Dragon's Eye Chapter 3 and part of 4 its a little rough so please

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Damiynn

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I am a fantasy author, who has traveled the world.
It's a little rough so please point out any mistakes I made, It was late last night when I finished it so...

Chapter 3


“What did you do with the medallion,” the dragon growled disgustedly, “leave it in a box somewhere?”

Flushing guiltily, Micah ran his hand through his dark brown hair.

“You did, didn’t you!” exclaimed the dragon incredulously, another small jet of fire blew out its nostrils. Not waiting for his response, its growling voice raised several octaves, “Weren’t you told by your father, man of the blood, to wear it at all times? Weren’t you told that you had a duty and an obligation to the people of this land, that you could be called at any time to fulfill it?”

Again Micah flushed, this time anger filled him instead of guilt.
“How dare you talk to me this way!” Waving his hand around at the room he met the dragon glare to glare. “None of this is real, this is all a dream. Dragon’s don’t exist and Illanor is a place of make believe, a fairy tale made up by my deranged father before he was institutionalized.”

The lines around the dragon’s mouth drew upwards. It was hard to tell because of its long teeth, but he thought, Is it smiling?

“A dream huh?” it answered, echoing his words. Moving its head about indicating their surroundings, it finished, “And none of this is real? I am nothing but a figment of your imagination, a child’s storytale made up for you by Benjamin?”

Micah thought the beast sounded offended. Something unrecognizable gleamed momentarily in the dragon’s eyes and that’s all it was. A moment.
Before he could blink the dragon’s head shot forward in a blur and seized him. Long teeth clamped down over his body and thinking he was about to die Micah screamed in terror. The giant beast tossed its head sideways and suddenly he was flying through the air towards one of its chained clawed feet.

He tried, as he had been taught, to roll with the impact, but didn’t succeed. Air exploded out his lungs as he landed hard on the stone floor. Fear overwhelmed him and he tried scrambling away, but a bone white talon caught him by the legs and knocked his feet out from under him.
Angry eyes pierced him as the same talon rolled him over and pinned his chest to the stone. Staring at its giant claw, Micah suddenly realized he was not waking up. You are supposed to wake up when you were about to die in a dream.

Growling, the dragon deftly moved its talon down his chest.
Micah watched in fascinated terror as it carefully popped the buttons from his shirt.

Placing its claw against his bare skin, the dragon snarled in a hiss, “I am no dream dragon rider, and this is no fairy tale created by Benjamin. Hot, fetid breath washed over his face and it was all Micah could do to keep from crying out as its teeth gnashed together next to his face.

Suddenly the dragon’s eye pulsed, a bright red glow that almost seemed to strike the beast and the dragon drew back in shock. Eyes wide, it released him.

“Even though I would like to kill you Man of the blood, it seems I am not permitted. Get out of here, you’re a disgrace to your father and the other riders who came before you and the sight of you disgusts me!”

Twice he had heard the name and trying to pull the tattered remains of his shirt back over his exposed chest Micah asked, as he scrambled backwards away from the dragon's angry visage. “How do you know my father?”
The dragon stopped as if struck, its head wheeled back around, eyes wide with surprise. “He didn’t tell you?”it breathed, gazing reproachfully at him.

“Tell me what?” demanded Micah, not entirely sure what he was asking for.

The dragon eyed him carefully, its red eyes staring at him so hard that it looked as if it was trying to see into his soul. Finally the dragon gave a harsh bark of laughter, and spoke, “Your father was the last rider who did his duty when needed.” Its expression changed to scorn, “Unlike some, he answered the call when duty required him.”

Now Micah gaped incredulously. “My father has been here?” he blurted out before he could stop himself. Thinking back, he remembered how vividly his father had described his stories. Micah realized the dragon was telling the truth.

Changing the subject, the dragon growled, shooting him an appraising look, “Have you ever even held a sword Man of the blood?” Then it fixed him with a skeptical eye that said it thought it already knew the answer.

“Can you defend yourself? Do you have any skills that might even make you useful?”

Micah thought back to the hapkido lessons when he had been a teenager. Then he had been proficient with a sword but that had been years ago. Now he was better with a baton, thanks to his police training. Still he had never had to use the thing and couldn’t remember the last time he had stepped into the ring in a real fight.

“Not since I was a young man to the first question, and some to the second.” He answered, hoping the dragon didn’t detect the doubt in his voice. “Why would I need to protect myself?”

“Didn’t you hear me tell you that the rest of Illanor, the riders, the dragons and the Griega would like to see you dead?” The dragon rolled its eyes. “Damn humans, you never listen to anything unless you’re frightened half to death or it is screamed at you.”

Micah shook his head, “I heard what you said damn it, but what I meant was why me?”

“The dragon’s eye,” answered the dragon, pointing with a long talon at the medallion clasped in his hand, “is what the Griega are seeking. As for the rest of us, we just want you dead because you didn’t come to stop them.”

"Why? What’s so important about the eye that it would cause such death and destruction?”

The dragon eyed him as if he were an ignorant child who should already know, but answered anyway. “Benjamin should have told you. The dragon’s eye is but one of three parts of the one object. The eye, the tooth and the heart.”

Seeing the confused look on Micah’s face the dragon let out a heavy sigh. “Sit in the corner, this might take a while.”

Micah did as he was told and listened to what was being said without it having to be screamed at him.

Chapter 4

“In ancient times before men came to Allryss, dragons ruled over the heavens and earth. When humans first arrived, traveling through gateways from their other worlds, wars were fought between man and Dragon with thousands dying on both sides. After seeing that there was no way to stop the advance of humans on the dragonworld, the dragons offered up a peace agreement. Humans, fearing that the dragons could kill so many of them before they could protect themselves used magic and created The Eye, The Tooth, and The Heart. The Eye protects the wearer. No dragon can harm its wearer. The Tooth allows the human possessing it control any dragon close to him or her and The heart can banish or summon dragons to it, and when all three are together, the holder can control the gateways between worlds.”

Listening intently, Micah hadn't realized that the dragon had stopped speaking.

Showing that he was indeed paying attention he asked, looking down at the medallion on his chest, “Who has the other two?”

“The Griega, are fierce warriors who believe that all dragons should just be beasts of burden. If they can capture the eye and find the heart there will be no stopping them. Thanks to your father, who also did his duty, the dragon’s eye was transferred beyond their reach. Out of anger because of their defeat, the Griega destroyed the surrounding city here and ruined the lands but they also left Illanor.” The dragon paused and let out a long breath and laid its head down on the stone floor.

“When they came again and the destruction began, the winged riders called for you to come and bring the eye, so that they would have someone to lead them as your father did, but their summons was never answered. You, Micah Williams are a descendant of the first rider. In order to protect the eye it was transferred to another plane of existence in order to keep it safe. Didn’t your father tell you any of this?”

Micah found himself shaking his head, but mumbled, “I didn’t believe him, and there was no proof, except this.” He held up the stone. “Until today, it never did anything. I thought my father had made up all those tales.” Micah found himself eyeing the stone warily, “What does it do?”

The dragon’s head lowered again until it was eye to eye with him. “If the Griega take over here and gain control of the heart and the eye, Allenar, their dragonmage, can open up the portals to the other worlds. The closest one to this one is yours. More than likely he will start with it. If you have an heir he will kill him first, that way the eye can’t be passed on to another after he finishes with you. Do you have any other heirs, Micah Williams?”

Micha’s mind flashed back to his ten year old son, Jared, living with his mother and new stepfather, slowly he nodded. He also thought he heard something else in what the dragon was saying but it flew away from his thoughts as he heard the beasts next words.

“All it will take,” the dragon said in a direct manner, “is killing you here, then the stone will pass through your blood to the next in your line. The Griegan Dragonmage can use the heart and follow that line to your world. I’m sure with what you didn’t believe from your own father’s mouth, you probably never passed on your heritage to your own son?”

Micah shook his head no, thinking back. He had told Mariynn about the stories and they both had agreed that their son didn’t need to know about his father’s deranged nonsense of other worlds and protectors.

Realizing that possibly he might not be dreaming, Micah decided to take a chance. “And since I am supposed to know you and you know me, what is your name?”

The great dragon eyed him carefully and to Micah’s eyes it felt as if he was being measured from head to toe and then some before the beast finally answered. “My name, Man of the Blood, is Noraxxis.”

“Norraxxis,” Micah echoed softly, the name sending him back years in his head. At first he didn’t know how far but as the long ago memories of his childhood resurfaced he remembered the name of the loyal and fierce dragon his father had told him about. The dragon that served as the protector of the holder and the guardian of the gate. “I know about you,” Micah whispered in fascinated awe. “I know your story.”
Noraxxis drew back a little and regarded him with a flat level eyed stare.

“You are the protector of the holder and the guardian of the gate. You are the fiercest and most dangerous of your kind and considered to be one of the greatest dragons to have ever been hatched.” Slowly another memory surfaced and Micah found himself saying, “However the danger falls, my loyalty will always be to the bloods call.”

Micah didn’t realize where the words came from exactly but the change they wrought on Noraxxis was instantaneous. The anger that had seemed to sustain the dragon faded away as if it had never been there. Almost reverently the large beast lowered its spiny head until it lay at his feet.

“So do I serve and always to the blood am I a servant to all. I misjudged you Micah Williams and doubted you were a rider but your words are those of the foresworn and the words of a servant to the eye. Only a Man of the Blood can speak them while wearing the eye.”
 
Micah thought the beast sounded offended. Something unrecognizable gleamed momentarily in the dragon’s eyes and that’s all it was. A moment.
Before he could blink the dragon’s head shot forward in a blur and seized him. Long teeth clamped down over his body and thinking he was about to die Micah screamed in terror. The giant beast tossed its head sideways and suddenly he was flying through the air towards one of its chained clawed feet.

A moment of what? A moment of terror?

With the second highlight, I think you can remove those or write the ending.

Damiynn said:
He tried, as he had been taught, to roll with the impact, but didn’t succeed. Air exploded out his lungs as he landed hard on the stone floor. Fear overwhelmed him and he tried scrambling away, but a bone white talon caught him by the legs and knocked his feet out from under him.
Angry eyes pierced him as the same talon rolled him over and pinned his chest to the stone. Staring at its giant claw, Micah suddenly realized he was not waking up. You are supposed to wake up when you were about to die in a dream.

Good, exciting stuff.

Damiynn said:
Growling, the dragon deftly moved its talon down his chest.
Micah watched in fascinated terror as it carefully popped the buttons from his shirt.

Placing its claw against his bare skin, the dragon snarled in a hiss, “I am no dream dragon rider, and this is no fairy tale created by Benjamin. Hot, fetid breath washed over his face and it was all Micah could do to keep from crying out as its teeth gnashed together next to his face.

Wouldn't he feel heat from Dragon breath and smell sulphur?

Damiynn said:
Suddenly the dragon’s eye pulsed, a bright red glow that almost seemed to strike the beast and the dragon drew back in shock. Eyes wide, it released him.

“Even though I would like to kill you Man of the blood, it seems I am not permitted. Get out of here, you’re a disgrace to your father and the other riders who came before you and the sight of you disgusts me!”

Twice he had heard the name and trying to pull the tattered remains of his shirt back over his exposed chest Micah asked, as he scrambled backwards away from the dragon's angry visage. “How do you know my father?”
The dragon stopped as if struck, its head wheeled back around, eyes wide with surprise. “He didn’t tell you?”it breathed, gazing reproachfully at him.

“Tell me what?” demanded Micah, not entirely sure what he was asking for.

The dragon eyed him carefully, its red eyes staring at him so hard that it looked as if it was trying to see into his soul. Finally the dragon gave a harsh bark of laughter, and spoke, “Your father was the last rider who did his duty when needed.” Its expression changed to scorn, “Unlike some, he answered the call when duty required him.”

Now Micah gaped incredulously. “My father has been here?” he blurted out before he could stop himself. Thinking back, he remembered how vividly his father had described his stories. Micah realized the dragon was telling the truth.

Changing the subject, the dragon growled, shooting him an appraising look, “Have you ever even held a sword Man of the blood?” Then it fixed him with a skeptical eye that said it thought it already knew the answer.

“Can you defend yourself? Do you have any skills that might even make you useful?”

Micah thought back to the hapkido lessons when he had been a teenager. Then he had been proficient with a sword but that had been years ago. Now he was better with a baton, thanks to his police training. Still he had never had to use the thing and couldn’t remember the last time he had stepped into the ring in a real fight.

“Not since I was a young man to the first question, and some to the second.” He answered, hoping the dragon didn’t detect the doubt in his voice. “Why would I need to protect myself?”

“Didn’t you hear me tell you that the rest of Illanor, the riders, the dragons and the Griega would like to see you dead?” The dragon rolled its eyes. “Damn humans, you never listen to anything unless you’re frightened half to death or it is screamed at you.”

Micah shook his head, “I heard what you said damn it, but what I meant was why me?”

“The dragon’s eye,” answered the dragon, pointing with a long talon at the medallion clasped in his hand, “is what the Griega are seeking. As for the rest of us, we just want you dead because you didn’t come to stop them.”

"Why? What’s so important about the eye that it would cause such death and destruction?”

The dragon eyed him as if he were an ignorant child who should already know, but answered anyway. “Benjamin should have told you. The dragon’s eye is but one of three parts of the one object. The eye, the tooth and the heart.”

Very nice.

Damiynn said:
Seeing the confused look on Micah’s face the dragon let out a heavy sigh. “Sit in the corner, this might take a while.”

First sentence is jarring, rewrite it in Micah's perspective.

Damiynn said:
Micah did as he was told and listened to what was being said without it having to be screamed at him.

Chapter 4

“In ancient times before men came to Allryss, dragons ruled over the heavens and earth. When humans first arrived, traveling through gateways from their other worlds, wars were fought between man and Dragon with thousands dying on both sides. After seeing that there was no way to stop the advance of humans on the dragonworld, the dragons offered up a peace agreement. Humans, fearing that the dragons could kill so many of them before they could protect themselves used magic and created The Eye, The Tooth, and The Heart. The Eye protects the wearer. No dragon can harm its wearer. The Tooth allows the human possessing it control any dragon close to him or her and The heart can banish or summon dragons to it, and when all three are together, the holder can control the gateways between worlds.”

The opening feels a bit info-dumpy. Add there dragon actions to change the feeling.

Damiynn said:
Listening intently, Micah hadn't realized that the dragon had stopped speaking.

Showing that he was indeed paying attention he asked, looking down at the medallion on his chest, “Who has the other two?”

“The Griega, are fierce warriors who believe that all dragons should just be beasts of burden. If they can capture the eye and find the heart there will be no stopping them. Thanks to your father, who also did his duty, the dragon’s eye was transferred beyond their reach. Out of anger because of their defeat, the Griega destroyed the surrounding city here and ruined the lands but they also left Illanor.” The dragon paused and let out a long breath and laid its head down on the stone floor.

“When they came again and the destruction began, the winged riders called for you to come and bring the eye, so that they would have someone to lead them as your father did, but their summons was never answered. You, Micah Williams are a descendant of the first rider. In order to protect the eye it was transferred to another plane of existence in order to keep it safe. Didn’t your father tell you any of this?”

Micah found himself shaking his head, but mumbled, “I didn’t believe him, and there was no proof, except this.” He held up the stone. “Until today, it never did anything. I thought my father had made up all those tales.” Micah found himself eyeing the stone warily, “What does it do?”

The dragon’s head lowered again until it was eye to eye with him. “If the Griega take over here and gain control of the heart and the eye, Allenar, their dragonmage, can open up the portals to the other worlds. The closest one to this one is yours. More than likely he will start with it. If you have an heir he will kill him first, that way the eye can’t be passed on to another after he finishes with you. Do you have any other heirs, Micah Williams?”

Man, in Micah shoes I would be thinking doesn't he ever stop. Anyway, it's better prose then at the beginning.

Damiynn said:
Micha’s mind flashed back to his ten year old son, Jared, living with his mother and new stepfather, slowly he nodded. He also thought he heard something else in what the dragon was saying but it flew away from his thoughts as he heard the beasts next words.

“All it will take,” the dragon said in a direct manner, “is killing you here, then the stone will pass through your blood to the next in your line. The Griegan Dragonmage can use the heart and follow that line to your world. I’m sure with what you didn’t believe from your own father’s mouth, you probably never passed on your heritage to your own son?”

Micah shook his head no, thinking back. He had told Mariynn about the stories and they both had agreed that their son didn’t need to know about his father’s deranged nonsense of other worlds and protectors.

Realizing that possibly he might not be dreaming, Micah decided to take a chance. “And since I am supposed to know you and you know me, what is your name?”

The great dragon eyed him carefully and to Micah’s eyes it felt as if he was being measured from head to toe and then some before the beast finally answered. “My name, Man of the Blood, is Noraxxis.”

“Norraxxis,” Micah echoed softly, the name sending him back years in his head. At first he didn’t know how far but as the long ago memories of his childhood resurfaced he remembered the name of the loyal and fierce dragon his father had told him about. The dragon that served as the protector of the holder and the guardian of the gate. “I know about you,” Micah whispered in fascinated awe. “I know your story.”
Noraxxis drew back a little and regarded him with a flat level eyed stare.

“You are the protector of the holder and the guardian of the gate. You are the fiercest and most dangerous of your kind and considered to be one of the greatest dragons to have ever been hatched.” Slowly another memory surfaced and Micah found himself saying, “However the danger falls, my loyalty will always be to the bloods call.”

Micah didn’t realize where the words came from exactly but the change they wrought on Noraxxis was instantaneous. The anger that had seemed to sustain the dragon faded away as if it had never been there. Almost reverently the large beast lowered its spiny head until it lay at his feet.

“So do I serve and always to the blood am I a servant to all. I misjudged you Micah Williams and doubted you were a rider but your words are those of the foresworn and the words of a servant to the eye. Only a Man of the Blood can speak them while wearing the eye.”

Much better.
 
Hi Damiynn. Here are my thoughts on chapter 3..

“How dare you talk to me this way!” Waving his hand around at the room he met the dragon glare to (for?) glare (Or maybe 'he met the dragon's glare with his own'). “None of this is real, this is all a dream. Dragon’s (Dragons) don’t exist and Illanor is a place of make believe, a fairy tale made up by my deranged father before he was institutionalized.”
“A dream huh?” it answered, echoing his words. Moving its head about indicating their surroundings, it finished ('continued' might be better as he goes on for quite a bit yet), “And none of this is real? I am nothing but a figment of your imagination, a child’s storytale made up for you by Benjamin?”
Micah thought the beast sounded offended. Something unrecognizable gleamed momentarily in the dragon’s eyes and that’s all it was. A moment.
That red bit is awkward and doesn't do much for the reader. Maybe take it out or replace with something 'recognizable'.
Growling, the dragon deftly moved its talon down his chest.
Micah watched in fascinated terror as it carefully popped the buttons from his shirt.
'Carefully' negates the terror. I would remove 'deftly' from the first sentence and use it in place of 'carefully', instead ('Micah watched in fascinated terror - or simply froze in terror - as it deftly popped the buttons from his shirt').
Placing its claw against his bare skin, the dragon snarled in a hiss, “I am no dream dragon rider (Do you mean 'I am no dream dragon, rider,'?), and this is no fairy tale created by Benjamin.
Suddenly the dragon’s eye pulsed, a bright red glow that almost seemed to strike the beast and the dragon drew back in shock. Eyes wide, it released him.
I think 'strike the beast' is misleading. You could go with something more visual like 'send a shiver down the beast', for example.
“Even though I would like to kill you, Man of the blood, it seems I am not permitted. Get out of here, you’re a disgrace to your father and the other riders who came before you and the sight of you disgusts me!”
Just wondering here; do the dragons really kill Men of the blood routinely when they're miffed? Wouldn't all Men of the blood be rather too precious for them to even ponder this?
Twice he had heard the name (Could be nitpicky, but the dragon didn't really use his father's name. Maybe 'Twice he had heard the reference'?) and trying to pull the tattered remains of his shirt back over his exposed chest Micah asked, as he scrambled backwards away from the dragon's angry visage. “How do you know my father?”
The dragon stopped as if struck, its head wheeled (wheeling? Or use a semi-colon or full stop after 'struck') back around, eyes wide with surprise. “He didn’t tell you?”it breathed, gazing reproachfully at him.
I think a dragon with its eyes widening in surprise looks a bit undignified, hehe. Maybe 'eyes narrowing thoughtfully' or 'one heavy eyelid rising questioningly'? Just my opinion, though. Also, 'gazing reproachfully' doesn't sound quite right in this context.
Now Micah gaped incredulously. “My father has been here? (In this place? Or in this situation? If you mean this place and this is explained in one of the earlier chapters, ignore this comment)” he blurted out before he could stop himself.
I don't think he'd really want to stop himself from exclaiming that anyway, so that second red bit can be removed.
Changing the subject, the dragon growled, shooting him an appraising look, “Have you ever even held a sword, Man of the blood?” Then it fixed him with a skeptical eye that said it thought it already knew the answer.

“Can you defend yourself? Do you have any skills that might even make you useful?”
Might want to combine that second bit of dialogue with the preceding paragraph.
Still, he had never had to use the thing and couldn’t remember the last time he had stepped into the ring in a real fight.
Just 'been involved in a real fight' would work better, I think. Stepping into the ring carries too much implication of an organised fight (like a boxing match).
“Not since I was a young man to the first question, and same to the second,” he answered, hoping the dragon didn’t detect the doubt in his voice.
“Didn’t you hear me tell you that the rest of Illanor, the riders, the dragons and the Griega would like to see you dead?” The dragon rolled its eyes. “Damn humans, you never listen to anything unless you’re frightened half to death or it is screamed at you.”
To me, this sounds too much like a human way of putting things (esp. 'half to death'). Maybe this is valid in your setting, so ignore this if it is.
“The dragon’s eye,” answered the dragon, pointing with a long talon at the medallion clasped in his hand, “is what the Griega are seeking. As for the rest of us, we just want you dead because you didn’t come to stop them (nice, lol).”

"Why? What’s so important about the eye that it would cause such death and destruction?”
The dragon said nothing about mass death and destruction, just Micah's own mounting problems, so this is very out of place.
Micah did as he was told and listened to what was being said (Too bland. Maybe 'the dragon's tale') without it having to be screamed at him.
That last bit also nags at me despite it being a clever reference to the dragon's earlier comment - maybe because it's slightly off Micah's POV. Maybe you could go with 'and listened to the dragon's tale with mounting dread/disbelief/whatever', instead.

I like it; nice action bits and some parts of the dialogue are really good. I think you'd easily notice those little anomalies I highlighted during revision, anyway. :)

- Dreir -
 
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