Tense past / present critique request

[Glitch]

Since it seems I have a tendency to write in past tense I tried to change my story.

Here is the example I posted in the critique section which was highlighted as present tense and caused all the fuss. Thanks ctg

Jessica doesn’t realise that he’s finished on the phone and has been talking to her. She can still feel his gaze although she no longer hears his voice, looking over her shoulder she sees him standing in the doorway staring at her. He drinks the remainder of the wine from his glass.

‘I said, what’s the point of employing a housekeeper if you’re going to do the work yourself?’ Derek says as he walks over to the island and places his empty glass down.

Jessica half-heartedly replies, not really wanting to speak to him, ‘Kelly doesn’t work Sundays and the dishwasher is broken.’

‘So just leave them for her to do tomorrow.’

She doesn’t answer, instead continues to wash the plates; hoping her lack of interest will cause him to leave. She hears the kitchen door close, but she can still sense someone in the room with her: it’s a gift she’s had since childhood, she doesn’t know how it works but it made playing hide and seek much easier.

Her heart rate starts to increase as she feels his eyes checking her out. She can hear the beat: it sounds loud drum drowning out the radio, the vibration feels like it shakes her whole body on each strike. She tries to keep her breathing under control so he doesn’t notice her anxiety of being alone with him.

She looks up and lets out a little squeak as she’s startled by his reflection in the window; he’s much closer than she realised, standing behind her but off to one side. He brushes past her and walks over to the radio where he turns it up.

And here I have reworked that segment seeing if I could make it past tense

Jessica hadn't realised that he was no longer on the phone and had been talking to her for the last few minutes. She could still feel his gaze although she no longer heard a voice.

Looking over her shoulder she saw him standing in the doorway staring at her. He finished the remainder of his drink as his eyes drifted up to meet hers, causing her to look away.

‘I said, what’s the point of employing a housekeeper if you’re going to do the work yourself?’ Derek walked over to the island counter and placed his glass down hard. Jessica jumped thinking he had smashed the glass.

Jessica half-heartedly replies, not really wanting to be drawn into a conversation with him, ‘Kelly doesn’t work Sundays and the dishwasher is broken.’

‘So just leave them for her to do tomorrow.’

She wasn't going to win so didn’t answer, instead continued to wash the plates; hoping her lack of interest would cause him to leave. She heard the kitchen door close, but she could still sense someone in the room with her: it’s a gift she’s had since childhood, she doesn’t know how it works but it made playing hide and seek much easier.

Her heart rate started to increase, she could sense his eyes checking her out and this made her feel vulnerable. She could hear the beat: it sounded like a loud drum drowning out the radio, the vibration sent shock waves through her entire body. She tried to keep her breathing under control so he wouldn’t notice her anxiety.

She looked up and was startled by his reflection in the window; he’s was much closer than she realised, standing behind her. He brushed past her as he walked over to the radio where he turned it up.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Just a quick edit, only suggestions. It is in the end your story.

Jessica did not realise he was no longer on the phone, and had been talking to her for the last few minutes. She could feel his gaze, although, she no longer heard his voice.

Looking over her shoulder, she saw him standing in the doorway, staring at her. He finished the remainder of his drink, his eyes drifting up to meet hers, causing her to look away.

‘I said, what’s the point of employing a housekeeper if you’re going to do the work yourself?’ Derek walked over to the island counter, and placed his glass down hard. Jessica jumped; had he smashed the glass?

Jessica half-heartedly tried to reply, not really wanting to be drawn into the conversation, ‘Kelly doesn’t work Sundays, and the dishwasher is broken.’

‘So just leave them for her to do tomorrow.’

She wasn't going to win, so, she continued to wash the plates; hoping her lack of interest would make him leave. She heard the kitchen door close, but she could still sense someone in the room with her: it was a gift, one she didn't know how it worked, had it since childhood, when it had made playing hide and seek easier.

Her heart rate started to increase. She could sense his eyes on her, this making her feel vulnerable. She could hear a beat: a loud drum, drowning out the radio, the vibration sending shock waves through her body. She tried to keep her breathing under control, so he wouldn’t notice her anxiety.

She looked up and was startled by his reflection in the window; he’s was closer than she realised, standing behind her. He brushed past her, as he walked over to the radio, and he turned it up.

 

[ctg]

Since it seems I have a tendency to write in past tense I tried to change my story.

Here is the example I posted in the critique section which was highlighted as present tense and caused all the fuss. Thanks ctg

Your welcome, it works better in that way.

Jessica hadn't realised that he was no longer on the phone and had been talking to her for the last few minutes. She could still feel his gaze although she no longer heard a voice.

Looking over her shoulder she saw him standing in the doorway staring at her. He finished the remainder of his drink as his eyes drifted up to meet hers, causing her to look away.

‘I said, what’s the point of employing a housekeeper if you’re going to do the work yourself?’ Derek walked over to the island counter and placed his glass down hard. Jessica jumped thinking he had smashed the glass.

Jessica half-heartedly replies, not really wanting to be drawn into a conversation with him, ‘Kelly doesn’t work Sundays and the dishwasher is broken.’

‘So just leave them for her to do tomorrow.’

She wasn't going to win so didn’t answer, instead continued to wash the plates; hoping her lack of interest would cause him to leave. She heard the kitchen door close, but she could still sense someone in the room with her: it’s a gift she’s had since childhood, she doesn’t know how it works but it made playing hide and seek much easier.

Her heart rate started to increase, she could sense his eyes checking her out and this made her feel vulnerable. She could hear the beat: it sounded like a loud drum drowning out the radio, the vibration sent shock waves through her entire body. She tried to keep her breathing under control so he wouldn’t notice her anxiety.

She looked up and was startled by his reflection in the window; he’s was much closer than she realised, standing behind her. He brushed past her as he walked over to the radio where he turned it up.

Even though it's better, you can rewrite to be bit better. More understandable, as the clarity is the key. You don't have to accept my rewrites. I just wanted to show you what I felt you needed to change to make this excerpt working.

Jessica hadn't realised that he was no longer at the other end of the phone. For a couple of last minutes there had been absolute silence. She glanced over her shoulder and saw him standing in the doorway, holding a half finished glass in his hand.

‘I said,' Derek raised his voice and walked over to the island counter. 'What’s the point of employing a housekeeper if you’re going to do the work yourself?’

Her heart jumped as she heard empty glass clattering on the surface. Jessica thought, [insert thought] Then she half-heartedly replied, ‘Kelly doesn’t work Sundays, and the dishwasher is broken,’ and pointed at the old machine under the sink.

The island counter creaked as he leaned closer to whisper, ‘So just leave them for her to do tomorrow.’

She wasn't going to win so didn’t answer, instead continued to wash the plates; hoping her lack of interest would cause him to leave. She heard the kitchen door closing, but there was something else. There was still someone in the room with her. She had been able to sense these sort of things since her childhood. It had made playing hide and seek much easier.

Jessica could feel her heart bounding as she sensed his eyes checking her out. it made her feel vulnerable. She could hear the beat: it sounded like a loud drum drowning out the radio, the vibration sent shock waves through her entire body. She tried to keep her breathing under control so he wouldn’t notice her anxiety.

She looked up and saw his reflection in the window. He was much closer than she realised, standing directly behind her. He brushed past her as he walked over to the radio where he turned it up.