Excerpt from 'Memoirs of a Dark Lord' (Currently Writing it)

[Grinkgor-Badaxe]

Hope you guys like this. Its an excerpt from the novel im writing, im new here and i wondered if the storys any good. Thanks.

The forest of Greenleaf burned with a fury never before witnessed by the Elves, the proud, sorrowful, over-dramatic bunch of misfits that they were. The once mighty, proud and tall trees that made up the lush green canopy of the inner forest now burnt, their trunks charred ash black with soot and flames, their leaves burnt and crisp like a steak left too long on a barbecue unwatched.


Screams of torture and angst bellowed throughout the ancient forest as both dead and living elves watched helplessly as their broken and tormented forest shrank and burned in the evening mist.


Yet amidst the pain and sorrow that gripped the approaching night one figure stood indifferently to the suffering around him, he stood six foot tall in gleaming Advarian armour, his blood red cloak rippling in the cool evening breeze, as his piecing purple eyes watched the ongoing carnage with grim amusement.


“Why do you not join in the festivities Fungus?” he questioned calmly and relaxed.


“Fungus miss sheepies”, a high pitched voice squealed, as a pair of bright luminous eyes watched in the dark shadows behind the armoured man.

Slowly the eyes began moving forwards until a face peeped out from the shadows behind the armoured man, yet the man remained silent for a moment before chuckling at his little companions statement, “Ah yes, sheep your favourite pastime I believe?”

As if on cue the creature stepped out from behind the man and trotted into the blazing light created by the growing inferno in front of them.

The creature was not as big as the man, nor even alike in any way, it was about two feet tall and brownish red in colour, yet it had a series of dark scales on its shoulders and back.

“Fungus love sheepies”, the creature giggled excitedly as it made obscure gestures with its hands, all the while bounding up and down on the spot in its suit of ill fitting scavenged Dwarf armour.

“Sometimes ignorance is blissful Fungus, but in your case its not ignorance its idiocy”, the armoured man muttered in exasperation as the newest wave of screams and pleas bled throughout the air.

“What’s idicy?” the creature mumbled as it scratched its head in confusion with its bony, stick like fingers.

“Why me?” the armoured figure moaned as he walked away from the still confused creature.

Silently walking as he often did in stressful times, he mulled over the past years events. Certainly it had been a productive year, from awakening in that awful, musty crypt to making socks for the Greensmelle Eve Feast, which coincidently were made out of Dwarf Beards. Yes it certainly had been productive but his memories showed no sign returning, and the Traitorous were still at large and one step ahead of him as always.

Yep as usual he was trudging through haunted, elf infested forests pillaging and burning while Tarus was nice and warm and asleep, most likely snuggled next to one of the many whores he’d recently captured from his campaign in Solus.

Just another day in the life of a Dark Lord, the man thought sullenly as he stomped through a particularly large puddle of blood with a lot of cursing for effect.

Yet part of him still remembered that day he had awoken in the depths of Nengakang’s necropolis, surrounded by all those Grolm…

 

[Urlik]

please don't take this the wrong way, but with a cliched first line like that, I hope this is a comedy (in a Tom Holt style. I'd be interested in reading it when you finish it)

apart from that, you need to find some other ways to say "the armoured man" as that gets repeated within 2 sentences and then again a few sentences later.

but I do want to read more about this dark lord and fungus

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi GA,

The story certainly has promise. The interrelation of Fungus and the Dark Lord reminded me of Blackadder and Baldrick (specifically the Blackadder II series and if you're not familiar with it, you're missing a real gem). It worked well and genuinely represented a new twist on the rather tired old fantasy cliches.

I also liked the narration voice - sympathetic to the Dark Lord yet not quite his voice per se. Good touch.

There was more than a nod to Tolkien here (as there all too often is, alas), but in your case you get away with it because you are subverting the whole form.

That all said, I'm afraid that the grammar rather let you down. Comma use, tense changes (even in the same sentence) and Apostrophe Neglect were the three biggest crimes. I think you should spend a bit of time sorting this out, as it really detracts from what is otherwise a good idea that may well have fairly wide appeal.

Regards,

Peter

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

We don't allow duplicate threads, Grinkgor. I've binned the other one, but not before merging in Urlik's post from that thread into this one.

 

[Grinkgor-Badaxe]

First of all i do apoligize for the duplicated threads, so sorry.

And as for the poor grammer and details, its a little rough i admit but it is only the first draft and i usually write it at work inbetween calls and at college. So it does need updating and inproving a lot, but im working on it when i can .

And for future reference this book is a comedy, so thanks for the reveiws.

 

[svalbard]

Grammar and word repetition aside, this was enjoyable. Will it be written from the Dark Lord's perspective? If so, you have set yourself a good challenge. The humour of the piece stood out for me.

 

[Grinkgor-Badaxe]

Yes the story would follow the Dark Lord 's pov with the odd exception (examples would include Fungus, Toenail, and various other creatures who join 'True' evils side).

Should be updating soon with better grammer and structure in the chapter, so thank you for the positive feedback although allthough any is welcome (Constructive advice really appreciated).