordered rows silently held the most knowledge of all.
Above such a terrifying bookcase hung a painting, even if any of the strangers braved their eyes above the shelves they would be met by a gruesome image of a yeti whose face was twisted between rage and great pain.
The hooded folk were not however staring up near the painting or at anything else for that matter. Each of their unseen eyes was focused on only one thing: the wall in front in them.
Red cloth draped across the wall half-heartedly, most of its expensive material hung near the floor like a pool of blood. In front of the material where all eyes trained upon was a long banner made out of brittle parchment. Delicately drawn on the frail paper was the skull of a cat.
Often it was debated over what breed the skull of the cat was, some said it was a panther’s and others said it was a tiger’s in any case the skull represented what the group of people were there for. The council of the cats.

 

[Peter Graham]

Your writing is absolutely fine - a few things to iron out, but you can definitely do it, so keep going!

I like your descriptive style - helps set the tone. Again, you might want to ease back on some of the adverbs and adjectives, but you have nothing to worry about.

By way of example form the first few lines:-

The atmosphere was tense. The heady aroma of incense and sweat mingled with unsettled apprehension that radiated off the strangers in waves.

It might be better to say either "...an unsettled apprehension..." or replace "that" with "which".

Two dull

comma

flickering torches set in brackets gave off a sickly orange grow,

glow?

illuminating the tiny room making more shadows than light, giving every surface and object a sinister face.

this doesn't make much sense. "..which failed to penetrate the shadows of the room and did little more than throw the angles and surfaces into sinister relief"??????

Plush, feather engorged

engorged looks wrong. Just say "feather pillows" - you already tell us that they are plush, which is enoughto convey what you are saying here.

pillows sat haphazardly in the far left corner offering nothing but making the room smaller.

Again, this looks a bit odd. "...serving no purpose but to make the room lok smaller"???


Regards,

Peter

 

[chrispenycate]

I'm sixteen years old and started writing my story (title in progress) a year ago. I've nearly finshed it but i'm not sure whether my writing is up to a good standard. Please tell me what you think, all advice is welcome.


The Council of The cats


The atmosphere was tense. The heady aroma of incense and sweat mingled with

the?

unsettled apprehension that radiated off the strangers in waves. Two dull flickering torches set in brackets gave off a sickly orange grow

glow

, illuminating the tiny room

comma

making more shadows than light, giving every surface and object a sinister face.

Plush, feather engorged pillows sat haphazardly in the far left corner offering nothing

comma; or possibly "offering nothing but a reduction in the room's size"

but making the room smaller. Dust lingered on their silky, embroidered surfaces, making it hard to determine

I think either "tell" rather than "determine", or an "and" rather than a "from"

the reds from the whites and suggesting the room was in a state of neglect, possibly for many years.

Running on the wall next to the depressed pillows stood a bookcase. It towered above the nervous, hooded visitors

comma

intimidating them with its vastly held

how can you hold something "vastly? Perchance "the vast knowledge it held"?

knowledge,

full stop, or at least a semicolon

tattered books with spider webs linking them to one another sat in the shelves with titles too dirt encrusted to read, scrolls tightly rolled up were jumbled into slanting pyramids and

comma

beside them

comma

tomes in tightly ordered rows silently held the most knowledge of all.

Above such a terrifying bookcase hung a painting,

full stop

even if any of the strangers braved their eyes above the shelves they would be met by a gruesome image of a yeti whose face was twisted between rage and great pain.

The hooded folk were not

comma

however

comma

staring up near the painting or at anything else for that matter. Each of their unseen eyes was focused on only one thing: the wall in front in them.

Red cloth draped across the wall half-heartedly, most of its expensive material hung

probably "hanging"

near the floor like a pool of blood. In front of the material

commas round"where all eyes trained upon it", or if it's the material itself the focus of attention, "which all eyes…" "

where all eyes trained upon was a long banner made out of brittle parchment. Delicately drawn on the frail paper was the skull of a cat.

Often it was debated over what breed the skull of the cat was,

semicolon

some said it was a panther’s and others said it was a tiger’s

full stop

in any case the skull represented what the group of people were there for. The council of the cats.

 

[Mad Tam McC]

Hello, good stuff, one thing though, if writing from the point of view of cats is the use of colour in descriptions.

I believe cats have some colour vision, but not as much as us. You might want to read up on it.

The same mistake was made in Watership Down with rabbits!

Cheers

 

[The Ace]

I quite liked it, actually. It's refreshing to see a sixteen-year-old who can spell, for a change.

 

[Gushlab]

Thank you for your comments, i know my grammer needs checking i just wasn't sure if my writing sounded 'professional' hopefully I'll improve as i keep writing

 

[The Pelagic Argosy]

It's very vivid. You paint a very striking picture of this scene, and I'm impressed that you got most of the senses in there in only a few lines. Nicely done.

To echo what Peter said, though, it's a bit too wordy. For example...

The atmosphere was tense. The heady aroma of incense and sweat mingled with unsettled apprehension that radiated off the strangers in waves.

You don't need the first sentence at all. It's not necessary to say that the atmosphere was tense and then proceed to describe a tense atmosphere. Also, a phrase like "unsettled apprehension" is redundant. (Is there a way to be calmly apprehensive?) But, again, you don't need to slip another synonym for "tense" in there. In place of this whole bit, I would just say something straightforward: "The room reeked of incense and sweat."

There's a lot of unnecessary nudging on your part (or your narrator's part, depending on how you want to view it) to explain to us how to feel about your scene. "Tense...apprehensive...terrifying... a suggested state of neglect," etc. Again, if you set the scene vividly enough (I don't see that that will be a problem), this added commentary isn't necessary. Don't worry. We'll "get" it.

But, I don't think you should worry about editing until you have a completed draft. In the early stages of writing, just go ahead and let the words flow. Just let it all hang out: the flowery description, the commentary, all the adjectives and adverbs you want. Then, when you're ready to edit, go back and look at each bit, see what vital information it contains, and state it directly. You might find that you can reduce whole paragraphs into just a few words. So don't fall too in love with them. It's easier to trim the fat when you've got a nice, thick steak to work with.

Man, I used a lot of words to tell you not to be so wordy.

 

[Troo]

Hi Gushlab,

I'd say if you're writing like this at the age of sixteen, you've got a very, very good chance of polishing up nicely. Keep practicing. Read voraciously. I have no doubt you'll get there.

Take all advice as it is meant: advice, not absolute command. Including this advice

 

[Malloriel]

I must say that I'm mightily impressed! I've been writing since . . . oh, probably five or six. I usually say since I found out which end of a pencil made scribble marks, and I know that for me I've been encouraged and had praise heaped on me that I almost never took seriously until I was in high school, that I had a real talent. In fourth grade, for example, I wrote a piece at my mum's work during a bring your daughter to work day. I must have been about nine at the time and it was just a page or two of a burgeoning supernatural thriller about a haunted house, told by an outside source. The narrator herself was Yoshiko (we were doing a Japanese unit in class), and she was telling the tale to a group of . . . children I think. Then I just stopped, printed it, played with the the copier and handed it out to the real estate agents (for that was where she worked) who were in the office at the time, and I had people coming back to my mum the next day to ask for the rest of the story.

I have to admit that it's made me a little . . . oh let's go ahead and admit it. I'm terribly particular. It's hard for me to even choose what books that have BEEN published to read and usually need someone to tell me which ones are worth the money (since I do prefer to own). I love being able to help as I can, always admitting that I'm giving my perspective and preferences, but with no little experience behind it (lacking actual publication).

You have me impressed. A lovely grasp of the language, evocative imagery. I see, as do the others, areas where you could use improvement, but with even a little effort you could easily be published before you're 18. I'd be jealous if I wasn't so content fleshing out to infinity my own world.

I've had the same over-flowery description problem for years (one I think I've mostly bested!), but it was a comment I'd receive a lot back in high school, so it may just be that time period where it strikes most viciously. Anyway, I'd make only the most basic changes, and shall do so even now!

A lot of it may just be rephrasing or the rearranging of what you already have, so bear with me.

Disclaimer: The editing expressed in this excerpt reflect only the views of Malloriel and should only be accepted should the effect be overall pleasing to the author, and not accepted as the absolute best route possible as it is merely born of Malloriel's own tastes and experiences in writing.

Thank you,

The Management.

---

The Council of The Cats


Apprehension radiated off the strangers in waves as they stood just within the entrance to the small and once grand room, the heady aroma of incense and sweat mingling around them as if in greeting. A sickly orange glow emanated from two flickering torches, which made more shadow than useful light, and gave a sinister face to everything within the room with their unpredictable dance.

Plush pillows, likely filled with feathers, sat haphazardly in the far left corner offering, nothing more than the impression that the room was smaller than it first appeared. Dust lingered on their silky, embroidered surfaces, making it hard to discern the reds from the whites and suggesting the room was in a severe state of neglects. How long had it been in such disuse?

Along the wall next to the depressed pillows stood a bookcase. It towered above the hooded visitors as if to intimidate them with the vastness of the knowledge held within its still intact shelves. Tattered books linked to one another by a network of spider webs sat within the dust and darkness with titles too dirt encrusted to read. Scrolls tightly rolled up were jumbled into slanting pyramids, and beside them tomes in tightly ordered rows looked to silently guard the most knowledge of all.

Above the mouldering monument to forgotten knowledge hung a painting, and even if any of the strangers had braved a glance above the shelves they would be met by the gruesome image of a yeti, whose face twisted between rage and agony.

None of those present, however, noticed these things; the pillows, the bookcase or the imposing beast above. Each of their unseen gazes focused on only one thing: The wall that faced them.

Red cloth draped itself across the wall half-heartedly, most of it pooling on the floor like blood; a facade of glittering wealth, decaying but not quite dead, clinging to the idea that there was something it once represented, yet forgetful of the reason. Sprawling before the material where all eyes lingered was a long banner of brittle parchment where it could still be seen, delicately drawn on the frail paper, the skull of a cat. Often it had been debated from what breed of cat the skull could be --some said it must have been a panther, others claimed a tiger, but in any case the skull represented what the small group had come for: The Council of the Cats.

---

Obviously you can see a lot of changes there. A lot of rephrasing, a little guess work on my part as to the atmosphere you were attempting to convey, the guess work laying in my interpretation and my own attempts at capturing it and returning it in the intensity you were looking for.

Hopefully, comparing it to what you do have, you can find some medium place that makes you comfortable where you can tell the same tale with the same vivid images and pick and choose which adjectives to use and where.

Oh, also! And very important. Something I noticed you do is state things as fact. Now, this can work if you work with omniscient third person, but that's not only not always the most comfortable POV, but means you can't really tell a story from the perspective of a character or group of characters. When you DO tell it from their perspective, you have to describe things as they would observe them. Example being the pillows. In your post here you STATE that they're engorged with feathers, which they would really only know if they went over and picked them up, or if they'd been there previously. As you're giving the reader the knowledge that this place has been long forgotten/neglected, we must assume that they don't really know what's in the pillows, or the scrolls. Only that some of the scrolls look several times more important than others and probably hold much more knowledge, but they can't KNOW it. Even if you do.

As the writer you SHOULD know more than any of your characters, but keep in mind that none of them will know anything near as much as you do, so don't let them reach into your mind and tell you what they've found. Tell them what they know and don't let them trick you into giving anything more.

You have such promise and potential it's blinding. ^_^ I can't wait to see more from you.

 

[Troo]

I hate to say it Malloriel, but I'd suggest Gushlab actually disregards most of the changes that you've made. Note that I am not saying what you have written is bad. But what you have done is completely overwhelmed Gushlab's "voice" with your own, and taken away what was distinctive and unique about his writing, making it more generic and mass-market-paperbacky.

Gushlab cuts through the purple prose and gets to what's important in his setting. Your version sounds like what I might read out to a roleplaying group when first setting the scene, possibly with some Carl Orff playing in the background.

On the other hand, this is an excellent example of why one should pick and choose the advice one listens to carefully, as Malloriel's feedback about Point of View is accurate. You just don't want to end up writing like him (because that's his job). You want to write like yourself.