The Chicago Bomb

[Kodemunkey]

Ok, as you may know i've been trying to write a sci fi story without much success ( at least i felt that way ) i found it hard going to write a story from third person. So i've gone a different way, i'm telling the story from a first person viewpoint.

Chapter one
My name is Jason Mitchell. Some consider me lucky, especially since I was one of only a few survivors of a sixty megaton terrorist bomb which was detonated in downtown Chicago.


I remember the day well; it was the last day of summer. The air was humid as I stepped out of the airport terminal; I had to shield my eyes against the glare of the rising sun as I scanned the area for a taxi to take me to my hotel.


I woke early the next day; I had an important meeting later, sitting down to breakfast, I switched the TV on to check the weather.



Thunderstorms were forecast. After breakfast, i checked out of my room and hailed a cab.


The day was humid, with thick, black clouds rolling in across Lake Michigan.

 

[ctg]

Damn a sixty megaton nuke. With only four megaton nuke, I could wipe out most of the Chicago ( Federation of American Scientists :: Nuclear Weapon Effects Calculator )

I would say Mister Mitchell is extraordinary lucky, and I would also say that your first chapter is extra short, or maybe shortest I've seen in here. Nevermind, I would say to write a bit more, but keep in mind that some people will catch on your science. With first person, try to give people as much description via character narrative as you can. That way your readers will fall into your character and want to keep reading the story.

 

[daisybee]

Ok, as you may know i've been trying to write a sci fi story without much success ( at least i felt that way ) i found it hard going to write a story from third person. So i've gone a different way, i'm telling the story from a first person viewpoint.

Chapter one
My name is Jason Mitchell. Some consider me lucky, especially since I was one of only a few survivors of a sixty megaton terrorist bomb which was detonated in downtown Chicago.


I remember the day well; it was the last day of summer. The air was humid as I stepped out of the airport terminal; I had to shield my eyes against the glare of the rising sun as I scanned the area for a taxi to take me to my hotel.


I woke early the next day; I had an important meeting later, sitting down to breakfast, I switched the TV on to check the weather.



Thunderstorms were forecast. After breakfast, i checked out of my room and hailed a cab.


The day was humid, with thick, black clouds rolling in across Lake Michigan.

I had to check to see if the bomb had gone off without me noticing. But then he had breakfast, so I figured todays the day instead.

I think the remembering it well is slightly redundant, as I reckon most folk would remember that kind of day, perhaps make it a more vivid description, about the clarity of his recollections? And do we need the whole airport thing? Feeling jet lagged leaving the hotel would let us know he had just flown in, and also jump us to the bit we are now holding our breaths for. The bomb.

Would he remember what he had for breakfast? Little details draw you in to first person narratives much quicker I think. Is he a coffee and toast guy or juice and cereal? A couple of lines about a food choice can start filling in those blanks about who this guy is, and what makes him tick. At least I think so. Only my two cents anyway.

I really want to know how he survived.

Tell me I can keep a secret.

See I am a sucker for a good hook-so continue!!.

 

[Kodemunkey]

It's not finished yet, and thanks for clarifying the nuke issue for me, i was begining to have doubts if it should have been a kiloton nuke or a megaton nuke etc etc.

and no, the chapter isn't finished yet.

 

[ctg]

60 Megaton Nuke

Thermal radiation radius (3rd degree burns) 62.5 kilometres
Air blast radius (widespread destruction) 27.9 kilometres
Air blast radius (near-total fatalities) 10.6 kilometres
Ionizing radiation radius (500 rem) 6.8 kilometres
Fireball duration 28.4 seconds
Fireball radius (minimum) 2.2 kilometres
Fireball radius (airburst) 2.7 kilometres
Fireball radius (ground-contact airburst) 3.6 kilometres


60 Kiloton Nuke


Thermal radiation radius (3rd degree burns) 3.7 kilometres
Air blast radius (widespread destruction) 2.9 kilometres
Air blast radius (near-total fatalities) 1.1 kilometres
Ionizing radiation radius (500 rem) 1.8 kilometres
Fireball duration 1.3 seconds
Fireball radius (minimum) 140 meters
Fireball radius (airburst) 170 meters
Fireball radius (ground-contact airburst) 230 metres

All figures assume optimum burst height

Thermal radiation is non-ionizing electromagnetic radiation which has a significant heating effect. Air is virtually transparent to thermal radiation. At the destructive radius, the thermal radiation intensity is sufficient to cause lethal burns.

Star Wars vs Star Trek: Nuclear Weapon Effects Calculator


By looking the FAS calculator, automobile delivered nuke would wipe out most of the central Chicago, but it would leave sub-urban areas to only suffer from the fallout. In scifi terms if you would sixty megaton device, then it would mean that terrorist would had found a way to use enrichments with their suitcase nuke. In far out scifi, you could use unstable elements from the end of the periodic table (and possibly involve advanced science there or maybe even the evil spacealiens).

 

[Kodemunkey]

i'm thinking the bomb delivered in a truck, and so would wipe out downtown, so i believe i would need it to be between 5 - 20 kilotons? i suppose i could have the character learn about the blast later on.

 

[SeanHannifin]

My name is Jason Mitchell. Some consider me lucky, especially since I was one of only a few survivors of a sixty megaton terrorist bomb which was detonated in downtown Chicago.

I remember the day well; it was the last day of summer. The air was humid as I stepped out of the airport terminal; I had to shield my eyes against the glare of the rising sun as I scanned the area for a taxi to take me to my hotel.

I woke early the next day; I had an important meeting later, sitting down to breakfast, I switched the TV on to check the weather.

Thunderstorms were forecast. After breakfast, i checked out of my room and hailed a cab.

The day was humid, with thick, black clouds rolling in across Lake Michigan.

Saying "I remember the day well" and then having him wake up the next day confused me at first as well.

I think this may be too short of a fragment to really judge much; nothing really happened yet, and the character doesn't reveal much of himself. It's hard to tell what could end up being important to the story; it might all just be summed up as "I was in Chicago on business..."

 

[Barney]

My name is Jason Mitchell. Some consider me lucky, especially since I was one of only a few survivors of a sixty megaton terrorist bomb which was detonated in downtown Chicago.


I remember the day well; it was the last day of summer. The air was humid as I stepped out of the airport terminal; I had to shield my eyes against the glare of the rising sun as I scanned the area for a taxi to take me to my hotel.


I woke early the next day; I had an important meeting later, sitting down to breakfast, I switched the TV on to check the weather.



Thunderstorms were forecast. After breakfast, i checked out of my room and hailed a cab.

The day was humid, with thick, black clouds rolling in across Lake Michigan.

Just to reitarate previous posts, I found the time sequence confusing.
Jason arrives in Chicago to be blinded by the "rising sun", so it must be dawn or soon after. The next we hear is that he "woke early the next day". So did he get to the hotel and sleep a full 24 hours? If so we need to know more about why he was so exhausted. In itself, this could be an interesting bit of backstory, and fill in some details about who Jason is.

And as Ctg has pointed out, a 60 megaton bomb sounds a bit too deadly. Also (sorry, being hyper-critical here) there is too much repetition about getting cabs and humid weather. I think a transitional, character based scene between arriving in Chicago and waking the next day would even out the pacing.

 

[Kodemunkey]

I've tweaked the story somewhat.

Chapter one


My name is Jason Mitchell. Some consider me lucky, especially since I was one of only a few survivors of a terrorist nuclear bomb which was detonated in downtown Chicago.
It was the last day of summer.



The air was humid as I stepped out of the taxi in front of the hotel I was staying at. I woke early the next day; I had an important meeting later. Sitting down to my full English breakfast, I switched the TV on to check the weather, thunderstorms were forecast.


After breakfast, I checked out of my room and decided I would walk to the meeting. I had never been to Chicago before so I wanted to get a little sightseeing done. After getting lost twice, I found the church of St. Joseph an hour or so later.


The church was situated in a nice, tidy looking neighbourhood full of white picket fences and climbing rose bushes.


I was due to take up my position as an associate minister in a week.

 

[daisybee]

I think you are getting it.

The day thing still seems muddled though, or maybe its me. Which could be the case.

By saying:

It was the last day of summer, immediately after mentioning the bomb being detonated, it is implied that that is the day of the bomb.

The timeline is still beffudling me. Okay I'll try something:

**

My name is Jason Mitchell. Some consider me lucky, especially since I was one of only a few survivors of a terrorist nuclear bomb which was detonated in downtown Chicago.

It happened? on (was) the last day of summer.

The day before, the air was humid as I stepped out of the taxi in front of my (the) hotel (I was staying at.) I woke early that(the next) day; I had an important meeting scheduled and wanted to be prepared? (later) possibly insert some wry comment on that being redundant now?. Sitting down to my full English breakfast, I switched the TV on to check the weather, thunderstorms were forecast.

After eating(breakfast-repeated), I checked out of my room and decided (I would) to walk to the meeting. I had never been to Chicago before so I wanted to get a little sightseeing done. After getting lost twice, I found the church of St. Joseph an hour or so later.

The church was situated in a nice, tidy looking neighbourhood full of white picket fences and climbing rose bushes.

I was due to take up my position as an associate minister in a week.

**

I balk at editing mostly, but this was an exercise in trying to illustrate the time line issues I had whilst reading. Hope I was clear and have not muddied the waters further!!

Peace.

 

[Kodemunkey]

Thanks for that, i think i have a few hangovers from the previous attempt at writing it, as i haven't detonated the bomb yet, i feel i should let people get to know the guy first before turning chicago inside out.

 

[Kodemunkey]

Thanks for that, i think i have a few hangovers from the previous attempt at writing it, as i haven't detonated the bomb yet, i feel i should let people get to know the guy first before turning chicago inside out.


Since the issue of the bomb was confusing people, i have removed it, so the bomb is more of a surprise.

Chapter one


My name is Jason Mitchell. Some consider me lucky.


It was the last day of summer. The air was humid as I stepped out of a taxi late at night in Chiagao outside of the hotel I was staying at.



I woke early the next day; I had an important meeting later, sitting down to my full English breakfast, I switched the TV on to check the weather, thunderstorms were forecast.



After breakfast, I checked out of my room and decided I would walk to the meeting.

I had never been to Chicago before so I wanted to get a little sightseeing done.



After getting lost twice, I found the church of St. Joseph an hour or so later.


The church was situated in a nice, tidy looking neighbourhood full of white picket fences and climbing rose bushes.


I was due to take up my position as an associate minister in a week.

 

[daisybee]

perhaps its best to start with something like..

It happened on the last day of summer.

I was in Chicago for a few days stopover, for my meeting at the church. I'm glad I had time to take in the sights...

You can tell us when the bomb went off, but leave us hanging whilst you let your guy talk, tell his tale leading up to the event. Introducing the church angle and leaving it unanswered for a sec doesn't hurt the interest factor either. Like we'll think, why? (I am really nosey)

The great thing about first person IMO, is that it doesn't have to be linear, but it does have to be clear. So remove the day to day diary and make it a memory that sounds like a man talking, which may and should meander off on occasion, but dropping in hints about THE EVENT along the way helps keep us reading. If that makes sense?

Onwards!!

 

[Kodemunkey]

I'll try it like that, though right now i want to get down what i have, i have a learning difficulty which makes it difficult for me to visualise what i see in my head, so writing is a slow process for me.

 

[daisybee]

I'll try it like that, though right now i want to get down what i have, i have a learning difficulty which makes it difficult for me to visualise what i see in my head, so writing is a slow process for me.

well keep at it. writing is practise and polish mostly.

they are just suggestions anyway, you must write it the way that works for you of course!!

Peace.

I didn't see your revision of removing the bomb earlier. Good idea.

 

[Kodemunkey]

Here's a new segment for you all to deconstruct as you see fit, enjoy:

It was now October and on this particular day I was sweeping out one of the storage rooms. After tidying up a little, I saw a hatch in the floor.



An hour or so later, curiosity got the better of me, so I went back to the hatch and sought a way to open it.


After a brief search, i found a handle, which was a little stiff as it looked like it hadn’t been used for many years.


I search for a torch for a few moments in a nearby cupboard then i returned my efforts to opening the hatch, I tried pulling the handle towards me, and was rewarded for my efforts with a sore shoulder.


I stood for a few moments, leaning against the doorway, massaging my aching shoulder. After carefully replacing the assorted odds and ends which had lain scattered over the floor, i made my way back into the main hall.

 

[daalex]

Hi,

This has a strange, almost casual/indifferent tone to it. If this is intentional (i.e. written from the point of view of some kind of emotionally disturbed or disaffected character), I think the fragment would benefit from exploiting this even more. Perhaps by shortening the sentences, make them even more matter-of-fact, emotionless.

Of course, to make this work, you would need some surprising or weird twists at some point

A few little typos/missing words here and there. For example,

I searched for a torch for a few moments in a nearby cupboard, then i returned to my efforts to open the hatch. I tried pulling the handle towards me, and was rewarded for my efforts with a sore shoulder.

 

[Kodemunkey]

Have you read the other part of the story lower down on the first page?

i'll be introducing another character soon, a minor one ( a policeman ) and the next major character.

 

[Kodemunkey]

sorry for the double post, but this is the story as it stands:

Chapter one


My name is Jason Mitchell. Some consider me lucky.


It was the last day of summer. The air was humid as I stepped out of a taxi late at night in Chicago outside of the hotel I would be staying at.



I woke early the next day; I had an important meeting later, sitting down to my full English breakfast, I switched the TV on to check the weather thunderstorms were forecast.



After breakfast, I checked out of my room and decided I would walk to the meeting.



I had never been to Chicago before so I wanted to get a little sightseeing done. After getting lost twice, I found the church of St. Joseph an hour or so later.


The church was situated in a nice, tidy looking neighbourhood full of white picket fences and climbing rose bushes.


I was due to take up my position as an associate minister in a week.


It was now October and on this particular day I was sweeping out one of the storage rooms.



After tidying up a little, I saw a hatch in the floor. An hour or so later, curiosity got the better of me, so I went back to the hatch and sought a way to open it.


After a brief search, i found a handle, which was a little stiff as it looked like it hadn’t been used for many years.


I searched for a torch for a few moments in a nearby cupboard then i return my efforts to opening the hatch, I tried pulling the handle towards me, and was rewarded for my efforts with a sore shoulder.


I stood for a few moments, leaning against the doorway, massaging my aching shoulder. After carefully replacing the assorted odds and ends which had lain scattered over the floor, i made my way back into the main hall.


Rain was beating against the windows and the air inside the hall was chilly