Chapter 1 : The Pilgrim (rewrite)

[goldhawk]

[Author's note] If you had read my last post, you would know I was not satisfied with the first paragraph. So this post contains only it. I would like to thank those who contributed comments and suggestions for the changes.

Chapter 1 : The Pilgrim

The setting sun shone a warm, hearth-fire red across the
peaceful countryside and on a tranquil lane. Down it
thundered horses, the sweat glistening on their sides.
Their riders were grimly determined to reach their goal at
all costs. In the middle of the pack rode a boy leading the
last horse. On it was a man, wounded and tied to the
saddle. Ahead of them was a stone wall with an archway
above an iron gate. When they reached the gate, the last
two men stopped and dismounted. The rest didn't even
hesitate as they rode through the open gate and to a low
building with a bell tower. There they stopped and
dismounted. One man ran to the door and pounded on it. The
others frantically hauled the wounded man down, cutting the
ropes that held him in place. The horses stood, legs
splayed, heads hung low, glad for the break. By the time
they got him to the door, a monk had answered and let them
in. The boy gathered the reins of the horses and walked
them to cool them down. The men at the archway never took
their eyes off the road.

 

[Boneman]

Goldhawk, how do YOU feel about this, any happier? It's certainly got the pace now, and I only have one intsy-wintsy nitpick, as I think it's almost there.

When they reached the gate, the last
two men stopped and dismounted

There they stopped and
dismounted.

It's just the repetition so close to each other. In the second one, whatif: they reined in and dismounted or they reined in leapt down?

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

[Author's note] If you had read my last post, you would know I was not satisfied with the first paragraph. So this post contains only it. I would like to thank those who contributed comments and suggestions for the changes.

Chapter 1 : The Pilgrim

The setting sun shone a warm, hearth-fire red across the
peaceful countryside and on a tranquil lane. ( the problem I have with this is we are expecting a warmth simile and it turns into a colour. I think it might be better as - The setting sun shone a hearth fire red warmth on the peaceful countryside...) Down it
thundered horses, the sweat glistening on their sides. (bodies)
Their riders were grimly determined to reach their goal at
all costs. In the middle of the pack rode a boy leading the
last horse. (leading the last horse from the middle isn't easy also if you're dragging a laden horse at a breakneck pace it's not going to be much use for anything afterwards) On it was a man, wounded and tied to the saddle. Ahead of them was a stone wall with an archway above an iron gate. When they reached the gate, the last two men stopped and dismounted. The rest didn't even hesitate (the juxtaposition of events is wrong. You should describe the majority speeding through the gate and then what the last two did. This way your putting the cart before the horse and why did the last two stop - to relieve themselves or was it perhaps to close the gate - You've singledtwo of them out, don't just leave them hanging there for no reason) as they rode through the open gate and to a low
building with a bell tower. (We later discover it's a monastary not normally a low building. Why not describe it as a monastary. Also, as such, it's unlikely the gate would be left unnatended and open. Monastaries where usually strict about who was allowed to enter the grounds) There they stopped and
dismounted. One man ran to the door and pounded on it. The
others frantically hauled the wounded man down, cutting the
ropes that held him in place (again wrong way round cut the rope and then drag him down and surely not everyone else did this - is this a lynching party or an organised group of determined people. one man ran to the door and two others get the man the rest tend to their horses and equipment - theres no need to be frantic). The horses stood, legs splayed, (? en mass? most horses left alone will amble about sniffing each oher unless they have been tied to a rail or something) heads hung low, glad for the break. By the time they (who) got him to the door, a monk had answered and let them in (what just like that, no questions no protests no recognition, twenty unexpected thugs turn up at your door dragging some poor unfortunate and you don't even ask what the **** they want). The boy gathered the reins of the horses and walked them to cool them down. The men at the archway never took their eyes off the road (unlikely they would have been looking in every direction, especially if this is the open countrside you started in).

Sorry I missed the original for some reason. For what it's worth I've thrown in my six peneth. I hope this isn't to picky. Keep up the good work. It certainly seem to have potential for a fast paced tale.

 

[The Judge]

I can see what you're trying to do with your opening line - it's like in a film, with a bucolic scene, birds tweeting etc etc, suddenly shattered (sorry about the dreadful alliteration - can't think of anything better at the moment) by horses' hooves splashing (hell - more of the damn stuff) through a puddle and then you see the backs of the riders as they race up to the gate. Unfortunately, I don't think it works.

I'm not sure why it seems wrong. And I'm a big one for doing this build up of atmosphere and then turning it round, so I'm happy enough with the technique. Do you need another line or two to establish the peace before shattering it? Should you put the thundering horses into a new paragraph? Sorry - just making more work for you trying different ideas after telling you to ignore this para and get on with the plot!

I have to say that Harebrain's re-worked opening in the earlier post struck me as more dynamic when he gets straight to the horsemen - so many in front so many behind. If I were you, I think I'd adopt that line and proceed as he suggested and see if that reads any better to you. I think I'd also lose the grimly determined sentence - it doesn't add anything.

Right. The two men dismounting. Why? They know they're not going to be staying more than a minute or two - that's not going to give the horses any rest, but it will slow them down re-mounting again. Plus why are they left at the gate? They are the Primus' (it does sound like a damn stove!!) early warning system. I've no idea of the topography of the area, but they need to be in a position where they can see the baddies coming from as far away as possible. If they can see a long way from the gate - then the reverse is true - the baddies will be able to see them at the gate from a long way away - which I don't imagine is what you want. Plus, if the baddies do appear, they might have to go out to confront them to allow the others to make their escape - they would need to be mounted to do that or at least have the horses to hand, not walking around the inside of the monastery.

If I were the Primus (military expert that I am, hah, hah!) I'd have left them either a half-mile back along the road, with another guy at the gate keeping an eye on their signals, or sent them up to an outcrop of rock where they can see the open countryside below them without being seen so easily themselves. Either way, they keep their horses. You need to know what kind of area this is and where the monastery has been built (and if it's in the middle of nowhere or up a mountain why it has been built there since you are making both the construction work and everyday life difficult for no good reason otherwise). Then decide how best to place your sentries. And the Primus presumably knows this area so he'll have worked out his dispositions in advance.

Also, the Primus wants to throw the baddies off the scent. He knows they will suspect the Dux is being taken there (Brother James says it's the first place they'll look) - and he can't rely on the monks having a secret hidey-hole in the wine cellar. So he's got to have a plan to bring as little suspicion on the monastery as possible. If the area outside the gates is muddy and/or the horses' entry into the gates of the monastery is obvious - then the baddies won't leave until they've taken the place apart. He needs to fool them. Off the top of my head, Father Paul would need to tell the baddies that the Dux and his men arrived but that he, Father Paul, refused admittance to any of them, so the soldiers had to take the Dux away with them again. Therefore, the Primus has to make it look like this is what has happened. The horses and soldiers would all have to remain outside, so no tracks inside the monastery grounds of any kind from them (hmm - how to get the Dux and the boy inside - over the wall?); Father Paul would have to be instructed as to what to say; and the Primus would have to leave physical evidence of his displeasure at his leader being denied sanctuary - Brother James being beaten up perhaps (yes please - there's something I don't like about the man!).

The action would therefore all take place at the gate. Taking the Dux to whatever safe place you devise can then be done by the monks - if you show it through the boy's eyes, this will allow you to describe what to the monks would seem familiar but which to him is strange.

Hope this helps. As before, ignore what you don't like!

J

 

[goldhawk]

What I want to do is write a story without a large infodump at the beginning. I'm beginning to see that something has to be there since people's expectations are very different from the reality of the times. Even if it's something as simple as stating that exhausted horses won't wander around. They would just stand there and breath, at least until their breathing returns to normal.

At the time of the story, Christianity had been the official religion of Rome for less than 200 years. The Church simply did not have the assets to create monasteries so far from Rome; it would have to have a patron, the Dux' family, to establish it in the first place. Every monk there would know the Dux on sight.

Well, I could go on and on but most of what happens is reasonable for the times. I will admit that the underground hidey-hole is a contrivance and I'll have to think of something else. I don't want an infodump and I don't want my characters explaining their reasons since everyone there already know the reasons. I'm just not sure how to solve this problem.

 

[The Judge]

I do understand what you mean about info-dump - and it's my fault for not explaining properly. I didn't mean that you have to set out all the details of the monastery - why it was there, who built it etc etc - just that you have to know those details. Same with the topography - no need to talk at length about it, but you need to know whether it's on a flat plain, slightly hilly, mountainous etc and make your dispositions accordingly. Then all you need is an odd word in the action sequences to give a flavour of it to the reader. After all, we need to imagine this world you are creating. Jane Austen can get away without having to describe Bath because her readers would have known it for themselves. I've no idea what the Burgundy region of France is like, nor how monasteries in the 5th century worked. You do - and you need to help me out a little so that I can see the area and buildings. Not all in the opening paragraph obviously!! But leave it too late and I might get disgruntled when my fantasy of some kind of Tibetan temple perched on a cliff face is in fact a couple of thatched hovels in the middle of a cornfield!

Again, I agree you don't want people explaining themselves left, right and centre. But eg giving a sharp order - leaving the reader to work out for him/herself the reason for the order - is enough. For instance you've not told us why the Dux is being taken to the monastery - and we're quite happy to go along with that at this stage - we don't need it explained (yet), any more than we need excessive detail about the battle they've just come from - it's enough for you to have told us in dialogue there was a battle and the Dux's side came off worse. That was well done. Exactly the kind of thing I meant for the rest.

Sorry again if my wittering is depressing you. I don't mean it to. And no one else is saying these things - so perhaps it's just me! Persevere until you're happy with it.

J