Short excerpt - plot turning point

[Glitch]

This is a short excerpt from a story I've been working on for a while now.

I originally posted the opening scene back in March 2007 and discovered I was seriously lacking in the grammar department. Originally that put me off a bit, but I continued to jot down my ideas an attempted to learn the bits I was lacking.

I hope that it has been time well spent, but please give me your honest opinion.

It's a fantasy story set in the present, there are some dark moments in the story.

Here's the link to the original excerpt, if anyone wants to see it
http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/36080-short-excerpt-chapter-1-jessica.html

This excerpt is from a different part of the story; just leading up to an incident that turns the world of the main character upside down.

Out of context this plot may appear confusing, let me know if you would like to read more.

It's only 250 words, to save on chrispenycate's red pen

---

Jessica doesn’t realise that he’s finished on the phone and has been talking to her. She can still feel his gaze although she no longer hears his voice, looking over her shoulder she sees him standing in the doorway staring at her. He drinks the remainder of the wine from his glass.

‘I said, what’s the point of employing a housekeeper if you’re going to do the work yourself?’ Derek says as he walks over to the island counter and places his empty glass down.

Jessica half-heartedly replies, not really wanting to speak to him, ‘Kelly doesn’t work Sundays and the dishwasher is broken.’

‘So just leave them for her to do tomorrow.’

She doesn’t answer, instead continues to wash the plates; hoping her lack of interest will cause him to leave. She hears the kitchen door close, but she can still sense someone in the room with her: it’s a gift she’s had since childhood, she doesn’t know how it works but it made playing hide and seek much easier.

Her heart rate starts to increase as she feels his eyes checking her out. She can hear the beat: it sounds like loud drum drowning out the radio, the vibration feels like it shakes her whole body on each strike. She tries to keep her breathing under control so he doesn’t notice her anxiety of being alone with him.

She looks up and lets out a little squeak as she’s startled by his reflection in the window; he’s much closer than she realised, standing behind her but off to one side. He brushes past her and walks over to the radio where he turns it up.

 

[ctg]

Well, why don't you do it in paste tense like rest of us? In my head I was translating every sentence to past tense, as your present tense makes it feel as if I would be reading from the synopsis (even though the excerpt isn't).

 

[rol7805]

I actually thought present tense worked ok. I would start "looking over her shoulder" as a new sentence. I identify with the main character well in this section and could visualize the setting. I'm curious about what her 'ability' is. Good job!

 

[Glitch]

I visualise the story in my head, which is why it comes out as present tense.

Her abilities manifest themselves as and when she needs them to, but she's never able to fully control them.

 

[Foles]

I think the present tense is fine. It certainly makes your story feel like it is unfolding before my eyes this very moment.

I agree with rol7805; I think looking over her shoulder should be a new sentence. The flow doesn't feel quite right there. In the fifth paragraph, I would either say She doesn’t answer, instead she continues to wash the plates; or She doesn't answer, instead continuing to wash the plates;

 

[Prefx]

Present tense always kicks me to life when I'm reading; I find it preferable, but the author has to be good at what s/he's doing.

I find this excerpt very pleasant. I could sympathize with Jessica. Some suggestions:

Jessica doesn’t realise that he’s finished on the phone and has been talking to her.

I stumbled over this sentence twice, simply because "talking to her" could still imply a phone conversation. Perhaps some indication of verbalization through his mouth? Maybe with proceeding text I wouldn't stumble, either.

looking over her shoulder she sees him standing in the doorway staring at her.

I'll act as a third echo to the above statements.

like loud drum drowning out the radio

[...] a drum [...]

standing behind her but off to one side.

Just something I found amusing: I read this statement as "standing behind her butt off to one side."

 

[Glitch]

Jessica doesn’t realise that he’s finished on the phone and has been talking to her.

I stumbled over this sentence twice, simply because "talking to her" could still imply a phone conversation. Perhaps some indication of verbalization through his mouth? Maybe with proceeding text I wouldn't stumble, either.

yes I wasn't sure about that sentence either, what I'm trying to do is show that she's been hearing his voice in the background and has tuned out.

I know I've made it more difficult by taking the excerpt out of context because I was worried about the grammar (if you had seen the previous article)

I think I will post a longer segment.. in a new thread

 

[Zubi-Ondo]

Jessica doesn’t realise that he’s finished on the phone and has been talking to her.

I would suggest: "Jessica doesn’t realise that he’s finished on the phone and is talking to her." in keeping with the theme of present tense. I like the way this comes out too. I agree that it requires skill to write this way because it would be so easy to slip back into past tense (for me, at least). Good job.

- Z.

 

[Troo]

It's good. You've not quite got the grasp of semicolons yet, but the pacing is good, the prose is good, and it's a good indicator of your writing ability.