Lilium: Preface (188 words) Fantasy

[Princess Lucretia]

Here's something I sort of threw together for fun and was wondering what people thought...also grammar help would be lovely, too...but please just don't forget to put in other thoughts about the piece.


Lips I could never touch.


A body I could never hold.

One I could never be with.

My eyes focused on his image in the car mirror. I could see him standing there through the fog gripping a single beaten bag while tears flooded his vivid emerald eyes. No color was left in his face while he stood there all contorted which reminded me of ruins; a decrepit building that was slowly crumbling to the ground. If one was ever to see an image of pain it was him watching me disappear. I know he loved me and I know he loved me dearly or at least he did one time, but the thing was…his memory was gone. It was a sacrifice, my sacrifice yet it felt more along the lines of me selling my heart and the soul to save the world.

 

[Naryaló S dú]

Here's corrections of some sentences:

I could see him standing there through the fog, gripping a single beaten bag (of what? better description) while tears flooded his vivid emerald eyes.

No color was left in his face. He stood there, his body contorted. The picture reminded me of ruins; a decrepit building that was slowly crumbling to the ground. If one was ever to see an image of pain it was him watching me disappear (into the morning fog, etc.?).

I know he loved me. I know he loved me dearly...or at least he did at one time, but the thing was…his memory was gone. It was a sacrifice, my sacrifice yet it felt more along the lines of the sale of my heart and soul to save the world.

Interesting...I'd add even more description and thoughts..not necessarily to start telling the story and clear things up but just as a dramatic and interesting introduction.

 

[Prefx]

Just to add to what has been said:

- You tell us he's standing in two different sentences. It feels awkward reading both, especially when they're so close together.
- "But the thing was [...]" should be replaced with "but the thing is [...]"
- There needs to be a mark of some sort between "my sacrifice" and "yet."

Hope that helped! I enjoy your writing style. Some may think it borders on purple, but you got me working up images in my head without having to stop and interpret the meaning behind words. Keep going.

 

[Princess Lucretia]

Hey thanks for all the adivse, I took it to heart and revised what I had. Eveyrhting new is in red to make it a little easier to pick out. Also, out of curisoity, what does it mean that some people might think I border purple?


Lips I could never touch.

A body I could never hold.

One I could never be with.

My eyes focused on his image in the car mirror even though a thick fog shrouded the area in mystrey. He was gripping single beaten bag with one or two sets of clothes while tears flooded his vivid emerald eyes. No color was left in his face while he lingered there contorted, which reminded me of ruins; a decrepit building that was slowly crumbling to the ground. If one was ever to see an image of pain it was him watching me disappear into the shadows of the morning fog. I know he loved me and I know he loved me dearly or at least he did at one time, but the thing is…his memory was gone. It was a sacrifice…it was my sacrifice. Yet it felt more along the lines of the sale of my heart and the soul to save the world.

 

[Martichoras]

I like the mood you create, and I'm interested in finding out the answers to all the questions your preface raises.

As far as 'bordering purple' is concerned, I think that Prefx was suggesting that you are near to writing 'purple prose'; where overwriting gets in the way of what you are trying to say, and the mood you are trying to create. When this sort of thing is done well (and you have to be careful, because what you are trying to say is deadly serious and overwriting can make it seem silly) it might be termed a 'gothic' style of writing.

I like the re-writes you've done, but the line 'No color was left in his face while he lingered there contorted, which reminded me of ruins' still needs fixing. 'he reminded me of ruins' would make better grammatical sense, 'he reminded me of a ruin' better still. Personally I would be inclined to split it into two sentences: 'No colour was left in his face while he lingered there contorted. He reminded me of a ruin; a decrepit building that was slowly crumbling to the ground.' But its your story not mine.

Have fun.

 

[Princess Lucretia]

Thanks, also thank you for explaining what purple meant to me. I think originally it was way overwritten. There was this real corny line, too...I reread it and was like delete. Ha...also thanks for the suggestion on the one line. That helped a lot.
thanks

 

[Scarlett Eclipse]

The second one is a bit better written. I liked how you said there were clothes in this man's bag because it made me wonder a little more about what was going on. Is he never coming back? Why is she abandoning him like this? And why did she have to sacrifice him? It's very somber and I liked how there was the fog to make the scene drearier (ha is that a word). OO also I liked the first line, there's something about it that sparked the romantic in me.

 

[Prefx]

Martichoras is correct about my statement, although I'm not one to talk about flirting with purple prose. I enjoyed your improvements. Some things that may take it further:

- Place an "a" between gripping and single.
- Possibly rework the same sentence I mentioned above. For some reason, I'm not able to read it easily. I'm tripped up on this part: "with one or two sets of clothes while [...]
- I'm thinking there needs to be something between dearly and or. It's probably a personal matter, but I'm seeing a pause there.

 

[Princess Lucretia]

​

Lips I could never touch.

A body I could never hold.

One I could never be with.

My eyes focused on his image in the car mirror even though a thick fog shrouded the area in mystery. He was gripping a single beaten bag with one or two sets of clothes that would have to last him a long time No color was left in his face while he lingered there contorted with tears flooding his vivid emerald eyes. Somehow he reminded me of ancient ruins in a storm; a decrepit building that was slowly crumbling to the ground. If one was ever to see an image of pain it was him watching me disappear into the shadows of the morning fog. I know he loved me and I know he loved me dearly, or at least he did at one time, but the thing is…his memory was gone. It was a sacrifice…it was my sacrifice. Yet it felt more along the lines of the sale of my heart and the soul to save the world.

 

[Mithridelle]

I like the mood and tone that this short piece is portraying. It feels like an openig that a lot of people could relate to and would be drawn into reading more. I would be delighted if you posted more once you have got a few ideas together and fleshed it out a bit more.