The Chicago Bomb, Part Three

[Kodemunkey]

Part three of my story, enjoy.

Wednesday 17th October 2007


05.30


Daredevil’s bedroom.


My alarm went off early this morning....again! It’s been doing this for the past three weeks. I’ll have to reprogram it sometime soon, but for now I’ll just take the batteries out.


I guess I could use the time “Productively” and hack into something...probably best not to, I don’t want to get caught...again.


I know what I’ll do; I’ll go visit that intern guy down at the church later. That might kill a couple of hours.


10.45: St Joseph’s church


Jason Mitchell’s office.

It’s been a couple of days since the accident, my back is still sore, but as long as I don’t overdo things I’ll recover.


I sat down carefully at my desk, trying not to aggravate my sore back. I tried sorting out the sermon for next Sunday, but my mind kept going back to the hatch in the store room.
The sermon could wait; I had to clear my head, so I headed towards the main hall.


A small gust of wind blew into the hall though a crack in one of the stained glass windows, ruffling a few pages of a book which sat on the back of a pew. I picked up the book, and idly leafed through it, if only for appearances’ sake.


I heard someone come in through the front door, and make their way into the hall; I looked up from the book, which was actually quite interesting.


I saw a careworn woman in her early forties sit down in the back row; I went over to her to see if there was anything i could do for her.


She smiled weakly as i sat in the pew next to her. I was about to speak to her when i noticed some movement in her purse.



Before i could say anything, a metallic leg popped out of the purse, closely followed by the metallic body of a tarantula, which then crawled out of the purse, along the back of the pew and onto her shoulder.


“Don’t worry” she told me, noting my expression as i watched the spider.
As it turns out, her son built the spider to keep her safe. She started to describe her son, and how she worries about him.



Daredevil
St Joseph’s church hall 11.00
I arrived at the church, looking for the Intern guy to see how he was getting on, I found him and mum talking in the back row of the church, mostly about me. I smiled as cheerfully as I could while listening to mum unload on the poor guy about how tough life was with dad gone and me getting into “trouble”.

 

[chrispenycate]

First question - if you are a church employee (if he's working out the sermon, presumably the priest responsable for the spiritual welfare of the parishioners, but not in all chuch set ups) do you call the body of the church where the pews and things are 'the hall'? I wouldn't, but I know lots of technical names for all sorts of nooks and crannies in the structure. For me, the church hall is a separate structure, in which they hold bingo evenings and meetings, but rarely worship.

I arrived at the church, looking for the Intern guy to see how he was getting on, I found him and mum talking in the back row of the church, mostly about me.

This is two sentences, and needs at least a semicolon and quite possibly a full stop in the middle. No, I'm exaggerating, but they are tending to get a bit samey.

Just because you're writing in the first person doesn't mean you have to start every sentence 'I did this', 'I went here', I saw the other'.

 

[Kodemunkey]

Thanks for the input, i'll work on that.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

The use of Daredevil is a bit distracting since it calls to mind another of the same name. Is there a reason for this? Sorry I haven't (as far as I can remember) seen the earlier parts so you may have already answered this. All the same I;m having trouble not imagining a electromagnetically challenged hero.

 

[Kodemunkey]

It's his hacking alias.

I've written a little more:

I left mum in church and went outside for a walk opening the door, i noticed some heavy storm clouds on the horizon.



Sometime later, an electrical buzzing caught my attention, as I looked around for the source; i felt the hair on my arms and head stand up. Something shouted in my head to run as fast as I could.

The buzzing came from all around me from the parked cars, the streetlights and benches. As I ran back to the church the buzzing became louder and more intense, flinging open the doors to the main hall. I shouted for everyone to lay on the floor and cover their heads.


I heard the panic in people’s voices as they tried to figure out what was going on, I shouted as best i could over the arcing coming from every metal surface that it was just a small thunderstorm and would be over soon. I do hope i’m right.

I have something i need help with, there's a pretty big scene coming up, and i'm not sure if i should write it in third person, giving an overview of what is happening, or keeping it first person?

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

It's his hacking alias.

I've written a little more:

I left mum in church and went outside for a walk

full stop

opening the door, i noticed some heavy storm clouds on the horizon.



Sometime later, an electrical buzzing caught my attention,

full stop (or at least a semicolon)

as I looked around for the source;

no need for punctuation here

i felt the hair on my arms and head stand up. Something shouted in my head to run as fast as I could.

The buzzing came from all around me

semicolon

from the parked cars, the streetlights and benches. As I ran back to the church the buzzing became louder and more intense,

full stop

flinging open the doors to the main hall. I shouted for everyone to lay

lie

on the floor and cover their heads.


I heard the panic in people’s voices as they tried to figure out what was going on,

full stop

I shouted as best i could over the arcing coming from every metal surface that it was just a small thunderstorm and would be over soon. I do hope i’m right.


I have something i need help with, there's a pretty big scene coming up, and i'm not sure if i should write it in third person, giving an overview of what is happening, or keeping it first person?

First person is very up close and intimate, but can only cover what your subject can observe (or occasionally learn later, but here you lose the intimacy) Sometimes dialogue can get nearly as close (in literature; in real life no-one is that precise and honest) while leaving the space to zoom out for a panoramic shot.
That's not an answer, is it? I don't think anyone can really make the decision but you, How about writing a small section (a difficult one, if possible) from the two points of view, and seeing which one grips best?

 

[Kodemunkey]

That sounds reasonable, i'll try it.

 

[Kodemunkey]

Sorry for the double post, but i've had an idea on how to move the story on.

I'll add in a couple of lines at the start of the story about how there was some minor repairs being done to the church roof, and so there'd be some rubber sheeting and ear protection in a small cupboard.

Daredevil and Jason ( "The intern guy" ) use these to make an ad hoc shelter from the intensifying discharges.

Later a small military unit comes along looking for survivors during a lull in the discharges, and begins to evacuate the group. But before they can get outside the door, the storm really gets going. So the group get bundled in the bunker, which i've mentioned earlier in the story.

I was also thinking that as daredevil is entering the bunker, he stops to thank one of the military group, who've been hit by a discharge and killed.

Does that seem reasonable?

 

[chrispenycate]

I don't think a rubber (insulative) sheet is going to do him much good against static discharge.
He'e be much better off building a Faraday cage out of something conductive; have they any thick copper foil for doing guttering and downpipes? He could build a conductive shield round the room, so the energy flows round them , rather than through them.
Alternatively, if you grounded something metallic and spiky (like a multi-branched candlestick; many of the church ones for big candles have spikes to drive into the bottom of the wax.
Then rather than trying to escape the discharges, you attract them somewhere else. Of course, it doesn't do the candlestick much good to work as a localised lightning rod, but rather it than you.

And how can he thank someone who's been killed by a discharge?

 

[Kodemunkey]

yeah, that was a mistake, all but one of the group die. and the storm dies down after a few days.

 

[Kodemunkey]

Written a little more:

I yelled over the din of crackling static for Jason to pull three of the pews together to make a shelter for everyone in the room, we then got to work scavenging copper sheeting from a store room so we could build a makeshift Faraday cage
We finished the cage and joined the others inside, which I was thankful for as the static shocks where becoming unbearable.