Chapter 1 : The Pilgrim (another rewrite)

[goldhawk]

[Author's note] One more time. This time I'm much happier with it. I think the problem was that I wasn't paying enough attention to where and when the story took place. I have also decided on the next part, so this will be the last posting of this part.

Chapter 1 : The Pilgrim

The horses came thundering down the road. Their bodies were
covered with sweat, their riders with splattered blood. The
two rear riders kept looking over their shoulders checking
for pursuers. In the middle of the pack a boy led a horse
with an unconscious rider, wounded and tied to his saddle.
Ahead lay an isolated villa that had been converted to a
monastery. Its stone wall and ornate metal gate were built
in more peaceful times and hardly a defence for the troubles
that now plague Rome. And as though its inhabitants didn't
know they were living in dangerous times, the gate was left
open, an invitation to those troubles. Just inside the gate
the rear riders stopped and dismounted. Their exhausted
horses stood there, breathing hard, too tired to move.
Closing the gate they took up watch. The others stopped in
front of the main building. One man, their leader,
dismounted and ran to the building. He burst through the
door and disappeared inside. The boy cut the wounded man
free and the two remaining men helped lower him down. They
lifted him carefully and approached the building. Just as
they reached the door their leader returned with a monk.

"Why did you bring him here?" asked the monk.

"There was nowhere else to go," answered the leader.
"Father Paul would want him here."

"But this is the first place they'll look."

"Then you had better hide him well."

"This way to the infirmary, it's in the back. Put him
there. I'll go fetch Father Paul."

"Ach, he bleeds again. You were too rough," said one of the
men.

"Find more bandages," said the leader.

One man rummaged through the cupboards while the others
gently placed the bleeding man on a bed. The monk returned
with Father Paul.

"God bless you," Father Paul said to the group. "Brother
James, help with the bandages." He turned to the leader,
"Primus, what happened?"

"We lost," said one man grimly.

"They broke through our lines and stormed our position. We
fought them off but the Dux was wounded. We grabbed some
horses and fled. All our men were routed," said Primus.

"We were lucky to get away at all," said the third.

"You have to hide him," said Primus. "He cannot go any
further. It would kill him."

"Yes, of course he stays. I don't know how we are going to
hide all of you."

"No, we're not staying. We have to try to lure the enemy
away."

"Lure? That could be dangerous."

"Yes but it's our best hope. We'll be leaving the boy,
Gladius."

"Gladius? A sword?"

"Yes, the Dux named him that. He didn't want the boy's real
name known...in case ill befell him. Turns out he was
right."

They went outside leaving Brother James and Gladius to tend the Dux.

"Won't you wait for us to pack you some supplies?" asked
Father Paul.

"The sooner we are gone the better. Bless us, Father." The
men knelt.

"May the Lord be with you,
May He guide and protect you,
May He watch over you and see you safely home,
May almighty God bless you,
the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit."

"Amen," they all said. The men mounted and rode out. They
paused at the gate to collect the others. Primus looked
pointedly at Father Paul as he firmly closed the gate behind
him. They rode away. Father Paul went back inside.

 

[Alcatraz]

Interesting.

Can I ask what period of history this is set. The reason I ask is the use of 'Father' and the blessing he gives are not 'Early Church' Roman Catholic, whic is the vibe I get you are trying to portray. ???

I remember this only from RE at school (I'm Catholic incase you couldn't tell).

Other than that, it caught my attention, and I would like to see where you go with this.

I'll leave the grammar and punctuaton to others. Although I saw a couple of punctuation 'errors', I'm the last one to talk.

 

[Boneman]

The opening is much better, in my opinion (Humble...) Just a coupla niggles:

The horses came thundering down the road

I think The horses thundered down the road is better. There was discussion about the language and the way you wanted it to read, and came thundering is a modern alliteration, using two verbs where one would do.

And as though its inhabitants didn't
know they were living in dangerous times, the gate was left
open, an invitation to those troubles

I think.........it should be its' but not totally sure. Chris will pick it up. But my nitpick with this sentence is the harping, almost censurous tone it takes. The inhabitants do know they're living in dangerous times, and you're telling us, (twice) that there's danger, and telling us how foolish the inahabitants are. But they are peace-loving monks, who don't need fortifications - I accept we haven't met them yet, but this is somewhat heavy-handed, as you've told us it's a) a monastery, b) built in more peaceful times, and c) hardly a defence. Three separate descriptions in the previous text that make this sentence superfluous. Would it be gentler, and more inkeeping with the peaceful monks if it said something like:

The gate was ever open, a contrast to the troubles that raged through Rome.

Okay, I'd work on it, but something like that....?

One man rummaged through the cupboards while the others
gently placed the bleeding man on a bed. The monk returned
with Father Paul.

When did they get inside? All we had was the dialogue, with one indication

This way to the infirmary, it's in the back. Put him
there. I'll go fetch Father Paul

."

but since there was only one reply by a german-sounding individual, I assumed they were, at best, making their way there, but were still otdoors.

They went outside leaving Brother James and Gladius to tend the Dux.

"Won't you wait for us to pack you some supplies?" asked
Father Paul

.

I had to read this three times to make sure Father Paul had gone outside with them. Again, a long (and well-handled) piece of dialogue that has no descriptive elements, so They went outside, although adding that leaving Brother James and Gladius confused me. I know it reads correctly, but in reading it at the speed I would read a book, it tripped me up. Hopefully others will comment on this.

Primus looked
pointedly at Father Paul as he firmly closed the gate behind
him.

Isn't it giving the game away to pursuers that something's up? ie the gate is closed, and it's never closed..... Maybe you intend this.....

 

[goldhawk]

Can I ask what period of history this is set. The reason I ask is the use of 'Father' and the blessing he gives are not 'Early Church' Roman Catholic, whic is the vibe I get you are trying to portray. ???

Yes, the period is set but the exact date is not. There are so many things happening in Rome at this time, the second half of the 5th century, that I'm not sure what hornet's nest I want to drop the Dux into. But it will be interesting for him, in the Chinese proverb sense.

If you have a link to early Church doctrine and policies, I would be happy to include any relevant fact...provided it don't change anything important. After all, you shouldn't let facts stand in the way of a good story.

 

[The Judge]

I liked this a lot more - I can see the monastery a little better now and can picture the action as it's happening.

I'm not sure what Boneman means by the 'came thundering' but it didn't worry me at all, and to me it gives a more continuous feel than just 'thundered'.

I think someone in your first post mentioned the relentless short rhythmn of your sentences and you've fallen into it again in the latter half of the first paragraph. I'm not sure whether it's deliberate to try and convey the breakneck speed of everything happening or whether it's just your personal style, but either way it might help if you break it up a little.

Small typo at 'now plague' - should be 'plagued' (funny isn't it, you can read and read a piece and still miss things like that).

I can understand why you refer to Rome having the problems but by going straight on to alluding to the dangerous times for the monastery you give the impression that the action is happening in Italy. It might be an idea to indicate that these troubles had originated in Rome but had spread even as far as this small place - just to tie things together. (I'm assuming the battle they've come from is a symptom of Rome's troubles not something wholly separate.)

'Its inhabitants' certainly shouldn't have an apostrophe, so your version is right.

I think I'd make 'Just inside the gate...' into a new para, to break it up a bit.

I understand what Boneman means about the Dux and the men suddenly being inside and looking for bandages. If you don't want to show them carrying him there, just put a few asterisks or something across the page to indicate a change of scene.

When Father Paul asks the Primus what happened, another man answers. I know why you've got that line of his in, and I'd keep it too, but it reads disrespectfully that he's jumping in front of his leader. Not sure what the answer is. Perhaps Paul could ask simply 'What happened?', the man replies, and then Paul says 'Primus?' ie asking for further elucidation from the leader who is being unaccountably silent.

I think you need to make it clear that Primus is a rank and not a name, unless you've changed your mind on this, by referring to him as the Primus; and also that this is the same man you described as the leader before (I've just read a thread that says you shouldn't underestimate your readership, but I still think they need their hands holding sometimes!).

'Primus looked pointedly at Father Paul as he firmly closed the gate behind him.' Got confused. Is it Primus (on horseback?) closing the gate behind himself? Or Paul closing it behind Primus? Just a word to make it clear would help.

'Primus looked pointedly at Father Paul as he firmly closed the gate behind him. They rode away. Father Paul went back inside.' I know this isn't the end of a chapter (at least I don't think it is) but I'm a firm believer in having a proper closure to each individual scene and the very last sentence seems somewhat anti-climactic. I'm not sure how to explain what I mean (I'm not sure I actually know what I mean!) but to me it doesn't have the right rhythm for an ending. 'The men rode away and were never seen again.' is nonsense but has the right feel to it. 'Father Paul watched them for a moment, lost in thought. Then he shook himself and returned to his duty.' is wordy and needs working on, but again feels more like closure.

I wonder if it might help if you read the whole thing out loud to yourself. Yes it's embarrassing and not something to be done in public but it's surprisingly helpful. It might show you what I mean about the end. I think it will also help you to see what I mean about the rhythm of the first para.

Overall I think the dialogue and action reads much more believably now and I'm glad that you are happier with it. To my mind a little more description wouldn't go amiss in the middle of the dialogue, but these things are always very subjective. And I can't wait to see what happens next!

J