The Rush

[Pyar]

Hi Everyone, here is a short story that I wrote recently and I was wondering if anyone had any comments. Thanks!

The Rush

Simone was tired of boarding the same train day after day. She climbed in and sat in the seat closest to the door. Glancing around, she noticed that the same old woman was there, with her annoying little poodle. She always pets the thing, trying to soothe it with her high squeaky voice. Simone couldn’t help but be annoyed at her audacity and persistence. She kept looking around; it was the usual crowd. Some of these people only took the train just so they had something to do. Others, like Simone, had jobs to do and duties to fulfill.

Simone picked up her purse and started rummaging through it. Pushing aside a pack of cigarettes and a vibrating cell phone, she took out the first lipstick she saw. Taking off the cap, she slowly twisted it, revealing a deep red. She smiled for a second, lifted her head, and pretended to look around. There he was the man always staring at her. She spread the lipstick slowly across her lips and put it back into her purse.
She got up and started pacing back and forth. She took out a cigarette and started twirling it in her hands it was her nervous habit. She couldn’t decide whether or not to approach him, whether it was the right time. All of a sudden the train stopped, it braked so hard that Simone lost her footing and fell backwards. Her heel snapped and she was thrown on the ground.

Her purse fell out of her hand before she had a chance to get a grip on it. She picked up her black frame glasses, thanking Jesus they weren’t broken. As she slowly bent down to pick up her cigarettes, the man walked over and bent down to help her. As he reached for the condom that fell out of her purse he brushed her hand and whispered in her ear, “The next stop is mine…” A cold shiver ran through her body, Simone couldn’t believe what she just heard.

She stood up and turned towards him. Their eyes caught each other but only Simone was paralyzed by his electrifying stare. She heard the door open and the moment was broken. The annoying poodle was barking hysterically and the old lady was screaming at the top of her lungs. People began rushing out of the compartment, along with the man. Simone thought for a second and reluctantly made her decision. She walked off the train.

It was dark outside, almost pitch black. She could not see where he went but she continued going straight down the sidewalk. A car speeded by, blaring loud hip hop music. She could hear a man and woman fighting in the nearest building. Simone felt right in her element. As she kept walking, she looked around.

All of a sudden she felt someone behind her. She spun around, almost breaking her other heel. It was him. She grabbed him, put her arms around his muscular body, and kissed him. Simone could feel the pleasure and power surging through her; she couldn’t believe that she had finally done it. As she slowly pulled the long knife out of him, blood dripping from her hand, a smile spread across her face. Her phone was vibrating again. Simone wiped her hands and took it out. It was the schedule for the next train.

 

[RcGrant]

You'll have to excuse me because this is my first critique here, but I thought I'd give it a shot. We all have to start somewhere, right?

I liked the piece, but I wonder if it's supposed to continue after this? I mean, I like the twist, but it leaves me wanting to know what Simone's motive is. I think it asks a lot of questions but doesn't really answer anything.

In terms of the language, I think that perhaps the piece would benefit if you cut out some of the description. In particular the part about the lipstick stood out to me. You don't need to describe every single detail.

There's also a couple of places where the punctuation needs some work (can spot one or two sentences crying out for a semi-colon).

Other than that, this is pretty good. I think it has potential.

 

[Orian]

An interesting twist and sets it up well for more of a story to go beyond that.

This is a personal one for me, but I'll say it anyway and mean no offense by it. When you say:

She picked up her black frame glasses, thanking Jesus they weren’t broken.

Perhaps using a more generic term rather than one specifically Christian would be better, perhaps "grateful her glasses weren't broken" unless the fact that she is Christian is a vital part of the story. I just can't see that in any normal situation someone would specifically thank Jesus simply for their glasses not breaking, unless there was some deep Christian connection that was vital to their life.

Also, when you say

Their eyes caught each other but only Simone was paralyzed by his electrifying stare.

Then say

Simone could feel the pleasure and power surging through her; she couldn’t believe that she had finally done it. As she slowly pulled the long knife out of him, blood dripping from her hand, a smile spread across her face.

I can't see that she could feel that rush and pleasure coursing through her veins, have that smile on her face after being paralyzed by his stare, and reluctant to walk off the train. It seems a very unnecessary contradiction. I don't think she would be that happy and power glorified after being reluctant to get off the train to go kill him. I also don't feel that an assassin who feels that rush after killing someone and power, that satisfaction would be paralyzed by his electrifying stare. She may lose herself for a moment, or be distracted by it, but I don't think paralyzed would be the right word.


I've also been thinking that if she is heavily religious, it would be a very interesting twist to see that she was doing this because she was a religious zealot that twisted everything she saw to suited her religious perceptions.

Hope all this helps. The excerpt itself is a good read.

 

[BookStop]

Hey, Pyar. Loved it! I was not expecting anything at all ike that ending. Good job with building the suspense.

Glancing around, she noticed that the same old woman was there, with her annoying little poodle.

The same as what? Maybe, 'like every day' or 'just like always'. Just something to be 'the same as'.

There he was the man always staring at her.

was, the

She got up and started pacing back and forth. She took out a cigarette and started twirling it in her hands it was her nervous habit. She couldn’t decide whether or not to approach him, whether it was the right time. All of a sudden the train stopped, it braked so hard that Simone lost her footing and fell backwards. Her heel snapped and she was thrown on the ground.

Not a lot of room on train to pace - not that easy either with the movement.
hands, as was her
train stopped, braking so hard

Her purse fell out of her hand before she had a chance to get a grip on it. She picked up her black frame glasses, thanking Jesus they weren’t broken.

Maybe something else about the purse. Were the glasses in the purse and they fell out? Did anything else fall out? Was she wearing the glasses instead and they fell off of her person? Maybe earlier whend escribing contents of purse or description of woman you caould mention the glasses just so know where they came from.

that fell out of her purse he brushed her hand and whispered

purse, he

. Their eyes caught each other but only Simone was paralyzed by his electrifying stare

But only? Of course only Simone would be paralyzed if they are the only ones staring at each other. 'each other and simone was'

The annoying poodle was barking hysterically and the old lady was screaming at the top of her lungs.

At this point, I thought something sinister had already happened and the old woman was screaming in fear. Took me a sec to realize you meant screaming at her dog.

All of a sudden she felt someone behind her

the sudden

She grabbed him, put her arms around his muscular body, and kissed him. Simone could feel the pleasure and power surging through her; she couldn’t believe that she had finally done it. As she slowly pulled the long knife out of him, blood dripping from her hand, a smile spread across her face.

I picture her putting her arms around his neck, but then when she pulls the knofe out, it seems it should be from his gut. Maybe she can pull him to her, and not say put arms around. In my mind that would clear it up, but if your intention was to have the knife being pulled from his shoulderblade, or back, or neck, then maybe more of a description that way too.

You doing anything with your story? I love flash fiction like this, but I can never get things wrapped up in a story so quickly. Keep up the good work.

 

[MrWall]

Twas a good read, I certainly enjoyed it.

I did have a problem with the flow a bit though. For me it tended to read liek a list. always it was She did this, she did that, she then thought this and then she did that. Try finding a more natural flow.

for example

She spread the lipstick slowly across her lips and put it back into her purse.
She got up and started pacing back and forth. She took out a cigarette and started twirling it in her hands it was her nervous habit. She couldn’t decide whether or not to approach him, whether it was the right time.

Since you already know she knows the man is watching her, and that you want him to be attracted to her you could say

She could feel his eyes upon her as she ran the lipstick sensously over her lips, pursing them as she finshed. Sliding the makeup back into her purse she stood up, as if stretching, allowing his eyes to feast on her whole body.

But the nerves were getting to her as well, causing her to start pacing back and forth in the carriage, and worse, to get out a cigarette. Knowing she wasn't allowed to smoke it on the train, but feeling better for its presence she began twirling it deftly between her fingers. She was using the repatative motions to try ease her worries about whether now was the right time, the right moment to approach him

OK, probably no better than yours, in fact a bit worse, but it illustrates where i am trying to go with this. You should always be weary of starting sentances with She/he/characters name unless needed, because it is something that happens a lot in writing and can make things seem list like.

I know it seems like a big criticsm but it isn't. I really enjoyed your story, the twist was especially novel and not one I saw coming, and you write well. Just think about the flow