The Chicago Bomb, part two

[Kodemunkey]

In which i introduce my next character Peter, also known as "Daredevil"

Chapter Two.

I’m Peter, most people know me as “Daredevil”, my hacking alias.

Mum tries her best to keep me busy, but she has enough to worry about, what with Dad being away in the marines. At least that’s what she says, one day though, I’ll find out what he really does.

Mum worries about me a little too much, she says I should stay in school, get an education and all the rest of it, which is a bunch of crap, as I’ve already learnt anything they could possibly teach me at school, it’s a burden being a genius sometimes.

October 15th

It was a miserable day with a cold wind blowing in from Lake Michigan, a perfect day to “Go to school” I told mum that I’d go, if only to calm her down, she’s been getting hysterical lately.

I took a small detour, past some old industrial buildings a few blocks away from where I was due to “Catch the school bus” outside of St. Josephs church.

I stopped for a while to take a look around; I enjoy looking at old things, imagining what went on when they were new.

A sound like muffled swearing caught my attention; it was coming from one of the larger buildings behind me

I pushed hard against the old rusting door, hoping I didn’t catch something; it had cracked yellow paint in places

Inside the building is an old school bus, with someone trapped under the hood. Rushing over to the bus, I lifted the hood with all my strength, i carefully stood the guy up, he looked like he was going to pass out.

I sat him down carefully on a nearby toolbox, I talked to him for a while to make sure he wasn’t going to pass out on me, turns out he’s some sort of intern over at the church.

He started to explain about what happened with the bus, i couldn’t help myself laughing. I guess he saw the amusing side of it too.

He seemed like a decent enough guy, i volunteered to help him fix the bus, it would beet “Going to school” again.

My phone started ringing, i’m not sure how much later it was, but the bus was pretty much finished.


Wouldn’t you know it, mum was on the phone, “concerned” about what i was up to, so i told her i was in working on “science project” with a friend and would be home soon.


The intern guy offered to take me out for a test drive on Saturday, naturally I accepted, it couldn’t be worse than listening to another of mums lectures, could it ?

The next character i shall introduce will be a police officer, his story will wrap up this part of my story.

 

[starrypawz]

it couldn’t be worse than listening to another of mum's lectures

You need an apostrophe in mums. Due to the fact that it a singular possessive. Not a plural, but that's a minor slip up anyway.

Mum worries about me a little too much, she says I should stay in school, get an education and all the rest of it, which is a bunch of crap, as I’ve already learnt anything they could possibly teach me at school, it’s a burden being a genius sometimes.

Something tells me you you put some full stops in this bit to make it some shorter sentences, but that's just the way I read it. Maybe you should try: Mum worries about me a little too much, she says I should stay in school, get an education and all the rest of it, which is a bunch of crap. Since (somehow that works better for me) I’ve already learnt anything they could possibly teach me at school. It’s a burden being a genius sometimes.

Anyway aside from that it's pretty good. You seem to be doing better with this now.

 

[Kodemunkey]

Thanks, i'll make the changes.

 

[chrispenycate]

At least that’s what she says, one day though, I’ll find out what he really does.

Full stop rather than comma after "says".

which is a bunch of crap, as I’ve already learnt anything they could possibly teach me at school, it’s a burden being a genius sometimes.

semicolon instead of comma after "school".

I told mum that I’d go, if only to calm her down, she’s been getting hysterical lately.

semicolon instead of comma after "down".

where I was due to “Catch the school bus” outside of St. Josephs church.

if we're going to get finicky abou apostrophes there should be one in St. Joseph's Church, and there's no real reason for the capital "C" in "catch the school bus"

Inside the building is an old school bus, with someone trapped under the hood. Rushing over to the bus, I lifted the hood with all my strength, i carefully stood the guy up, he looked like he was going to pass out.

present tense (is a bus) is used here when everything else is in the past. After "strength" probably "and" would work better than "comma I", as otherwise that last block is an independent sentence.

I sat him down carefully on a nearby toolbox, I talked to him for a while to make sure he wasn’t going to pass out on me, turns out he’s some sort of intern over at the church.

three separate sentences , with commas instead of some heavier duty punctuatin between them.

He started to explain about what happened with the bus, i couldn’t help myself laughing.

Two separate sentences, and "had happened".

He seemed like a decent enough guy, i volunteered to help him fix the bus, it would beet “Going to school” again.

Two separate sentences, and it's "beat" rather than "beet"

The intern guy offered to take me out for a test drive on Saturday, naturally I accepted, it couldn’t be worse than listening to another of mums lectures, could it ?

Three separate sentences

Could you stick to using capital "I"s for the first person singular, rather tham chopping and changing?

 

[Kodemunkey]

Yeah, sorry about all that. I probably shouldn't be writing at half midnight, but what can i say, inspiration struck.

 

[Kodemunkey]

Ok. here you go, edits made.

Chapter Two.


I’m Peter, most people know me as “Daredevil”, my hacking alias.


Mum tries her best to keep me busy, but she has enough to worry about, what with Dad being away in the marines. At least that’s what she says. One day though, I’ll find out what he really does.


Mum worries about me a little too much. She says I should stay in school, get an education and all the rest of it.



Which is a bunch of crap; I’ve already learnt anything they could possibly teach me at school. It’s a burden being a genius sometimes.


October 15th


It was a miserable day with a cold wind blowing in from Lake Michigan, a perfect day to “Go to school” I told mum that I’d go, if only to calm her down, she’s been getting hysterical lately.


I took a small detour, past some old industrial buildings a few blocks away from where I was due to “Catch the school bus” outside of St. Joseph’s church.


I stopped for a while to take a look around; I enjoy looking at old things, imagining what went on when they were new.


A sound like muffled swearing caught my attention; it was coming from one of the larger buildings behind me


I pushed hard against the old rusting door, hoping I didn’t catch something; it had cracked yellow paint in places


Inside the building is an old school bus, with someone trapped under the hood. Rushing over to the bus, I lifted the hood with all my strength.
I carefully stood the guy up, he looked like he was going to pass out.


I sat him down carefully on a nearby toolbox. I talked to him for a while to make sure he wasn’t going to pass out on me, turns out he’s some sort of intern over at the church.


He started to explain about what had happened with the bus, I couldn’t help myself laughing. I guess he saw the amusing side of it too.


He seemed like a decent enough guy, I volunteered to help him fix the bus, it would beat “Going to school” again.


My phone started ringing, I’m not sure how much later it was, but the bus was pretty much finished.


Wouldn’t you know it, mum was on the phone, “concerned” about what I was up to, so I told her I was in working on “science project” with a friend and would be home soon.


The intern guy offered to take me out for a test drive on Saturday.



Naturally I accepted, it couldn’t be worse than listening to another of mum’s lectures, could it ?