Conveying emotion in a flashback/monologue

[Mourning Star]

I have a character telling a story to another character. The story is very emotional, very dramatic, but I am having trouble conveying that. In my current format the character just tells what happened first person without any narrative breaks. The story she is telling is of a recent traumatic experience, but it is coming out very detached, emotionally flat.

I'm thinking I may need to add some narrative breaks to describe her body language and give her some pauses to collect herself before moving on, things like that.

Any advice would be appreciated. If I can't figure anything out I guess I will go to the library and grab some of the 'classics' and see if I can learn from example there.

Thanks.

 

[Aorrowan]

I first must preclude my answer with a disclaimer -- i by no means claim to be an expert of any sort on this!

But for me, i think emotion is built by the same old thing you hear day in and day out, 'show and not tell.' You need to demonstrate the person's emotion in their actions as they speak the words.

For example:
"And that is how they ran over my cat," she said.
Not very emotional. You don't really care if the cat is dead or alive (unless you're an animal rights activist, in which case...yikes...stop reading! I like cats! Really!)

But if you say something like:
"And that," she said brokenly, slowly raising her hand to brush away a crystalline tear that had formed at the corner of one eye, "is how they ran over my cat."

OK, so i admit, not a literary masterpiece (what do you expect after 15 hours of work today?!), in fact, i'm considering deleting this now...i see that i have broken so many of my own writing rules in that one horrid sentence...but hopefully it does illustrate my point...actions speak louder than words.

Cheers

 

[Mourning Star]

Yeah, I had recognized that I was telling, which isn't always a bad thing but is a poor vehicle for emotion. Problem is I am finding it tricky to have a character "show" something through a verbal retelling.

Also, I've never written in the first person or with a female viewpoint character (rest of the story is with a male viewpoint character).

So I am really running into at least three new techniques that are outside my previous experience. I am really enjoying the challenge though, I know I'll figure it out and be a better writer for it when I do.

 

[crystal haven]

I am learning myself, but these are my thoughts, which might help a bit. I write in first person, most of the time, and I think it helps if you get into the character's head - give us her feelings from the inside. Also, the actions of the character during dialogue does make a big difference. I'm no expert though.

So perhaps, something like;

I thought it would be easy, to explain. I trusted him, I should not be afraid. The pain had been buried deep within myself, hidden, and I was in control. But as I began to recall this part of my life, the fear engulfed me like a wave, just as if I was there again. My mind dragged me back and even though I tried to speak calmly my voice shook.


I don't know the character or the world, but this is a way of getting a reader to feel the pain. Not brilliant, I know. Just to give you an idea.

 

[flynx]

A lot can depend on your choice of words (look at Flowers For Algernon)

To take Aorrowan's example:

"And that is how they ran over my cat," she said.

Notwithstanding Aorr's advice (which was good) changing a a few of the words can also deliver an emotional content to the girl's thoughts.

"And that... is how those monsters murdered Missy, my lovely cat."

This works even if it was a pure accident that the cat was run over. Which means that you can even show when telling.

 

[Malloriel]

Yeah, I had recognized that I was telling, which isn't always a bad thing but is a poor vehicle for emotion. Problem is I am finding it tricky to have a character "show" something through a verbal retelling.

Also, I've never written in the first person or with a female viewpoint character (rest of the story is with a male viewpoint character).

So I am really running into at least three new techniques that are outside my previous experience. I am really enjoying the challenge though, I know I'll figure it out and be a better writer for it when I do.

I'm trying my hand at writing in the first person for the first time as well. I'd love to tell it in my usual third person limited, but the opening wrote itself and insisted, so that's the route I'm going. It means I'm just learning as well, though through trial and error. Taking a step back to see if what I want to have said is being said well for the style, and so forth. I believe, though, that if you're telling a story in first person, that there is a certain amount of telling that is absolutely inherent. Unavoidable. You can't change it, because it's how we as human beings recount stories to each other, and that must be observed, however, you ARE the character. She will still be thinking and feeling as she tells the tale, and that's where you slip in the little breaks. Her heart flipping as she gets to a certain part, her breath catching as the memory surfaces, just as vivid as the moment it happened before, sweating, crying, shaking, forcing herself to continue despite the call of the memory. You're not just IN her head, you ARE her now. No one telling even the most bland experience of the day will have no other thought in their head. What if they're asked what the customer wore? They've got to pull up the memory to find the answer.

My opening attempt is in the Critiques somewhere. Looks like it was eaten in the Great Crash of '08, so I reposted it. It's at the top for now, but you can also find it here --> http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/47769-seleanas-song-opening.html#post1194031. It's tiny at the moment, and I've got to be heading out now, so it's all I can provide, but I not only hope that it ends up coming across well, but that it might perhaps help you in how you approach your own first person tale, assuming I've accomplished a style worth taking into account.