Chapter Two: "Brant"

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WIP Title: Brant
Official title: obviously unknown at this time :p haha.

Hey guys, tis me again. You all raised my spirits so high from your comments about my first chapter that I actually continued to write out the second. To my amazement (as this is unusual for me) I am still engaged in my own story.

Often I come up with a story and it entertains me for awhile in my head, then I quickly get bored and moved on. The one time I tried to write before this, I stopped shortly after the first chapter. This story seems to contain so many possibilities for me that I am having so much fun as I go. Anywho, here is Chapter 2, I hope you enjoy it overall as much as the first and as will always be the case with me, critiques on anything will be much appreciated.

I dont care if you think your comments are subjective and minor, or if you think my entire story sucks. I would like to hear it because it's all about improvement! I must admit, I am VERY nervous about this one because, now that you have all said you liked my first chapter, I do not want to flip 180 and disappoint and bore you with this one. Owell, only one way to find out!

Here we go!

Chapter 2



Brant regained his hearing first. Initially, he could make out only muffled noises that bore no resemblance to human speech. As time passed, these sounds became voices and he could make out what they were saying.
“I would swear I know him from somewhere, I just cannot think of where…” someone said, their voice bright and airy, but obviously concerned.

Another rough voice answered. “That’s not important. I want to know how he fought that beast off! It made our job easier for sure, but nobody should be able to take one of those by themselves.”

Then a third voice rang out, this one full of cheer and it gave him strength just hearing it. “He is going to be fine and when he wakes up we will ask him who he is and what happened! Stop being so mean, Grumpy-Dumpy-Wren.” Brant heard the distinct sound of her laughter as she punched the man in the arm and he let out a deep grunt. He could sense the man release a smile at her playfulness.

“Creative Rylee, think of that all on your own?” the man retorted.
“At least it rhymed,” she sneered back attempting to seem offended, but laughter still tinted her voice.

Brant could feel his strength returning and had to decide how best to handle the situation. Should he feign being unconscious longer in order to better understand these strangers, or should he wake up and face them. His choice was decided for him.

“He is awake.” The man said. Many footsteps could be heard, all making their approach to his bedside. Brant opened his eyes.

Wren stood the closest, a black robe flowing down from a superbly crafted mantle. His face was strong and angular with aged eyes that told many stories. His right hand was wrapped firmly around the large staff by his side. It was wrought from what appeared to be wood, but held the unique gloss of reflective metal. Wren peered down at him, his eyes piercing Brants mind looking for answers to his questions. Brant shivered but was distracted by a smile.

Beside Wren stood a gorgeous woman with the brightest smile he had ever seen. She released an energy with her smile that infected everything around her. Her dirty blonde hair was fixed back in a mangled bun, but it gave her a distinct look. She wore a form fitted jacket that had the most curious shade of purple which was pinned to her chest by a strap that held a bag by her side. This must be Rylee, he thought. He smiled back, unable to stop himself.

Brant let his head roll to the other side of the bed, and the smile vanished from his face. Though they all thought something had gone wrong, he paid no attention. He stared intently at the third girl, her very presence seemed to provide mysteries that spoke to all of his desires. She was not as pretty as Rylee, but her eyes held something that Brant valued more than physical beauty, intelligence. He realized he didnt know her name yet, but he didn't care for the moment. A goofy grin spread across his face. She smiled back uncomfortably and Rylee began to giggle.

He snapped out of his daze and apologized. She continued to smile for a moment, then nodded. “How’re you feeling?”

“I am in some pain, nothing too worry about though. Though, I don’t remember…what happened. Where am I?” Brant sat up, trying to see where he was. He must have looked confused, or scared.

“Is something wrong?” Wren asked, curiousity continued to burn wild behind his powerful gaze.

“I…” he struggled to explain himself, still intimidated by the mans eyes “… well I don’t know any of you and everything looks… strange.” He continued to peer around the room, taking in all the odd looking equipment.

He swung his legs around the side of the bed intending to stand, but quickly realized he didn’t have the strength and began to fall back. In an instant Wren's large hands were supporting him as though he weighed nothing. As Wren helped him sit back down, Brant laughed.

“Something funny?” Wren spat, though his expression was a mix of offense and amusement.

“Don’t pester him,” Rylee interupted. "Grumpy Dumpy Wren," she added under her breath but loud enough for him to hear. Then, pushing Wren aside, she exclaimed “Pleased to meet you Brant, my name is Rylee!” Her smile faded as Brant accepted her introduction with a handshake.

She stood still for a moment, looking anxiously at him before bursting. “I tried to hold myself back but I cant help it!” She lunged at him and wrapped her arms around his chest. “I like hugs! Handshakes are so impersonal,” she scoffed, her smile returning.

Brant laughed and hugged her back, glad to have someone around that could take his mind off the pain he was feeling. There was something about this girl that amazed him. Her emotions rolled off on him as if he had no choice in the matter but to share her joy and hug her back with equal enthusiasm. He looked around and found, based on their expressions, that both the others seemed to feel the same emotions as well.

He slid back suddenly, releasing Rylee. They studied his odd reaction, confused. He suddenly held a hand out towards Wren and shouted “Stay back big guy, I can handle her hug, but you might strangle me!”

“The name is Wren” he said, letting out a deep laugh. “and why would I hug you?”

“Because she did, and she made you guys look like you were going to as well!” He was still cautious, but let his shoulders relax. They all stood silent, staring at him.

“Interesting.” The beautiful woman to his left stunned him with her glowing emerald eyes. “You are a strange person…Brant.”

“Um...thanks, I guess.” Normally he would have wondered what she meant, but he was too busy appreciating the features of her face. He didn’t want to look away.

After an awkward moment, Rylee broke the silence. “Okay Mr. Creepy, get dressed,” Rylee laughed, reaching to a pile of clothes on the table. She threw them on the bed. “We will be outside waiting for you.”

As they left, he could hear Wren pestering Rylee about her nicknames again. Before the door closed, Rylee attempted to sound offended once more. Brant shook his head and laughed.

Alone in the small room, he stood up slowly, testing himself as he went. The clothes Rylee had left struck him as unusual, at least by his standards. For a man the vest was tight and yet the pants were wide legged and flowed around him. At least, he thought, the colors were appropriate. The vest was a deep, regal green trimmed with gold. The pants were velvety black and were held up by a golden rope which was too long, causing the ends to hang down off his waist.

He walked to a mirror that stood against the corner of the room and laughed to himself. He thought he looked very formal, despite the way he felt. The pants together with the vest made a very elegant appearance. Shaking his head and laughing, he opened the door and walked through it to join them outside. He had decided it was time to get some answers.

So that's it! I am by no means done reviewing chapter one, so feel free to continue to post your thoughts on it as well in the other thread! Thank you for reading!
 
Hey Clint,
just a quick perusal, and I'm impressed! I will do some nitpicking later this evening, but it looks good so far....... Good job.:)

Oh all right, just one for now...

He could sense the man release a smile at her playfulness.

Wait a minute, he's just come round, his eyes are closed, Wren doesn't respond with speech where a smile could be heard..... does Brant have ESP?

cya later
 
I liked the feel of this, it flowed well from the first piece - it's fun, fresh, and (I'm not sure if this is what you want or not) there is a slight anime cartoony feel to it. (I know someone also mentioned this in regard to your first piece.) I think that feel comes partly from Rylee, who I find just a little over-the-top, but also because some of the dialogue and the bits around the dialogue seem a bit exaggerated. An example:

“Is something wrong?” Wren asked, curiousity continued to burn wild behind his powerful gaze.

(Quick point, it should be "asked. Curiosity continued" or "asked, curiosity continuing" - also note spelling of curiosity)

I find the image that comes into my head with "curiosity continued to burn wild behind his powerful gaze" involves all kinds of tortured facial expressions and flaring eyes, way more exaggerated than (I hope) you mean. I'd be interested to know what others think of this.

I think in general the piece would be calmed down a bit by letting the dialogue speak more for itself, and not pointing out everything Brant is thinking about the other characters - it struck me as being a bit longer than it needed to. But I emphasise this is a personal reaction and some of my other reactions have found themselves in the minority. ;)


BTW, the fact that Rylee leaves Brant only pants and vest is bound to provoke smiles from UK readers :D
 
Hey Clint,
just a quick perusal, and I'm impressed! I will do some nitpicking later this evening, but it looks good so far....... Good job.:)

Oh all right, just one for now...



Wait a minute, he's just come round, his eyes are closed, Wren doesn't respond with speech where a smile could be heard..... does Brant have ESP?

cya later

See this is why I like others reading what I write, because when I write it and even as I review it, I know what I was trying to convey. I know what I MEANT to say in Brant noticing wren smile, but it comes across to you guys as ESP or something. Ill try to rewrite it to be abit more realistic.

I liked the feel of this, it flowed well from the first piece - it's fun, fresh, and (I'm not sure if this is what you want or not) there is a slight anime cartoony feel to it. (I know someone also mentioned this in regard to your first piece.) I think that feel comes partly from Rylee, who I find just a little over-the-top, but also because some of the dialogue and the bits around the dialogue seem a bit exaggerated. An example:



(Quick point, it should be "asked. Curiosity continued" or "asked, curiosity continuing" - also note spelling of curiosity)

I find the image that comes into my head with "curiosity continued to burn wild behind his powerful gaze" involves all kinds of tortured facial expressions and flaring eyes, way more exaggerated than (I hope) you mean. I'd be interested to know what others think of this.

I think in general the piece would be calmed down a bit by letting the dialogue speak more for itself, and not pointing out everything Brant is thinking about the other characters - it struck me as being a bit longer than it needed to. But I emphasise this is a personal reaction and some of my other reactions have found themselves in the minority. ;)


BTW, the fact that Rylee leaves Brant only pants and vest is bound to provoke smiles from UK readers :D

Well, Rylee is suppose to come across like that, but only her so I will take a look at editting my descriptions. I tried to reduce how much the narrator says but I know im not quite there yet. Boneman pointed out my narrator's crazy writings and there was one point while editting that I laughed out loud and changed a part because of your critiques last thread Boneman. I cant remember what it was exactly, but I remember reading what I wrote and going "crazy narrator" and toning it down, haha.
 
'...someone said, their voice...' - strictly, 'someone' is single, so should be followed by he or she, not they, which is a plural pronoun. This is one of those rules that is getting increasingly broken, but in good writing should still be followed. If he can tell the sex of the individual why not say '... a woman said, her voice...'?

'Another rough voice...' - there's not been one rough voice so far, so there can't be another. What you mean is there is another voice, but this one is rough.

'... as she punched the man in the arm...' - he can't see that, and I don't think could guess at it from the sound alone.

'He could sense the man release a smile...' - this could stay if you move it to the end of the following sentence (suitably tweaked to make sense) ie after Wren has spoken - Brant might be able to hear the smile in his voice even if it is partly surpressed.

' “He is awake.” The man said.' - I can't remember if someone pointed out this kind of mistake in your previous post - it's surprisingly common, particularly among younger people. I think it's called run on attribution and it should read ' ''He is awake,'' the man said.' ie the comma within the quotation marks and a lower case letter following. What perhaps causes confusion is that the full stop (period) and upper case letter are legitimate if what follows is separate from the comment eg ' ''He is awake.'' The man was turning away as he spoke.' The first runs on, so a comma is all that is neeeded to indicate the pause. The second is separate so needs the longer break of the full stop.

'Wren stood the closest, a black robe flowing down from a superbly crafted mantle.' - he knows Wren's name, but I don't think he'd use it in this way to himself. Rather wouldn't he think 'The man' or perhaps 'The man, Wren,'? And a mantle is a loose cloak-type garment - usually worn by a woman at that - so I'm not sure how a robe can flow from it. 'Crafted' also tends to indicate how it has been made, ie the cut or the embroidery or something of that kind - would Brant really notice that, especially as he's only just opening his eyes?

'... Brants mind...' - 'Brant's', with a possessive apostrophe.

'... but was distracted by a smile.' - if Wren's gaze is as piercing as that, surely Brant would be held by it until Wren released him?

'... it gave her a distinct look.' - 'look' in this context is a rather 20th century word and seems out of place in this kind of setting. If the mangled bun is giving her a 'feel' explain what it is.

'... a form fitted jacket...' - form-fitting.

'... that had the most curious shade of purple which was pinned to her chest...'
- the purple was pinned to her chest, was it? Frankly, I'd leave the pinning out anyway. She's wearing a bag across her body - it isn't nailed to her. And the jacket was of the most curious shade of purple, or it was multi-coloured but included the most curious etc.

'... her very presence seemed to provide mysteries that spoke to all of his desires.' - very pretty, but what does it mean? When you've worked it out, re-write it!

'... he didnt know...' - typo for 'didn't'.

'... a goofy grin...' - 'goofy' sounds too modern for the context.

'... nothing too worry about though. Though, I don’t remember...' - nothing to worry about (and if he doesn't want them worrying, minimise the pain to 'a little'). And having the two thoughs together is clumsy: make the second one 'But'.

'...I don’t remember…what happened. Where am I?' - I'm not sure if he's saying he doesn't remember what happened, in which case there is no need for the pause of the three dots or he's saying 'I don't remember... [new thought] What happened?'. And really 'Where am I?'? Can't he come up with anything more original than that??

'He must have looked confused, or scared.' - only after he's finished ogling the women apparently! Surely if he was going to be scared, it would have been earlier, before he's seen all the smiling faces?

'... the mans eyes...' - 'the man's' with a possessive apostrophe.

' “Something funny?” Wren spat' - rather an extreme reaction, isn't it? Particularly as you say his expression is part amused (though I'm not sure how likely offence and amusement are to be found together).

'... I cant help it!' - 'can't' with a contraction apostrophe.

I have to admit that from the time Brant started talking I found it difficult to continue and from this point on I almost gave up. I have never seen anime, so I'm not sure if this is something to be admired and emulated in writing. To me the dialogue seemed inauthentic both for the supposed time period and the situation. (I have to confess that I jumped over the dialogue in your earlier post for the same reason.) I'm not sure if Wren is meant to be old as well as imposing but he doesn't sound like an authority figure; Rylee is next to certifiable and 'Interesting' serves only to bring up memories of Spock's half-raised eyebrow and 'Fascinating'!

The action also needs to be thought through more than you have. Brant was, as far as we could judge, at death's door. So after apparently minimal medical intervention all three people troop out and leave him alone to get dressed - when seconds before he couldn't stand. No protests that he should lie still, no asking how much pain is he in. For his part he asks where he is but doesn't seem to mind that no one tells him or explains anything despite the fact that he was scared moments before. Their moods seem to turn on a sixpence (a very small coin) and there's no consistency of thought or character. I know what Harebrain means by fresh, but to me that translates as juvenile. Sorry - that sounds very harsh and I don't mean it to be. It's just that it seems you have written this very quickly, giving it real spontaneity, but in the process you've not allowed the four characters to achieve any kind of reality.

I think you need to work on this - actively imagine yourself as each of the four people in turn - what are you thinking, saying, doing etc? If need be speak to a friend - how would he/she react to waking up in pain in a strange room surrounded by strangers etc. After that find a book that is in the same kind of setting as you have chosen and look at the way people speak. I know this will destroy some of your freshness, but it might have to be sacrificed to add realism to the situation.

NB The clothes. Were his own destroyed that they've had to supply him with this wardrobe? If not, why can't he wear them again? And I don't think trousers are ever held up with rope - string perhaps if you're a down and out, or cord, but rope is pretty thick! Green isn't usually thought of as regal in our world: purple, yes, even crimson perhaps, not green - though if Brant's royal family are dressed in eau-de-nil I apologise! And I don't know if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but to me he doesn't sound very formally or elegantly dressed in this get up, more like the genie in Ali Baba.

NB2 If you don't understand HareBrain's comment: to us a vest is worn underneath a shirt, like a sleeveless T-shirt but less sexy (what do you call that kind of garment?) and pants are what I think you would call underpants. Since US books aren't translated for English sensibilities we are used to the pants=trousers equation, but to prevent too many guffaws from this side (and to avoid the genie look) could you turn the vest into a shirt or something similar??

J
 
by The Judge
to us a vest is worn underneath a shirt, like a sleeveless T-shirt but less sexy (what do you call that kind of garment?)

My youngest son calls his vest a 'wife-beater' and yes he did study A Streetcar Named Desire, Marlon Brando wore one a lot....

But if your book is intended for publication in the states, then you have to ignore our English nitpicks or your publisher will say "What is this?"

“I am in some pain, nothing too worry about though. Though, I don’t remember

It should be nothing TO worry about. (As the Judge already pointed out) Those two thoughs juxtapositioned: I think even a man recovering would find it hard to put those together. Unless......I am in some pain, nothing to worry about...... though..... though, I don’t remember...

I like using...... to show hesitancy, uncertainty, but probably use it too often in my own work.

I kinda agree with the judge about the change of temperament, from giggling to fear, unless Rylee's manner provokes mirth in him that is somehow unbidden, nervous laughter? You ever been up before the Principal, and found yourself trying not to laugh? Usually makes the punishment worse, in my experience, as he thinks you find it funny....:(:)
 
'...someone said, their voice...' - strictly, 'someone' is single, so should be followed by he or she, not they, which is a plural pronoun. This is one of those rules that is getting increasingly broken, but in good writing should still be followed. If he can tell the sex of the individual why not say '... a woman said, her voice...'?

'Another rough voice...' - there's not been one rough voice so far, so there can't be another. What you mean is there is another voice, but this one is rough.

'... as she punched the man in the arm...' - he can't see that, and I don't think could guess at it from the sound alone.

'He could sense the man release a smile...' - this could stay if you move it to the end of the following sentence (suitably tweaked to make sense) ie after Wren has spoken - Brant might be able to hear the smile in his voice even if it is partly surpressed.

' “He is awake.” The man said.' - I can't remember if someone pointed out this kind of mistake in your previous post - it's surprisingly common, particularly among younger people. I think it's called run on attribution and it should read ' ''He is awake,'' the man said.' ie the comma within the quotation marks and a lower case letter following. What perhaps causes confusion is that the full stop (period) and upper case letter are legitimate if what follows is separate from the comment eg ' ''He is awake.'' The man was turning away as he spoke.' The first runs on, so a comma is all that is neeeded to indicate the pause. The second is separate so needs the longer break of the full stop.

'Wren stood the closest, a black robe flowing down from a superbly crafted mantle.' - he knows Wren's name, but I don't think he'd use it in this way to himself. Rather wouldn't he think 'The man' or perhaps 'The man, Wren,'? And a mantle is a loose cloak-type garment - usually worn by a woman at that - so I'm not sure how a robe can flow from it. 'Crafted' also tends to indicate how it has been made, ie the cut or the embroidery or something of that kind - would Brant really notice that, especially as he's only just opening his eyes?

'... Brants mind...' - 'Brant's', with a possessive apostrophe.

'... but was distracted by a smile.' - if Wren's gaze is as piercing as that, surely Brant would be held by it until Wren released him?

'... it gave her a distinct look.' - 'look' in this context is a rather 20th century word and seems out of place in this kind of setting. If the mangled bun is giving her a 'feel' explain what it is.

'... a form fitted jacket...' - form-fitting.

'... that had the most curious shade of purple which was pinned to her chest...' - the purple was pinned to her chest, was it? Frankly, I'd leave the pinning out anyway. She's wearing a bag across her body - it isn't nailed to her. And the jacket was of the most curious shade of purple, or it was multi-coloured but included the most curious etc.

'... her very presence seemed to provide mysteries that spoke to all of his desires.' - very pretty, but what does it mean? When you've worked it out, re-write it!

'... he didnt know...' - typo for 'didn't'.

'... a goofy grin...' - 'goofy' sounds too modern for the context.

'... nothing too worry about though. Though, I don’t remember...' - nothing to worry about (and if he doesn't want them worrying, minimise the pain to 'a little'). And having the two thoughs together is clumsy: make the second one 'But'.

'...I don’t remember…what happened. Where am I?' - I'm not sure if he's saying he doesn't remember what happened, in which case there is no need for the pause of the three dots or he's saying 'I don't remember... [new thought] What happened?'. And really 'Where am I?'? Can't he come up with anything more original than that??

'He must have looked confused, or scared.' - only after he's finished ogling the women apparently! Surely if he was going to be scared, it would have been earlier, before he's seen all the smiling faces?

'... the mans eyes...' - 'the man's' with a possessive apostrophe.

' “Something funny?” Wren spat' - rather an extreme reaction, isn't it? Particularly as you say his expression is part amused (though I'm not sure how likely offence and amusement are to be found together).

'... I cant help it!' - 'can't' with a contraction apostrophe.

I have to admit that from the time Brant started talking I found it difficult to continue and from this point on I almost gave up. I have never seen anime, so I'm not sure if this is something to be admired and emulated in writing. To me the dialogue seemed inauthentic both for the supposed time period and the situation. (I have to confess that I jumped over the dialogue in your earlier post for the same reason.) I'm not sure if Wren is meant to be old as well as imposing but he doesn't sound like an authority figure; Rylee is next to certifiable and 'Interesting' serves only to bring up memories of Spock's half-raised eyebrow and 'Fascinating'!

The action also needs to be thought through more than you have. Brant was, as far as we could judge, at death's door. So after apparently minimal medical intervention all three people troop out and leave him alone to get dressed - when seconds before he couldn't stand. No protests that he should lie still, no asking how much pain is he in. For his part he asks where he is but doesn't seem to mind that no one tells him or explains anything despite the fact that he was scared moments before. Their moods seem to turn on a sixpence (a very small coin) and there's no consistency of thought or character. I know what Harebrain means by fresh, but to me that translates as juvenile. Sorry - that sounds very harsh and I don't mean it to be. It's just that it seems you have written this very quickly, giving it real spontaneity, but in the process you've not allowed the four characters to achieve any kind of reality.

I think you need to work on this - actively imagine yourself as each of the four people in turn - what are you thinking, saying, doing etc? If need be speak to a friend - how would he/she react to waking up in pain in a strange room surrounded by strangers etc. After that find a book that is in the same kind of setting as you have chosen and look at the way people speak. I know this will destroy some of your freshness, but it might have to be sacrificed to add realism to the situation.

NB The clothes. Were his own destroyed that they've had to supply him with this wardrobe? If not, why can't he wear them again? And I don't think trousers are ever held up with rope - string perhaps if you're a down and out, or cord, but rope is pretty thick! Green isn't usually thought of as regal in our world: purple, yes, even crimson perhaps, not green - though if Brant's royal family are dressed in eau-de-nil I apologise! And I don't know if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but to me he doesn't sound very formally or elegantly dressed in this get up, more like the genie in Ali Baba.

NB2 If you don't understand HareBrain's comment: to us a vest is worn underneath a shirt, like a sleeveless T-shirt but less sexy (what do you call that kind of garment?) and pants are what I think you would call underpants. Since US books aren't translated for English sensibilities we are used to the pants=trousers equation, but to prevent too many guffaws from this side (and to avoid the genie look) could you turn the vest into a shirt or something similar??

J

Thank you very much for taking the time to voice what you thought was wrong. I definately would not fault you for feeling my writing is juvenile, I am only 20 and as I said in the first post it's my first real attempt at anything other than back in highschool doing papers (and thats not even creative writing so it doesnt count haha).

I feel like I need to explain a couple of things, and since I am having to do this it may need to find its way into the writing earlier, thought the next chapter is where most of this would be put before you.

1) The book is fantasy for sure, but the time period is not the same as your "normal" fantasy book. The world in which these characters live has evolved beyond what you find in a usual fantasy book, though what would often be technology is replaced with magic in this world. Their speech in my mind is, because of this, not the of usual formality or "olde style." (I dont know what to call it haha.)

2) Rylee has the ability to project her emotions, and she is a very hyperactive character. This may be why you see mood changes (such as Brant becoming relieved when seconds before he was ready to start questioning them). I tried to explain that he could feel the influence, but he didn't know what it was yet himself.
He figures it out, at least partially, and this is the reasoning behind Ariel thinking he is "interesting." Rylee is a very unique person in their world and not many figure out what she can do, at least not so quickly. Most are swept up in the emotions she projects and are too busy to figure out theyve been "changed." The next chapter is his questioning of who they are and what's happened. Rylee excuses herself from this conversation and therefor Brant is able to feel what he would normally have in chapter two. At the end, they teach him how to guard himself from her ability at will and going forward this doesnt present an issue between the two of them.

Anywho, hopefully that clears it up somewhat, I am still at the SUPER DUPER early stages of writing this story, so rewrites are forseeable if I am unable to edit them to what I want.

My youngest son calls his vest a 'wife-beater' and yes he did study A Streetcar Named Desire, Marlon Brando wore one a lot....

But if your book is intended for publication in the states, then you have to ignore our English nitpicks or your publisher will say "What is this?"



It should be nothing TO worry about. (As the Judge already pointed out) Those two thoughs juxtapositioned: I think even a man recovering would find it hard to put those together. Unless......I am in some pain, nothing to worry about...... though..... though, I don’t remember...

I like using...... to show hesitancy, uncertainty, but probably use it too often in my own work.

I kinda agree with the judge about the change of temperament, from giggling to fear, unless Rylee's manner provokes mirth in him that is somehow unbidden, nervous laughter? You ever been up before the Principal, and found yourself trying not to laugh? Usually makes the punishment worse, in my experience, as he thinks you find it funny....:(:)

I actually do know about to/too and I feel silly. It's just something I did not catch when I reread it, thank you for pointing it out. It has been quickly editted :p. I think I will try Judges suggestions and redo this entire chapter and ill reread chapter one. At the moment I like Ch1 but we will see. Thanks a lot guys!
 
Hey guys, here is just a small excerpt that I rewrote abit to try and solve the "sudden mood change" as well as answer why he is not more hostile to being in a strange situation. This is just a small part though....

He snapped out of his daze and apologized. She continued to smile for a moment, then nodded. “How’re you feeling?”

Brant suddenly realized he didn't know how he had ended up here, or what had happened. The last thing he remembered was being at home. Shock crossed his face and he was immediately suspicious.

“Are you okay?” Wren asked, but his gaze shot to Rylee instead. She nodded.

Brant sat up quickly and his face looked at each of them with confusion and fear. “I...” he had begun to speak when his mind had suddenly calmed. He let out an involuntary sigh and continued more easily than before. “Well I don’t know any of you and everything look strange... differen't.” His eyes began to shift around the room, taking in all the odd looking equipment.

Is that any better? I'm still thinking about rewriting what is going on in his mind in that last paragraph. I feel that it explains the change too quickly. What do you think?
 
Hey Clint,
no I think it's better - when I came off my motorcycle and woke up in A&E (hospital) the last thing I could remember was being at home watching TV. I was convinced the roof had fallen in, I had no recollection whatsover of getting on the bike and riding 3 miles before an idiot pulled out in front of me. My first reaction was panic, at being in a strange place (although I recognised it immediately as a Hospital) fear, at the pain I was in (broken ribs and right arm) and a complete sense of disbelief.... Then for some reason my brain kicked in, and I remembered what happened, but those few seconds were the wierdest of my life.....

So, Confusion? Definitely. Some fear? Depends how macho Brant is. Panic? Only very momentary, as he knows he's with friends almost instantly. A sense of disbelief? Most probably...

Anyway, you don't want to base it too much on real life, it won't be fiction!!
 
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I had actually guessed that Rylee was able to manipulate the emotions of the others, though I wasn't sure whether this was deliberate on her part or whether she was wholly incapable of controlling her own emotions and whatever she felt came through into everybody else. But does this fully address the question of his changes in emotion? Has she stopped projecting? Does the effect wear off quickly? Have her emotions changed?

Your re-written few lines do help, yes, though again I think the panic would have been a more natural reaction as soon as he woke up. But it might be easier to see once you've fully incorporated any changes into the whole thing - that is if you want to keep putting your head into the critiquing lion's mouth!

J
 
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