Query Letter crituque once again! Have a read.

[SpTokun]

Once again I am showing another Query letter. I apologize for yet another one as this is my 4rth, though better to ask and learn than never to ask at all I always say. So, if you would take the time to read this and tell me what you think so far I would greatly appreciate it . (BTW thanks for all the very helpful insights I have gotten previously, your time in helping a stranger is appreciated.)

NOTE: I have deliberately not added the bio yet, I should have no problem with that as keeping it short and sweet will be easy enough, so here it is:

To: AGENTS NAME

A kingdom under a hidden attack, the Holy Order of the White Blades has fallen under the influence of corruption by a mysterious figure, one that has the ear of the Emperor himself. This is what Hunt, a young common citizen in the waining feudalistic lands of Bestel, learns of. What comes threatens not only Hunt and everyone in the land, but the very morals and trust of everything once thought of as holy and sacred.

FACING CORRUPTION is the first in the Epic Fantasy trilogy PATHWAYS OF A HERO and totals 210,000 words. PATHWAYS OF A HERO: FACING CORRUPTION, while very unique and still very different, is easiest to compare to Terry Goodkind's WIZARDS FIRST RULE. When Hunt learns that his father is more than he seems, and that a dark figure has plans to make their lives a living hell until Hunt's death, his life is turned upside down. Though thanks to some new friends and a strange old man, they learn that they must find a way to go against the odds and cleanse the Holy Order, showing truth to the Emperor, though things are not always as they seem and the future is never set in stone.

I would like to thank you for taking the time in reviewing this letter (AGENTS NAME). I would be happy to send you a portion or entire manuscript for your further review. Thank you for your consideration, your time and mayhap a new friend and partner.
From: Me.

So there it is, I wanted to keep it simple explaining the very bare plot elements and nothing else. I also used a credited author as I noticed his work, while not like mine in many/most ways has some similar points to it that are big enough to warrant.

I appreciate the continued help, thanks for reading.

 

[Naryaló S dú]

"A kingdom under a hidden attack"

I would take the word "a" or change the end of the phrase just because it sound kind of grammatically incorrect to me. It may be must my style, but I would make this one sentence, then make the rest of the sentence a seperate sentence. The rest of your first paragraph is well versed.

It's good you included the length of the book, it sounds professional.

"Though thanks to some new friends and a strange old man, they learn that they must find a way to go against the odds and cleanse the Holy Order, showing truth to the Emperor, though things are not always as they seem and the future is never set in stone."
I think this needs to be split also. Like (I made a word change or two also):

-Though thanks to some new friends and a strange old man, they learn that they must find a way to go against all odds and cleanse the Holy Order.
-They must show truth to the Emperor (I would almost say "They must open the Emperor's eyes,etc.), though things are not always as they seem and the future is never set in stone... (I think a continuation at the end of a summary makes a good impression that there's much more and that the story must unfold)

My book is the same basic type as yours. I've gotten many chapters in, but the intro is in the a critique thread called "The Chronicles of Brotherhood"

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Now I'm no expert and have never reached the dizzy heights of needing an into letter however, just from the man in the streets point of view shall we say...

First the title Facing Corruption -sounds weak "CORRUPTION" a little more intriguing although even that sounds like a complicated treatise on the in and outs of palace finance (course that may be what it is)

Not sure what the etiquette is on comparing your book to another book but is seems to me you're doing yourself no favours - I might not like or even have read the book in question and in any case I thought this was supposed to be about your book.

If you're pushing a the fact it's a trilogy trilogy then I think would be useful to see the whole idea. AS in -

1 "Corruption" Joe meets Fred and they sort out Bert.

2 "Evidence" together Joe and Fred cause havoc in the world much to the annoyance of Harry.

3 "Dissolution" Mary Joanne and Agatha go for a trip to New York.

If the poor old agent is expecting a trilogy at least he may want get a flavour of what he's getting into

 

[roddglenn]

IMO you're putting too much information about the story in your cover letter - leave that to the synopsis. Your submission should include a single page cover letter, the synopsis (preferably 1 page but no more than 2) and the first three chapters (some agents have slightly different guidelines for number of chapters, but they all tend to prefer the first ones not random ones throughout the book).

Good luck.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi SPT

A kingdom under a hidden attack, the Holy Order of the White Blades has fallen under the influence of corruption by a mysterious figure, one that has the ear of the Emperor himself. This is what Hunt, a young common citizen in the waining feudalistic lands of Bestel, learns of. What comes threatens not only Hunt and everyone in the land, but the very morals and trust of everything once thought of as holy and sacred.

I think Rod is right. The above paragraph reads more like the blurb you'd see on the back of the dust cover rather than what you should be putting in an enquiry letter. On the assumption that you are sending in unsolicited work, I'd say that your covering letter should be short, punchy and tell the reader about you and the mechanics of the book (word count, genre et al). The synopsis will tell them about the bones of the plot and the sample chapters will show your abilities as a writer. Never forget that you are essentially presenting a potential business deal, almost certainly to a relatively junior flunkey who has three thousand more unsolicited manuscripts to get through before checking Facebook or sloping off for a McFlurry. If you give the blighters the slightest reason to reject you, they will take it!

Your next para is much more like it:-

FACING CORRUPTION is the first in the Epic Fantasy trilogy PATHWAYS OF A HERO and totals 210,000 words. PATHWAYS OF A HERO: FACING CORRUPTION, while very unique and still very different,

Better say how it is different (briefly) and don't repeat "very" twice in the same sentence.

Though thanks to some new friends and a strange old man, they learn that they must find a way to go against the odds and cleanse the Holy Order, showing truth to the Emperor, though things are not always as they seem and the future is never set in stone.

You repeat "though" twice. This sentence is a bit wandering and vague. Keep it short and punchy and steer clear of those cliches like strange old men.

I would like to thank you for taking the time in reviewing this letter (AGENTS NAME). I would be happy to send you a portion or entire manuscript for your further review. Thank you for your consideration, your time and mayhap a new friend and partner.

My apologies if this is a transatlantic misunderstanding, but didn't "mayhap" fall out of popular usage in the sixteenth century? And they aren't reviewing the letter - they are just reading it. And I wouldn't ask them to be your friend! You are looking for a business partner, after all.

Regards and the very best of luck,

Peter

 

[SpTokun]

Hmm, some very interesting points. I think I now know what I need to get this query finished. I had been studying for a while from different agent points of view and from honest feedback such as everyone here. I thank you for the help. I am glad to have heard honest yet professional responses and appreciate your time!

To Naryaló S dú, I read your introduction to "The Chronicles of Brotherhood". It was definitely different than mine, but very interesting and I know you will continue on with it. Good luck to you my friend.