Query Letter Crituque, getting somewhere..

[SpTokun]

Thanks to the continued studying that I have done and the more questions I have asked (oh and the critique I have received) here is another update on my progress. I believe I have improved it over the first two, and will surely look for ways to improve it more. Here you are, critique welcome.

A foul secret planned for many years, a menacing mysterious figure that has influence over the courts and the Emperor himself, an underlining corruption of the holy places right under the noses of the wisest leaders. In a time of peace within the waining feudalistic lands of Bestel, Hunt, a common citizen nearing twenty, learns of this vile secret that has the potential to rend their world. A journey is thrust upon him in which he must find this figure, a figure that he finds out is related to him, a figure that even wants him dead as part of a grand scheme.

Things are however not as they seem, from Hunt's father being stabbed in the back by an unknown dark figure to his budding magically inclined friend being kidnapped away, it seemed like there could not be much hope. Though thanks to the help of a mysterious crazy eyed old man, a strong and wise Holy Champion, a heroically foolhardy warrior and a former leader of the now corrupt Holy Order, Hunt is able to pull through. A task is set out before them in which they seek to reveal the truth to the Emperor of their lands, a truth that if not revealed soon could push this mysterious figure to a position even greater than the Emperor himself, but with the Holy Order in corruption and the ear of the Emperor in tune with this mysterious dark figure, what hope do they have?

Thanks for reading, this is not complete, this just represents the first and second paragraph. The first line will be the introduction, book title, word count and show what genre and so forth. The paragraph under these two will be the bio and the final line will be my goodbyes. Thanks for the read and I appreciate your time in critiquing.

 

[BookStop]

A foul secret planned for many years, a menacing mysterious figure that has influence over the courts and the Emperor himself, an underlining corruption of the holy places right under the noses of the wisest leaders.

3 fragments do not a sentence make - stylistically though it sounds menacing. Is 'holy places' specific enough?

In a time of peace within the waining feudalistic lands of Bestel, Hunt, a common citizen nearing twenty, learns of this vile secret that has the potential to rend their world.

I assume his age is important to the plot, but there has to be a better way to say it. Like, a common citizen not even yet 20 years old, or not yet a man, or more boy than man. 'Nearing twenty' sounds odd to my ears.

A journey is thrust upon him in which he must find this figure, a figure that he finds out is related to him, a figure that even wants him dead as part of a grand scheme.

'must find a certain figure ' expand on 'a grand scheme'

Things are however not as they seem, from Hunt's father being stabbed in the back by an unknown dark figure to his budding magically inclined friend being kidnapped away, it seemed like there could not be much hope.

are, however, not
magically-inclined

Though thanks to the help of a mysterious crazy eyed old man, a strong and wise Holy Champion, a heroically foolhardy warrior and a former leader of the now corrupt Holy Order, Hunt is able to pull through.

With the help of a ...
How many people are in this party? Is the old man the holy champion? Is the warrior the former leader? If so, you need 'and' a heroically...

A task is set out before them in which they seek to reveal the truth to the Emperor of their lands, a truth that if not revealed soon could push this mysterious figure to a position even greater than the Emperor himself, but with the Holy Order in corruption and the ear of the Emperor in tune with this mysterious dark figure, what hope do they have?

This sentence loses me. I think it need to be broken down, and maybe 'mysterious figure' expanded upon. You just called the old man mysterious and when you follow it with htis description, it gets confusing. Maybe you can switch their spots in the paragraphs and end on the fellowship. ' A task is set out before him.....he seeks....All he has for help with this great task is....what hope does he have?'

See, if you switch the order, you end on goodness and hope, despite posing the question.

This version is almost there, definitely getting to the meat of the story, which is good. Now, I know a bit about the story, and it seems intriguing to me now.

 

[SpTokun]

Well Bookstop, first of all, thanks for the tips. I actually did spot the first problem you mentioned (the fragments not making up a sentence and the mistake with "magically-inclined") though could not edit as the timer went up on that .

I get your points very well and will work on it. I will expand on certain parts while making it more clear. Oh, and I will try to keep it as short as I possibly can. Thanks and if there is anything else you would like to know more about that you feel your not getting point it out. Your pointers and the "from another persons viewpoint" perspective is doing very well for me (thanks).

Plus, if you see extra unneeded things that don't help I would love to get an idea. I know a wise author is willing to continue to ask questions and correct his mistakes so I will continue until I get this rough into a diamond.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

budding magically inclined friend being kidnapped away, it seemed like there

Kidnapped away - is there another way to kidnap someone

mysterious crazy eyed old man, a strong and wise Holy Champion, a heroically foolhardy warrior and a former leader of the now corrupt Holy Order

,

I'm with Bookstop here how many people and the

'mysterious crazy eyed old man'

seems a bit cumbersome

 

[Pyar]

Your sentences are too long, I get lost in them because there is so much you are trying to tell. You should make the sentences shorter and more to the point. I've never had any experience with query letters but it seems like publishers probably get hundreds of these that they look through. If I was one of them I probably would want a brief summary of the story without any extravagent prose or anything so that I can get an concise idea of what its about. You can go all out in the book itself with the prose and flowery writing but I think in this type of letter it should be much more to the point and clear about who the main character is, what the begining, middle, and end is, and what the basic premise of your story is. All I got from reading what you have is that there is a man who is on a quest and he gets guidance from some old man. Anyway this is my 2 cents and if I'm leading him (her?) on the wrong path someone please correct me.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I think it's too long, for a query letter synopsis. In any sort of synopsis you should choose your words for maximum effect, but when you pile on the adjectives or say the same thing two different ways it's less effective than using the one right word instead. Anyway, you're trying to tell too much. A query letter should be more to the point.

You overuse the verb "to be." It creates a passive effect and makes your sentences (therefore your synopsis) longer than necessary.

from Hunt's father being stabbed in the back by an unknown dark figure to his budding magically inclined friend being kidnapped away, it seemed like there could not be much hope.

You might rewrite it along these lines, "when a stranger stabs Hunt's father in the back, and his magically-inclined friend disappears, Hunt begins to lose hope." (A better way of accomplishing the same thing will probably occur to you; this is just an example of how you can convey the same information without making everything sound so passive.)

People use the passive voice a lot in conversation, because it's less emphatic, therefore more polite (you can see me using it repeatedly in this message), but you don't want that blandness in your writing.


For some reason this problem arises pretty often writing in the present tense, so it turns up a lot in synopses, which is the last place in the world you want your prose to drag. But since I see it here, I suggest you look through your novel and see if you've a similar tendency there, because if you do that needs to be addressed before you start approaching agents and editors.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Ahhhh. Thanks for that insight Teresa - Tein

 

[SpTokun]

Thanks for the help and opinions! I am taking everything into consideration. To Teresa: Thanks for the tips! I am happy this was pointed out, though, thankfully, I do not have this problem in my book, I am about complete with my 6th edit of the story and have not had this problem.

I believe it stems from me trying to write it all in a tighter space and compact it (as counterproductive as that sounds, as the mistake you pointed out makes it longer). I do realize many a writer has tried and done this and I have to stop that. I will keep it to the barest of bones and try not to make it sound like mostly a hook.

Again though, thanks for the critique, I will continue to press forward with it until this is done correctly.