Maggie's Husband

[BookStop]

This is intended as a stand alone piece. Is it?


I awoke with a start, the birds chirping their damn chorus outside my window, scaring the bejesus out of me. Why couldn’t they begin their symphony softly and build to the crescendo? That would be damned nice way to wake up in the morning. Better than the heart attack inducing shrieking that I was hearing now. I briefly wondered about all those people that died peacefully in their sleep, and whether anyone had thought to check for birds outside their window.

I slid my feet to the ground and shifted to ask Maggie if she ever thought the same thing when I realized I was alone, and details from the previous night’s fight crept into my consciousness like wisps of a fog crept across a graveyard at midnight. Crap.

I reached for the still full mug I had placed bedside last night. The coffee was as cold as my wife’s side of the bed, but I grimaced and swallowed it down, congealed creamer lumps and all. Today was going to one long-ass day.

I sifted through the wardrobe, pulling out a pair of jeans from all the way in the back, making sure they were the ones I wanted, comfortable, but splattered with paint; the ones Maggie never let me wear anymore. I wondered briefly why I’d kept them as I slid them up my legs, pulling at the fabric, still soft, even after being pressed under other discarded items in the back of the closet.

That’s the way it had been with Maggie for some time. She never let me wear them. Never mind that they had been my favorite pair of jeans; never mind that I didn’t like wearing the stiff khaki’s that she ironed so they had creases down the center; never mind that slowly over the years she had taken everything away that I loved and replaced it with shiny imitations.

No, I shouldn’t have said what I said. I shouldn’t have done what I did, but dammit, she kind of had it coming. Yes, she did. She had slowly, almost imperceptibly, turned me against myself. Made me a puppet to entertain her friends when she deigned to bring me out. She pulled the strings, and I danced when there was dancing to do, laughed when it was appropriate, and made all the other ladies in the neighborhood wish they had a husband as fine as Maggie’s. It was sick, she was sick. It wasn’t a marriage at all.

A rage began to fill the recesses of my mind as I pulled shirts off their hangers and threw them in the floor. Shirt after shirt, wrinkle free, buttoned all the way to the collar so they would hang perfectly straight, were ripped from their hangers and hurled to the floor. I found a polyester Hawaiian shirt with genuine wood buttons tucked behind the bland cotton blends, and put it on. How had this one shirt survived the purge my wife made year after year of donations to the local homeless shelter? Why wasn’t some loser bum, stinking of rotted meat and pickled in his own juice cavorting through town in my shirt?

Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was fate, that I had finally had enough and let her know it. Maybe it was fate that I closed my eyes and concentrated on slowing my breathing. It was most certainly fate that when I opened them again, they immediately found the toe end of an old pair of work boots peeking out from under the bed, like a giggling child playing hide-and-seek.

I put my boots on with a blissful sigh and headed out show my wife the real me. The blue tarp I had laid over her corpse the night before had been blown partway off, and she looked cold, heck, colder than the coffee I’d drunk not fifteen minutes earlier. The birds were singing as they lighted around her, gingerly hopping forward before pulling at small pieces of flesh. I grabbed my shovel and set forth. This was going to be long-ass day.

 

[Moonbat]

Bookstop,

I liked this, it has a good pace and was intriguing enough to keep reading. I'd like to know about what happened to cause Maggie's death, maybe a little more detail on last nights activities, some hint of how or why he finally cracked and killed his wife. It might make it a little more interesting and give it more strength to stand alone.

Moonbat

 

[BookStop]

Glad you liked it, MB. Did you know Maggie was dead before the end? I hope not. That is why there re no details about what happened to her, only the spiraling insanity of the protag. But, you are not the first to say you wish there had been more, so...I guess I should at least entertain the possibilty that longer might be better.

 

[The Judge]

I liked it as well.

As a sting-in-the-tail short story, it was almost perfect.

I think I'd change the line at the end of the first para to delete 'peacefully in their sleep' - since if he's alleging the noisy birds killed them it couldn't be peaceful! I suppose you could instead add something like 'who were said to have died...' (or rather 'that were said...' as I see you've used 'that' instead of 'who', no doubt to convey his lack of education). I'd still prefer the deletion, though, because it craftily prefigures her death in the nighttime.

I personally didn't like the simile at the end of the penultimate para - it didn't feel like something this man would say, but that might just be me. There were some other words too that I thought sounded odd in his mouth - imperceptibly, deigned, appropriate, recesses, cavorting.

I also wasn't sure about the chirping birds pecking at her corpse - crows and the like might do this, but they don't sing so much as croak and caw. I'm not sure that song birds would start ripping bits off her, would they?

The only real issue I have though, is that you reveal her death two lines too early! My suggestion for the final para would read:

'I put my boots on with a blissful sigh and headed out to show my wife the real me. She was in the garden. It was cold out there and she was real cold - heck, colder than the coffee I’d drunk not fifteen minutes before. The birds were singing as they lighted around her. I grabbed a shovel. I supposed I'd better bury her corpse. This was going to be one long-ass day.'

Not perfect, I know, but it keeps the suspense going for those vital two lines so you're finishing with a bang and not an anti-climax.

Hope this helps.

J

PS For the record, no I didn't guess he'd killed her!

 

[BookStop]

Thanks for the input, Judge. The who-to-that was a nice catch. Yes, who is correct, and that will be changed in the next draft.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Just thought you should know, I thought you did a really good job on this piece.

 

[BookStop]

Thanks, Dusty!

 

[MistingWolf]

I really liked this one, too. I had no idea that Maggie had died. I must agree about the songbirds/crows thing, though. When I read through this, I'd imagined a flock of songbirds singing, not a murder or conspiracy.

Also, I'd like to say I like your avvy. Edward is so funny. "Where's my souvenir?!"
*chuckles*

 

[SNG]

Maybe it was fate, that I had finally had enough and let her know it. Maybe it was fate that I closed my eyes and concentrated on slowing my breathing.

That's when I had a thought that he might have killed her. Until this point you had me thinking that he would probably put his "old" clothes on, take off and disappear. Having said that, I think maybe some people would see the ending a bit earlier when they read about his strong despise/grudge towards his wife (to be free the protagonist has only two options - kill her or leave her).

But overall very enjoyable piece with a good pace.

(Edit: this is my first critique, hope I wasn't too rough or anything )

 

[Tyrael]

I liked this-it has a consistent tone and you use language very well. There is a coarseness about it that is maintained while keeping a level of sophistication. For the record I, too, did not realise there was any murder involved 'till the corpse was actually dropped into the text. Very good read.

If I was to make any negative comments I would echo the fact that the simile about the graveyard was out of place. It was a nice piece of foreshadowing, but compromised the narrative voice to some extent so is best being replaced or struck out altogether.

 

[Precision Grace]

Hi Bookstop,

I liked this story too, although the opening line "I awoke with a start" played havoc with my imagination, reminding me of the wonderful episode of Xena where the play on words using this phrase resulted in Gabrielle awaking with a jerk with hilarious consequences. Anyway, I digress (quite a bit).

The only thing that threw me, and I don't really know why that should be, is to find out that the protagonist was a male. But other than that I really like the unique take on relationships and it's quite fitting that she should be dead at the end, I'd have been disappointed with less. Although, I do hope it doesn't give anyone any ideas...