Cruel critics welcome

[Nyx]

One of the introductory scenes for the novel I am writing. Any critcs welcome, both general (atmosphere) and linear. Please be violent.

CH. 1: After Midnight

Hkadeh woke with a start. His ruby-red eyes swept his surroundings. The dark room was illuminated by the faint glow of stars hanging above the canopy. The faint radiance, filtered by a lightly covered sky and the forest’s thick curtain of leaves, would not have been sufficient for a human’s eye to catch. However Hkadeh could almost see clearly. Nothing seemed to move. Slipping out of the niche caved inside the wall’s wood that served as a bed, the red-eyed elfin sighed. He was nervous these days, but he couldn’t understand why.

Reaching little more than half an average man’s height, Hkadeh was probably the tallest elfin in his community. His frail body contrasted with his aggressive eyes reflecting the dim light. Thin straight hair fell like rain pouring behind his shoulders. Splashing water on his face, he moved toward the open air.

His “room” was a neat hole in a giant Akshii tree, where his grand-father had lived. An open curtain—as custom said it should always be if immediate need did not say otherwise—was all that separated the small home from a hundred-pace drop. A plank-and-rope bridge hung between his millenarian tree and another one. The other huge tree itself connected to several others. A webbed network connected several hundred similar houses at different levels, some higher than Hkadeh’s by two dozen paces, some not more than a score above the forest floor. On rare trees, plank steps curved down to the ground, sliding around the thick trunks.

A low hoot broke the tense silence. Eyes closed, Hkadeh inhaled the fresh night air and listened, hoping for the musical sound to reappear. Again, the owl called. The elfin breathed in the confident calmness of the note. Abruptly, the bird stopped, cut short, as if it had never existed. Eyes flashing open, Hkadeh peered around for what had caused the owl to break off, but the air was as empty as it was silent. Eyeing the forest suspiciously, examining each tree from branch to branch, he nervously fidgeted his night-clothes. Silence was all his eyes met, stillness all he could hear.

Muscles loosened, his body straightened. Stress for nothing, that’s all it was. Unexpectedly, sound of shredding bark broke the serene peace just as he was stepping back. All happened in a flash: Hkadeh looked upwards. A dark creature of indistinct shape fell on him. He dove backwards, only to find his legged slashed by a curved silver-colored claw. The gash stung, but he hardly noticed the pain. All his attention was focused on the pair of yellow orbs contrasting with the creature’s black form. The thing clawed forwards, using its bat-like wings to pull itself closer. A set of white, pointed teeth revealed themselves, coming ever closer. Yellow eyes still fixing the small elfin’s terrorized gaze, slowly approaching, cruel confidence emanating from its body, it smelled the pain it would inflict upon its victim. A low hiss of victory and hunger emerged from the musculous mass. The large indistinct thing straitened. It was at least as big as its opponent, but clearly of superior strength. The smell of fear oozed towards it. Perfect! One bite would finish that pitiful creature. V¬enom burned in its mouth in anticipation. It hissed again. Hkadeh stumbled backwards. His head thumped against the wall’s thick wood. Head throbbing, he dug his mind frantically. Panic hurled thoughts at him, randomly, thrown together like bunches of raisins. Calm! He needed to stay calm and concentrate. Now was when all his talents where to be proven. If he just had time to think. Emptying his head of all thoughts, he tried to forget the situation. First things first. He emptied his mind. Forget the world. His leg burned senses more acute than normal. Forget your body. His sense of touch slipped away from him. Then sound, then vision.

He felt around, his senses in another world. Using his ‘second touch’, Hkadeh pulled forces, weaved together the malleable winds of time. Full of the inner energy, he let himself go. Raw power burned through his body, vibrated in his soul. As his eyes opened, flames erupted from his hands. The creature jerked back in surprise. Fire washed around it licking its skin, carving it’s skin in pure pain. It faltered, then sprang forward aggressively. Hkadeh had already circled around it, again closing his mind to the material world to reach the power. Wrapping forces around his opponent, he pulled. Caught by an invisible constricting power, the creature shrieked. Flying towards the open, it slashed the air desperately with its clawed wings. As it soared over the edge, Hkadeh received the full blow of the giant bat’s wing across the temples. Eyes unfocused, the stars above seemed to dance.

As he gripped rope, he realized his feet where hanging. He blinked, trying to regain his vision. As his sight returned, he assessed the situation. He was dangling from his bridge, pale sleek hands burning as they held on to the rope. He could not hold on much longer. Forcing his mind to calm itself, he returned to the void. He channeled a flow of the living power towards the material world, weaved it around his hands and tightened the force Only half conscious of his environment, he opened his eyes, looked around. Wings spread, yellow eyes fixed on its target, the creature was diving back straight towards him. With no time to think on what to do, Hkadeh reacted instinctively. He released the rope and let himself fall. The creature swooped over him claws striking the air where he had been only a moment ago. Forgetting the past danger, he concentrated on the next. Opening his mind again to the immaterial winds, he formed a cushion of thick air above the ground where his freefall would bring him. He could only hope it would be enough…

* * *

The charred room was empty of life. Nejexze cast a worried glance at the broken stool at the side of the room. The veil of clouds unfurling on the sky was fading towards the west where the dark blue dome seemed to try to resist the sun’s golden blaze. He had told her he was leaving at first light, so there was no reason he would still be here, but the black wood was more than abnormal. What had happened? Hkadeh was so careful with his house, he seemed to feel it was not rightfully his. Why would he have done this? Could he have been attacked? By whom? The odds seemed unlikely, yet no other explanation could be found. She walked towards the heavy chest next to the bed. Half ripped apart, the lock still held, but a gaping hole could be seen. Big enough to tick her head in, the hole seemed to have been caused by a mace. No elfin could have been strong enough to make it, not without the power. But then, the hole would have been different, neater.

Hkadeh was not materialistic, he seemed to hold no possessions, except for the coffer, but she had never known what lay inside. Curiosity seemed to take control of her body. Hand on the side of the hole, she tried to tow the wood apart. Shards dug into her hand. She reflexively pulled off. Sucking her hand, she reached for the state of inner calm. Feeling for the twelve winds, she picked the ones she needed and drew the forces around the wood, tearing the chest apart. Empty. Was there something valuable inside? Was it stolen? She slowly walked back to the bridge. The circle had to see this.​

PS: Tell me if the font's too small

 

[WhiteCrowUK]

Wow - you have a definite gift for description. I'm a bit envious as I'm rubbish at it.

However some of it to me doesn't flow as well as it should. Have you tried reading it aloud to make sure it has a nice rhythm when read? Also although I like your description, I think some of it needs to be pruned back a little in parts, there just seems a lot of it. Kudos to you for being able to clearly see your world, but you don't always have to give over every bit of description to a reader in one go.

 

[Highlander II]

Hkadeh woke with a start. His ruby-red eyes swept his surroundings. The dark room was illuminated by the faint glow of stars hanging above the canopy. The faint radiance, filtered by a lightly covered sky and the forest’s thick curtain of leaves, would not have been sufficient for a human’s eye to catch. However Hkadeh could almost see clearly. Nothing seemed to move. Slipping out of the niche caved inside the wall’s wood that served as a bed, the red-eyed elfin sighed. He was nervous these days, but he couldn’t understand why.

I've only had a moment to swing through and read this first paragraph. It's good, but a couple comments:

* the word 'faint' is used twice too close together in sentences 2 and 3, unless this is deliberate, it sounds repetitive.

* Why is he waking so abruptly? What made him wake up? That first sentence gives a good lead in to some nice opening action, then he just rolls out of bed - which is less action-y. Add some action there and that opening paragraph will rock!

If I get a chance, I'll swing through again and read a bit more... but, for now - work is calling...

Good luck!

 

[Nyx]

Noted, thanks. I'll post when I completed the corrections.

---
Just a question: Do you visually sweep your surroundings or sweep through them? (First paragraph) I had a hard time choosing and am still not sure which one should be used (or which one I should use, does one sound better than the other?)

 

[Highlander II]

Just a question: Do you visually sweep your surroundings or sweep through them? (First paragraph) I had a hard time choosing and am still not sure which one should be used (or which one I should use, does one sound better than the other?)

Typically, I use 'scan' instead of 'sweep', unless I've got military or law enforcement characters working. To me, 'sweep' conveys practiced tactics. If he 'sweeps' the location, he's looking specifically for something (or the lack of something); whereas, if he 'scans', it's generic looking.

If I was writing and using 'sweep', the sentence structure would be short and stilted, like precision movements. But if I use 'scan', the sentences may be longer and more flowing, like someone relaxing on the front porch.

So, in this case, the answer is: grammatically 'sweep your surroundings', but also, decide what the 'emotional' content of the scene is.

Okay - that was a long answer to a simple grammar question. =)

 

[Highlander II]

Reaching little more than half an average man’s height, Hkadeh was probably the tallest elfin in his community. His frail body contrasted with his aggressive eyes reflecting the dim light. Thin straight hair fell like rain pouring behind his shoulders. Splashing water on his face, he moved toward the open air.

I'm running this a paragraph at a time b/c I only have short stints to work on it, but here goes:

This paragraph is a little awkward. It's description of the character, then one single line of action that doesn't fit with the rest.

My suggestion: work the description of the character into the narrative smoothly. It doesn't all have to come up front and all at once. Make the description fit with the action or the narrative. If he looks into a mirror - pick up his hair (color, in need of brushing or laying perfect b/c it always does) and how his eyes look (bright, tired, etc), does he need a shave? Is there muck on his face from a late night squabble the day before?

A lot of emotion and 'setting' can be conveyed through the character description if it is worked in correctly. If the character looks haggard, but is sleeping at home - why didn't he clean up first? The reader can then wonder what happened the night before until the narrator or a character tells him/her.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Thin straight hair fell like rain pouring behind his shoulders.

'fell like rain pouring' can't put my finger on it but it sounds odd. For this to sound right, rain would have to be more like a waterfall which would make it not rain.

'behind his shoulders' over his shoulders perhaps? behind his shoulders suggests the hair is some kind of weird curtain that follows him around

Splashing water on his face, he moved

Is this another reference to the hair or real water.

niche caved inside

should this be carved?

small home from a hundred-pace

pace is an unusual choice of measurement for height

did not say otherwise

'did not require it' is better

fidgeted his night-clothes

with his night clothes

Silence was all his eyes met, stillness all he could hear.

eyes don't see silence and really ears don't hear stillness they don't hear silence

Muscles loosened, his body straightened.

Not easy to do. If you relax you usually go floppy not straight

The gash stung, but he hardly noticed the pain

.

Wait a minute he's noticed the sting already. Try

gash stung but he ignored the pain.

Yellow eyes still fixing the small elfin’s terrorized gaze, slowly approaching, cruel confidence emanating from its body, it smelled the pain it would inflict upon its victim. A low hiss of victory and hunger emerged from the musculous? mass. The large indistinct thing straitened. It was at least as big as its opponent, but clearly of superior strength. The smell of fear oozed towards it. Perfect! One bite would finish that pitiful creature. V¬enom burned in its mouth in anticipation. It hissed again

If this is a quick change in the POV it needs something to indicate it. Also you are mixing senses again with it smelled the pain (which you do a lot of)

like bunches of raisins.

raisins don't come in bunches they come in handfuls maybe

Now was when all his talents where to be proven

were to be proven.

Also how many 'tenses' are in that phrase.

How about

This would be a test for his talents. - Not the best but short notice and all.

Then sound, then vision

vision is the easiest to lose you just shut you eyes. Sound is the hardest. It's believed that hearing is the last sense to go as your dying. You may still hear what people say after your heart has stopped which is why you should remain quiet long after a person has passed away.

"Well thank god for that and good riddance, He was a real ba****rd"

is perhaps not the last thing you want to take to St. Peter.

I'll finish there, if you wish me to continue please ask.

Cheers