Chapter 1 : The Pilgrim

[goldhawk]

[Author's note] I must have rewritten the first paragraph at least a dozen times now and it still doesn't sound right. Indeed, the whole opening sequence seems awkward to me. But I have gone over it so many times that every change I make seems to make things worst. I feel that my brain has gone numb, so it's time to get another's opinion. Please note that this is only the opening sequence of the first chapter. Every time I try to write past it, my mind keeps returning to it. So I'm posting only it for your comments.

Chapter 1 : The Pilgrim

The setting sun shone blood-red on seven horses thundering
down a lane. On them rode five men and a boy; three men up
front, two in the rear. In the middle rode the boy leading
the last horse. On it was another man, wounded and tied to
his saddle. Ahead of them was a stone wall with an archway
and its iron gate open. When they reached it, the rearguard
stopped and dismounted. They drew their swords and watched
the way they came. The rest continued on to a low building
with a bell tower. One man rushed to the door and started
pounding on it. The others helped the wounded man off. By
the time they got him to the door, a monk had answered it.
They disappeared inside. The boy gathered the reins of the
horses and walked them to cool them down. The men at the
archway never took their eyes off the road.

"Why did you bring him here?" asked the monk, Brother James.

"There was nowhere else to go," their leader, the Primus
answered. "Father Paul would want him here."

"But this is the first place they'll look."

"Then you had better hide him well."

"Here, this is the infirmary. Put him here. I'll go fetch
the Father."

"Ach, he bleeds again. You were too rough," said one of the
men.

"We have little time. Find more bandages," said the Primus.

One man rummaged through the cupboards while the other two
gently placed the bleeding man on a bed. When they were
wrapping bandages around the patient, Brother James returned
with the Father.

"Mon Dieu. What happened?" asked the Father.

"We lost," one said grimly.

"They broke through our lines and stormed our position. We
fought them off but the Dux was wounded. We grabbed some
horses and fled. All our men were routed," said the Primus.

"We were lucky to get away at all," said the third.

"You have to hide him," said the Primus. "He cannot go any
further. It would kill him."

"Yes," said the Father. "But he can't stay here. Pick up
the mattress and bring him. I'll show you where to hide
him."

The men picked up the Dux and followed the Father. He lead
them down the stairs to the cellar. He stopped in front of
one of the large vats used in wine-making and turned the
spigot upside down. There was a click and the front of vat
open like a door; a short tunnel lead to a small room. In
it was a cot, a chest and a single chair. There were no
windows.

"Here," said the Father. "Put him on the bed."

When they placed him on the bed, the Primus turned to the
Father. "We must leave now."

"Now? But you are tired and your horses need rest."

"Can't. We need to lead any that follow away. We'll leave
the boy, Gladius."

"Gladius? A sword?"

"Yes, the Dux named him that. He didn't want the boy's real
name known...in case ill befell him. Turns out he was
right."

The Father followed the men out of the tunnel. He started
to close the front of the vat but with one look at the mud
and blood on the floor he stopped. "No sense in closing the
door if your tracks lead right to it. We'll have to clean
up." They went up stairs. Outside they called to the boy.

"Gladius, come here," said the Primus. "You are to stay
with the Dux. Take care of him."

"Won't you wait for us to pack you some supplies?" asked the
Father. "It doesn't seem right for you to leave right
away."

"The sooner we are gone the better. Bless us, Father." The
men knelt.

"May the Lord be with you,
May He guide and protect you,
May He watch over you and see you safely home,
May almighty God bless you,
the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit."

"Amen," they all said. The men mounted and rode out. They
paused at the gate for the other two and rode away down the
lane.

The Father looked at the boy. "Come, Gladius. I'll show
you to the Dux."

Inside the Dux' room : "Stay here," said the Father. "Do
not come out for any reason. There is a chamber pot under
the bed in case you have to go. After sunset, someone will
bring you supper and we'll talk."

The boy nodded. The Father went to the door and just before
he shut it said, "Remember be quiet and don't come out." He
close the door sealing the boy in with the wounded man.

 

[HareBrain]

Well Goldhawk, no one will ever accuse you of verbosity

Actually, I loved the spareness of this, it's very refreshing, though I think there are a couple of times when just a little extra information, or a little variation in the machine-gun-fire sentence structure would improve it. But the only real problem I had was, you won't be surprised, with your first paragraph.

The setting sun shone blood-red on seven horses thundering down a lane. On them rode five men and a boy; three men up front, two in the rear. In the middle rode the boy leading
the last horse. On it was another man, wounded and tied to
his saddle.

The problem you have here is to get across in words, which have a time component (you have to read them one after another) what you want the reader to see in their mind as an instantaneous picture. Because you're trying to get across so much, maybe you should leave out the setting sun bit. In fact, would this work as a start:

Three men rode in front, two in the rear. In the middle rode the boy, leading the seventh horse on which lay another man, wounded and tied to the saddle.

Now we've got that picture, maybe introduce the sunset:

The setting sun tinted them with bood as they thundered down the lane towards a stone wall, the iron gate in its archway open.

I think then, you need to mention that the others ride through before mentioning that the rearguard stops, otherwise it reads as though they have dismounted and drawn their swords before the others have even gone through.

Five rode through; the rearguard stopped in front of the gateway and dismounted. They drew their swords and watched the way they came.

Then ok, until:

By the time they got him to the door, a monk had answered it.
They disappeared inside. The boy gathered the reins of the
horses and walked them to cool them down. The men at the
archway never took their eyes off the road.

I would take out "it" at the end of the first line. Also, I would suggest replacing "they disappeared inside" with "he let them inside" - disappeared suggests that someone is watching - but who? (Though it is a god's eye POV, as you then jump to the boy and the men at the gate.)

Needless to say, this is only a suggestion of an example of what I think would work. Hope it helps - and would be interested to see more. (I might critique the rest of this excerpt later but it doesn't need much)

 

[Boneman]

Ye, let's hear it for West Sussex.....

Hmm, opening paragraph, ok. Firstly, is it supposed to be stilted writing, is that the way the story goes? They've lost the battle, Dux is wounded, there's somebody on their tales who'll kill them, but the only verb,adverb,adjective any word that suggests urgency is 'Thundering' as in seven horses thundering down a lane.

It all seems so emotionless, so detached.

the rearguard stopped and dismounted. No they didn't, they leaped off their horses before they'd even stopped, their hearts hammering, breathing heavily, tension written all over them.

They drew their swords and watched the way they came. Apart from the fact that I could ask 'watched the way WHO came?' they didn't do this either. They dashed to whatever cover they could find, and concealed themselves staring back down the road intensely, wiping the sweat from their eyes. Oh yeah, thundering down a lane: Even the word lane suggests a tranquil, leafy avenue with green grass underfoot. Didn't they thunder down the dirt track raising a dust cloud that coated them all?

The others helped the wounded man off. By the time they got him to the door, a monk had answered it. I'm not sure how badly the man is wounded, but I'm certain they hauled him frantically from his horse, maybe even struggling with the ropes that bound him to the saddle, cursing, and using a sword to cut through them in their haste. And those souless short sentences again. It's like one of the threads where each poster writesd a line of the story.

Wouldn't The others helped the wounded man off. By the time they got him to the door, a monk had answered it be better as:

They frantically dragged the wounded man from his horse, cutting through the ropes that held him, cursing. As they rushed him across the courtyard, the door was answered by a monk and they brushed him aside, carrying their inert comrade into the building.

Who knows? But at least it's got urgency......

The boy gathered the reins of thehorses and walked them to cool them down. The men at the archway never took their eyes off the road

I bow to superior equestrain knowledge, but will walking cool them down? Shouldn't the boy have to catch all the horses (no mean feat, seven horses all by the reins, and the horses are twitching, agitated) and be watering them? Maybe one of the (now) hidden guards shouts angrily at him to do it, the boy is frozen in stasis by his fear?

I think you see what I'm getting at.... more urgency, action, speed, hustle and bustle, fear, anxiety - all the things that the opening paragraph lacked.

 

[HareBrain]

It all seems so emotionless, so detached.

the rearguard stopped and dismounted. No they didn't, they leaped off their horses before they'd even stopped, their hearts hammering, breathing heavily, tension written all over them.

This is really interesting (for me anyway ). Boneman is quite right, but I assume, Goldhawk, that you have chosen this emotionless detached style for a reason. And I think it works. Like I said, it's refreshingly different. It feels quite French for some reason, maybe it reminds me of Camus - certainly it feels intellectual rather than emotional. Spareness of prose is pretty rare in fantasy, and if it's your natural style then you should keep it.

But if thirteen people tell you it doesn't work, and I'm the only one who thinks it does, you might want to rethink.

 

[goldhawk]

I want to thank everyone who responded with their comments. They gave me a lot to think about. I have some new ideas on how to proceed but I'm going to try a little experimenting first.

Yes, HareBrain the setting is Burgundy, France but it's supposed to be in the late 5th century just after the collapse of Rome. This part of France won't be conquered by the Franks until at least 30 years later. Father Paul won't be speaking any from of French; he'd be speaking Latin. It's all right I guess since even Old English won't be spoken for another 500 years.

One of the problems I think it has is that there is no protagonist. The Dux is the protagonist for the main story but since he is unconscious for this part, the narration does seems detached. One of the experiments I want to try is to have the Primus as the protagonist for this sequence. Perhaps this will add more depth and emotion.

 

[chrispenycate]

The pedant comes in;

There was a click and the front of vat
open like a door; a short tunnel lead to a small room.

The vat needs an article (probably "the") and it's "led" not "lead"

I got the date pretty well, and that means the horsemen would have dismounted, as you said; they're veterans in half armour, not Hollywood cowboys, and they've been fighting; you don't gain anything from getting a sprained ankle leaping spectacularly from your mount, and they knew pursuit was not seconds behind.

And the Gladius was by then an antique weapon. (and if you put horseshoes or, above all, stirrups on your mounts I'll call you on it)

I don't know if you can clain Bourgogne as part of France, even if France didn't exist at that time; oh, never mind. I know, you're talking about present day geography, and nobady (certainly not me) is going to know regional names back then, defined by Gallic tribes.

 

[2ndchance]

Hi,
I will keep this short; the first opening reminds me of being at school, I half expected a question to follow, something like; so how much did two apples cost. Hope you understand what I mean.

The next bit, as someone else suggested is a bit machine gun, boom boom etc, it's a little out of breath!

Overall good story line, just I feel you need to slow it a little

Another point someone made was the only urgency to the situation was the word thundering!

Hey it is only my humble opinion.

May I suggest something that worked for me; open up a new document and start the begining again rather than editing the original, this way it lifts the restrictions under which you write. By editing the original you have started with needing 7 horses and a sunset. Sunset fine, 7 horses fine, but do we need to know so much detail so quickly, just one of the people are wounded? The rest we will assume, or you can tell us later, including I guess that someone has died hence an empty horse?
I like to pitch question and sometimes not answer them for 2 or 3 chapters, keeps the reader on their toes.

Sincerley hope this helps in some small way

Regards Steve

 

[goldhawk]

The pedant comes in;

The vat needs an article (probably "the") and it's "led" not "lead"

Oops , obviously I wasn't paying attention to what I was writing.

I got the date pretty well, and that means the horsemen would have dismounted, as you said; they're veterans in half armour, not Hollywood cowboys, and they've been fighting; you don't gain anything from getting a sprained ankle leaping spectacularly from your mount, and they knew pursuit was not seconds behind.

And the Gladius was by then an antique weapon. (and if you put horseshoes or, above all, stirrups on your mounts I'll call you on it)

I have yet track down the dates when all the terms were used. Finding out that gladius was an antique by then is serendipity. At one point Father Paul says, "Gladius? A sword?" If he was speaking Latin, this would translate to, "Sword? A sword?" which wouldn't make sense. Such are the problems when using more than one language.

I knew they didn't have stirrups yet but I totally forgot about horseshoes. As I said, I need to look up more dates.

I don't know if you can clain Bourgogne as part of France, even if France didn't exist at that time; oh, never mind. I know, you're talking about present day geography, and nobady (certainly not me) is going to know regional names back then, defined by Gallic tribes.

I sure lots of the place names were Gallic; that would be one part of the language that would survive, though not necessarily with their original meanings. After all, Canada is a Huron word meaning village.

 

[goldhawk]

Hi,
I will keep this short; the first opening reminds me of being at school, I half expected a question to follow, something like; so how much did two apples cost. Hope you understand what I mean.

The next bit, as someone else suggested is a bit machine gun, boom boom etc, it's a little out of breath!

Overall good story line, just I feel you need to slow it a little

Oh, definitely.

Another point someone made was the only urgency to the situation was the word thundering!

The men would be gravely concern and their fear would make the situation seems more urgent. I have to add more anxiety to them.

Hey it is only my humble opinion.

May I suggest something that worked for me; open up a new document and start the begining again rather than editing the original, this way it lifts the restrictions under which you write. By editing the original you have started with needing 7 horses and a sunset. Sunset fine, 7 horses fine, but do we need to know so much detail so quickly, just one of the people are wounded? The rest we will assume, or you can tell us later, including I guess that someone has died hence an empty horse?
I like to pitch question and sometimes not answer them for 2 or 3 chapters, keeps the reader on their toes.

Sincerley hope this helps in some small way

Regards Steve

I believe that a story should stand on its own. I like to avoid large infodumps but I think I can fill an appendix with this battle alone.

The Dux would fight Roman style. He would choose a hill near the battlefield for his command. With him would be his staff officers, his bodyguard, and some lads as messengers. The messengers would be the ones with horses. Gladius would normally be a messenger but the Dux would hold him back if his father is a very important man or closely related to the Dux (I not telling which).

His bodyguard would be 20 men: 4 files for 5 men. These would be the best fighters in his army. Of them, one file would be First File, the best of the best. I was trying to find what the Roman would call their file leaders but then it struck me. They would call them simply primus, first. The Primus would be the file leader of the First File, roughly a sergeant major in today's army. It would be the First File's job to get the Dux out of trouble. The rest of his bodyguard would be expected to fight a delaying action. That's why there is only five of them and why they are relatively unwounded. And yes, they would be better fighters than the Dux.

 

[The Judge]

I know you've re-written the opening paragraph, so I won't touch on the one here - if I have time I might go across to your later post and look at the new one.

I've got a few nit-picky comments:

1. Introducing Brother James by name. Bringing in his identity in the way you did seemed, to me, to take the focus away from the others unnecessarily, even slowing the action a little. I wonder if it might work better if he remained an anonymous monk. If he's important in later chapters and you need him identified here, why not get Father Paul to refer to him by name when speaking to him? That would be more natural.

2. I understand why you're giving the title 'Primus' to the chief guard, but apart from bringing in memories of primus stoves aren't I right in thinking it was actually a boy's name in Rome? (I definitely remember there being Seconduses and Tertiuses from my classical studies.) So would they really have used it as a title? I know you are differentiating by using 'the' but Latin doesn't have a definite article does it? (I'm very ready to stand corrected on this - I had to do classical studies because my attempts at Latin 'O' -level were doomed to failure!) Anyway, why don't you just translate it and call him 'the First'? They might be talking Latin or some bastardised variant, but we're not.

3. I have problems with 'the Dux' too. I know it means leader but when I read it I don't see a strapping male on horseback but a couple of small yellow plastic creatures with bright orange bills floating in my bath.

4. 'Mon Dieu'. Would a deeply religious person at that time have used the Lord's name in this way? More to the point, why have you got him speaking French? If this was set in Wales and you were showing Father Paul's foreignness it would be understandable - but you confirm this is taking place in what will be France. Yet you haven't given French idioms to anyone else, and presumably the guards are more likely to be speaking whatever local language there is.

5. Referring to 'the Father'. Again I'm happy to stand corrected, but I'd have thought they would refer to him always as Father Paul or simply Father. After all, it isn't a job description like sacristan or prior.

6. You have the infirmary on the ground floor of a building right next to the main gate with the wine cellars immediately below it. Is that a genuine layout of a 5th century monastery you're copying? It sounds odd to me. If they had a separate infirmary (ie the monks weren't just treated in their own beds), wouldn't it be sited somewhere quiet and away from the bustle of the gate? And the cellars are surely more likely to be located in the refectory building, since they would be used for storing food etc. And high stone walls? And an iron gate - not a thick wooden one?

7. Why is there a convenient room improbably concealed behind a huge wine vat? Why is it furnished with all the necessities for hiding one or two people but not more? The builders of the monastery must have gone to a lot of trouble to build an extra room in the cellar (which is presumably underground so I think telling us it has no windows is a little redundant) - it isn't like throwing out another room at the side of the house. And why is there a passage leading to it? That simply creates work for the builders without adding anything by way of security. I know you need the room because you need somewhere to hide the Dux but there has to be a reason within the logic of the story for it to be there. To me this immediately started flashing MELODRAMA!!! And the people chasing the Dux are going to go to the vat and will be suspicious and they will turn the spigot and everyone will hold their breath... and out will come wine!! (Incidentally - those kinds of vats surely store wine - they're not actually used in wine-making are they?) Sorry, but the secret room, the huge vat on its side, the door swinging open - it sounds so hackneyed and I think you're a better writer than that.

Priestholes in English country houses were created for a very specific purpose - to hide Catholic priests or supporters whose presence was prohibited by the state and who would be executed if found. But they were created within the thickness of walls, or by closing off redundant staircases, or by moving the panelling to create a false wall. And they were usually tiny affairs. By all means create something if you honestly think the original builders or a subsequent abbot saw the need for such a room, but work on the entrance to it. Alternatively, have them create a hidden room now, hurriedly, by having a lower level storeroom served by a trapdoor which can be hidden by putting a heavy piece of furniture on top of it. Or hide the two of them another way - inside the church, under the altar (would they have altars in those days?) And for goodness sake, don't give them a chamber pot - when food is brought to them, they can have a bucket with a cloth over it.

8. Father Paul being surprised at the Primus wanting to leave - he'd want the whole lot of them gone, and quickly. If he's gone to the trouble of putting the Dux in this secret room at once, instead of tending to him in the infirmary, what's the point of having the rest of them hang around?

9. Why is there blood outside the vat? The Dux has been taken down on the mattress which would have soaked up the blood from his wounds. Are the others injured? I don't remember reading about that. And where has the mud come from? You don't mention the weather. Has it been raining? Or is it the blood turning the soil to mud? In which case the Dux would have had to be haemorrhaging.

10. Why, having said there is no point closing the vat door until the mud and blood is cleaned up, does the abbot then close it after shoving the boy inside? Has someone cleaned up? If so, when and who?

11. I'm confused about the Dux's injuries. He's obviously unconscious - but is that because of a head injury, or through loss of blood? Or shock? Someone is blamed for being too rough so he starts bleeding again - but this implies the bleeding stopped at some point. How? They've just ridden hell for leather from the battlefield - if the man was bleeding when they put him on the horse, the furious pace and the continual jolting etc would surely have acted to keep the wounds open. The Primus refers to 'more' bandages. Are you saying they found the time to stop once already to put makeshift bandages on him to stop the bleeding? (I can't believe they'd have been carrying proper ones.) That's fine if the injuries were relatively minor - but in that case, why the anxiety about him? And how was he injured? The enemy got close enough to get swords to him?? A lucky arrow? In which case the thing would have to be removed at some stage - but in itself that would be dangerous as the point would have to be pushed through the body. And if he's so badly injured his lfe is at risk if they continue with him on the horse, why is he simply shoved in a room with nothing approaching medical attention? The monks might not have ER techniques, but they would have people who knew something of herbs and the proper binding of wounds to prevent gangrene.

12. And where are all the other monks? There's no one in the infirmary, neither tending nor being tended, no one at the gate (and I think someone in your later post points out it would probably have been locked against the soldiers), no one crossing the yard or gawping at all these blood-stained men suddenly appearing. It's like a desert. The sun is setting - have you checked the canonical hours? Would they have been at a service? If so, the abbot having been dragged out by Brother James, wouldn't the rest have followed? And the monastery itself - is it built in the middle of nowhere? Are there really no nosy villagers about, who would have seen more men enter than come out again?

Sorry. This has gone on longer than it should have done - I tend to get carried away when I do this. If it's any consolation I only critique work that I like. And please don't take anything I've said to heart - I think you've got the beginnings of something good, but it occurs to me it could be even better. It worries me though that you say you have a fixation with getting the first paragraph right - it's almost as if this is taking up all your energy when you should instead be thinking about the background elements of the story. HareBrain mentioned Camus. I don't know if you've ever read La Peste, but there's a character in that who wants to be a writer but he can't get beyond the first line. He keeps writing and re-writing it, altering a word here, a word there, and literally nothing else is ever produced. I keep that image in my mind every time I fret about a wrong sentence.

Good luck. I won't go onto your other, later, posting tonight. You'll have had enough of me for one day! (One lifetime probably!)

J

 

[goldhawk]

2. I understand why you're giving the title 'Primus' to the chief guard, but apart from bringing in memories of primus stoves aren't I right in thinking it was actually a boy's name in Rome? (I definitely remember there being Seconduses and Tertiuses from my classical studies.) So would they really have used it as a title? I know you are differentiating by using 'the' but Latin doesn't have a definite article does it? (I'm very ready to stand corrected on this - I had to do classical studies because my attempts at Latin 'O' -level were doomed to failure!) Anyway, why don't you just translate it and call him 'the First'? They might be talking Latin or some bastardised variant, but we're not.

The Romans use to name all their children after their father. If the father was Octavius, his first-born son would be primus Octavius, the next secundus Octavius, then trientanus Octavius, and the first-born daughter, primia Octavia, then secundia Octavia, etc. I don't know what the Romans would called the file leader but something like primus locus seems right. So I shall exercise creative license and make it so.

But you are right, I shouldn't mix languages the way I do. But I do want to create an atmosphere so readers will realize that this is not a typical medieval fantasy.

 

[The Judge]

Thanks for taking my critiqueing in the spirit in which it was given.

When I first read that this was 5th century France, I assumed you were doing a variant of the Arthur legends. If that isn't the case, then let the historical bit go hang - invent languages and titles and monastery layouts - and have a whale of a time doing it!

J

PS Since you aren't (apparently!) spitting bullets at me yet, I think I'll go across and have a look at that new opening paragraph...