Critiquing for Unnamed Story (It's A Sci-Fi and Fantasy if you are wondering)

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Valhalla

Vigilante Showboat
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This is a little snippet... isn't even a whole chapter... from one of the stories I am working on at the moment. Any critiquing would be wonderful.

---
Every sat quietly in the Chemistry class, feeding information from the notes written on the SmartWall into their personal CompanionBots. At the front of the class, the TeacherInterface beeped, monitoring movement in the class while the teacher was still in connected to the ClassInterface.
Suddenly the door to the classroom slid open and a girl raced in. Her light brown hair was flying around face and her eyes, one green and one blue, looked anxiously at the teacher. She was followed by the floating form of her TeachBot, which was coloured in the school colours, Blue and Yellow and had written on its side ‘Stephanie Caprica’ and underneath that it smaller writing ‘Teddy’. Suddenly the teacher jerked out of the ClassInterface and looked around wildly. He had obviously been jerked, unexpectedly, out of the DigitalWorld. He frowned at the girl and she attempted a smile.
“Late again I see, Stephanie. Anyone would think you do not like Chemistry. Mr. Stuart informs me you are always on time for Physics, usually early in fact. And yet you always manage to show up late for this class, by at least five minutes.”
“Sorry Mr Gairns, I didn’t mean to. You see, I had to-,”
“Do not even try to talk your way out of it; this is almost one too many times.” Mr Gairns said, “If you are late to class next lesson, you are getting a detention.”
“Yes, Sir. Thankyou, Sir.” She said, scuttling over to the nearest seat and taking no notice of who was sitting there. When she looked at one of her neighbours, she groaned.
She had sat next to her copy, an identical twin in all but one way. Where Steph’s left eye was blue, hers was green, and where Steph’s right eye was green, hers was blue. In the side of her TeachBot was the name ‘Sienna Caprica’.
“Why did I have to sit next to you?” Steph asked herself. She stood up to move to another seat and the TeacherInterface made a warning sound at her.
“I hate my life.” Steph said sitting down again and pretending to sob into her arm.
“Grow up.” Sienna said
“You know Jennifer always says we shouldn’t try to grow up.” Steph said “We’re going to grow up whether we like it or not.”
Sienna sighed and Steph looked at her, propping her head up with her hand.
“Depressing isn’t it.” Steph said
“Are you going to do any work this lesson?”
“You know I don’t really need to come to this lesson.”
“Yeah, because of your illegal upgrades.”
“They aren’t illegal, once you turn sixteen you can get whatever brain surge you want. A couple of book chips are basically nothing.”
“They’re basically cheating. Good thing they banned plastic surgery back in 2010 or you wouldn’t look anything like me anymore.”
“Too right I wouldn’t, I would do everything possible to look as little like you as possible, and then maybe I could pretend I wasn’t related to the party-pooper.”
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
“But these days, it is virtually impossible to change your looks. That’s even more depressing.”
“All you’re ever doing is complaining.”
“It’s because I’m related to you, and it’s obvious that I am.”
“Could you two shut up?” One of the girls in the front row snapped. Sienna looked suddenly like she was going to break into tears, where as Steph curled her hands into fists.
“What did you say?” Steph said
“I said shut up.”
Steph suddenly shot out of her chair and dived at the girl. The girl looked obviously shocked and would have receive a fair punch in the face, if another girl hadn’t grabbed Steph.
“Sit down Capp.” She said
“You are unruly.” Sienna said then turned to the girl who had held Steph back “Thanks Kate.”
“She told you to shut up Sienna,”
“Don’t pretend you were trying to protect my honour. I know for a fact you were only protecting yourself.”
“This is why I don’t like you, you never except help even though you quite obviously need it. You are a crybaby.”
 
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[/quote]
I'm going to critique this as if it were conventional language, though I've recognised it isn't. Please feel free to ignore anything you did deliberately, and concentrate on anything I might have found that crept in.
This is a little snippet... isn't even a whole chapter... from one of the stories I am working on at the moment. Any critiquing would be wonderful.

---
Every
Everyone?
sat quietly in the Chemistry class, feeding information from the notes written on the SmartWall into their personal CompanionBots. At the front of the class, the TeacherInterface beeped, monitoring movement in the class whiles
while
the teacher,
was
still in the InterfaceClass.
Suddenly the door to the classroom slid open and a girl raced in. Her light brown hair was flying around
her
face and her eyes, one green and one blue, looked anxiously at the teacher. She was followed by the floating form of her TeachBot, which was coloured in the school colours, Blue and Yellow and had written on its side ‘Stephanie Caprica’ and underneath that it smaller writing ‘Teddy’. Suddenly the teacher jerked out of the InterfaceClass and looked around wildly. He had obviously been jerked, unexpectedly, out of the DigitalWorld.
it would be better if one of the "jerked"s was a synonym
He frowned at the girl and she attempted a smile.
“Late again I see, Stephanie. Anyone would think you do not like Chemistry. Mr. Stuart informs me you are always on time for Physics, usually early in fact. And yet you always manage to show up late for this class, by at least five minutes.”
“Sorry Mr Gairns, I didn’t mean to. You see, I had to-,”
“Do not even try to talk your way out of it; this is one to
too
many times.” Mr Gairns said, “If you are late to class next lesson, you are getting a detention.”
“Yes, Sir. Thankyou, Sir.” She said, scuttling over to the nearest seat and taking no notice of who was sitting there. When she looked at one of her neighbours, she groaned.
She had sat next to her copy, an identical twin in all but one way.
possibly "a twin, identical in every way but one"?
Where Steph’s left eye was blue, hers was green, and where Steph’s right eye was green, hers was blue. In
On?
the side of her TeachBot was the name ‘Sienna Caprica’.
“Why did I have to sit next to you?” Steph asked herself. She stood up to move to another seat and the TeacherInterface made a warning sound at her.
“I hate my life.” Steph said sitting down again and pretending to sob into her arm.
“Grow up.” Sienna said
“You know Jennifer always says we shouldn’t try to grow up.” Steph said “We’re going to grow up whether we like it or not.”
Sienna sighed and Steph looked at her, propping her head up with her hand.
“Depressing isn’t it.” Steph said “Are you going to do any work this lesson?”
“You know I don’t really need to come to this lesson.”
“Yeah, because of your illegal upgrades.”
“They aren’t illegal,
semicolon
once you turn sixteen you can get whatever brain surge you want. A couple of book chips are basically nothing.”
“They’re basically cheating. Good thing they banned plastic surgery back in 2010 or you wouldn’t look anything like me anymore.”
“Too right I wouldn’t, I would do everything possible to look as little like you as possible, and then maybe I could pretend I wasn’t related to the party-pooper.”
possibly eliminate one of the "possible"s?
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
“But these days, it is virtually impossible to change your looks. That’s even more depressing.”
“All you’re ever doing is complaining.”
“It’s because I’m related to you, and it’s obvious that I am.”
“Could you two shut up?” One of the girls in the front row snapped. Sienna looked suddenly like she was going to break into tears, where as
whereas
Steph curled her hands into fists.
“What did you say?” Steph said
“I said shut up.”
Steph suddenly shot out of her chair and dived at the girl. The girl looked obviously shocked and would have receive a fair punch in the face, if another girl hadn’t grabbed Steph.
“Sit down Capp.” She said
“You are unruly.” Sienna said
comma
then turned to the girl who had held Steph back “Thanks Kate.”
“She told you to shut up
comma
Sienna,”
]“Don’t pretend you were trying to protect my honour. I know for a fact you were only protecting yourself.”
“This is why I don’t like you, you never except
accept
help even though you quite obviously need it. You are a crybaby.”
 
I got somewhat difficult to identify who was speaking and when ... maybe it's because I'm getting old and I need some indicators on the narrative. Another point is with the technology you describe there. Would a user need to transfer manually material from a digital blackboard, when they have bots there (assuming bots are perfectly capable on doing that on their own)?
 
I got somewhat difficult to identify who was speaking and when ... maybe it's because I'm getting old and I need some indicators on the narrative. Another point is with the technology you describe there. Would a user need to transfer manually material from a digital blackboard, when they have bots there (assuming bots are perfectly capable on doing that on their own)?

Of course it could have been downloaded directly, even downloaded into the children's memories; but then it wouldn't have been sticking to the children's consciousnesses on the way past. There has to be an effort, however minor, on the part of the pupil for education to take place; printed lecture notes are much less effective than those taken by the student, because the latter has been forced to think, an operation which leaves traces on the memory.

I'm more surprised about the physical proximity of the different pupils, and the teacher; most unhygienic. However, this appears to be for socialisation reasons (though why the motion sensors didn't go hysterical at the little scuffle, I don't understand. Surely one pupil punching another in the face is supposed to be one of the things they're programmed to prevent?)
 
Yeah... that is an issue isn't it... will have to iron that one out

And thanks for all your comments

most of those mistakes are stupid errors, I'll clean it up.

I appreciate it
 
I'll echo cris' concern about the squabble - why did the teacher get into a snit about this girl being late, and yet, is letting them chatter on and on and then get into a fist fight?

My biggest complaint with this excerpt is the lack of descriptive detail. You mention some (possibly) interesting technology, but none of it is described enough. I know that the "Teachbot" is painted in the school colors, but, otherwise, I have no idea what a "Teachbot" is. Is it a big, intrusive thing? Humanoid? Is it cute? What's its function?

Aside from the technology, this seems to be a traditional classroom setting - students sitting at desks with a teacher. I wonder, with all of this technology, the "Interfaces" and stuff, why this is necessary. The teacher is completely detached, mentally, from the classroom. ("...Jerked, unexpectedly, from the DigitalWorld.") Why do the students need to assemble in a classroom, if there are receiving their information via interfaces? They could do that from home.

The dialogue is also problematic. There's a lot of it, and yet, very little information about the characters and situation is imparted. Aside from the fact that these two girls seem to be sisters, and they squabble - that much is clear from the first few lines. Sorry to say, it gets very dull to read after that. The tussle at the end comes out of nowhere. I'm not sure which character I'm supposed to sympathize with (or hate) and why.
 
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